I can tell you from experience in being in a hot and cold marriage and relationship.
It has been quite a lesson for me to learn about myself and how others who have low self-esteem act.
Insecurities we can have them at points in our life but they fade with growth.
It is very hard but for your own well being you need to learn to accept your responsibility as a individual and accept that your actions and reactions are just as much of a contributor to how things effect you and control you.
You are your only enemy. A person only has control over themselves so the idea that someone can hurt you is because you let them. I know it sounds nuts but think about how much we respond to others and please note I'm not talking about kids I am talking about adults.
There is people who will chose to be angry and others that don't, this is not because you are different, this is because of what we allow to be projected of ourselves onto others. What a person does to you is thier projection of themselves and not you.
If you take their actions personally and do not ask yourself, Do I see this as a issue to stay and communicate? or Do I leave and not further allow myself to be influenced?, Then why assume you do not play a part in how you act when someone attempts to project their negativity towards you?
I think that if a person can accept their own flaws in the relationship and can accept that their partners had flaws they simply could not handle or grow together to form a healthy relationship. They can grow and form a better understanding kind of partner to look for and what they themselves need to grow from.
If a person only views thier partners as the soul contributor of issues and deem others as the same, they will only lose much more and may build up unhealthy expectations and relationships with others due to their lacking in understanding that a person simply was not meant to be their partner and they have things to work on themselves to insure they learn best when to walk away from a partner that they cannot grow with.
The whole purpose of a relationship is to find a partner you would like to spend your life with. If you do not see a future do not drag it on, if your incompatible do not drag it on, just because you are with the wrong people does not mean that you will not find the right one, just remember to work on your flaws.
It's absolutely according to who the person is!
Few can help be bitter, insecure and sensitive after a bad breakup. But with the passage of time one can more objectively look back at the good and say, that was positive, but on the whole, he/she was a jerk. I could've lived without 80 percent of the shit.
If it's more like 50/50 and you were likely a bad match moreso than he/she was a bad person/personality, then there's less on the negative side of the scale.
The point is to weigh the totality of the experience.
I was married for 17 years to a man who wasn't strong enough to weather a serious illness I have and who was abusive.
He wasn't a bad person, but he had a bad personal problem that manifested itself in his abusing me. It wasn't regular, maybe once a year. And he was funny and intelligent. BUT, the big BUT, was he was never invested in overcoming this. I didn't do my best with my illness, but I tried hard to overcome it, only to learn, it COULD NOT be conquered. I had to yield to it and take medication to manage it.
Did he yield to the fact that he'd been damaged by an abusive father? Never. Never got therapy except when court ordered after our divorce and as soon as the order expired, stopped. He's full of anger and misery, despite having a LOVELY woman as a partner. My son tells me he talks harshly to her. And despite being divorced for 21 years, when he's around me and is having some issue, he still talks and acts abusively.
So, though we could;ve had a pleasant acquaintanceship since we share an adult son, it's impossible. I think that that's sad.
However, my former marriage doesn't make me better or worse, but cautious and wiser.
there is an expression in prison I've heard from inmate I never could really understand it, up until now. You keep your crying to yourself keep your troubles to yourself because everybody around you in that situation has had their own serious troubles that's why they're in jail basically they're going to say they don't want to hear your bitch ass crying believe me they could they would either can't or they won't anymore. Will you have a long-term illness don't drag your spouse down because now you're going to have two people instead of one sick. They will get tired of all the doctors appointment and all the wild goose chases and whatever they do for you will never be good enough and it will make them wary and want to do with you less and less as time goes on.
@yofuknutz A mature person realizes no one is physically or mentally perfect. I took care of my illness as best as I could and didn't burden him with it. There was no whining. But he was spooked by the fact that I was NO LONGER PERFECT. No longer perfectly strong, which is what he wanted from me. Well no one can keep THAT up.
There was nothing he HAD to do for me except be the same person he had been before my illness. But he was scared and worried. However, I took care of my biz. I simply wanted him to be there. HE COULD NOT. And I didn't understand that.
Wish I had earlier on. But his own issues meant he was seeking someone who had no flaws because of HIS flaws. Someone who'd put up with shit and abuse from him! Wow! Never saw it.
See it now. NO ONE can fill those boots.
I take every bad experience I've been to Heart and if they hurt me I will take that just to experience it because once you experience something if it happens again you're not going to experience it you're going to cut it off right there it's over I won't allow a person to hurt me again and yes I understand something to when somebody does something and it hurt you you have to really realize that they're on the outside of your body whatever they did they didn't physically hurt you the emotionally hurt you and it's your choice to either be hurt or say no you're not going to do this to me I don't allow this to happen that's on the inside is that I'm the only person on the inside so I can control that emotion and if I have been through something once and it comes back around for the second time it's not going to faze me cuz I will not let anybody ever hurt me nor will I take that pain that I create because of emotion unto myself I refused it. It's just like being cheated on you're hurt your heart is broken it's going to be broken as long as you wanted to it's your choice because it comes from the inside it's your feeling you're the only one that can control that feeling or make yourself feel that nobody else can just because they did something doesn't mean that they can make you feel anything so when something happens to me it doesn't make me feel worse doesn't make me feel insecure it makes me feels stronger in power because I didn't do anything to make myself feel that way that's on them that's their problem my problem is you just showed me exactly who you are so get the fuck out of my life and I will move on that's the way I look at things anyway and I love your question
Depends on the person but bad experiences can shape the person either way, it all depends on who they are. Every bad experience I've ever had with females just pushes me further away from being around them. A good example of this was recently at work a 4'9" bone skinny female work from the sales desk was trying to lift a heavy box onto a cart to take to the front and because I was walking by at the time I asked if she needed help, which she accepted, and as I lifted the box I asked if the sales counter was busy which she took as flirting and got all huffy and confronted me for flirting and after she was done talking I told her I wasn't flirting, I was just being a helpful coworker as I saw her struggling and I don't go out of my way to help her, whenever I am walking by if I see her struggling I would ask her if she needs help in previous times when she said no I accepted that and continued walking by. Now when I am about to walk by and I see her struggling I tend to pretend I don't see her and walk a different way, I don't want another confrontation like that again.
@marish01 thank you for the MHO but I am sure there are smarter better comments that deserve it.
Opinion
59Opinion
Ultimately it depends on how the person reacts from said bad experiences, meaning it can go either way.
I'll use myself as an example:
All of my past experiences with dating and relationships were a fiasco!!! As a result, I became bitter, angry, wary of opening myself up again, and I had trust issues towards men for the longest.
But then I matured and realized I can't let a few bad eggs make me miserable or hold me back in life.
I used those bad experiences: the cheating, ghosting, being hurt and lied to, etc... as lessons. Now I know what type of guys to avoid. Now I have set realistic standards for myself and what kind of man I deserve. I don't run to the first guy that shows me an iota of attention like I used to. I have limitations.
Some of us use pain and heartache to grow into better individuals and use that to help, not hinder, ourselves.
It really depends on the mindset and disposition that a person has. Some people come out of bad experiences bitter and angry, others get sad but then recover and move on.
@marish01 That is not so for everyone.
It depends on the person.
I've had bad experiences before in my last relationships, but after I've had time to reflect and process it, they've inevitably led to me learning valuable lessons.
Both about what I don't want in my future relationships as well as what shortcomings I've had.
But I've also met people irl and, mostly, online who have allowed their bad experiences to influence them negatively. It isn't always easy to confront the lessons these teach you, but with the right supports and time I believe it's possible to turn a negative into a positive.
Any experience can either make you bitter or better. It depends how you choose to use it.
For example, at school my class had a pair of twins whose father was a violent drunk. One of them became a violent drunk himself, the other has never touched alcohol in his life. Ask them both and they both say the same thing: that given where they came from they couldn't have come out any other way.
Life is what we make of it. Our time is like a penny - we can spend it however we want, but we can only spend it once.
The law of universe itself says, whatever energy is transferred to something, that thing will REFLECT it back!
On the contrary, loyal and loving people make you a better version of yourself.
How can you expect a manipulative, ignorant, untrustworthy, betraying, rude and gaslighting person to MAKE YOU your BETTER VERSION?
Yes you will learn how to choose better people but anxiety, aggression, clinginess and overthinking will be present for a LONG time, unless the new partner prove it.
Then people blame the victim for turning out to be bitter. WOW.
Whether the experience is in a relationship or some other type of experience, how an individual deals with it depends entirely on them and can go either way.
Some people take the bad things in life and allow it to crush them or demotivate them. They cry, complain and learn nothing, then do it all over again. Other people have similar events happen and they reflect, analyze what went wrong, and how they can influence the outcome if something similar happens in the future.
It's not the experience that makes one better or worse, it's how one reacts to it.
exactly. Or on the other hand, whine and play the victim.
It depends on the frequency. If you did everything right and still got burned, then they're bound to leave some people bitter and jaded. If you learned something from the experience and realized you made mistakes, then they're bound to make some people a better person.
Me? I've experienced both, but I've been burned more often. I learned to never waste my time with part-time lesbians (bisexuals) ever again, so I have that learning experience. At the same time, the majority of women I've dated, legitimately 80%, used me and mistreated me. And these were the few women already willing to give me a chance despite my inadequate height and looks. So yeah, I feel a bit jaded towards women nowadays, because I was nice, caring, and respectful in those relationships (without being a cuck), and still got treated like absolute sh*t. I know really doubt there's good women left out there.
It depends. You're Christian, aren't you? God puts us through these experiences for a reason. He's pruning us and we have to have faith within his plan even when it hurts us. God also never gives us a situation that we can't handle. A lot of the time he wants to break us so that we fall to him instead of depending on earlthy idols. My relationship pains have helped me support others during their pains. It's one of my ministries and I'm thankful for having gone through it. It's also humbled me and it's allowed me to look at others with less judgement. It's made me stronger. It depends on what you do with your pain I guess.
Bad experiences don't "make you" insecure. Insecurities are there long before you even start having experiences of any kind. In fact, they can lead to your having bad experiences more so than the experience itself !
Weak, bitter, overly sensitive - those are choices you makes as a result of your experiences. I disagree that a bad relationship "usually" makes people like that. If that were true, there would be a whole lot fewer relationships and a WHOLE lot more people like you describe.
Similarly, sometimes the number of break-ups someone has can be an indicator pointing to their own issues.
People of your gender tend to blame their situation in life on something or someone else. NEVER is there any cause and effect for your decisions or actions.
The never ending desire to be some kind of victim seems to be part and parcel for womanhood.
Life experiences, good or bad, don't 'make you better or worse' - YOU get to decide what you'll do with what you learned. You're trying to fix blame for acting poorly on something that happened in your life.
Or put another way, EVERYBODY had bad things, difficulties, failures, injuries both physical and mental, and on an on. But only a tiny fraction of people turn into ax murderers or felons. And usually those, and others will say, it's the fault of whatever happened to the, "Oh, it's cuz his father beat him" or whatever. Uh, no. We all need to take responsibility for our well being. We can't just blame everything on something else.
Depends on the person.
For me I got cheated on twice, first guy was physically abusive and the second guy was verbally abusive. Left me hurt for a long time after but no I have now gained experience from it, learnt from it. So as shitty as those experiences were, it’s helped me learn what I want, what not to settle for, to not feel bad to say no and so many other things too.
That’s all kinds of relationships I’m referring to. Both family and friends.
Not everyone will take away good from bad experiences and that’s okay. We all take things differently.
Yes it’s true. Although there is a series of bad decisions that usually follows it. During the reprise it may seem the person is forced to make significant improvements or changes. They do this for themselves and for social standing. Therefore it is usually the people outside, third and second persons that say the person has gone through traumas but comes out stronger. And in the end that is all that matters. Because your opinion of yourself is good (for yourself) but is bias and not taken in the account of others, despite some saying oh he is so confident or whatever, it’s not true. Finally while this doesn’t always occur (if loss of limb etc) there are many who claim that the brain suddenly learns 20x faster after being dumped, and there may be some truth to it as the best method I have found to destress and recover is exercising, which is said to reduce the chance of heart failure (death from heartbreak).
To re-iterate I agree with and liked OP
Depends on what was done. My ex demanded to be in complete control of everything, all money, bills, vehicles, property. Eventually she cheated on me with a county deputy, threw me and my son out and stole, destroyed and threw away years of property. Eventually she admitted in a phone call that her, her mother lied to try to ruin my life, she lied through the whole divorce and her, her kids and her mother stole things. I was very bitter and even hateful towards her. Although I still remember everything, I have sense become very untrusting of people.
A bad experience can do make you hateful and not able to trust people. It takes years to get over that. I can trust, but have also seen many scammed who just want money for nothing but a promise. It is not a quick road back, but it does take someone who can prove that trust and kindness can be given.
People are different and I don't think bad experience in former relationship has such huge influence on my general personality. Maybe I became less prone to idealize people I like, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you have to make hard and painful decision, estimating current situation through pink-red glasses of wish think and unrealistic hope leads always to much more pain than necessary.
They are SUPPOSED to make both parties better. That is how you learn from your mistakes in them. But you have to be open and willing to accept you screwed up somewhere along the line, and are willing to accept the criticism the experience has called you on. If you aren't willing to learn from it... be willing to accept the fact you may eventually be walked out on.
Yes! There is already enough BORING History kids have to sit through in class. Don't add this shit on top of it!!
From my experience talking to girls who are utterly broken inside going through bad experiences will assume that every guy on the face of the earth is a lying, cheating scumbag.
Yeah I wish your statement was true but I lost count how many times I’ve been mentally kicked in the balls by you gals.
Most who are freshly coming out of a difficult relationship will feel hurt and angry. This is very normal for both parties. The ones who have more positive outlook will eventually move forward from the gained experiences, learned from and do better and not to repeat when getting into their next relationship.
One with more negative outlook, often stay for a very very long time. Often don't make the change they need for the next relationship... this... history repeats.
Both. Some turn bitter while others learned and got hopeful. I've come to realization that that it is often women who blame their pain on someone else, while men often blame themselves for allowing themselves to be put in that position. This is why often men tend to adjust whom they get into a relationship with or refrain from dating altogether. And me saying this isn't to shit on women, but rather a mere observation.
There are obvious positive things you get from bad existences (learning to recognize the signals early is one of them), but the negative things tend to leave deeper marks and condition your behavior for future relationships. Experience enough bad experiences and you might end up not wanting to try anymore, either due to fear or resentment.
The bad experience can either make you a better or worse person. It is not the experience that defines you - the choice is yours on how you wish to react to the bad experience. If you choose to learn from it and stop dating A-holes, then it will make you better person. If you choose to keep dating A-holes, well that is your choice and you will not have grown from the bad experience.
It depends how you deal with that. Something bad happens to you and then you want to be the victim forever then it doesn't make you a better person. But if you sit back and look at the situation from the beginning to the end and identify where you went wrong and identify what mistakes you made and how you will do better going forward then absolutely it's a good thing.
It can make you both better or worse depending on how you handle it.
Get cheated o or an abusive boyfriend on."All guys are evil, scum, fuck them but I hate being single" = Worse
You learn to recognize the red flags better, reevaluate what you want in a partner, etc = better
Probably worse... I know I'm not a nicer, more trusting, or generally kinder and more tolerant person as a result of my dating experiences. I'm actually less tolerant. I prefer to think of it as being discerning because it's not like I'm forcing my views on anyone.
I agree. Men become more intolerant of bad behavior and definitely lose the feeling that females are divine beings; from what I’ve seen of women they tend to become worse and more nihilistic people and bad behavior becomes more of the norm. They blame men for everything and take zero responsibility as their victim mindset overtake them.
@DeltaCharlieEcho That's how my ex was. She absolutely could not understand why I wasn't down to stay with her after she spent a year treating me like a dog. She genuinely thought she was doing me a favor by associating with me.
I know she hates me (and probably men in general just a little bit more) after our break up, but I won't make any apologies for not entertaining her princess complex.
I kinda feel bad for millennial women, kinda. I mean I don't really feel bad for them in a constructive way; I guess pity is a better word. Millennial men are about to turn a hard corner and those of us that have spent our time learning skills and becoming real men, are about to have what is probably the biggest surge of value in modern history if I was go guess. When the economy crashes and women lose their market value and men refuse to spend on thots and cyber-prostitutes, things are going to change DRASTICALLY in the male favor. And I'm not saying that it will be funny or anything, but for the next 40-60 years it's gonna be pretty funny.
They have no idea it's coming, either (mostly). I think they're getting the vibe that men aren't crazy about dealing with them anymore, but I doubt they're making the connection that it's because they spend tons of time on social media talking about how awful, unreliable, and flaky men are.
I kinda think it's the other way around, I think women are becoming less interested in men and marriage.
Men kinda always been the way they are and mindsets are similar.
Some men have impressed me though.
Some women are less mature though and more lost in themselves. So honestly it's all crazy lately.
If you were right women would not act the way they do now. Many guys kind are oblivious to how women really are.
Also if your lady did not interest you I don't understand why you stayed so long, some guy will treat her like a princess cause he loves it, which means she just wasn't for you.
In a relationship we both have choices and we both can react differently, so your relationship not working is on you too. You just need to see past her and look at you and wonder what you did too to make the choices you made. Example: Staying
You can't blame her for that. She also can not blame you either if she did not leave knowing you made her unhappy.
I can't believe just how disconnected this JustAnj chick is. Women haven't lost interest in men or relationships at all, they've altered their priorities based on social and political pressure. This is shown when women get over 30 and realize just how little time they have left to have kids.
@DeltaCharlieEcho Meh... she's just telling us how things look from her perspective. It's important for her to express that.
Perspective warps reality. If you look at these things in a vacuum, the reality is clear. When women interject their feelings into a conversation of measurable statistics and verifiable facts, it only serves to further increase the value of subjective ideology as opposed to objective reality. Don't allow this.
@DeltaCharlieEcho
It's not warping reality and there is no pressure you are also talking to a woman who constantly studies people.
You are correct that many women do see that they are losing time to bare children and have family's, this does not take from the reality that more women everyday do not see the point in a relationship if they can achieve to be alone without a man if that's even what they want.
Women do not feel pressured they feel like they are tired of being Cinderella or princess in wait of charming, though I cannot say these same women might still dream of the idea they just feel it's less likely and should not stop them from building themselves up to better benefit their lives.
I'm not blind to how a lot of people are or how it's all shifting. Have you noticed how women ask more about if their relationships are worth keeping over how they may approach relationships. Men on the other hand tend to ask more questions about how to approach women and how to get a girl interested.
There is a lot that has not changed but a lot that has, facts only state an idea not the actual fact. This is why being aware of others and studying behavior patterns has a better range in understanding what people actually do more of over a study based on 200 to how many other amounts you want to imply.
This is not the whole world but we all have our similarities in how we act and interact as well as our patterns of living.
@DeltaCharlieEcho
All your doing is viewing points and not what's in front of you. I get it but honestly both things could decode facts into better understanding evolution's of nature and human in a whole.
I will agree that both can be useful but using one to indicate fact would only lead us into concept with trial and error.
This is why science is always ever changing. It's quite beautiful and interesting at the same time. Don't limit that mind it can lead you to better concepts then the one you hold now. :)
I like to think it makes us better for example I realize I should have been doing something and wasn't so in my next relationship I try to improve on that. That's what I like to think but the fact is it seems like you said we become cautious, untrusting, people that build the wall higher with every failure
It depends on how your process that negativity. Either you can become bitter and hateful, or you can learn a grow from those experiences. How we handle hardship is what defines us.
Worse. you begin to second guess yourself and maybe pass on what could have been a great relationship because you didn't want to go through it all again.
Then there is herpes.
It depends what you do with that experience. You can use it to power your resentment and bitterness, and ultimately not move on our learn.
Or you can say it happened and I do not want it to happen again. Here's how I need to change, here's how I'm going to choose better.
It makes for a person who can't handle a healthy relationship, because it is not full of drama and arguing
It all depends on the individuals if they come out of the relationship bitter. Because let's say things didn't go as planned. then they meet someone else later on, and if they haven't let whatever it was from the previous relationship. I'd say yes a person can come off a relationship ugly, mean, and nasty. Just the way I like em.
Worse because they become weaker, more jealous, and more suspicious of the partner, along with putting a wall up in general.
For women... always worse. For men... sometimes worse sometimes better.
it depends. if you blame yourself for parts of it that means you are taking ownership and learning to do better.
but one could also decide all bad things are the fault of external things and double down on their personality and become resistant to change
It can have both bad or good effects, just depends on the person and how they perceive their experiences. People can go through hell and be better for it in end, whereas others contemplate suicide on the daily and eventually attempt or commit it.
It SHOULD make us wiser but I think most just become bitter and jaded
I think it tends to do more harm than good. Hurt people, hurt people.
I think I’ve become stronger. And wiser. I don’t put up with anything these days. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t suffer in some way during the relationship or when it was over.
It depends on the person... if they wanna change themself to be a better person after a bad experience, it's a good thing. But if things go downhill then it'll be chaotic.
My bad experiences showed me what I do not want.. And made me less trusting of women.
@worldscolide. Yes. Experience has shown me what women really are.
It all depends on the person. Some will grow from bad experiences, others will crumble.
I guess it depends on the situation. I think most experiences with relationships can only improve you.
Both.
Just depends if the person is strong enough to move past things or not and learn. This isn't a black or white answer kinda thing.
A bit of both it really depends how someone is mentally and how they deal with things undoubtedly you can learn from these negative experiences but that doesn't mean it doesn't scar you.
I’d argue that they make you a more experienced and cautious person. But they do make you more negative as a whole.
Unhappy experiences added to the bitterness and distrust and taught me more about female nature.
MGTOW monk now.
It can go either way, actually. Some people learn from what they did wrong and become better, some others just become resentful and seek take their anger out on their future partners.
Depends on how oke deals with it.
You can either learn to heal properly, and then a bad experience helps you grow better.
Otherwise you end up bitter or insecure or develop other issues.
Yes i want to do it one more time
so that i can love i can talk i can live with her
You're muddying the waters. Replace all of those descriptors with just 'insecure'. It's your fault if you're insecure.
If you don't let yourself heal from them, then yes, it can be very harmful.
Well here we are?
https://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Men_Going_Their_Own_Way? wprov=sfla1
It depends on how the person takes it... if they can look at it and learn something from it, and/or find something positive from it then it's a good thing... if they only take negative and don't learn anything, then it's a bad thing.
Do you expect those experiences to repeat? Or do you expect to learn how to handle them, so they never repeat again?
Both! You become less open and tolerant meaning you've begun to know yourself. At the same time those around you feel like you're bitter because you don't put up with shit anymore.
It makes you a better person. It's all about learning and helping others , on what you learned.
I think it varies from individual to the next on how they move forward with such experiences.
Worst, bad experiences have made me a bitter, hateful old bastard.
Better experience wise but probably worse when it comes to trust and attitude.
I always level up through the ending of a partnership. Sometimes it makes me crave that level up so I subconsciously sabotage the partnership and that’s a form of addition I believe.
That depends of what perception you end up developing. Is only the matter of one single decision.
It just makes you a person. Whether you get bitter or better is up to you
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