What makes you interested in someone enough to pursue a friendship/relationship?

Question

I feel incapable of being interested in people enough to pursue any friendship/relationship with them. I just keep thinking I'll meet someone I really like someday but doubt it'll ever happen.

I'm an introvert and enjoy spending time by myself, friends aren't a necessity. Though, if I meet people, I will always make an attempt at getting to know them. But, I'm usually disappointed once learning more and don't pursue anything further than being acquaintances. Despite this, people typically like me a lot once they get to know me and want to spend more time with, and talk to, me. I feel bad because I never reciprocate.

Answer 1

AmandaYVR | 1.1K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Influencer

It's an interesting question, and one that's difficult to answer.
And I don't think my specific answer will help you assess yourself.
You said that you like a lot of alone time and find people easily draining. And if that's the case, that's okay.
You'll just have to consider the larger picture, which is why you feel that way and if you will be okay in your future going forward, not having people close in your life. When the shit hits the fan, will you have anyone to rely on, or call to talk, or help get you out of a jam?
The risk here is also that you become so isolated, so insulated, that you lose the ability to adapt and compromise. Those are skills, almost like a muscle, and you can lose them. Does that matter to you? Compromise kind of sucks. No living creature wants to do it. But it's necessary in order to have bonds, and even just to have people at all in your life.
I have a pretty high general interest in people... when they are good. I could care less about completely immoral, selfish, violent, mentally brain damaged, etc. I'm not interested in oddities, but more majorities, thought patterns. Yet those are intellectual interests. Not personal.
For me to care about someone... well it takes a fairly special person. And I won't bother describing what that is. It's specific to me, and won't be to you. But it might be worth noting that it's not merely about how they treat me. It's about who they are. And I actually relish in the fact that those people, and the ones who can sustain my energy and curiosity, they are very, very, rare. I want society to be better. But average, typical, and common, only make the rarities stand out more. In those, I invest.

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1 Person

JBlade

7 mo
Thanks for your input. I've considered this and friends have never played any major role in my life. I don't mind compromising but I have to believe that the person is worth compromising for (either I like them or future benefits), currently no one fits the bill besides immediate family.

I can totally relate to the last part. I also care about who they are. Unfortunately, most I come in contact with are the "average, typical, and common." It gets discouraging and annoying when that's all you've encountered your entire life lol. I've only met like 2 standouts. Possibly due to location and proximity though.
AmandaYVR

7 mo
I understand. There are many reasons someone may not have many others in their life. Some are by choice, others circumstance, luck, and only some have some deeper root cause such as insecurity, avoidance of vulnerability, yada yada. Some have one person, a partner, and are happy enough with that. We work with what we have, with what we encounter.
I've met a good number of kind and interesting people on GAG who have become friends. These geographically distant relationships are not the same as in person, obviously, but I am a writer type and it's quite easy for me if they are the same. Nowadays, everyone has specific preferences, platforms, and hardware, on which they communicate. We all have to try to adapt to that, schedules, time differences, etc.
And then there's in person. I find these people few and far between. And I don't think people are particularly friendly or generally interested in chatting with strangers. Then covid happened.
Then add your geographical location, how big the population. And if you have hobbies that take you out of the house or not.
And if you live with others, you don't have the same privacy to develop new relationships in that same space. All conversations can be heard.
Maybe that was pointless, now that I think about, to itemize those things, but when you add those to the odds of actually really clicking with another person... well. No wonder so many live online now. (Plus, people ignore the in-person person, because the screen holds so many more. That's a blatant disregard for 'a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.')
AmandaYVR

7 mo
There is a classic personality test I know very well and have taken many times, and I fall into the smallest category of all; just 1.5% of the global population is like me, in that regard. So I do feel different. (And in others ways that are not at all represented in that test.) And things, people, bother me, quite intensely. I'm unsatisfied with most/many people. I find they put in little effort, are unaware, not introspective enough, deny their true motivations, are not very creative, are consumers but rarely producers of something of depth and value. (For instance, lol.) But even me, I happen to come to a point in these past few years, because of major life changes I have made, that I now know some very special people, very intimately, and I'm grateful for them. Now I know that it was circumstances, not a complete disconnect from relating to others or too high expectations or too esoteric a personality, that was truly pivotal. The other thing is that we are all distantly connected to each other. Either by country, community, or just being a small stone rippling in a pond. Effort, action, volition, and observation, are all impactful. If you want them to be. Finding a best in your town or city... very difficult. But if one loosens up the 'requirements' and expands that... then I think these last things I mentioned, they can make a difference, and be quite fruitful.
I can chat with anyone online. It's just whether I want to. It must be a two-way street, and many others don't recognize the need to 'bring something to the table', themselves. So that eliminates most, and that's ok. It's a filtering process. You just hope you get lucky one day, or once in a while.
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JBlade

7 mo
I enjoyed reading your response and completely resonate with what you say. I also appreciate you taking the time to provide analytical depth. As you've stated, there are a lot of other factors/circumstances that influence the result we are faced with when searching for others we wish to incorporate into our lives. Unfortunately, a lot of encounters do come down to luck though. Personally, I only want one best friend/partner so I guess my requirement may be high and I'm a bit picky because I intend on investing a lot into that particular person. Started accepting/preparing for the "single forever" life awhile ago because a large portion of statistics are against me in finding an ideal match. Glad you found people though, I'm sure it's nice.
AmandaYVR

7 mo
Well thanks, you're welcome, and I resonated with your question too. I think I kept it open in a tab on my PC for almost a couple of days. (And I'm glad I decided to answer it.) And yeah, I'm very analytical. I think it might be one reason why I can talk to guys so easily.
Anyway, if you're not feelin' it, you're not feelin' it. You don't have to have any guilt about that. (Not that you do; I'm just sayin', affirming.)
And you are already preparing yourself for a potentially long singledom. Acceptance is good, I guess.
Limiting circumstances mean more compromise, or more acceptance on the current state of things. And I respect your choice on the latter.
The only other thing to consider is what might be gained by some interactions with others, even if they don't directly lead to 'the one.' And that's something only you can decide. It may not be worth the effort, in your mind. Or (just for instance), it might brighten a day, introduce you to something new that becomes an interest, helps you improve your conversation and/or communication skills, makes the whole Q&A format roll more easily off the tongue, or helps you to recognize when and if 'the one' does come along, by being able to compare, in a more informed way, later on.
I'm not pushing you in any direction. Just food for thought.
Some find it's too much energy expenditure for little payout; 'a waste of time.' They have a goal, and they know what it is.
AmandaYVR

7 mo
Myself, though I may not have seen it clearly when I was in the thick of it in my 20s (it did feel very tumultuous at the time), reflecting back now, I believe more in the value of experience, experiences, in general. I wanted deep and committed, but was in no hurry at all for marriage. I have no 'type.' I don't believe in 'checklists.' I was open to all different types of people. That has always been me, apparently. But I'm selective. Especially more so now. I do enjoy having all those memories, though, of the people I did spend time with, however brief. I don't see relationships ending as failures, or wastes of time. I think they're more than that, actually.
But to each their own.
Good luck to you. 🍀 And peace in your peaceful existence, if you choose to stay solitary.

Answer 2

JBlade

Thanks for your input. I've considered this and friends have never played any major role in my life. I don't mind compromising but I have to believe that the person is worth compromising for (either I like them or future benefits), currently no one fits the bill besides immediate family.

I can totally relate to the last part. I also care about who they are. Unfortunately, most I come in contact with are the "average, typical, and common." It gets discouraging and annoying when that's all you've encountered your entire life lol. I've only met like 2 standouts. Possibly due to location and proximity though.

Answer 3

AmandaYVR

I understand. There are many reasons someone may not have many others in their life. Some are by choice, others circumstance, luck, and only some have some deeper root cause such as insecurity, avoidance of vulnerability, yada yada. Some have one person, a partner, and are happy enough with that. We work with what we have, with what we encounter.
I've met a good number of kind and interesting people on GAG who have become friends. These geographically distant relationships are not the same as in person, obviously, but I am a writer type and it's quite easy for me if they are the same. Nowadays, everyone has specific preferences, platforms, and hardware, on which they communicate. We all have to try to adapt to that, schedules, time differences, etc.
And then there's in person. I find these people few and far between. And I don't think people are particularly friendly or generally interested in chatting with strangers. Then covid happened.
Then add your geographical location, how big the population. And if you have hobbies that take you out of the house or not.
And if you live with others, you don't have the same privacy to develop new relationships in that same space. All conversations can be heard.
Maybe that was pointless, now that I think about, to itemize those things, but when you add those to the odds of actually really clicking with another person... well. No wonder so many live online now. (Plus, people ignore the in-person person, because the screen holds so many more. That's a blatant disregard for 'a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.')

Answer 4

AmandaYVR

There is a classic personality test I know very well and have taken many times, and I fall into the smallest category of all; just 1.5% of the global population is like me, in that regard. So I do feel different. (And in others ways that are not at all represented in that test.) And things, people, bother me, quite intensely. I'm unsatisfied with most/many people. I find they put in little effort, are unaware, not introspective enough, deny their true motivations, are not very creative, are consumers but rarely producers of something of depth and value. (For instance, lol.) But even me, I happen to come to a point in these past few years, because of major life changes I have made, that I now know some very special people, very intimately, and I'm grateful for them. Now I know that it was circumstances, not a complete disconnect from relating to others or too high expectations or too esoteric a personality, that was truly pivotal. The other thing is that we are all distantly connected to each other. Either by country, community, or just being a small stone rippling in a pond. Effort, action, volition, and observation, are all impactful. If you want them to be. Finding a best in your town or city... very difficult. But if one loosens up the 'requirements' and expands that... then I think these last things I mentioned, they can make a difference, and be quite fruitful.
I can chat with anyone online. It's just whether I want to. It must be a two-way street, and many others don't recognize the need to 'bring something to the table', themselves. So that eliminates most, and that's ok. It's a filtering process. You just hope you get lucky one day, or once in a while.

Answer 5

JBlade

I enjoyed reading your response and completely resonate with what you say. I also appreciate you taking the time to provide analytical depth. As you've stated, there are a lot of other factors/circumstances that influence the result we are faced with when searching for others we wish to incorporate into our lives. Unfortunately, a lot of encounters do come down to luck though. Personally, I only want one best friend/partner so I guess my requirement may be high and I'm a bit picky because I intend on investing a lot into that particular person. Started accepting/preparing for the "single forever" life awhile ago because a large portion of statistics are against me in finding an ideal match. Glad you found people though, I'm sure it's nice.

Answer 6

AmandaYVR

Well thanks, you're welcome, and I resonated with your question too. I think I kept it open in a tab on my PC for almost a couple of days. (And I'm glad I decided to answer it.) And yeah, I'm very analytical. I think it might be one reason why I can talk to guys so easily.
Anyway, if you're not feelin' it, you're not feelin' it. You don't have to have any guilt about that. (Not that you do; I'm just sayin', affirming.)
And you are already preparing yourself for a potentially long singledom. Acceptance is good, I guess.
Limiting circumstances mean more compromise, or more acceptance on the current state of things. And I respect your choice on the latter.
The only other thing to consider is what might be gained by some interactions with others, even if they don't directly lead to 'the one.' And that's something only you can decide. It may not be worth the effort, in your mind. Or (just for instance), it might brighten a day, introduce you to something new that becomes an interest, helps you improve your conversation and/or communication skills, makes the whole Q&A format roll more easily off the tongue, or helps you to recognize when and if 'the one' does come along, by being able to compare, in a more informed way, later on.
I'm not pushing you in any direction. Just food for thought.
Some find it's too much energy expenditure for little payout; 'a waste of time.' They have a goal, and they know what it is.

Answer 7

AmandaYVR

Myself, though I may not have seen it clearly when I was in the thick of it in my 20s (it did feel very tumultuous at the time), reflecting back now, I believe more in the value of experience, experiences, in general. I wanted deep and committed, but was in no hurry at all for marriage. I have no 'type.' I don't believe in 'checklists.' I was open to all different types of people. That has always been me, apparently. But I'm selective. Especially more so now. I do enjoy having all those memories, though, of the people I did spend time with, however brief. I don't see relationships ending as failures, or wastes of time. I think they're more than that, actually.
But to each their own.
Good luck to you. 🍀 And peace in your peaceful existence, if you choose to stay solitary.

Answer 8

auxell

Xper 1

I'm also an introvert (extreme) and I feel the same way as you do. When you actually got to know the person more but you lose interest in the blink of an eye yet they like you even more.

As for me, I was in a very serious relationship with the 4th one. We started off as friends and I was not interested in them, like seriously. But they still annoy the shit out of me and kept talking to me. I got bored and so I went along with it until (surprisingly) I fell in love with them. They were sweet, kind and extroverted. They make me laugh all day and shits like that. That's when I kind of felt like, "Dang, I want them."

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1 Person

JBlade

7 mo
Interesting experience, glad it worked out for you both though. I've never loved anyone so that part is a bit unfathomable for me lol.

Answer 9

JBlade

Interesting experience, glad it worked out for you both though. I've never loved anyone so that part is a bit unfathomable for me lol.

Answer 10

DaveToo | 278 opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Yoda

Everyone I meet, in person or online, I make the attempt to be friendly. Making friends, to me, is more than just a hello and goodnight. I've always wanted to help people, and if I can offer my knowledge to help give a solution to a problem, then I've done my best. Whether they consider my advice worthy is up to them. But I consider them friends.
What I don't appreciate is someone that insults me without knowing my background.

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1 Person

JBlade

7 mo
Interesting and a respectable perspective. Also, I agree; there’s no reason for insults against someone you know nothing about.
DaveToo

7 mo
Thanks for the MHO!

Answer 11

JBlade

Interesting and a respectable perspective. Also, I agree; there’s no reason for insults against someone you know nothing about.

Answer 12

DaveToo

Thanks for the MHO!

Answer 13

Anonymous

I enjoy my own company, and I don’t have many friends. I’ve had friends over the years but aside from having a friend to do have fun and do things with, you can’t trust anyone and that’s supposed to be part of friendship. From experiences I just feel I’m better off keeping things surface level. It would take someone to truly show interest and involvement in my life from a romantic point of view or interest and being genuine (because I’m super good at knowing if someone is) for me to really take someone seriously. I need consistency. And obviously maturity levels, communication, trust etc etc

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1 Person

JBlade

6 mo
This. All of this, yes! Exactly how I feel as well. Interesting to hear it from someone else lol.

Answer 14

JBlade

This. All of this, yes! Exactly how I feel as well. Interesting to hear it from someone else lol.

Answer 15

Anonymous

I’m also an introvert, so on the rare occasion where I get to meet someone who vibes with me and is not emotionally draining - I’m keeping ‘em around

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1 Person

Answer 16

NathanDavis | 1.1K opinions shared on Relationships topic.

Master

what about yourself... do you like yourself?

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JBlade

7 mo
Yes I do, very much :).
NathanDavis

7 mo
and... what are the things that are so interesting, and likeable about yourself?
JBlade

7 mo
Personally, I'm not that interesting lol. However, I'm easy to get along with and people tend to enjoy my laid back attitude, personality, and humor.
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NathanDavis

7 mo
so, what about others who are like you... the people that also are easy to get along with, and have a likeable personality, humor and laid back attitude...

have you ever felt able to enjoy that in others, or you just enjoy it in yourself?
JBlade

7 mo
Yeah, I enjoy that in others but enjoy it in myself much more. I've met very few people like myself. Made a friend from work a few years ago who was initially similar but became more extroverted and wanted to do more stuff/talk together. I really value my alone time so the friendship felt like an inconvenience to me at that point.

Answer 17

JBlade

Yes I do, very much :).

Answer 18

NathanDavis

and... what are the things that are so interesting, and likeable about yourself?

Answer 19

JBlade

Personally, I'm not that interesting lol. However, I'm easy to get along with and people tend to enjoy my laid back attitude, personality, and humor.

Answer 20

NathanDavis

so, what about others who are like you... the people that also are easy to get along with, and have a likeable personality, humor and laid back attitude...

have you ever felt able to enjoy that in others, or you just enjoy it in yourself?

Answer 21

JBlade

Yeah, I enjoy that in others but enjoy it in myself much more. I've met very few people like myself. Made a friend from work a few years ago who was initially similar but became more extroverted and wanted to do more stuff/talk together. I really value my alone time so the friendship felt like an inconvenience to me at that point.

What makes you interested in someone enough to pursue a friendship/relationship?

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