Ok ignore the people here who are just shitting on you. They're idiots who can't see that you are someone who is honestly asking for help and wants to change because they have the humility to recognize their flaws. You aren't being arrogant or superior behind some thin veil of fake humility. How dare they. That's right. You guys are fucking retards.
That being said, there are a lot of things you can do and it would probably be helpful for you to have a professional help you along the way. If you can afford it on your own or perhaps through your school, insurance, work or something then having a psychologist on your side could really help you to unpack and examine your thoughts and emotions and teach you effective self management tools.
If a psychologist is out of reach for now, you'll want to start practicing a few things that will help to make your thoughts clearer, understand yourself and be more objective.
1) a mindfulness practice. Your thoughts and feelings drive your behavior and they're mostly on autopilot. As much as you think they come from you, that they're yours or that you make them happen... That's a dirty lie. Your thoughts and feelings happen TO YOU automatically. And they drive your behavior and your entire life. Don't believe me? Tell me exactly what your next thought is going to be. You probably heard a voice in your head scrambling to invent some shit or try to figure out the answer. You won't be able to tell me. Thoughts just happen. These automatic thoughts will continue to drag you through the mud wherever they want to go if you don't do anything about it. And you can't do anything about it if you don't even realize that it's happening. It's a really subtle shift, but mindfulness practices like meditation help you separate yourself from your automatic thoughts and emotions just a little bit, from BEING and EMBODYING them to OBSERVING and NOTICING them. This will give you an enormous amount of power because cultivating the ability to observe that your thoughts are happening allows you a bit of space between them and yourself where you can make a choice whether to go along with them as you always have or let them go and choose something different. If you ARE your thoughts, there's no choice in the matter. It's just mind control. You're just a puppet. It's going to take practice, but it's totally worth it. My life completely leveled up as a result of learning how to do this. Imagine the power you'll have in those critical moments where you'd normally start drama because you're getting overwhelmed by all these jealous conspiracy theories bubbling up in your mind, and you can break free of that spell and come back to the present moment, where it's peaceful, neutral and a completely different ambiance from the inside of your mind, and be able to choose something different. You'll have the ability to say "ok jealousy I see you. Let's see if y'all really make any sense at all. If he was really out cheating, would he have done this? Etc." Maybe he is a dirty cheating bastard in reality, but yoi don't stand a chance of knowing for sure without a clear head. You've gotten back together so many times after all.
Tip: mindfulness is an action/ a verb. It's not something you think about doing. If you're thinking about it rather than actively doing it in that particular moment, your mind is in control, not you.
2) is an inquiry practice like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Once you notice your thoughts, you have the power to question them. Inquiry practices like this are all about keeping your mind clear and undoing unhelpful knots in your brain. It's mostly a defensive practice. The way things are, your thoughts probably run wild and repeat themselves and eventually when things repeat enough times, they form callouses in your brain and beliefs start to form around them. They become real to you. And then you start to look for evidence in the outside world to confirm these beliefs (confirmation bias) which are based ultimately on nothing but your worries and probably erroneous ideas/ thoughts. But they control you. You need to get in the habit of noticing what your thoughts are and then exercising your skeptical muscles and questioning these emotions and thoughts. You really want to ask yourself basic questions first like:
"What happened? Just the cold hard facts, no extra mental stories or interpretations or added meaning?" Or "What triggered this thought to happen"
"What is the thought exactly?"
"What are the accompanying emotions for this thought on a scale of 1-10?" (Anger, sadness and anxiety are like the primary colors of negative emotions, and most other negative emotions are composed of mixtures of the 3. Categorizing your feelings into anger, sadness and anxiety is quick and effective. At their roots these emotions are about perceived or real injustice (anger), loss (sadness) or threat (anxiety))
"What does it mean if this thought is true? Is that what's causing my distress?"
"If I'm being creative here, how many alternate explanations/ interpretations can I think of?"
This process can be hard to do on the fly at first. The first few times you'll want to write it out step by step in a journal and review an experience you had. Once you do it a few times in retrospect, you'll get the hang of it and be able to do it in the moment.
Mindfulness will make you realize that you have an interpretation of reality and give you the space to have a choice about it. Inquiry will actually give you more and usually better interpretations of reality, which will give you more options in your choice.
3) the last thing I would recommend is to try to cultivate courage within yourself. I'm still haven't figured this one out myself. My understanding is that if you can cultivate courage in yourself, you can actually execute the choices that you come up with even though they're scary. I try to just be decisive about things and build my wings while I'm falling, so to speak. I try to remember that no matter what I do, I'll always be ok. I force myself to do things that scare me. Slowly I've built up a certain amount of confidence and courage. But I don't have an airtight method yet for producing it on the spot. Though I think courage is defined as taking action even though you're scared to. Hope this helps.
You need to do some self reflection and figure out why you’re so insecure and realize if it’s a problem within you the that’s where you should face it. When you start to feel yourself getting jealous then stop and go somewhere quite and focus on yourself and your issues that cause you to react the way you do don’t let your head get in the way don’t let it put imaginary evidence in your way. Recognize that it’s nothing he did and take your focus off of him and on to yourself and work out the facts in your head throw away the theories and just look at the facts. If it’s because of past relationships or abuse from your childhood then those are the things you should address. I believe everyone has those thoughts to a certain degree but it’s what they do with them and one last very important thing when you’re self reflecting don’t stay in your head for to long just recognize admit it face it and put it away. Sometimes when people stay in there heads too long especially when stressed it will get them tripping plus when you take these little breaks to get your head straight and then come back to your boyfriend not being toxic I bet you’ll notice a deference in how more pleasant he will be with you and before you know it you’ll realize that nothing bad happened when you went and cleared your head so more than likely if he was up to something you wouldn’t notice a change in a good way and that right there is evidence that being calm and cool is way better than being toxic FACT
well, why exactly are you so jealous? does he give you reason for it? why does he do or not do to make you jealous and cause drama? think about it, if it is truly your fault or his.
another thing is, if he's nice to you, and you like him, you must focus with all your strength before he's gone for good. and then you will be missing him and wishing you guys can reunite and you will not be able to have him back. focus, see his value, his love, his affection for you.
we don't know what we got until it's done. take care girl.
There's already some good advice here. You'll get something out of that. And it's good you recognize your problems and want to change. I don't have any quick fixes. I also think you'd get more specifically applicable advice if you gave specific examples of the behaviours you do. Good luck.
You recognize your feelings/behaviors are irrational and driving him away, which is a very good start. It's easy to let your emotions take the wheel and steer you in the wrong direction.
Try to inject some logic into what you're thinking and feeling. If he keeps tolerating your behavior and coming back to you, then he MUST love you, right? If he loves you that much, why would he cheat on you? If he's that into you, why be so insecure? It might take some time, but learning to think in this fashion can go a long way towards dealing with and correcting compulsive, irrational thoughts and feelings.
As some others have suggested, therapy may be a good choice for you if you can afford it. Also, behavior that you're describing can sometimes be attributed to chemical imbalances. A lot of medications prescribed by psychiatrists are aimed at correcting those imbalances. Personally, I believe it's always better to avoid taking medication if possible because of the side effects, but it might be a good option if all else fails.
Remember that it's you and him against the problem. It's not you against him and the problem.
Remember to tell him weather you want comfort or solutions.
"Hey I'm really insecure about_______ I want comfort, and reassurance."
"Hey I'm having issues with _____ can you help me with______"
It's all about communication. If you give him point A of what he did, point B of why you're upset, and point C of what he needs to do to make it better and he finds a way to turn it around and make you the problem then maybe he's the problem.
The fact you are coming out and asking for help shows you're trying, and remember that it's you and him versus the problem. You aren't against each other, you're together against the problem. Be clear in your needs.
You see the fault and want to change right there so that’s good. I was a lot like you many moons ago and it is down to your own insecurities. I found myself and became a ME instead of a WE I found people come and go but I still have ME. Now I’m my current relationship we’ve past some rough obstacles and I find myself turning back in to the psycho. I take myself away and remember ME again. She’s strong and can handle if he does his worst on me. I can survive alone. That kind of behaviour pushes the other person away I suggest you look at yourself
I’m proud of you for coming to this awareness and reaching out here for help. That’s the first step of stopping the toxic behaviour so good job! I highly advise you speak to a licensed therapist or something along those lines who can help you because these toxic traits can stem from much deeper issues that a therapist can help you with. Make sure to tell your boyfriend that you’re taking these steps
While it’s good that you want to change, you already know what you need to do. You literally listed the things you feel you need to change. So what’s actually stopping you? Sorry, but it doesn’t seem like you care about him. I mean it’s enough That you want to change, but not enough to actually do it. It only seems that way because of you already know what you need to changing, and yet you have chosen not to make those changes.
Go back and read what you posted and use it to guide you. You clearly know what you need to do, I just change figure out why you haven’t done it yet.
The fact that he's taking you back multiple times is bad enough as it is. But for you, you need to actually grow the heck up. All this drama, all this jealousy, and all the sensitivity needs to be under control. Perhaps you just need counseling of some kind, but you're completely aware of what you're doing and you're still choosing to do it. You just need to grow up and just face the fact that things aren't exactly how you want it to be. Perhaps you live off drama, but everyone doesn't. So if you wanted to stop, you just have to make yourself stop and actually have a conversation with your boyfriend about the problems of the relationship, while you are completely listening and understanding without cutting him off. That way you can see how he feels on plenty of issues.
Self-reflection, 3rd person perspective, & self analyzing. Catch yourself and think before you speek and/or act, ask yourself "am i acting out of insecurity? Will this start drama?". Also when you get mad, don't throw anything, dont be spiteful, and don't hit anything, just walk away and go for a walk. Try to conversate about issues and when you feel your temper flare up in a conversation, just take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Many people need self-reflection to grow as a person... sadly not many do it
The better you become as a person, the better you become as a girlfriend.
The better you become as a girlfriend, the better you become than other women, the better you feel about yourself when comparing yourself to them, the less insecure you get.
Whether it's working on your flaws, going to the gym, keeping fit, eating healthy, keeping busy, staying productive, anything that makes you feel better about yourself will make you feel better than other women and less insecure.
However, your behaviour isn't completely wrong, we all get jealous and some of us are more jealous than others, so you and your boyfriend need to find a compromise, for example, he can talk to less women, and talk less closely with them, and you can work on your insecurities and not be super sensitive about it anymore.
You know what you are going wrong, but keep doing it anyway. Clearly you want him to split up with you, because deep down you probably feel like you don’t deserve him. I suggest you make him aware you can’t help it, and that you will get some help understanding why. After this, you can learn how to act and think differently.
Plan your time in detail and focus on useful things instead of being jealous. And set a specific time a day to worry and that's it. You are not allowed to worry after that time. Also, tell yourself that you are going to do your best to be the best partner possible to him. When you become insecure, focus instead on self-improved. Exercise and eat healthy. Focus on your appearance to improve it. Then, if you find out that he really cheated and your jealosy was justified, it's his loss.
Also, know that anything you are going to say don't matter, it's not even worth it to discuss with him your jealosy and insecurities, but what you do matters instead.
While o would normally recommend counselling for this type of thing I feel that in your situation you might actually benefit for a deeper level of therapy and a psychiatrist might be more appropriate to delve into the very deep issues you have regarding yourself, they obviously go very deep.
As has been said, counseling is probably the move. I know a couple good professional counselors if you wanna DM for their contact info.
Personal opinion, it's more about having to address where the intense feelings are coming from and dealing with that. All the other shit clearly comes from there
Take a break from him and do some self reflection figuring out why you feel this way. What started this? Is it because of the attention or because it's some deep rooted issue. You can get therapy and heal from it and start the relationship on a positive note next. Work through your issues and be in a better healthy mind space. Explain to him about this before you get help.
Therapy. If you have no money for therapy, get self help books on Amazon if you want a physical copy, or get Audible free 30 day trial and test out a book out.
However, when diving into self help books, always read the reviews before buying.
Sounds like CBT would be a great start, find books on that.
So lets start with the qualities of your boyfriend that you. Tell me about him some. Then tell me about things that you love about your relationship. Most importantly though tell me things you love that have nothing to do with your relationship at all like interests and hobbies.
If you don’t know how to do these things on your own, you should seek counseling. It sounds like your boyfriend loves you but there will probably be a limit on how many times he’ll take you back so it would be wise to find someone who can help you solve your behavioral issues now.
Stop considering only yourself. That helps a lot. By that i mean, try to do meta communication. Talk about how you feel and why you think you feel that way. Don't treat your emotions as if they are another person's fault. Your emotions exist only in your brain and the only person responsible for how you feel is you. So maybe that perspective makes you less likely to create drama for them, when you realize that they aren't in charge for how you feel in the first place.
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Anonymous
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I asked basically a very similar question to this a couple of days ago because I am the exact same way I’m toxic I too also experience insecurity a jealously it sucks and he always gives me chances my advice you might need to talk to a psychologist to get to the bottom of the reasons for why you are toxic and to find ways that will help you have a healthy relationship
go to theraphy, for real, now its like you are not at point as a person to even be in a relationsip. you obviusly want to be w your boyfriend so you should work on ysf to resolve those problems. Therapy really helps!!
In my life I learned that two perfectly nice people can have a toxic relationship with one another. It's not intentional, it's just a bad match. And after you break up you may have healthy relationships with other individuals. It's like certain people trigger something bad in you and other people don't.
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