How do I cope with being forever alone and not belonging anywhere?

[Confusedblondegirl]

I move every year. i feel angsty, empty, confused, wounded, restless, skeptical, numb, misunderstood. i have no close friends or family anywhere. i’ve never had a boyfriend. i’m tired. i’m thinking about moving back to nyc. but i moved out west a year ago. it just feels like the likelihood of me meeting anyone out here is so low. i don’t even see or have opportunities to interact with men my age on a daily basis. there’s no one. and i’ve tried the apps. anyways. in nyc i hate that i’ll have to downgrade to a smaller place. but at least i have some old friendships there i can rekindle and have more chances to meet men. anyways i’m SO sick of MOVING. even though i feel i have no place in this world, my 600sqft apartment is my little haven. It’s the one place i belong and feel safe. with my cat and my stuff. even if i don’t feel like i belong in the city the apt is in. found this quote online and it’s true! “Frequent moves can bring up some uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety and impact one's ability and desire to build and maintain relationships,” she told me. “Some individuals link frequent moves to lower life satisfaction and poorer psychological well-being.” “Panic can really set in around your home and your apartment,” “It's a matrix of safety, so moving is incredibly stressful and people don't realize it — they mainly talk about the packing and the external part of moving.”

[SteveSmith1985]

Hey!😀... it's the weird girl with the cat! (weird in a good way). I have actually been thinking about you since I read you last question about how you moved so often, and didn't really feel like you had roots or "your people" in any one spot (not like thinking about you... this whole time... but thinking about you at non-creepy intervals, periodically, since you posted that question).

You see, my experience has been very much the opposite. I have lived in the same city (and surrounding suburbs) my entire life, with the exception of living in a small college town about an hour away when I was in University.

So as soon as I read that question, I have been trying to imagine what it would be like to have a life so different from my own. Personally, I don't think I would trade. I do however, really admire you for being able to just "pick up and try somewhere new" because the thought of doing so is one that genuinely frightens me.

Your other question seemed to be coming from someone who wasn't particularly unhappy about living such a nomadic life. You had seemed to be coming from more of a "meh... this is just how I roll" sort-of-mind-set.

I am distressed to see that, you in fact aren't the happy hippy wandering around the US that I took you for at first. (in my mind you're a like a nerdy-hippy, not the nose-ring and unshaved armpits variety).

It does make more sense to me that you feel this way about moving so much. It's more in-line with how I think I would feel if I were moving so much myself.

What is so painful to hear is that you've never had a boyfriend, and can't seem to meet a decent guy. I have to say, that you're definitely not the first girl who's said something along those lines. That sort of thing blows my mind.

I have been single for a very long time myself, and can very much sympathize with the feeling of "how am I supposed to meet someone... when I NEVER get a chance to cross paths with a potential mate now that I'm not in school anymore". I work with a bunch of guys. There are almost no women, and the few that exist there are either married, or rougher-around-the-edges than I am.

I have also known a whole lot of women who (through no fault of their own) have found online dating to yield no results.

I do feel like I should mention something here, that I otherwise would keep to myself. I don't hit on people on GAG. It's just not what I'm here looking for, and it's incongruent with the (often) rather serious personal shit I end up discussing with people I meet on GAG. So I do feel kind of weird mentioning this. That is especially true because; well... I don't know you at all, and I'm not really basing this on a whole lot...

As a single guy... you are someone who actually DID give me a little spark of romantic interest. Like I said, thinking "well... this girl seems like the type I'd be interested in talking to" on any romantic level... is just not something I end up thinking very often on GAG. You were one of the VERY few people who DID make that initial impression on me. My mind is just so far removed from 'looking for women' when I'm on GAG that it really does take something unique to make me notice you that way.

[SteveSmith1985]

SO what the hell am I talking about? Where did I get all of this? Nowhere really. Like I said, I am not basing this on very much at all. But my irrational instincts when it comes to things like this are rarely wrong. I don't know much about you. But the little of yourself that I've seen, personally, would interest me if we were chatting on a dating site.

Don't get weird, I'm not trying to hit on you now. Or propose you and I should be anything but friends.

It's just... I can't not mention this when you post "I'm going to be alone forever", when you are someone who STOOD OUT to me in a way that makes me want to argue with you on that point. It blows my mind to hear that you've never had a boyfriend. That seems like some sort of oversight on the part of the universe.

[SteveSmith1985]

I cannot even imagine how I would cope with not feeling like I belonged anywhere. I am not sure I could handle it at all.

I really wish I could give you some useful advice here. But I think It's a matter of you having to weigh things which only you can give proper weight to.

The way you say you feel about your apartment is just the way you NEED to feel. That's the goal. That's the right place for you. So it depends on how much "weight" you give to "the city being wrong" for you.

I think that there is nothing more important than the relationships you have with people. So if you feel like you have some relationships you can rekindle in NYC, then to me, that is something very important, which would be weighted rather heavily (for me).

I can appreciate that you must hate moving.

I think you need to be able to make a good case for moving for you to do it. There might very well be a good case for moving back to NYC (I'm inclined to lean that way... but I don't know the whole story).

I think that you should move if you feel you have some good reasons to move. But moving "for the sake of change" or moving because you're assuming the grass MUST be greener on the other side... that's what you should avoid doing.

Sorry about the length of this. But I just write until I run out of things I want to say. This time that took awhile. 🙂

[Confusedblondegirl]

Thank you for listening and genuinely caring enough to write this. It kind of helps to have a response like this bc i only have one friend (who lives in nyc) and when i talk to her about this it’s like talking to a wall of toxic positivity. she never says things like what you said and i guess that compassion and understanding is all i need to hear sometimes. so thank you

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh you're most welcome. Feel free to shoot me a message anytime if you care to chat. 🙂
My guess is that your friend doesn't realize she's coming off as a "wall of toxic positivity." I would bet that if you were to SAY that to her, she would stop in her tracks, and realize that's not what's best for you. I think she just doesn't know. Or then again, what do I know? maybe you already told her to chill and she hasn't listened.

[RichSD]

The unfortunate fact is, you're just exactly the kind of woman some guy would love to have as his girlfriend. You are 29 though, in all honesty, you may be better off looking for guys NOT your own age. Guys tend to start looking for women much younger than themselves after age 30 or so. You might find you have a lot in common with a guy 10 or more years older than you and still be very attracted. But the unfortunate truth is, very few guys in their 30s want to date a girl in her 30s. Even in their 40s most guys will really look differently at a 30-year-old than someone younger. If you really want to maximize your chances of finding someone that actually makes you happy rather than fitting some numbers together arbitrarily, you might want to loosen some of your standards now while you're still young enough to find love and start a family and the whole 9 yards.

[Confusedblondegirl]

i would date up to 40 that’s my max

[Teaku94]

Join a local church - I'm sure there are good guys your age out there.

[greysweatsking]

love yourself and focus on succes , be great and stay positive , positive energy brings positive people...

[Anonymous]

Are you saying you're 29 and never had a boyfriend?

[Confusedblondegirl]

yes exactly

[Opinion Owner]

Have you had any guys express interest in you in your life? Or were they guys you were not attracted to or just not interested in?

[sensible27]

I think the problem here might be, a goal.

[sensible27]

.. purpose