Why can't anyone believe I can be a good mother in the future?

[Anonymous]

I've been ditched or rejected by 2 past bfs and a date when they found out about my violent past towards smaller kids and other destructive acts. They judged me even though I was 10 years old the last time I hurt a small boy (reason: boredom, hatred, control, thrills, power). Yes at the time I did told a psychologist ''I like hurting things and kids weaker than me''.

I've been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months now. He knew my past on the 2nd month and even though he said he won't dump me over it, he wants to take things slower than usual given my past. I just wish he would trust me to be the mother of his future kids. Who I was back then isn't my current self anymore. I haven't hurt a single soul since then. Why is it hard for other to believe I can be a caring, loving mother? I can.

[caring__1]

And all these people judging you still wear diapers? Change is what growth is all about. I didn't like the way I was raised, so I did my research and raised my son in a much healthier way, and the results are amazing. People don't hurt others unless they are hurting. You worked through this issue with professional help. As long as you can associate with children and animals without feeling a desire to hurt them, or overreact when they don't do what you expect them to do, you will be the person you choose to be.

I can understand people taking it slow and being cautious. That makes perfect sense. We want to know the change is real and not just people saying what they think we want to hear. People tend to make a lot of claims, in order to win someone over, yet rarely do people follow through on these promises. It's like people who get into physical fitness to win a better quality partner and then let themselves go to pot after the marriage, saying it's normal to get fat. Don't make an issue out of this. Be patient and show him the person you are, and let him see the value in that. Let him see you in action.

The more you verbally try to convince him you have changed, the harder it will be for him to believe you. In a line from the play Hamlet by William Shakespeare, Queen Gertrude says "The lady doth protest too much, methinks". I'm sure you don't like people saying to you "Get over it already." Your boyfriend is as likely to return to being a drug addict and alcoholic as you are to be an abuser. Just take the high road and be the person you want to be. Don't be a reaction to other people's closed-mindedness. Don't be that girl who says "I might as well be one, if my father insists on calling me a slut."

[Asker]

My boyfriend had his own past too, though not as bad as mine (he didn't hurt animals nor kids). Like me, he came from a dysfunctional family. He suffered from depression and would steal and do drugs and alchohol as a way to alleviate his emotional pain. He was under an AA program and was seen by a therapist for his depression and low self-esteem, as well as his compulsion to steal.

[Asker]

At the time, I was a hurting kid but didn't realize it. For instance I always thought the word rape meant done by force and a scary man screaming at you or something. I didn't realize that a couple grown men seducing a child and the child (ages 8-10) giving consent was rape too.

[caring__1]

How is a kid to know anything different from what is familiar to that kid? It's like getting glasses at age 10... the kid thought everyone saw the same, so was shocked by discovering clear vision. Don't beat yourself up for what happened to you as a child. Learn from those experiences, and be considerate of how your choices impact others.

[Asker]

I've been trying to move on from all this. The man that impregnated me (but I miscarried during my detainment) is in prison for life. The interesting part about prison is he had to be placed away from the general population quickly because he was hated so much there.
My father still supports me and is helping me with my healing. While I was detained, he used to visit me more than my mother.

[Staximus]

Because that is some shit psychos and serial killers always do when they are kids. Normal 10 year old girls don't like hurting little kids. If you suffered some terrible abuse as a child and were lashing out in anger, that's slightly different. If you did not suffer any abuse that made you act or think like that, then there's an underlying psychological problem and you don't need to have kids. Not everybody should have kids.

[Asker]

I believe all this played a major role in my making:
- I knew about sex and other things from an early age. I really thought it was normal for a child to give consent to a couple grown men. My mother sometimes got drunk and left me home alone with her dates for hours.
- If I were to bully or hurt a small child, it was always towards a male child but not female. I didn't care about girls. Somehow I had anger towards small boys but not small girls.
- Divorced parents since my toddler years. I would only visit my father Friday after school, Sat and Sun. He was unaware of what was going on under my mother's care.
- One of my mother's former boyfriend is still locked up in prison... away from the general population. He's there for doing things to other children.

[Staximus]

It sounds like you hurt kids because you were hurt and abused. You have to explain that part of it too, or else it just sounds like you were a psycho child.

[Asker]

I already did. That was the main reason he decided to continue staying with me. He's upset with the pedophile that impregnated me (but I had a miscarriage) even though he's in prison for life. At the time I didn't know it was abuse and rape. I thought it was normal because it wasn't done violently but rather in a sweet, seducing manner.

[Staximus]

People can change. If that's in the past and you don't have those kinds of bad thoughts anymore around kids, then have kids. If you do have those bad thoughts then don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

People who harm a child in anyway needs to be locked up for life and have the key thrown away and they also should have their uterus removed and made sterile for life because they don’t deserve to ever be have their own kids only psychos harm innocent children

[Asker]

I'm guessing the men that seduced me at the time (I was then 8-10 years old) and did sexual things don't deserve kids either. I thought that was normal at the time.

[SnakeBoop]

"my violent past towards smaller kids"
yeah. you should be sterilised and not allowed near kids.

[Asker]

Would the same apply to the guys that did things to me? I was between ages 8-10 and they were my mother's many dates/boyfriend. Or that one that impregnant me; I had a miscarriage once when I was 2 months shy of my 11th b-day.

[SnakeBoop]

duh of course. you gender doesn't excuse you acting like a piece of shit to children

[Guardian45]

Honestly, I won't see you as eligible to be a fit mother unless your therapist signs off on this and you demonstrate your ability to handle this. What does your therapist say about this? Are you on medication?

You sound like you've made progress, but really a professional should be involved here, because your boyfriend is not enough to decide this.

[Asker]

I was recently deemed rehabilitated and ok. My medicine dose has decreased by now and it's no longer every day.
At the time, it was the environment that played a major role. At the time, I thought it was normal for a child to give consent to a couple grown men.

[Guardian45]

May I ask which med?

[Guardian45]

I think getting a pet is a good intermediate step. It will prove your ability to care.

[Guardian45]

A cat or dog?

[Guardian45]

Maybe a dog, because they're more childlike

[Guardian45]

They will love you unconditionally. The way you should love your child.

[Anonymous]

There is a focus on your past, but I think it is very telling that you happened to choose a potential father / partner that had a dysfunctional past, as opposed to being attracted to one that didn't. Also, medication is part of that troubled system that does not heal, it only treats symptoms. In order to understand why people hold doubt, you need to be able to place yourselves in their shoes. if you can't, then how will you understand what a child needs?

[Anonymous]

Because we average normal people don't know what is broken in someone that lets them hurt kids and we don't know if it can be fixed or how it can be fixed. He has no way to judge if you're still that person or not.

[Asker]

I was broken back then. It took me till the age of 15 to realize it all.

[Hangry06]

Why would you even be saying that stuff to potential suitors?

[Asker]

The first two bfs found out themselves. They accidentally stumbled into an old psychological record in my drawer with a full explanation. This time I simply wanted to be honest. He was straight forward with his past as a former drug addict, alcoholic and issues with stealing things so I was honest with mine.

[Asker]

I didn't want to start a relationship with a lie again.

[PuNishant]

The more you try and people will see it as a red flags.
Man don't like desparate women.

[Asker]

I'm not. Thing is he said that if I didn't have that violent past towards animals and children then he wouldn't have taken things slower. It's the violent past (even though I was a kid at the time) that he wants to really make sure there isn't any relapse in the future.

[Asker]

I've been rehabilitated completely. The former troubled child isn't my adult self anymore and hasn't been for the longest.

[PuNishant]

Did you told him about your past?
How about you adopt a dog and take care of it first. Show him you are ready.

[Asker]

He told me about his past of being a former drug addict and alcoholic. He told his dark secrets and expected the same from me, to be open so I did. I wanted to be honest this time and not withhold things for too long.
Good suggestion. I used to participate in an animal shelter before the pandemic.

[PuNishant]

I think it is he who is not ready to be a father.

[JLA557]

You’ve only been together 6 months that’s way too early to be thinking about kids give it time

[Asker]

I know but he said it that if it wasn't for my violent past towards animals and kids, he would've have been taking longer. He would've been ready to form a family by the 1st year but due to that past, he's taking things slower than usual.

[Asker]

even though I was a kid at the time

[Reijen]

Based on what you said, it is understandable if people are a little wary with entrusting you over the care of kids.

[Waldoe]

STOP sharing "Childhood Trauma" it is self destructive...

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t matter if this happened in your post you still hurt an innocent child and how does anyone not know that it won’t happen again I would never trust someone like yourself around a child ever

[Asker]

I believe that was my anger/hatred to everything done on me by adults. I reacted terrible. All I ever want is a 2nd chance and move on from this horrible past.

[Slayerrrrrrr]

Learn to keep your legs closed first missy

[NoMorePoliticsPlease]

You just answered your own question.