Boyfriend REFUSES to share any passwords with me, dealbreaker?

Question

We've been together for almost 12 months, and in that time I've mentioned us sharing passwords a few times, but he always comes back with a "no, I don't do that" and the other day I blew up and said he needs to prove to me he can be trusted and to share his passwords with me and he came back with that I need to show I can be trusted before he gives me passwords, if ever, what do I di?

Updates

+1 y

Wow, I Can't believe people are actually on his side.

so I asked him today to give me one good reason why and he said "Because I don't want to"

hahahmm · Accepted Answer

I don't think he's cheating. A cheater would act like you're acting. They will delete all of their whoring messages and then show their phone to their boyfriend... and say, "I showed you my messages. Now show me yours." Cheaters don't leave this kind of thing to chance. So my take is that he doesn't trust you to be mature/reasonable about his messages. When you see a message he sent to a girl BEFORE he knew you, he thinks you'll flip out. Or if you see a message he sent when you dumped him for a week, you'll flip out even tho you have no right to. Same with that time he simply said, "hello to an old girlfriend" when you treated him horribly for a week & he was thinking about dumping you. You would look at all this stuff and forget about your part in it and flip out. He doesn't like it when you flip out over nothing so he's discovered a way to avoid that.

BUT let's say you're 100% sure that you never did anything wrong/shady or anything to make him think he shouldn't trust you. Then you still have to remember that 1.) you're not married, 2.) you're not engaged, 3.) you haven't even been with the guy for 3-4 years. At the 3-4 year area is when you really discover if your relationship is more serious than not serious. It's very easy to fake being serious for 2 years. Some people can fake much longer but it becomes less worth it as the chemicals of pure lust tend to weaken.

InventorofWarp · Accepted Answer

Honestly, no.
I'd be inclined to just show my SO random shit on my social networking sites or personal accounts if I deem it worth showing them or think she'd find it funny or whatever but, really? If she asked me for passwords I'd be pretty fucking concerned with where that leads next.
Do I have to check in when I'm out at the gym? What about when I'm just driving to the store to pick some stuff up? Do I suddenly need to show her EVERY single text I send and receive and unlock my phone for her to read it all?
I'm the kind of guy who's like a dog (Wolf) when it would come to my (fictional) SO and would just want to spend every waking minute with her in her beautiful presence and just hold her as much as I can... but I've also been single a long fucking time, leave my reddit the fuck alone unless I tag you in something, you are not a constant part of my online social imprint and don't need to be and leave me the FUCK alone when I hop on my motorcycle and take off for a day or two for some me time or when I take off hunting on an expedition for a few days. I could bring my woman fishing with me or hunting with me or take on my bike and I would greatly enjoy doing it in the future... but it just wouldn't really be the same tbh and these are things I typically enjoy doing alone same as getting my tattoos. It's kind of my solitary reflection time.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

That's his meta brain. It holds all his interests, queries, and yes, sometimes secrets. But that's how life is now. We all hold this in our pockets.
Don't force it. You might lose him over this.

But if he refuses ALL transparency, ever showing you anything, any account, any screen, any comment from a person... then sounds like he's up to some things and you don't have to stand for that either. You can break up with him over it if you want to. He wants you... and more. Just remember, you can't be the only person in his life all day, every day. Especially after a year. He knows you. Brains want more, always something to ping the brain again. People are addicted to picture browsing on the internet. It doesn't always equal cheating.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

It’s been 12 months. Has he done anything to break trust? If not, then I agree with him. I don’t give out my passwords either.

FTnWo · Answer

I don't think it it be a big deal if a spouse or lover wants to look at phone I mean I would let my wife look at my phone if she asked, I mean the government can look in on y'all anytime they want to and I don't hear anybody bitching about they're privacy on that, ... Edward Snowden risked his life telling the American people what is happening to us and nobody seemed to give a shit bit back on topic I asked my wife awhile back what was so fucking important on her phone that she can't look at me when I'm pissed off and talking and asked if I could see it and she said yeah after she 8s done texting and I watched her scroll up and down her conversations with another dude and then she changed her mind and said no because I'll smash her phone... she was definitely hiding shit in there and now I can't trust her... the sneaky fucker likes going through my phone when I am sleeping though... I can't stand them people either that are like always wanting guys to block or delete friends of the opposite gender but they themselves won't delete they're friends of the opposite sex... fucking hypocrisy is everywhere thee days.

Anonymous · Answer

Passwords for? Playing devil's advocate, everyone has a right to their privacy, and he wants his (doesn't mean he's hiding anything). Like would you give out yours to everyone you know? Not many people would/do. It defeats the purpose of having one. And there could be no "logical" reason for it, just the FEELING of having privacy and control over that (again, just a feeling and not necessarily because he's hiding anything). My advice, if you don't have any other reason NOT to trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt at this point. If you're relationship is good otherwise and he treats you right, I'd let this go for now. Give it more time. If you continue to make it an issue it could damage your relationship and even cause it to end... all for only your insecurities (possibly if nothing to hide). You're not even at the year mark yet, and while that is some time, it's also relatively short. I was dating someone for almost a year, my feelings grew and grew for her, assuming we were both on the same page, only for her to end the relationship when I shared them, but also ghost me! My point in sharing that is trust takes time to build, and for some, much longer than others. I thought I knew her well and turns out I didn't at all. I say give it more time and don't make it an issue.

TruthBringer · Answer

There are ways to tell whther he is trustworthy or not without him giving you passwords. He can easily use another account without you knowing or remove certain activities that would give away his disloyalty. In an way, if he has not shown you any signs then you should drop it. If couples decide to share their passwords, it should be out of free-will.

My girlfriend and I have access to each other's accounts not because we snoop around, but because there were times that we needed to login each other's accounts. I believe giving access to your partner's phone is necessary within a relationship on both trust bases as well as simplicity of being able to use their phone whenever it's more convenient. But never should one be forced.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

You would get dumped very fast.

a girlfriend trusts me or she does not.

there is zero chance she’s getting on my mobile devices.

Also getting access to a persons mobile and reading WhatsApp messages, really means you get zero context. One of our group I refer to as darling or sexy lover, a very big in joke that’s being going on about 10 years, oh and it’s a guy.

yeah anyone like how you are describing I would dump.

maybe if he asks for access to yours then asks every day ‘what where you doing, who did you talk to’ etc

LogicalGal123 · Answer

If he has nothing to hide. He will have NO problem giving it to u and vice versa. TRUST is one of the keys to a healthy relationship. However, the both of u don't need to go through each others personal belongings or argue over about passwords. It's not worth the time. My man and I don't go through each other's personal belongings. He gave me his password to his social media for me to help with games, I gave him my password to my hulu, emails and whatever. We both trust each other, and we both don't have the time to deal with nonsense.

Dragonpurple · Answer

Those that refuse to share, have something to hide.

I have had no issues with sharing passwords and everything as needed. Obviously I won't for things like personal bank accounts but for social media, sure... my phone I will even add her finger print along with the password.

Half the time I would hand her my phone while I am driving and say, hey can you check this for us.

He may not have anything to hide though but when someone is like this, there is usually something they do not want you to know about. Could be nothing big though, maybe some sexy chat with an ex or someone else... who knows, only he does.

Trust has to be EARNED not given and it does not sound like he has earned yours and possibly you may not have earned his.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

Some might say if he has nothing to hide he will share them with you but on the other hand trust is an amazing thing & by having access to all is password protected things it shows me you don’t trust him.

If your boyfriend gives up his passwords are you going to go snooping? YES!
If your boyfriend gives up his passwords are you going to stalk his contacts? YES!
If your boyfriend gives up his passwords are you going to view his banking info? YES!
If your boyfriend DOESN’T give up his passwords are you going to break up with him?

ohshee · Answer

When we are with somebody and we share everything together food sex socks underwear LOL cars toothbrush toothpaste who knows you know sometimes you just need something that you don't need to share and the password is one of those things everything else that he has is yours and vice versa but you need that little piece of Escape did nobody else can get into that world it's not that he's doing anything but he just wants a little bit of freedom you don't need to know everything that he does and he doesn't need to know everything you do I feel the same way you can have my bank account number you can have it all but not my password and I would go as far as to say even though he's not doing anything and he could prove it you still not going to give you that password to prove it and I wouldn't either sorry you need more confidence within yourself to believe just because you might do something doesn't mean that he would or vice versa

integrale77 · Answer

I'm at the same stage with my girlfriend I've selectively shared a few passwords like the swipe code for my phone, my password for my pc and the code for my home alarm.
They do give her the potential to get into other accounts via saved passwords but seeing as I have let her rummage through my phone for a good half hour and not had any unexpected bills I think I can trust her.

Before I gave her access I gave her the forwarning that as I've been single for a while there might be things on the phone/pc that might be unappealing to her.

Leonharted · Answer

I don't even know my own passwords. I use a generator, so they all look something like this:

RQ^hemY935b%*F9WGaH^dtG9e7y! yB9%rVfT9%#5Jq*2zE$k&J3R$ue6Mrz$5Ft&o8f#68^KcfcS%zx#Qh6QryN! iea^^cTzteX! BiG9m@2ih!6%H3KmKj*o#D4Yw6LH

My phone password is 25 digits long. I also use TOTP on literally everything I can, which is a 6 digit number that changes every 30 seconds. So, I guess I'd give you the password if you were my girlfriend and asked, but you wouldn't be able to do anything with them, if you could even remember them.

globetrotter22 · Answer

Yeah should be a dealbreaker FOR HIM.

Why do you want his passwords? You are a paranoid control freak. Do you realize this behavior will actually drive him to do exactly what you fear most?

His accounts are absolutely none of your business. None. You have a deep insecurity about this relationship and he’s not going to stay with you long if it keeps up.

loveslongnails · Answer

Here's the scenario I can imagine:
* He gives you every password
* You check out everything he has
* You find NOTHING wrong, or anything that indicates he can't be trusted 100%

ARE YOU SATISFIED? Did he PROVE himself to you?
You're satisfied for the moment, but did that change anything inside of you?
I doubt it, because you don't really trust him and you're insecure.

The next little thing that comes up will trigger you again.
You will even think to yourself " Hmm, now he's REALLY gonna cheat because I didn't find anything the first time, so now I have to wait and do it again, and again."

If you don't trust him, with provable reason, break up with him. But if the problem is really YOU, get a new boyfriend you can control who'll bend to your insecurities, OR don't get one at all till you fix it.

slatyb · Answer

You grow the fuck up and drop this ridiculous demand. Where did you get the idea that this is reasonable? Passwords are not meant to be shared. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have never shared passwords (except for Netflix, because Netflix is stupid)

Diodoro · Answer

Drop your controlling behavior or lose your man. That's really all there is to it.

Personally, if I'm your guy in this situation you would have gotten talked to about this behavior because you blew up on him over some bullshit for no damn reason.

That's your trust issues you have to deal with. He doesn't have to prove he can be trusted when he's done nothing wrong. So again.

Drop the controlling behavior. Or lose your man. Wouldn't hurt to grow up a bit

Aerissa_Jade · Answer

It is only a deal breaker if you want it to be. If that is important to you, then it sounds like it could be. If you want to cut it off and go looking again because he hasn't earned your trust yet, or you haven't earned his yet.

Totally up to you on what to do next.

FlutteringFeelings · Answer

What is the reason why you wants his passwords? Is your intuition telling you that he’s unfaithful and you want to confirm it by going through his phone? or is he secretive and never allows you to hold his phone and you’re curious what’s hidden.

I’m a believer on if there’s nothing to hide then nothing should be kept a secret. I wouldn’t agree on sharing every password but if one moment you want to go through his phone then I don’t see the issue.

JCrockett · Answer

He should break up with you, because you're crazy. It's stupid to share passwords. And it's a massive red flag for someone to insist on having that level of infiltration.

The exception is if it's something like Netflix or other subscription that you'd use on multiple devices, and you agree to make a special password just for sharing.

Literally no other passwords should be shared, at all. It's super weird to even ask.

RHK36 · Answer

It's called privacy. No matter how close people are they still have rights to a certain amount of privacy. Now if he's given you a reason to cause doubt then maybe have a real conversation about it or consider leaving. If you have trust issues in general from past relationships that's on you to sort out.

England4eva · Answer

I personally never share my password because i see it like a fingerprint. If you are worried about his online presence interacting with other females just ask him to show you around his social media when he’s next logged on. I’d be happy to do that for my SO but never would I share a password. It’s good practice for life.

MarkyyG123 · Answer

Do not be insecure like this, you can't stop someone from cheating on you and trying to control like this will not help you
He will cheat regardless of if you have his information or not, being in a relationship is trust, trust that he chose you and do the best you can, COMMUNICATE to him, talk to him and listen to him but do not try and question him over things like this - don't be disrespectful unless he's given you a pretty good reason to question it

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