Boyfriend "doesn't believe" in sharing passwords, what do I say to him?

[Anonymous]

been with boyfriend about 6 months now and it's going pretty well, I brought up the other day about sharing phone code and passwords and he said he will share his phone code but that's it, he "doesn't believe" in sharing passwords, and that people have a right to privacy, and this I don't agree with, once we've had sex, there are no longer any boundaries for us, but he's refusing to budge, do I break up with him, is he doing something wrong, or am I being pushy, I've always had passwords in relationships and regularly check their accounts to make sure they are faithyful.

[OlderAndWiser]

"I don't agree with" You don't need to agree wth him and he doesn't need to agree with you.

"once we've had sex, there are no longer any boundaries for us" Okay, if that is what's in your head, are you okay with him coming into the bathroom when you're taking a dump?

"he's refusing to budge," And that's his right.

"do I break up with him," Why are you asking us?

"is he doing something wrong," Maybe, but this does not prove anything.

"or am I being pushy," Definitely.

"I've always had passwords in relationships and regularly check their accounts to make sure they are faithful." So you don't trust him and you are insecure. Why do you have sex with a guy who you don't even trust? Have you EVER trusted a guy without him proving that he deserved your trust? Why did you get yourself into the postion where you are banging a guy even though you really don't trust him?

If I knew that you felt that way towards me, I wouldn't wait for you to make the move. I would break up with you.

[msc545]

Great answer. I think with this one you've outdone yourself in terms of nailing the whole problem very clearly.

[OlderAndWiser]

@msc545 I appreciate your kind words!

[SarahSizzle]

There is nothing I can add to this, this is the perfect answer! Your boyfriend is right, I'm married and don't know my husband's passwords and frankly I'm not interested!

[sunflower00]

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If that’s a dealbreaker for you then break up, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.


Everyone does have a right to privacy. Just because he wants privacy doesn’t mean he’s cheating. My boyfriend and I know each others passwords, not so we can check that the other is still being faithful but just for changing songs in the car or googling something etc.


You shouldn’t have to monitor your partners phone to check they aren’t cheating. Trust is a huge part of a relationship. Listen, I’ve been there! I used to be soooo insecure and checked my partner’s phone once when he wasn’t there and regretted it straight away. I was so insecure about my body that I was hurt when he watched porn/saved loads of photos of naked girls etc. I told him what I did and we worked through it, but it was messed up of me to do! He has the right to privacy, and it was my problem that I was insecure. I trust him fully and never ever feel the need to check his phone and never would now. It’s a basic respect thing…like, I don’t cheat or do anything weird with my phone but I wouldn’t like it if he was demanding all my passwords and demanding to search through my phone to check I wasn’t being unfaithful. It’s controlling af.


If he was being overly secretive and suspicious and refusing to ever show me things or let me see his phone like just sitting next to him etc. I’d be concerned tbh…but if he just doesn’t want to share his passwords that’s fine and normal

[AmyShadowhunter]

Okay, I think I hear what you're saying. And I also understand where a lot of the responses to your question are coming from. I do not think I'm able to give you an objective response, but I'll try.

What a lot of the others are saying when they talk about how "insecure" you are and how "you don't trust him but he must trust you", etc. is simply that. Typically, one would want access to the other spheres of their partner's life when they feel like they've "hit the jackpot" with their partners or like their partners are "out of their league". What most of your responders are trying to say is that. That you're not secure in your current relationship. If this is something you've required your previous partners to do, maybe you should sit down and try to figure out why you need them to share their passwords and whatnot. And be honest with yourself. Why, really why, do you need access to his socials?

I think each of us knows ourselves best. So the best person to answer your question would be you.
I hope you manage to figure out what's causing you to be "pushy" and that you are able to attend to it so that you can have a great relationship, with your partners and with yourself! Good luck!

[Lliam]

So, you don't trust him but he's supposed to trust you?

We live in a sick society where electronic devices can be used to spy on people. That wasn't even possible 20 years ago.
Who do you think you are, the NSA?

He agreed to share his phone password. You can look at his texts and contacts all you want. I wouldn't have even done that with someone like you.

The thing is, people use their devices for work, which may include information that is classified. People also have information and passwords for bank accounts and many other things that would be dangerous in someone else's hands.

What if a boyfriend and girlfriend broke up. Would one of them be vindictive and share information that would harm the other person?

You're acting like a narcissist who wants to keep your partner on a leash. I would consider your request to be a huge red flag. Insecure people are dangerous.

I wouldn't stay with someone who would even WANT to spy on me, monitor my personal correspondence, rummage through my personal effects, or secretly read my personal diary.

People have right to a certain amount of privacy.

Trust is an essential part of love. So is respect. You don't yet know what that means.

[Lliam]

I just had a thought. When the USA was founded, a national postal service was created. The only means of long distance communication was via "the mail". It was a federal crime to tamper with the mail.
It would have been unthinkable for a person to intercept another person's mail and read it or to insist on reading every letter a person wanted to send before they mailed it.

Reading someone else's correspondence was unthinkable.

[HollyK21]

All you’re doing is dragging your baggage from relationship to relationship and that’s not ok. No it’s not normal to be sharing passwords, because you shouldn’t have to regularly check if your man is cheating! Where is the trust? Why does he have to prove every other day that he’s not the man who broke your heart? You need to heal those wounds before letting loneliness stick you in a relationship you aren’t emotionally ready for yet.

[SarahSizzle]

Excellent reply, hope this helps the OP

[MzAsh]

Im with him on this one. A relationship should always have certain boundaries and you’re pushing his. You shouldn’t have to keep peeking into his account to make sure he’s faithful. You should trust him without doing that. What reasons do you have to not trust him?

[Aerissa_Jade]

You should move on, because this is merely the beginning, many more secrets are yet to come. Passwords are fairly minor and men will claim they need privacy from someone they are in love with.

He may not be doing anything wrong, but he wants the option to be able to. He is keeping his options open and can easily and secretly cheat by keeping secrets from you.

Even if he never cheats, more secrets will come in other aspects.

He has no intention of being open with you in all things, time to move on and be done.

In the future, make them be open before having sex. I add his fingerprint to my phone and expect him to do the same.

I've been cheated on too many times to blindly trust and will never do that again.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm afraid you're just wrong about this. You have zero right to his password. You need to change. He won't. He shouldn't. I calls 'em as I sees 'em. And you're just dead-wrong on this one. Sorry.

[coachTanthony]

Well boyfriends shouldn't have to share passwords. If you are married then maybe but that is still a stretch.

[AviatorTom]

I agree with him. There are privacy boundaries that each individual sets, and you must accept them. Just because you've had sex doesn't mean everything between you two is an open book.

[Guy13]

Say, "okay, come here"... open up your email and show him and make him do the same... one by one. Demand it... no issue if nothing to hide.

[Wade12345]

No, Guy. Being in a relationship doesn't make you into the "Thought Police" over the other person. That's BS.

[Avicenna]

I think you have to respect that if he doesn't want to

[Phoenix98]

Who cares? He's an individual as are you you don't need to swap passwords for all your stuff.

Even if I was in a serious relationship I still wouldn't give my SO my passwords to my computer because I value my privacy and hate it when people snoop around in my stuff. And I'd give her that same respect.

What your doing is being pushy and breeding insecurity in your own mind because now you think that if he refuses well then he must be cheating on me or fooling around or hiding something.

It's also a blatant sign of mistrust because every time you make him show you that he isn't cheating your showing him every time the mistrust you have in him.

It's horrible behavior that stems from your personal and emotional baggage from previous relationships and it has no place in your current one it's toxic, controlling and breeds insecurity and mistrust. And you have no right to demand he submit to being treated like a prisoner waiting for his daily cell inspection to make sure there's no contraband.

Just FYI all relationships and even marriages need boundaries

[D_Bone_Steak]

How long have you been in this relationship? What did he do that calls for this type of shit? (or what did Chad Thundercock before him do that gives the reasons?)

This just sounds like you're pushing relationship standards that are usually held by a woman that's been cheated on and is trying to put the man on lockdown and surveillance for cheating... but did he? was it someone else that gave you that mentality?

I mean were you a virgin and you're dragging this baggage into your relationship from watching your Mom get cheated on or something? I need more context. Why would you even want to bother?

You should probably hold out on trying the relationship stuff... you're still young, but you're already acting like a 45 year old single mother of 3 kids (all will different dads), and don't trust a dude if he takes too long to get home from buying you some milk. If there is legit issues you have with him... maybe I'll buy it... but you sound deranged... just keeping it real.

[EmyyWolf]

Say that you don’t believe in sharing bodies with someone who isn’t open with you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Easy. You can catch HPV from a cheater and even be fatal to you as a woman.

Clearly this guy wants to hide shT from you. Even if he gives you a password. He can go buy a second phone. I’ve seen it happen over and over. Or they get one of those FAKE PHONE NUMBER APPS, and quickly delete it from his phone. They can easily get KIK or TEXTME apps and have a burner phone number.

.

Right now he’s admitted to not wanting to be faithful to you. It’s time to go. he's admitted it. 🖕 He’s said it to your face!

If he’s gonna be your man, if he’s gonna be your husband, your family; he should also have locations open in case of emergency. This person is meant to become your future family. A family protects eachother. You SHOULD have eachother location open 24/7 in iPhone and Snapchat if you have that. 🤦🏻‍♀️

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 RED FLAG!!!

[Jdjfjcjj]

"""

He "doesn't believe" in sharing passwords, and that people have a right to privacy

"""

Yes, people have this right, but it doesn't answer the question to why he doesn't want to share. So he is choosing to dodge answering the question to why he is declining which isn't going to be received well.

As for you, your reasoning for wanting him to share because of past men cheating, isn't completely fair either. You are making him have to deal with conditions simply because of other mens mistakes, even if may not have done or isn't currently doing himself.

So neither your request, nor his response is coming from the best place.

You mentioned you've been together 6 months and that this request came up because you believe after sex, there shouldn't be boundaries. If this is a condition you expected, you ought to have made clear prior in my opinion.

In my experience, passwords have tended to be freely offered in the relationships that has built a higher level of mutual trust and understanding for the each other

[Anonymous]

While you may feel comfortable sharing passwords as a way to build trust and openness in your relationship, your boyfriend may not feel the same way. It is important to have a respectful conversation about your differing views and come to a compromise that you are both comfortable with. If you feel strongly that sharing passwords is important for you in a relationship and your boyfriend is unwilling to compromise, it may be a sign that you are not compatible in this area. However, it is important to approach the conversation with an open mind and be willing to listen to your boyfriend's perspective as well. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide what is important for you in a relationship and whether this is a dealbreaker for you.

Here are some examples of what you could say to your boyfriend to express your concerns and open up a dialogue such as:

- "I understand that privacy is important to you, but I believe that sharing passwords can help build trust and openness in a relationship. Can we discuss your comfort level with sharing passwords and come up with a compromise that works for both of us?"

- "I'm concerned that not sharing passwords could create a sense of secrecy or mistrust in our relationship. Can we have an open and honest conversation about why you don't feel comfortable sharing passwords and see if we can find a solution that works for both of us?"

- "I value honesty and openness in a relationship, and I believe that sharing passwords can help build that kind of trust. Can we talk about our differing views on this topic and try to find a way to move forward that works for both of us?"

Remember that it is important to approach the conversation with respect and openness to your boyfriend's perspective. It is important to listen to each other and find a compromise that works for both of you.

[AmyShadowhunter]

I love this response! Thank you for that! You're being respectful to the asker and where they're coming from, but also suggesting healthier mechanisms that are objective and not fuelled by emotions.
It's the kind of answer you'd get from a therapist. Great answer, mate! Wishing you the very best and a great relationship!

[msc545]

That is all fine and well and it would work very well if there was any granularity in this but there isn't. Sharing or not sharing passwords is a binary issue you either share them or you don't. There is no in between here and your proposed response suggests that there actually is an in between and I don't see it that at all.

[AmyShadowhunter]

@msc545 I don't think that's accurate. There's always the route of a compromise. Maybe the asker's boyfriend thought he's already given in a little by offering up his phone's passcode... It's kind of like that. There's always room for compromise. Maybe, in this context, she could ask him to show her his socials so she can satisfy whatever thought is plaguing her brain about his loyalty and the likes. She doesn't get passwords, but she is, with his supervision, able to see what he's upto on his personal account. If you're willing to, you can compromise ╮⁠(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠╭

[msc545]

@AmyShadowhunter Yes, and then he will be forever showing her things that she keeps asking for. It will never stop if he does what you are suggesting because it does not address the underlying issue of her anxiety that he MIGHT be cheating. She will think "he only shows me stuff that he is not worried about" and of course, it is impossible for him to refute that.

Sorry, I do not see this as a viable solution.

[AmyShadowhunter]

That's what we're talking about, mate. I wasn't clear, I apologise. The "solution" we're suggesting is not exactly compromise. It's communication. She communicates why she feels the need to see his socials and he communicates why he won't do that. They communicate their thoughts and feelings and come to an agreement that addresses both of their desires

[msc545]

@AmyShadowhunter ok. what would that hypothetical agreement between them be like?

[AmyShadowhunter]

I don't know, @msc545. I don't think anyone does. There's no possibility of my ever knowing. Because the two of them are their own person with their own thoughts and feelings. This situation is not just some question on an app. It's someone's actually life. The only persons' who can work it out, is them. So, you're question about the "hypothetical agreement between them" simply does not exist, at least, not for me. It'll only exist when they sit down and openly talk about it, while being able to allow the other person to put in their own thoughts.

[msc545]

@AmyShadowhunter You are the one that is suggesting that they come up with an agreement that you are at a loss to describe. So am I.

Does that strike you as a problem? If you and I cannot describe it, how are they supposed to create it?

Is it possible that what you are suggesting is not possible for them?

I think that they can either break up, or she can forego getting his passwords and instead get some help for her anxiety. this is not ideal but it is at least doable.

[AmyShadowhunter]

Just because it is difficult doesn't make it impossible. Aren't relationships work in general? If you aren't willing to improve yourself, what you're putting on the table and/or your partner isn't willing to do the same, that's not a relationship at all, is it? It's just two people existing within a shared environment, much like all of mankind...
I'm saying that I cannot flat out say "blah blah blah, there you go. Your problem is solved. You're cured. The end.", because who they are, what they value, how versatile they are as individuals in a equal relationship, these are factors that play a role in the progression of their relationship. It cannot be replicated. I don't trust myself to be able to explain it any clearer, I'm afraid

[AmyShadowhunter]

Simply put, I'm not at a loss to describe the "agreement". I'm saying that I WILL NOT try to describe it. Because that's not my place. The only people who can and should do it, is going to be the actual parties involved (the asker and their partner)

[msc545]

@AmyShadowhunter ok. So then, just for the sake of our discussion, can you just imagine an agreement that would at least partially satisfy both of them? I am asking because I tried to do this prior to writing to you about it, and I came up with nothing at all that made sense to me. I may very well be missing something so I would appreciate your thinking on this.

[msc545]

@OlderAndWiser Can you chime in on this, please? We are stuck.

[AmyShadowhunter]

@msc545 I cannot, even for the sake of this discussion, "imagine an agreement that would at least partially satisfy both of them". This inability is a result of my not knowing anything about the two parties involved and therefore being unable to grasp what they value as individuals. That's why we're suggesting communication. They themselves may not be consciously aware of what they value and prioritise. That's what open, honest communication does. It's the the reason why therapists would suggest to talk about the events that have impacted you emotionally: by speaking out loud, with no filters, it forces your brain to look at things individually and assess their role in the totality.
Had this particular event been a (my) personal event, I may have been better equipped to offer a reasonable "agreement". But since it's not, I'm sorry to say that I will fail you

[msc545]

@AmyShadowhunter ok. Thank you for trying!

[AmyShadowhunter]

@msc545 Thanks for understanding and for the engagement! Have a great one~

[msc545]

@AmyShadowhunter 😊😊😊

[MrOracle]

I have never given a girlfriend my passwords and I've never even had one ask. The women I've been with have never had to question my fidelity towards them, because they know by the way I treat them and the time I spend with them that they are a top priority in my life.

If your man's behavior towards you doesn't tell you that you are a top priority in his life, then you probably shouldn't be with him, and if it DOES tell you that you are one of his top priorities, then you have no need to get into his accounts.

If you have "trust issues" or other baggage, it is YOUR job to remain single and address those issues on your own time, so that you aren't bringing baggage from your previous relationships into the new one. It is absolutely unfair and unreasonable to make your current boyfriend pay for the sins of the men you choose to be with in the past. Note that I would tell a guy this exact same thing, because it applies equally to both sexes.

[Potteplante]

No, just no.

I will never betray other people's trust by letting a partner snoop through my phone due to their own insecurities and trust issues. Cut out a friend who let her spouse do so. She betrayed my trust and that isn't easily gained back.

I think you should break up with that poor man and fix your issues. But that's just me.

[burlen]

Geez! I’m sorry it’s not healthy way to lead a relationship. Everyone including you has a right to privacy regardless whether one is in a relationship or not.

I don’t think breaking up with him is the best solution. Everyone has different views on privacy and boundaries in relationships, and it’s important to respect each other’s choices.

Sharing passwords is not a requirement for trust or intimacy, and it can actually create more problems if you find something that you misinterpret or don’t like.

Checking his accounts regularly can also damage your relationship by making him feel insecure or controlled.

Instead of focusing on his passwords, try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and communicate openly with him about your needs and expectations.

[Capricornunicorn92]

Girl, he's giving you his phone code which I think speaks volumes because a lot of guys won't even do that. I think worrying about him not sharing his passwords with you is a bit much. He has a right to his privacy when it comes to passwords and you have his phone code meaning if he was going to cheat, he would not give you his phone code in my opinion.

Yes he can still cheat through emails and such but I feel it's highly unlikely when emails are connected to phones nowadays and you could easily see his emails through his phone.

[WindAtMyBack]

I 100% agree with him. You have NO right to his password. You shouldn't even be asking for it.

I also agree that he should have his privacy. It's his and it's sacrosanct.

"regularly check their accounts to make sure they are faithyful."

This kind of thinking is absolutely horrible. You shouldn't even be in a relationship if you think like that. Trust is a big part of a relationship, but you obviously have none.

[meetkitty123]

The issue is you. He is correct you're the unhealthy one in the relationship. And yes break up with him and fix your own insecurities before getting into another relationship. I was blown away by your entiled attitude as I read "that people have a right to privacy, and this I don't agree" well wake up! You're wrong!

Being in a relationship does not mean you own the person or that you can control them which is exactly what you are trying to do. Being with someone or having sex with them does not entitle you to become obsessive and possessive of them. Having a lover doesn't mean you and they are one and the same. You are individuals and each person needs their space quiet time and privacy.

[Sirenboobzilla]

Absolutely not. He is his own person same as you, and being romantically involved doesn't instantly give you a right to his personal stuff. You're his girlfriend, not his wife. He gave you his phone code and that there is a sign of trust from him. Instead of demanding everything, build from that. Otherwise you'll just continue putting your insecurities ahead of your feelings for him, eventually leave (or he leaves you) and you carry that nonsense to the next guy.