My husband and I got married when I was 19, he was 22. I was 20 when we had our baby and it was a traumatic experience. I still suffer from post traumatic stress from the whole experience along with the plethora of complications after. I couldn’t have sex without crying in pain for years afterwards, not to mention the postpartum depression so bad I was suicidal. Thankfully over just the past year I finally feel healed and while. I’m off my meds, sex doesn’t hurt anymore, and I finally feel comfortable in my body again… but my husband is asking me to go through that again. My husband has been talking about wanting a second child for the last 4 years and while I am not completely opposed to a second child I wanted to explore the option of adoption or possibly surrogacy and he is completely opposed to it. Am I selfish for not wanting to go through all of that trauma again?
Am I the asshole for wanting to go to couples counseling before having a second child?
I don’t see how it would make you an asshole, and you clearly have valid reservations. Ultimately no one else has a right to your body but you. If I might make an observation about the male experience of any kind of counseling or therapy or services even tangential to mental health though? In the era of psychology dominated by textbook of misandrist bias known as the DSM-V, it is extremely dangerous for men to enter into a situation where a life-shattering label or diagnosis or case report might be generated about them. When masculinity is pathologized as a disease, there is a lot of risk for very little potential gain, and no guarantees even of that. The juice simply isn’t worth the squeeze when you can talk like rational adults for free elsewhere. I don’t fault you for not having to think like this as it is not your lived experience, but for slightly less than half the human species it’s kind of a big deal. Please don’t be too hard on him for acting in self-defense. You are acting in self defense as well, after all.
Based on all the things you've talked about in the past in regards to this topic I think that counseling is for the best. But most men don't want to adopt and don't see it the same way. There is a pride factor is spreading the seed so to speak and expanding the bloodline. For me my girlfriend asked if we can't have kids then should we adopt. I told her I wasn't feeling it.
If they aren't my own I don't want em and would rather just do something else with my life. Kids are a huge financial investment, emotional too, and very very time consuming. And for me unless they're my own offspring I'm just not willing to deal with the headaches in the early years. Nor do I want the "finding my real dad" arc.
If I can't have kids my bloodline dies and I really really dread that since my family has a rich history with well documented records going way way back. Being the last makes me feel like my life is going to end in failure if I don't have kids. But if I can't I can't. I'll just travel the world with my wife and adopt dogs since I live dogs of she's not willing to do surrogacy I guess.
You are not selfish and your feelings are completely valid! You went through such a traumatic experience, and it lasted a while, and now that you’re finally feeling like yourself again he’s bringing up the idea of reliving all that. I can understand him wanting another child, but he should also respect your wishes, and after all you are the one who would need to go through the pregnancy and birth, not him, so he probably does not understand how bad it was or doesn’t respect your opinions very much.
Your husband is being insensitive to the trauma you went through and your fear of going through it again. I would never pressure my wife to go through that again. She's my life partner, my best friend, my top priority. If she was pregnant and it came to a choice between saving her live or the baby's, I'd choose her without question.
Far from being an ass hole, you have very valid reasons for not wanting to go through childbirth again. And I admire you for doing everything possible to keep your relationship intact.
When my wife were engaged, she asked me if I'd be willing to attend couple's counseling just so we could learn more about each other to be sure we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I had never seen a counselor but I figured what the heck, why not. As it turned out, it was really interesting. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other.
Over the years after we were married, she has enrolled us in counseling a couple other times with my agreement. It wasn't because we were having marriage issues, but just to keep our relationship happy and healthy.
One thing that counseling taught us was really good communication skills. We also learned how committed we are to each other.
Counseling can be quite uncomfortable at times because you are sometimes forced to dig deep and look at yourself, your past, your attitudes and preconceptions. But I found it valuable and interesting.
Counseling may or may not resolve the problem you and your husband are facing, but at least it will clarify your fears and his motives, and you'll have a clear understanding of where each other are coming from. You'll be able to see if there is any flexibility or if you are at an impasse.
I would day you aren't selfish for wanting to explore other options and wanting to go to counseling. I believe both of you have valid points and stances to be had which should be expressed openly if you end up doing the counseling to allow for transparency.
If I was to look at it from your husband's perspective I would not want to adopt or look at surrogacy because if we adopt, it's not our biological kid and I want my own flesh and blood kids, not someone else's. Surrogacy is similar in the sense that we use someone else to carry the baby, but you aren't the one doing it like you did for our first one. It could be seen as a rejection of him and his child if you wish to do that as an option. He wants you to be the mother of his kid in full, not through second hand means.
Now I read about your story here with your first child. I believe you have just as much right to voice your stance on this. It is your body at the end of the day, not his. Postpartum depression, PTSD, and painful sex long after the pregnancy is understandable and reasonable as to why you personally don't want to do that again. Although to my understanding a lot of women go through bad first pregnancies and the next one is smoother.
Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want, but there definitely needs to be a middle ground somewhere. In terms of the relationship with you both being as young as you were when you got married and had your kid, was this relationship one based off of the pregnancy alone or did you two have plans to marry before the pregnancy? Do you see this as being a potential relationship killer for you both if you cannot find a compromise?
There's not going to BE a middle ground on this. He's opposed to either of the things SHE wants, and SHE doesn't want to get pregnant again. Stalemate. He's in the wrong here. Surrogacy still makes it their biological child, so his objection is irrational. His obstinance is going to lead to either a divorce or a lifetime of repressed anger towards him if she eventually acquiesces, so I believe.
@loveslongnails take it easy. All I did was voice where I saw this coming from and withheld saying who was wrong here because I didn't see either of them being wrong.
No, you're not, plain and simple. Your HUSBAND is the asshat who's being selfish. He's asking you to go through something that caused you to need medication to get out of depression and brought on thoughts of suicide. Exactly what "kind of man" asks someone he loves to do this? I think you know my answer.
This is headed no place good, I'm afraid. I've answered this question before but not regarding counseling. Still, it's the same thing. You're NOT selfish for declining to go through everything you did yet again. Not one bit. But if you end divorcing over this, it begs the question - how strong was your love to begin with?
It sounds to me that he's more interested in having 2 children no matter the cost than in keeping his marriage intact and raising one biological child in a stable, loving environment. He refuses to comprehend that adopting a child is one of the GREATEST acts of love you can offer. Instead, he wants to put you through HELL again, without regard to the dark places it took you, just to satisfy his fantasy of the "perfect family". Well guess what dude, it's not a perfect world. Your wife's sanity and health is FAR more important than your desire for a second biological child.
No, you're not selfish. You and your husband have different opinions about having kids, you have good reasons for your opinion, as I'm sure he has good reasons for his. Couples counseling might help you resolve that.
If you think that couples counseling will convince your husband to come over to your side, you might be surprised. My ex-wife (when we were married) went to counseling, and the majority of that counseling was dealing with compromise. It wouldn't surprise me to have a counselor suggest waiting 2 or 3 years to have kids, or at least revisit the question, as a compromise.
One key point in your favor... you are young. It's perfectly okay to have kids in your 30s., so maybe there's no reason to rush now.
First off, I commend you for exploring the options of adoption and surrogacy.
I must say it is *entirely* your choice to become pregnant and endure another labor. He is not the one whose body will be put through the ordeal. Thus ultimately the decision is yours.
I believe counseling could be profitable if anything to make it abundantly clear to your husband that the choice is yours to make about pregnancy and no one else's.
It seems to me adoption is a very reasonable solution.
No, I don't believe you are being selfish. Quite the opposite, really.
The selfish one is him, any way you slice it. He's not thinking of you. He's not considering your wants and needs. He's leaving that out of the equation. And what's gonna happen if you do decide to partake in another hellish pregnancy? Will he then want a third after that? Where will it end? And will that be the only time he'll try and force you to do something you don't wanna do? I don't think it will be. And he's likely gonna just act like a prick if you do get him to counseling sessions and be uncooperative. The long and the short of it is that good husbands don't ask their wives to suffer like that for any reason. Instead they strive to minimize their wives suffering if they can.
I truly hope that you guys can find a happy medium. Sorry that you had to go through so much pain. We have friends with adopted children and friends who went the surrogate mother route. There is no less love in those families than in any other loving family situation.
You're not an asshole for wanting to find common ground with your husband, because you both seem to want another child, but you simply don't want to deal with the trauma and health issues, which is completely reasonable and logical, and he should understand that (even though he has his own traumatic reasons for his position, as you mentioned in one of your previous questions). However if you and your husband can't eventually come to an agreement, you're probably not going to like my suggestion for your marriage going forward.
Listen to your body. It knows better than anyone else ever could. If your first pregnancy was that tough I couldn't imagine a second, in my family at least the psychological part of it all is more intense exponentially the more kids they have, don't know if that's for all women but damn. Adoption is s great option and surrogacy is good too if you need the kid to be your flesh and blood.
Husband needs to take a second outside of himself and try to walk in your shoes for a minute. He's got his eyes on the goal but is completely missing all the hazards on the way.
I really think it’s a good idea. Marriages end mostly because of either disagreements about money or disagreements about children. It sounds like your first pregnancy and after was pretty traumatic and you do need time to move on from it. I don’t understand after having you go through all that why he would want to go and immediately have another child. So I don’t think you’re the one being selfish but I do think your husband is putting another child ahead of your health and that is a major issue.
Man i can't imagine the kind of hell you must have gone through. You absolutely are NOT the asshole. He needs to understand your side of it. If i were in your situation i would want the same thing. And adoption or surrogacy is definitely a viable alternative.
Communication is obviously important in a relationship, whether it's about where to have dinner tomorrow night or... WHETHER TO BRING ANOTHER LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
What reason could he possible have for being against counseling, other than maybe financial?
If you don’t want to have a second child, that’s completely your choice. You’re the one who would have to carry it for 9 months then give birth and potentially re-traumatise yourself with the whole process again. Couples counselling sounds like a great idea for the two of you to work out this difference. It doesn’t make you an asshole AT ALL ❤️
It is not selfish as long as you are ok with letting your man have his desired child through intercourse with another woman. If you are not ok with this, then you need to reconsider your marriage, as you are now causing trauma to your husband as you are CAPABLE of having children, but CHOOSING not to. To prevent him from having another child to grow your family is going to drive a wedge in your marriage to the point of getting a divorce.
So it is your choice: A) You have another child with your husband. B) You let your husband have additional children through another woman. C) You divorce him, or wait for him to divorce you.
Honey, you're not at all selfish. HE is the one being selfish. You went through a lot and you'd likely do so again and might be worse or permanent, and he expects that of you. Won't even consider options that would save you from years of pain.
I would have ditched him for that. I can't fathom claiming to love your partner, but expect them to go through years more of suffering for my sensibilities
No not at all. He needs to understand that regardless of wanting more children you obviously went through a lot with your first so you have extremely valid concerns. I think counseling is a great idea and if you can afford it, surrogacy sounds like a fantastic alternative.
You’re not selfish, if anything your husband is selfish because he witnessed all the pain and complications you went through the last 4 years and he’s not willing to compromise so the second child would be a more enjoyable experience for you 🥴 if I knew a woman that I loved went through that much trauma, I would never dream of asking her to do it again for me.
You are fine for feeling the way you feel. I "get it" considering what you went through. Couple counseling is a great idea! I think more couples should go for counseling. In fact, I don't know how marriages survive without counseling.
Maybe you should consider a cesarean. I mean my cousin had the same issues with her first, but had two more cesarean babies. My current girl friend had to do it as well because she almost lost her baby, but the scares on hardly noticeable these days especially if its planed and not something that's done in a hurry under emergency situations.
I mean if you want to have kids and not go through child birth... just sounds like a possibility for you to consider that's all.
People usually assume counseling is a road to disaster , that the relationship will end and that is not the case at all , couples counseling isn’t there to to break couples apart , it’s there to make each other understand each other better , I use to think like your husband that if I need counseling the fix my relationship the relationship is already over and that is not true what so ever , it’s over when the other doesn’t want to go period
