If you have sex with your boyfriend, does it ruins the chance of him marrying you?

[Anonymous]

I've often heard the saying ''Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'' but how true is that?

If the saying is true, this has me confused. My parents had sex (right on the 2nd month) in their relationship and so did a couple other relatives but they still got married. If they didn't wait till marriage, how did the guy still married them? In comparing to now, it's like having sex even with a boyfriend ruins everything. He can be dating her for many years and wasting her years into nothing.

Yes

No

[caring__1]

As long as you're not rushing into sex, just having sex won't ruin any chance of a healthy partner marrying you. If it happens too quickly, guys can see you as easy and indiscriminate. Therefore, they won't see themselves as special but just one in a line of others.

I've never seen the value in being a virgin on your wedding day. That puts so much pressure on that wedding night, that it's likely to be a major disappointment. Also, who wants to marry someone, only to discover you're sexually incompatible? People are different. It's important to discover whether your differences mesh with each other. If it doesn't work, you'll spend the rest of your marriage thinking the grass is greener elsewhere or just feeling stuck in a miserable situation.

On the other hand, having sex or getting pregnant with the hopes of improving a dysfunctional relationship is dysfunctional in and of itself. Sex is the icing on the cake. You don't want a relationship where sex is the total cake. Before you have sex, make sure a quality relationship already exists. Acquire a deep understanding of each of you, including all high priority issues, along with the bonus extras. When people are single-focused (money, body part size, and other superficial aspects), they generally end up disappointed in the relationship, as no matter what they get, it could always be more.

Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to do what you're "supposed" to do. Trust your own instincts and decide based on what makes sense to you. Just don't let your emotions cloud your judgment. There's nothing wrong with seeking an impartial third party to help you see your situation more clearly before you jump to the next step. A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. If it's not enjoyable, you've chosen the wrong partner. Always prioritize both of you feeling safe, secure and special.

[Asker]

I don't know what to think anymore. My mind is going in puzzles to be honest. I only had 3 long-term relationships. The first two were sexual (I didn't give it up too soon... it was after 3-4 months) and the last one was non-sexual. With my 3rd relationship, I've tried the waiting method but it still led to a break-up after 5 months. I feel like I should've been born in the 1980's and that this is the wrong time.

[caring__1]

You're dealing with compatibility of partners rather than a sex issue. Had you changed your sex choices, the results would probably have been the same. It is challenging to find true compatibility in a partner. Most people are too self-centered, focusing on their own sense of entitlement, to be healthy partners. Had you been born in the 80s, you still would have been facing the same challenges. Take a hard look at where you seek your partners and what attracts you to them. Maybe changes in locations and/or what you seek in a partner might help you narrow down the right choice for you.

[Jabberjaw]

Double edged sword

I would never get into a relationship with a girl I've not slept with

I'd sleep with a girl and not marry her or get into a relationship 🤷‍♂️

For a lot of men, unless they are very religious you can't reasonably expect a relationship before sex. And if you really want to marry a guy you better be sleeping with him.

Some rare exceptions but it's usually because of religion. So if you want that then you need to find a guy in church or who has a deep faith he adheres to. Because no other guy of substance will do that really

[mandyfire98]

That is a terrible saying first of all when talking about looking for a relationship. Why but the cow when the milk is free? It's not about the sex it's about the relationship. If a guy sleeps with and then ditches you then he only wanted sex from you. If a guy is really in to you then he wants to spend time with you. The sex is just the bonus. If he is truly about you it doesn't matter if you have sex on the first date. It's you he likes not just a feeling in his penis.

[jennifer_bloom]

I think your chances of marriage are higher when you won’t have sex because guys who don’t want to marry you won’t date you but I avoid sex to feel closer to God and to avoid punishment and mental issues, not because I think it’s a good romantic strategy.

[Anonymous]

No. This is VERY COMMON misconception with women. They think that the timing of when they sleep with a guy affects whether he'll stay with her. This of course IS NOT true. It can affect the way he views her though. Because no self respecting woman gives it up right away.
This is one of those, "not every woman who sleeps with a guy right away is a whore. But all whores sleep with guys right away" things. Understand?
When a woman tries to sleep with a guy too early, rightly so it gives him pause about what type of woman she is.
So bottom line what I'm saying is if you sleep with a guy too early, you DIDN'T chase him away. Rather he was NEVER going to stay. anyhow.

[Screenwriter]

Everybody's different and there is no way to know. I think it's best to take some time before you hope into bed. There's no guarantees. You have to take an educated guess based on the person you're with and how you feel about having sex period and secondarily with them.

[Mr_Blonde]

in my opinion most men will not marry a woman who they have not had sex with, unless they were virgins and following some sort of religious practice. If the guy has no intention of marrying you in the first place, sex isn't going to make a difference but maybe keep him around longer than he would without getting sex. It may be possible that a man might marry a woman if the sex is incredible, which is stupid idea if that is the main reason he gets married. Great sex should only add to the relationship/marriage, not be the thing that holds it together.

[whirled_up_girl]

I think the best advice is what some commenters have already said to make sure there is a strong bond beforehand. I also think it's a good idea for both people to express their long-term goals. For example, some people want to start a family right away while others want to focus on a career for a while and start a family later. Then some people don't want kids at all, so knowing if the two of you are compatible for something long-term is the other half of the battle.

[DWornock]

It is not an either or. It depends on a number of factors. If you hop into bed on the first date, that tells him that you have ridden the carousel and you are just a hook-up girl. Therefore, you are not wife material so he is not likely to marry you. However, if you hold off for a few dates until after you have at least talked about marriage, he may view you as wife material and want to marry you regardless.

[Asker]

Ok so tell me what I'm doing wrong that I can't find a man that proposes; why do they just want to keep me as a girlfriend forever while other women that even have a wild past get married too:

1st relationship (from ages 18-23): I was a virgin and lost after 4 months into the relationship. It was a serious, long-term relationship and seem proposing. I moved in with him thinking and he made promises that we would have kids soon. Then he kept postponing things. After my 23rd b-day I got tired of waiting too much. I accidentally (by luck) overheard a conversation he had with a male friend. He told him that he loved me but just didn't want marriage but has to continue lying to me to keep me as his girlfriend. I break up afterwards. He wanted to keep me as an eternal girlfriend.

2nd relationship (ages 23-26): I started dating my 2nd boyfriend the following month after the break-up. We had sex slightly over 3 months into the relaitonship. Even though it was a sexual relationship, this time I didn't do the cohabitation thing. We lived separately and it was the same thing; a total waste of time too. No proposal after 3 years of dating... same lovebombing and him even telling me ''my beautiful wife, my love of my life''... bs, no marriage and still childless. I broke up.

My last relationship (age 26): I dated him two months after the break-up. This time I took a step further. I went for the ''no sex till marriage'' method. I don't care about the god nor religion part; I was sick of tired of being a man's eternal girlfriend. We would just spend quality time, hang out, watch movies, make-out and hug each other. Once again, everything seemed to be heading to the good direction, I was liked by his family and he told me kids is something he wanted too. But after 5 months, he breaks up, claiming to just not feel it and he can't wait anymore. Even though that was a short relationship, it sucks that I wasted my time again.

[Asker]

Now I'm 27, unmarried, childless and everything is failing. I'm family oriented, have a college degree, don't like clubbing nor partying, obviously don't have a sleeping around past, I do exercises, like reading books, cook good, etc. Lastly, I believe in staying married till old age. I'm a strong believe that only abuse and infidelity should be the only reasons for divorce. What is wrong with me that I can't find a husband? What am I doing WRONG?

[Asker]

I don't want to date forever. I want to settle down and have kids. I've been ready to be a mother for the longest. Someone else once told me it's because I'm not religious but I know two atheist women in the family... they got married too. That can't be the reason. I'm finding no single reason why I can't find a man that commits.

[DWornock]

Asker: That is just awful. It is awful because your peak desirability was ages 18 to 23 which were during your first relationship. After age 23, you desirability doesn’t drop much for the next several years. After that, the slope become steep and there is a substantial drop from age 27 to age 30. That is why it is awful. You don’t have a lot of time before your desirability has a significant drop. I am not certain that you have done anything wrong and I’ll address that in a bit.

It could be nothing more than the luck of the draw. A relation has perhaps a 50% chance of being successful. Like the flip of a coin, heads you win, tails you lose. Half the girls come up heads the first time. A quarter of the girls come up heads the second time and 1 girl in comes up heads the third time. There is a 6% chance of tails 4 times in row. However, when they lose the first three times, the 4th time is still 50/50. And, that makes it very discouraging.

Nevertheless, it could be things you are doing or failing to do plus other factors. It doesn’t help that many men have become aware that the laws the family courts are highly prejudice making marriage for men a risky endeavor.

Regardless, one thing you can do will greatly improve you prospects. Women can date up for sex while usually men date down for sex but men almost never marries down. However, knowing that men occasionally date down is the reason some women will chase after out of their league guys for years on the remote chance that they will be one of the lucky few. Furthermore, because girls can date up, they don’t want settle for less. That means they are dating men that don’t view them as marriage material because for marriage the men know or at least believe that they can do better.

[DWornock]

Now, you shouldn’t expect men to be upfront and honest about their intentions because they know you will leave and they don’t get what they want if you realize they have no intention for anything more that sex. However, knowing that is the way you can greatly improve your prospects. I am certain you have met men that you KNEW would marry you but they were not acceptable. And, sometimes only marginally not acceptable because you believe you deserve better or else you are involved with a guy that you deem better.

Therefore, I believe that is the key to your solution. Instead of seeking a guy where you think you are doing well, look for a guy you think is not quite as desirable that will think he is doing well. Most guys will get married if they can find a girl that is little out of their league. However, they are like you. They don’t want to settle for what is readily available if they believe they can do better.

[Asker]

I get it. This means basically I would have to sacrifice physical attraction towards someone I don't even love to get marry faster. I actually do know one guy that probably likely would've gotten marry to the first girl that dates him (I heard he's still a virgin at age 30 and it's not out of choice) is an engineer with a mild case of Asperger Syndrome, his conversations are awkward about buildings, galaxies and other complicated scientific topics and he can at times be repetitive. He isn't attractive either and he's a bit overweight.
While I would get married faster with him for sure, I would suffocate with the intimacy part, the conversation and everything. It would be like sleeping with a complete stranger. I guess that's the only solutions... that's sad.

[DWornock]

That is like going from an 8 to a 4. Maybe a 5, I will award him 1 extra point for being engineer. Social skills are not the reason engineers have substantial higher than average incomes. Therefore, mild case of Asperser Syndrome is not likely to have lowered his income. And, it not likely to be inheritable and passed on the he children. However, the looks would bother me as they are inheritable. Regardless, going from 8 to a 5 is too big of drop. Perhaps a tween would suffice or at least drop one level from an 8 to 7. If an 8 is possible a 7 will be easy and will not take much time. And, time you no longer have a lot of. In any event since you understand, you can make an adjustment or decide if that is something you are willing to do.

[Asker]

I think I'll give it a year and start dating again. If nothing happens, I'm going to go for the Asperger guy as last option. Things have become so complicated over the years. In the past girls fell in love with their bfs, had sex and they got married.

[DWornock]

You are not 18. You don't have time to wait a year. Go out Friday night and meet several guys. It is easy for women to meet guys. Choose one that seems promising and go have coffee and talk. If after talking, he is still a go, make a Saturday date. If not, go out Saturday night and repeat the process. You may have to do that a few more times but within a month you can be dating one or two guys. Just make sure they are more into you than your prior boyfriends and you can tell.

[Shamalien]

Girls made a trade. They can now have as much sex as they want with as many guys as they want, new one every night with tinder, for years they can do this

but to find a life partner is exceedingly difficult since men see how it is and don’t wanna hitch themselves to this “modern woman”. We see she is only good for sex. Now not all girls are like this, but this is the dominant cultural image

[Asker]

But what about the girls that don't sleep around, have a long-term boyfriend whom she obviously loved at the time, had sex, really thought the relationship would move forward and they would have kids but it never led to a proposal... instead they break up after years spent on nothing. What about that poor girl who really hoped for the best and wanted to marry him but he never had intentions of ever proposing; she finds that out a couple years later down the road...

[Asker]

Then after a failed long-term relationship, she thinks it's really bad luck and the same thing happens on her 2nd relationship. Then on the 3rd one, she changes the method to waiting till marriage and another break-up happens on the 5th month. So what is she doing wrong here? She doesn't sleep around.

[Shamalien]

I feel bad for her but she’s too old for me to be interested by that point. I’m 27 so I want 25 at the very oldest

[Asker]

So much for reminding me of my age. I'm your age right now. I'm going to start dating again and give it one more year.
If nothing happens next year, I'm going for this awkward, Asperger syndrome guy I know. According to others, that dude is capable of marrying the first available girl that gives him the time of the day. I'll get what I want through him even if it means not finding him attractive nor loving him.

[Shamalien]

Don’t be with someone you won’t love, that is cruel and selfish. It’s not all about what you want

[boggboss]

If the saying is true you are claiming to just be worth sex

[Asker]

The issue is that things are very confusing nowadays. There are too many women that end up being 30+ year-olds, childless and unmarried. Most have the same story of ending up in a long-term relationship (or several relationships) where they lived with the guy or lived separated, are together for the longest, had sex and it leads nowhere. She wants to have a family already and he's happy with an eternal girlfriend, eternal sex without commitment.

[boggboss]

So when dating ask questions work out what he is looking for

[Asker]

My mother and other women in the past didn't wait till marriage, they had sex with their bfs and the man still married them. There are cases of a couple bfs who also broke up with the woman because she was waiting, he got bored, they had nothing in common in other areas and he left. So it's confusing nowadays.
If we wait, the guy can get bored and leave. If we don't wait the guy can walk away too, string us along or it might be a success like my parents. Confusing...

[boggboss]

It was always a chance of a guy leaving even getting married don't mean much because u can just get a divorce the only thing that changed is that people are able to find availability easy these days so moving on is not hard

[Asker]

Yeah it's sad that you can get divorced so easily. I only believe in divorce if there is infidelity or abuse. I think anything else can be worked out.

[boggboss]

Thats done to the people I'm the marriage deciding that

[BarryLiverstone]

No but having sex before there is a strong bond isn’t advisable. It sounds like some of this is confusing. What’s been your experience to this point in past relationships?

[Asker]

I had had 3 long-term relationships (the first 2 were sexual and the last one was non-sexual) and all of them led to a break-up in the end, going nowhere, we shared some things in common but time was wasted for nothing. Then I tried the waiting method and after 5 months (still waiting), it led to a break-up too. Honestly, I'm at a point of nearly giving up on dating.

[Asker]

I don't know what to think anymore. It seems like this is the wrong era to be in, the wrong year, the wrong time, the wrong everything.

[BarryLiverstone]

First of all you are probably right. It does seem like back then the rules were more clear cut and these days progress has added a level of ambiguity. Does the girl chase the guy? Should we hook up from meeting online? Is she dating 3 people and sexting with side guys? Confusing.

You have had 3 relationships that lasted under 6 months. Lots of people have had more than that and hopefully in those relationships you have learned more about who you are and what you want. The reality is most relationships fail until people find someone that they gel with long term. So what where some things you liked and didn’t like in each relationship?

Sex is def an important part of dating but really it’s a bonus and the thing that keeps people together is the other connections and passions they share. Have you met a guy yet who you think could be your best friend, lover, enemy, teacher, and protector yet?

[Anonymous]

If you're only having sex with your boyfriend no it means more chance of him marrying you. I would never marry someone who doesn't want sex with me. She only becomes non marriage material if she did quantity over quality (sex with lots of boys instead of lots of sex with 1 boyfriend)

Have sex when you want, don't let other people make your life choices for you. Everybody has different rules

[LazerBean]

It might not ruin it, depending on the guy, but it certainly doesn't help it.

[Whatever2929292]

Well I don't have a boyfriend and never ever will so... There is that

[Anonymous]

If he was going to marry you, sex isn't a factor.

If he was never going to marry you, sex won't make him marry you.

[Asker]

3 failed relationships (2 sexual and the last one non-sexual) not leading towards marriage
If I have sex after 3-4 months into the relationship or decide to wait till marriage, it fails. I don't even like parties, never slept around (only had sex with those 2 long-term bfs) I'm family-oriented, have a college degree, work, cook well and have been long ready to be a mother. Instead I'm childless at age 27.
Frankly, I don't know what I'm doing wrong that I can't get a man to fully commit.

[Asker]

I'm starting to lose hope in the ''you'll find the right person'' mantra. Maybe some of us won't ever find the right person.

[Opinion Owner]

Like most people have said, it's not about sex. Most people don't find a spouse within their first three relationships either. You have some seriously weird thoughts on marriage.

[Twalli]

It's more like having sex before getting in a relationship. If you can get sex without getting in a relationship, then don't get in a relationship for it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe not completely; but it does lower the chances of it. Especially since men are starting to realize that marriage isn't a good idea for them. So if you are already having sex; what benefit does the guy get from marriage?

[The_Naughty_Guy]

That totally depends on the guy. So if you have sex with your boyfriend make sure that he doesn’t make a video or something

[Anonymous]

If you are a fuck buddy, then yes.

But as a long term girlfriend, no. Except that men today are seeing that marriage only benefits women and it is not in our best interest to even bother.

[Anonymous]

If you eat, will you starve? that's how your question sounds like.

[janatellya]

My grandpa told me "well you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it would ya"

[slatyb]

Refusing repeatedly may.

[Reesi]

I don't know I hope not

[clemdenim]

depends on the boy

[Asker]

I guess. Things are so more confusing nowadays. The mother told that waiting doesn't really guarantee a faster proposal either; the guy can still get bored, find nothing in common and leave. Then there is the risk of premarital sex; the guy can still leave afterwards or it's a success like my parents.

[clemdenim]

life is a game of chance, no matter how you play

[Asker]

True. Then again, before my parents dated (as 17 year-olds in their last year of HS)... my father already had a crush on her for 3 years and he was shy of asking her out. He took the chance in that final school year (if he didn't, they wouldn't have dated and I wouldn't have been born.. wow), she accepted and the rest is history. I guess it makes it easier if the guy already had attraction from way before and them having many things in common.

[clemdenim]

they both won

[zikooo]

It rarely happens