Doesn't want me to get ahead of myself yet?

[Anonymous]

After spending the night with my ex girlfriend and kissing her, she said today she doesn't want me to get ahead of myself yet, I asked what she meant exactly, said like getting the wrong idea.. and that for now we're just friends. She kept all my gifts that I got for her and kept my toothbrush that she gave me as mine to use at her place when we were together. Then said "that should make you feel good", "that I kept a little hope" (not 100% sure on those exact words on the little hope quote but it was close to that)... we talked briefly about boundaries, she said "let's just go with the vibes that day, we're both adults" but now I don't know what to do exactly or what's going through her mind or how she's feeling or anything like that

[Anonymous]

When people stall like that, I feel like she’s trying to leave the door open for someone else to enter, either potentially or she already has someone in mind. She wants her freedom, but to have you on the back burner in case the grass isn’t greener on the other side, and you don’t want that. You want someone who knows you’re the one without all that game playing and waiting around.

[Asker]

You're probably right. She does talk to a lot of people. She's cool with hanging out at least.. so I guess that's a start... is it possible she just wants to be friends for now because it's been 2 months between us and doesn't wanna rush it?

[Opinion Owner]

What I’ve learned over the years is that when it comes to dating or relationships, not to base current decisions on future potential/hopes/fantasies. Anything you make plans around now, should be because it is solidified going forward. For instance: you ARE getting married, you ARE moving in together, etc etc. What you’re doing now is settling and hoping. Settling for friendship, hoping she changes her mind in the future, etc, which I think is counterproductive and harmful, especially when there is no silver lining. Ask yourself this: if she got into a relationship tomorrow, how would you genuinely feel? My guess is not very good, and if that is the case then you should be honest with yourself about what you want, and make choices for the future based off that knowledge. If you don’t want her as a friend, you shouldn’t tell yourself that you do because “maybe” she will have a change of heart in the future. I say put more value on your presence in someone’s life, and don’t stand on the sidelines hoping to be someone’s first pick, especially when they easily are for you. Operating like that, she will never see your worth, or how much she would lose if she doesn’t stop bullshitting. All she sees now is a dude who is there no matter what the heck she does, and you should want more for yourself than that.

[Asker]

You're right. I am hoping she changes her mind about being friends and hopefully one day soon will want to date again.. I'm crazy about her, I love her. We always get along great, so I'm just hoping that with our connection and hopefully some sex (we've flirted a little with it) that it'll make her want to try again. Make her see how great we actually are together. I'd be beyond crushed if she started dating someone else. My heart would break in a million pieces. I want her as a friend for just now cuz I know we can't just go back to being together after being separated for this long. There's a lot of conversations that would need to happen before dating again is possible. I am always there for her, because I care about her so much and cuz I love her. That'll never change. Just hope one day she sees my worth

[Opinion Owner]

Trust me, I completely understand being that head over heels for someone. But having been in your shoes in the past is why I’m here telling you what I’m saying now, because I’ve been there, experienced the outcome and it just doesn’t go well. If she doesn’t see your value now, then she never will. You are setting the stage to be a safety net for her, which means she will only use you in desperate times of wanting affection or attention, but not commit. I know there is nothing I can say to make you steer to a different course, because you are committed to this decision to wait for her, and no ones can take that experience from you. You have to go through it yourself to get the outcome, so then you can truly understand. All I can really advice is to have the courage to put yourself first. I don't know what your life is like, or your self esteem or sense of self worth, but usually people like us who settle for these situations at one point or another have a hard time loving ourselves more than that person, and get caught up on the past happiness so much and the future we are fantasizing about that we completely ignore the current mess. But the past isn’t the present, you may never get that situation back, so basing decisions off that just isn’t the best. I know you love her dearly, but setting your sights on her will only make you miss potential with someone else. Even if you give another woman a chance, you’ll always compare them to her or not really give them your all because you still have hope for that relationship to possibly happen. Who knows maybe you’ll get back together, maybe it’ll be great or maybe it’ll suck and you’ll be mad you wasted this time. But at least decide to give someone a fair shot, should you meet another woman and she has fair potential. That’s the one thing I wish I did, and I missed out on a great guy waiting around on this dude for three years with no real commitment despite my love for him.

[Asker]

I understand what you're saying. It makes sense but you're right, I just can't let go. No matter what anyone says. I truly believe we can be great and have a life together. If I didn't truly believe that, I wouldn't be waiting like this. I've gone out twice with 2 different girls since the breakup, the first one I wasn't interested in after hanging out once but the 2nd one I was actually interested in but she ghosted me... with you being a girl, how long would you say it would take her to actually wanna try again if she eventually feels that way?

[Opinion Owner]

At least with the second one you were willing to try but she’s the one who ghosted, which I’m always sorry to hear, I feel like that’s just lame when people go that route. I know you have high hopes with your ex so of course I hope it works in your favor, but when you get a chance, maybe talk to her about this. My misstep at one point was getting upset over feeling strung along and misled, to which he told me he didn’t understand why I was hurt because we were friends and he did say at one point he wasn’t sure if he’d want to try again since he wanted freedom. So with your ex, while you have another endpoint in mind, she may just feel like you’re ok with what she’s doing and fine to be her friend when you’re genuinely not. Don’t be afraid to voice your opinion at some point (preferably sooner than later). As for what you asked about how long it would take, that’s hard for me to say because with any guy I wanted to be with I didn’t have them waiting around. I’m not just saying that, it’s just a genuine thing for me. I was raised to treat others how I’d want to be treated, and well-advised through my dating life by my mom. She’d always stress the importance of being mindful when it comes to other people’s feelings because I wouldn’t want to be treated like that.

[Asker]

We talked a little about boundaries and one thing I said was that I didn't wanna be treated like an option. She said 2 weeks ago she wasn't in a good place, she was crying and everything... my guess is that it had something to another guy, I could be wrong but that was my first thought, that something happened with a guy... when I saw her, said she can't be in a healthy relationship if she's can't be happy/love with herself... I know this is a fucked up situation but yet I still wanna be right by her side through everything

[Opinion Owner]

You giving me that insight does change my mind a bit about the situation. Before I was thinking that she was just one of those people who strings a perfectly good candidate along because they want to explore still and not be tied down — that was more of what I was dealing with, so I relayed your situation to that. But knowing that she’s struggling with her mental health, and she’s telling you this, it honestly makes it seem like you’re disregarding that in order to pursue your wants. Almost treating it as an obstacle. Don’t get me wrong, anything that she’s said to mislead you was wrong, but it’s not like she’s saying “one day we’ll be together” or “I’m dealing with xyz right now but I want you in the future”. She’s giving you what so many seek, and that’s closure with good reason behind it. Even though you’re saying you want to be there for her as a friend, you are doing this with the intent to have more in the future, knowing she doesn’t want that. Not only is that silly on your part, but it’s honestly kind of disrespectful. I genuinely don’t tell you any of this to guilt or upset you, I just know how serious those struggles are. When someone says they don’t seek love because they can’t love themselves, then trust you to be there as a friend, you have no idea how hurtful it is knowing that supportive person still wants to be with you, and not accept what you’ve said and instead ignore it. I don't know if you’re really understanding what I’m saying. But she’s asking you to respect her wishes dude.

[Asker]

She smart, she knows I wanna be with her.. of course I care about her mental health. I want her to be happy with herself. I'm not gonna pressure her into trying to date again anytime soon. I know that wouldn't be right. But eventually yes, I want the relationship. But I'm willing to wait for her. I have no idea if she'll wanna try again but all I can do is hangout with her and keep our connection alive. She said for now we're just friends, never said we'll never be together again or anything like that.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re saying she knows you want to be with her, but you’re offering her friendship and that’s what she believes is going on right now. In your mind it is friendship, but you’re wanting more, which is deceptive to her. I know you don’t agree, and this isn’t me attacking you, I also know you are unbudging and intend to stay where you’re at — I’m not trying to change your mind. I’m just giving outside perspective. Knowing where her head is at, I can’t respectfully say I hope things work out in the future as I did before, because I do think you are disregarding it in a big way with your hopes for the future. I guess I can just say I hope there’s a peaceful outcome and leave it at that.