I want to support and comfort my girlfriend, but she complains constantly and I can’t handle it?

[Anonymous]

Since we started dating a year ago, she nearly always has something going wrong. Health stuff, family/friend drama, anxiety, body image, work, etc. At the beginning she would apologize every time she would complain saying that people say she complains too much. I reassured her that it was fine not realizing just how constant it would become. She just has an incredibly pessimistic outlook on everything, to the point where I can count on one hand the amount of positive texts she has sent me in the last 3 months.

She has been severely sick with kidney stones for the last 3 months, and basically our entire relationship has turned into her saying she is in pain and me saying “I’m sorry”. We barely talk about anything else, she doesn’t have energy for anything, and the few times we have hung out she is basically moaning the whole time.

I obviously want to comfort her and support her, but this is killing me. I don’t know how to tell her to stop complaining so often about literally everything. I feel horrible because I know she doesn’t want this, but there just isn’t a relationship anymore. How do I tell her to stop complaining as much when she constantly has something going on? I don’t know how to respond to these texts and interactions with anything but support? I feel like I can’t tell her to stop complaining because that is just cruel when she is just looking for comfort.

[HollyK21]

I think the best thing to do is be straightforward. I absolutely understand not wanting to hurt her, and by the way you structured this post I can tell you’re very sincere about that. However it sounds like no matter how you say what’s on your mind, she won’t take it well, and one thing you can’t do is suffer in silence or stifle your voice because you fear her reaction. On top of that, you don’t want to bottle your emotions up to the extent that you blow up on her one day. So find your own way to let her know that the amount of complaining she does is driving a wedge between you two, and although you want to be supportive, you need some positivity and substance in your relationship again to make it work any longer.


My last advice would be that before you approach that conversation, have the resolve and courage to walk away if need be. You can love someone unconditionally, be supportive and all that, but this isn’t a movie and she isn’t on her death bed. I know she’s struggling with pain and personal issues, but there are people much worse off, suffering with ailments, family issues, poor living conditions, etc etc that still find quality of life. They actively decide to live the best they can while able bodied enough to do so. You, as a young healthy man, need her to have some of that fight so your relationship can have more to it than pessimism and complaining.


If she can’t dig herself out of that hole, then maybe being single for now would be the best, and she should consider professional assistance, so she can get real help healing and managing her struggles, to become the healthiest, happiest version of herself. That is the woman she should want to be as a girlfriend.

[LazerBean]

When you see red flags at the very beginning, don't ignore them. Pretty much your two options are you can pretentiously put up with her until she gets better so that it doesn't look like you're dumping her while she's ill, or you can just go ahead and dump her. Either way the relationship is never going to work.