Is it normal/ok for a partner to make rude comments, when do you draw the line?

Question

My current boyfriend of two years has always had a little habit of saying things without thinking but recently he made a couple of comments that were more personal, that I’m not a naturally caring person, I’m at the top of my priority list and he thinks I’m a taker not a giver.
I was in shock when he said this as it came out of the blue but we were talking about our future and I think he got a bit annoyed because I said he’s attached to his parents, we are both late 20’s and want to move out soon but he’s very close to his parents.

BUT at what point do you draw a line and say you’ve had enough of comments, I don’t want to date someone who puts me down like that, I’m not sure whether I want a future with him if it continues?

DaySpring · Accepted Answer

I love this question because it is actually what I've being thinking on lately.

I think @Jamie05rhs @melanieeeB @dustybiker @anon1903 all made great points. There is a lot to this question because it's actually 2 questions.

First, I want to start by saying pretty much all the commenters are correct...
At the end of reading my comment you'll have a solution that you can choose to implement. Also, @anon1903 gave you a wonderful solution.

1) No, a partner shouldn't be uncourteous toward you.
At least that's what I personally believe.
I believe us and our partners must act as a team. We must remain in harmony.
If there is a problem, we address it while remaining in harmony and if both are committed to the vision they shouldn't have much problem in solving it, in my opinion.

2) A Vision for the relationship would have prevented this (in my opinion)
and most things of this nature.
A joint vision is simply you and him sitting down and writing out exactly what you want to relationship to look like, feel like, all the details you can think of.
That way now you have a reason to be a team.
You have an objective, to progressively realize and maintain that vision
and also add to it if u wish.
Also, issues like this don't linger because you two already went through them in the vision. You both know what is expected of you.
You and him appear not to be on the same page right now... That's a vision issue. You're both operating from 2 separate visions.

3) I personally believe you should have boundaries in order to preserve the standard you choice to live by.
However, if you are not in harmony with the vision nor each other that is problematic. You see everything goes back to the vision and being in harmony with the vision.
I cannot really be in a relationship if me and my partner have two different visions... That will never work longterm.
We have to be on the same page about how we want our relationship to look like.

4) When do you draw the line? Asap.
I believe we all must live to a standard and say no to everything outside that standard. This what the great sports teams do. This is what the military does.
This is what the great companies do.
99% of the time I'm living from my standard and holding myself accountable to that. HOWEVER, you're talking about your teammate (partner).
I truly believe that the vision aspect is the issue in your relationship.
I highly recommend figuring that part thoroughly out before marriage.
-------------------------------------------------
Summary, I believe the lack of a definite, written out, joint vision is the problem in your relationship. I'd write it out.
Writing it out tells you really how definite the vision in your head actually is.
Plus it allows you both to create a joint vision and not 2 separate ones. It can even allow one to see that they are with the wrong person...

Last recommendation;
I recommend you both have a meeting every 2 weeks or so and discuss the vision. Discuss what you're both doing well at and discuss any problems.
Discuss and find solutions to those problems.
This meeting allows one to bring up issues that need to be addressed.
It also allows the couple to evaluate whether they are progressively realizing that vision on a daily basis. by the way the meeting is ideally suppose to have rules and structure.

I hope that helps

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

There is no when or where do you draw the line, because any line you draw will be invisible if you are not prepared to act on it. So don't draw any line, unless your at the point that your seriously ready to leave him.

From my experience self centered people come in two types, the ones that accuse everyone else of being self centered when its really just them. Or the ones that have a very unrealistic view of themselves, they have no clue that even when they claim to being something for someone else they are really doing it for themselves or they tend to make it about themselves more so then about the other person.

So who knows maybe you are self centered and maybe he is, or maybe you two really just want different thing and your just now figuring that out. but if you think you need to draw lines, then that means you better be ready to leave... because when you get to the piont of having say something like that... well its almost over anyway.

SEL195 · Accepted Answer

Yoh. This is a situation girl. I have heard that nasty comments from a partner comes from their insecurities. Maybe he thinks you are tooooo good for him. Maybee he is a narcissistic person. But personally. I was in a relationship like this and it broke me little by little. I want to be my partners best friend not enemy and fight unnecessary wars. I want a peaceful environment not one where I have to wait for the next attack and defend myself. My brother went through a similar situation and he changed as a person. So i would say if you can handel it stay just don't lose yourself in the process. I don't condone this but givee him a little of his own medicine but be careful because this mught turn you into someone you don't like. I too had a habit of making nasty comments of and to people and it took me many years to get out of the habit and i am still working on myself to be a better partner for my husband.

Rania05 · Accepted Answer

If he can't accept stating his flaws when you show you don't care by how randomly you said it, I don't he has this much patience to you.
It's up to you, because for me if my a partner doesn't realize his blunder himself and apologize I'd grow bitter and break up when he seems to be repeating the disrespect in the mistake that was a tongue slip at first by thinking I don't mind.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Some people get all pissy when they hear the truth. Is that you?

You know that saying "fake friends will tell you what you want to hear, but real friends will tell you what you need to hear, even if you don't like it" I ask you is that applying here?

If he's just talking shit to piss you off then yeah, you have the right to be annoyed. But you did consider the idea that maybe, just maybe, you're not a naturally caring person... more of a taker than a giver? That shouldn't be a thing that just pisses you off unless it's true and you refuse to accept it. But look... it has you ready to "have enough" and consider moving on.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall and find out if you're just pushing him to do shit he doesn't really want to do, just because you want to... just taking what you want.

AddylynnNightingale · Answer

I draw the line when my feelings are hurt. I won't get talked down on by anyone close to me. He can apologize and move on from comments like that or pack his stuff and leave. We're going to die in the end, time is precious and I have no room for this nonsense.

ohsheeT · Answer

You draw the line the very first time he does it because if you allow him to get away with it he's going to keep doing it and if he starts making rude comments that basically means the honeymoon is over he's going to start doing a lot of crap you really need to pay attention and think about what's going on because if you do not stop it now you're going to end up being heartbroken and walking away

TheVigilantOne · Answer

My ex would call me names and comment about my appearance she’d say it was a “joke” but I didn’t see it that way as calling me dopey and scraggy hair amongst other nasty things is a form of bullying and I did dump her because of that and other abusive things she did, you shouldn’t have to put up with that, if it makes you feel uncomfortable talk to him about how you’re feeling if he doesn’t stop well it’s up to you to leave him or not.

Thatnyguy87 · Answer

It doesn't sound like you have a very open mind... When i talk to my wife she may nit like what i have to say and vice versa but we communicate. Being able to see from another perspective is difficult but buly how defensive and dismissive you are of your boyfriend. That he is just wrong because you dont agree... Without knowing either of you he was probably being pretty honest and if he's still with you he is probably very patient waiting to see if YOU are ready to take the next step. And you should consider that before putting a time frame on life... Your age has nothing to do with your relationship. You really honestly shoud take a step back and look more objectivly at this... Instead of seeking his aproval you took a pretty honest answer dismissed it then sought answers from complete strangers... You dont want the truth you want to be right.

Anonymous · Answer

My ex was like this and trust me, the comments got worse with time. I ended up leaving him because he was not afraid to disrespect me with his commentary. He used to say he liked how soft and sweet I am and that his hard demeanor complimented it, but I disagreed. If it bothers you now, it’ll only get worse later on

Anonymous · Answer

Is he right? Or is he just bring defensive because you struck a nerve?

In any case.

This is the good time when you're nice to one another and before kids and 10 years have passed by.

If you can't handle the heat now, consider it a warning and move on. He's unlikely to get more careful with what he says and you don't seem to have a thick skin.

If I sound flippant, I don't mean to be. Seriously, I'm not sure this is a winning combination.

Emiliamazing · Answer

It sounds like if he has concerns about how you prioritize yourself and others, a mature discussion is needed, not childlike commentary. This is easier said than done.

I would not want to be treated like that at all, but sometimes people slip up. A good reminder might be "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Sometimes that's a good eye-opener, when there is no conversation because everyone has negative thoughts on their mind.

BJP21 · Answer

Quite simply, you call them out in a tactful and respectful manner. Under no circumstances is anyone to lose their temper.

What is he perceiving that maybe you don't see? Explain to him how hurtful it was for him to say that. If he's still attached to his parents he still has a bit of growing up to do. Sometimes his mouth runs a bit faster than his brain does.

Raaj4you · Answer

Small petty issues doesn't matter. You may get a good partner, but you will never get a perfect partner. Life is all about sacrifices, compromises and adjustments. Again, you may have some issues with a new partner. Are you going to change him again? Let's say you are married, you don't want to live with him anymore. You apply for divorce, your life will finish in court. Life is short, Enjoy it.

boggboss · Answer

First work out if he means it as to him that might be how he perceives u at which point he is not making mean comments but telling you what he thinks as for just comments I think that's somthing for u to both discuss me and my girl playfully insult eachother

MementoMori_ · Answer

It's rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful and toxic. I have a sibling who does this to me and if I could I would stay away from them. I would give him a warning a few times and if it doesn't stop break up.

AndrésC64 · Answer

Draw the line wherever you want. Tell them that that's where the line is and if they cross it again there will be consequences. Perhaps the breakup of the relationship. It all depends on how seriously you want to take it.

Guy13 · Answer

It is called Testing. Both women and men do it. And over a month will test it to see if you violate it. Testing can be an every two month thing after the first time.

Say what you mean and mean what you say ⁉️

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

He needs to put you first and you should be his number one priority. You don't have to deal with him or his parents that later will turn into monster in laws. Break up with this momma's boy. He is a man child.

Mediterraneansoul · Answer

He thinks before he speaks lol you feel then think. Both are pretty normal gender behaviours. The fact you think you're in the driver seat to draw a line validate his comment. You probably need to look in he mirror. Partnership is a dual agreement not a contract which by you happened to offer and he accepted. Perhaps the best peirce of advice I can give you here is humble yourself and be mature enough to listen to each other and communicate without feeling induced assumptions.

melanieeeB · Answer

I personally do it immediately, I don't allow people to talk poorly or mean to me.  A joke is something else but someone being disrespectful is nothing I would tolerate.

AsaKyo · Answer

I sympathize with your boyfriend because I'm also like that

Bethany22 · Answer

No, it's not normal. If you tell them to stop but they keep going, then they have control issues or don't want a serious relationship

dustybiker · Answer

People only do this if they have no idea how to communicate as an adult.

Is it normal/ok for a partner to make rude comments, when do you draw the line?

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