Why do men change their minds about marriage? Did I make the right decision to leave?

[Anonymous]

I just broke up with my boyfriend we have been together one year 4 months. He told me out of the blue he never wants to get married. We said I loves yous” really early in our committed relationship and we both agreed we wanted a serious relationship months ago together. But this is the first time I had any idea and I feel he was deceptive or changed his mind on marriage. I feel like throwing up inside. I have never loved any man this much in my life. Marriage is more important than a broken heart though.
My friends boyfriend said he also never wanted to marry but this year they started to look T rings. So what makes a man change his mind? I don’t want to invest two more years to be further disappointed. Please help. Also he said he never wants to loose his independence as a reason we live separate and he is 31 never married.

Updates

+1 y

I get the risk of losing assets but trust me I lend this guy money all the time, and he told me He does not want kids a while back and I’m okay with it. I feel it’s more about his overall selfish nature. I hope to look back on this with a better Patner in the future and not look back to this heartache. I also feel he hid this on purpose bc I remember things he said to me in the beginning that were deceitful and admitted later he was “trying to worm into your heart”. He wants love without the

[Anonymous]

Do you really want to marry somebody that you had to convince?

Personally, not a lot would change my mind on the subject of marriage as an institution. What I want is a civil partnership for tax purposes, and a monogamous relationship in which it is agreed that we will be together forever, but the expensive pageantry and ceremony and misogyny in marriage is enough to make my partner and I not want a formal traditional wedding. Is he opposed to monogamy in general? If so, break up now and save yourself the pain. If he has even an inkling that he doesn't want to commit to one person, then he's not suitable.

[Asker]

No he really believes in monogamy and is loyal but overall is selfish minded not wanting to do much for me (mechanically like help painting etc)
Part of the reason (of many) I thought we were on the same page is were both Catholic and I’m sure I’ve mentioned wanting to get married. Plus without the commitment he could leave in a fight, a marriage is a commitment. He already told me he did not want to have kids so that was not an issue I accept it.

[Opinion Owner]

Selfishness is a problem. If he's opting out of marriage because he can't actually prioritize a partner, then it sounds like the fundamental issue isn't marriage per se, it's that he's living in his own world where he's the main character. That's something that will show up whether you're married or not, so maybe it might be time to discuss counseling or asking him to put in the same amount of work that you do into the relationship. I really hope it works out, and I wish you the best.

[Asker]

You make some really solid points. I have begged him to go to therapy a couple times for other issues and he refused. I think he family dynamics are really dysfunctional and he has outbursts. Thank you for your kind well thought out comments 🙏🏽

[FilmGuy93]

A lot of it is that guys realize a very simple fact; marriage is a hugely risky proposition for men with very little upside/benefits.

It's not that the men think their women will screw them over, it's that they know that any woman could screw them over, and taking that risk at the point of like you're in doesn't really make a ton of logical sense.

[Asker]

I get what your saying but it’s risky for me that we could have an argument and he could just walk out marriage is a symbol of commitment. I don’t need his assets he borrows money from me all the time and he doesn’t want kids

[FilmGuy93]

I’m not sure what to tell you. Formalized commitments like that sometimes freak people like him out. FWIW; you aren’t being unreasonable for wanting marriage. You’re just dealing with someone who is extremely comfortable where he is and he doesn’t feel like he has any reason to change.

[Asker]

Thank you 🙏🏽

[Guy13]

Maybe he will come back after three months alone thinking ⁉️

[Anonymous]

Okay so let’s consider the following:

Point #1:

He said he wanted a serious relationship but didn’t want kids. He never explicitly said he wanted marriage. You just ASSUMED it would lead into that. However there were no guarantees. Sounds like there was limited earlier talk about marriage too. But when he mentioned “I never want to get married” you acted like he broke an unspoken promise to you despite him never saying it.

Point #2:

You are comparing yourself to your friend who is getting married hence you are more worried about your image. Marrying for “image” vs true love won’t likely lead to a successful long term marriage. You are motivated for the wrong reasons if you are constantly comparing yourself to your friends and family. This leads into…

Point #3:

Women statistically file for divorce more than twice as much a men. Is it because the husband turned out to be a deadbeat? Sometimes. But more often then not women have some sort of magical expectation about marriage. When it doesn’t work out the way they planned they get disgruntled quickly. Men also notoriously suffer more in divorces then women do. Especially if they were the breadwinner.

Now doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have an healthy hope to get married someday. But it sounds to me you are motivated for the wrong reasons. Even if your dream seemingly comes true it might not end well just because you want the IMAGE of everybody seeing you get married.

by the way I recently turned down a informal marriage proposal by a long time female friend despite wanting to get married myself (all my friends and family are married). It actually would of benefited me economically and it would of been nice to go around saying I’m married. Make feel like a “normal guy” at my age.

But despite that I am not in love with her and I know deep down it’s a bad idea. She even gave me permission to see other women if it happened but still I was never a cheater and sure as hell don’t want to be an adulterer. I respect her too but I know it’s a bad idea all considered.

[Asker]

It not about image it IS about love and tradition. And the symbol that marriage is that you promise to stick it out for good times and in bad. I can’t stand the idea of calling someone else my husband but marriage is a goal and I’ve walked away before when I could have married someone bc I never loved him and I TOLD HIM THAT SEVERAL TIMES. That I wanted to marry someone I was in love with.
I may have assumed he meant marriage you’re not wrong but that does not change the fact he concealed it from me. The times I brought up marriage he had every opportunity to tell me.

[Asker]

Also since you mentioned breadwinner he makes more money but does not handle his finances well AT ALL I have lent him hundreds of dollars many times (about 6-7x) in our relationship. I’m in better control of my money.

[Opinion Owner]

To a certain extent I know how you feel. I am 41. But a few years ago my career took off, I bought a house and had extra money. My younger siblings have been long married and have kids. Almost all my friends i grew up with got married. I was the only “single” person left. I get how alarm bell rings in your mid to late 30s. I also (semi) screwed up a good opportunity with a woman I dated in my early 30s. Really believed she was the one but i just met her at the wrong time. But after following her “progression” over the years I realized she would of been a big mistake. She has gone far FAR left politically. It would caused lots of problems in our relationship.

Any also thought I outgrown any lingering Peter Pan I had left in me. But your ex boyfriend is 31 and you are 38? Younger guys usually don’t date older women to get serious with them. He’s not a kid but it sounds like he’s still got some carefree in him. He might not be ready himself.

[Asker]

😂 it’s 2022 younger guys marry older woman all the time now I know three and nine of the women are well off

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah and my best friend has been dating a woman 12 years his senior for 10 years now. She too wants to get married but he doesn’t want to because although he loves her he very much dislikes her family.

But still though 31 is still youngish for some guys who want to tie the knot unless he is 100% sure which is he obviously wasn’t. If he was he would of likely brought it up first.

Yes to a certain extent I see how you think he is “selfish”. Maybe that’s part of it. But he’s also not ready for marriage and that was an unspoken condition you placed on him.

Also the fact that you so easily broke up with him makes me wonder how much you really loved him. It sounds like you made that decision rather quickly. I can understand why you did it but it sounds like you have zero regrets. You want someone on here to confirm you made the right decision.

Anyway this is not a black & white and right & wrong issue. It’s a mismatch problem. You ex boyfriend is not “wrong” for wanting a serious relationship yet not wanting to. Your not “wrong” for wanting to marry for love. You can blame him all you want but again it’s a mismatch problem. Sad outcome but no one really is culpable. Just shaming him to make yourself feel better isn’t going to solve the problem.

[Opinion Owner]

*yet not wanting to marry.

[Asker]

No he is not wrong I suppose context for the selfish context is necessary I’m a bit exhausted from my therapy session today but basically he has a lot of selfish habits. Sorry but I’m emotionally drained

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I you are disappointed and heartbroken. I get it.

[Opinion Owner]

Just a heads up @likelyok sometimes you got to accept criticism you do not want to hear if you want to make better choices moving forward.

[hahahmm]

So you let this guy bang you for 12 months in a non-serious relationship ("we both agreed we wanted a serious relationship months ago ") and then you're shocked to learn that he doesn't want to get married. What he's really saying is that YOU have not shown yourself to be wife material yet. Maybe acting like a casual friend for a year is part of that. You can't expect a guy to go from that to thinking you're his future wife in a few months. There would have to be time for you to prove you can be loyal & trustworthy on a deep level. You don't get that in a casual relationship.

[Asker]

We are not casual we have been officially boyfriend girlfriend for 1yr 4 months by label and he did directly he was “making a family with me” and that he was serious with me, he does not believe in marriage or is not willing to give up his personal space. I’m not stupid I have not been “banging this guy” it’s not been casual At all

[hahahmm]

Okay. Still the label "boyfriend & girlfriend" in and of itself is meaningless too. If he didn't give you a ring then he hasn't decided that you are wife material. Have you done anything that made him not trust you? That would be a problem. You could just ask him straight up, "why don't you want to get married?" Look for details. If he says there are these reasons/things you need to change then that would be a clear path to moving ahead. If he says "i don't know" then I would bail for sure.

[D_Bone_Steak]

The whole system is stacked against a male if he marries, cohabitation, or makes a baby. Not saying any of that is your fault, but it is a thing. He does one of those things and it doesn't matter if he's on the right side of any argument... you automatically win and can probably take half his shit if not all of it.

I actually can't say anything that would help you except finding a desperate guy that needs you for survival. Not a female's idea of the ideal man I know, but most men know and can repeat what I've just said. Any man that has any sense in him wouldn't just walk into that trap. Also you are almost as old as me... it might be time to give up on that dream. If I was suddenly single again, I wouldn't even think about taking all those risks on an older woman. I'd string her along for vagina, but I wouldn't have any real intentions for something long-term... unless I needed her financially for instance.

[Asker]

Your not single? With the way u talk about women

[D_Bone_Steak]

I was trying to avoid sounding like I'm talking about women. It's government and women are sort of just a tool for them. I'm not single by the way, but I found my tie before everything got so bad. I would like to point out that yes a woman benefits from the system, but I would ask why Daddy government gets a cut of child support. They literally do nothing but collect the check and disburse it. I wish both men and women would at least take a double take of what's going on there.

[D_Bone_Steak]

If I'm wrong though hold my feet to the fire. Like if your son was out there... would he be selfish for not wanting to involve himself in the whole mess? Especially if he's doing well for himself. Would you push him into all of that? Maybe the dude would like to just play video games instead.

[Asker]

I’m not looking to take half his stuff marriage is a symbol of sticking it out with someone in good times and bad. He does not want to have kids. Without marriage there is no way of knowing if someone is really willing to be with you for life.

[D_Bone_Steak]

The consequences though. Again, if your son had a chick badgering him for a legal document that makes him a hostage to her... You're still supportive of it? If so... exactly why? How is that going to help him?

[DoctorSex]

My life's goal is to be the best husband and father, but wouldn't be caught dead in a western marriage contract. Would you have been satisfied with a Traditional marriage in front of friends and family without the binding contract?

Kind regards,

DoctorSex

[Asker]

I would happily sign a prenup if that’s what you mean and this is about tradition we are both Catholics and I have said many times that it is important to me

[DoctorSex]

So why couldn't you have a Catholic marriage without the state involved?

[Asker]

They don’t do that

[Asker]

If they did and he would agree to it I would. It’s God’s witness that matters not the state and financial security

[DoctorSex]

Have you offered this option to him?

[Asker]

I would but I don’t know they do this in the us

[DoctorSex]

I believe it's called a commitment ceremony. It's very possible.

Traditional Catholic wedding services have such approval. As long as the couple can prove that these criteria have been satisfied it is open to the spouses to apply to court for a declaration that their marriage is legally valid
...
Sometimes a civil ceremony is followed by a religious ceremony. However, it is only the civil ceremony which is legally binding on the couple. For legal purposes, there are three different types of religious marriage ceremonies. If the correct procedure is not followed the marriage will not be valid.

[SkyCastle90]

This would be cute if you two were in your 20's, but in your 30's it's best to find someone already marriage minded.

[Vegasrunner]

@skycastle90 Unfortunately for a lot of women they have a hard time understanding and accepting the differences between men and women. In her 30's she is running out of time, while he will have options for the next 60 years if he takes care of himself. I just think women dont Realty grasp how little there is in it for a man to settle for one woman.

[Asker]

@Vegasrunner he’s not poly he is not trying to get with more women and either sex (although less optimal) can get married at 60. Especially since there are divorcées. If you think men look better at 50 you have either been around women who don’t age well or you delusional. 50 men look like 50 yr old men unless you have great genes or keneau. I am always told I look 26 bc I’m Mexican and have been blessed.

[Vegasrunner]

@likelyOK I've mentioned anything about him being poly so dont understand that anology. He's just a regular man and most men want multiple women, problem is only a few can pull it off. And no, unfortunately no one wants a 60 year old woman, especially when you have the opportunity to pull younger. Men and women are valued on two different things. Women Re valued for looks, so a 60 year old woman will be compared against a 20 year old woman. Men are valued for resources so a 60 year old man is valued against other men w/ resources. That why so many older celebrity men trade out their current girls for younger ones.

[Asker]

@Vegasrunner only a gold digger wants to marry someone 20 years plus older. You need to look around 2022 men do marry older women not a Huge gap but it definitely more common I know some

[Vegasrunner]

@likelyOK The "Gold Digger" comment is just a way to protect your ego. You have to degrade women, because to not do so would force you to accept the fact that it's more common for older men to be w/ younger women, than vicea versa, and women can't deal w/ double standards that don't benifit them. Whether it's 2022 or 1822, older men have always prefered younger women, which is why you can think of wayyyyyyyyy more instances of older men w/ younger women, than you can w/ younger men w/ older women. Taking it a step further, if a younger guy was dating an older women, it's not a women that he is likely to be w/ in public, because he understands that he would be looked down upon by his peers.

[LazerBean]

Yes you did the right thing. It sounds like he just was lying to you from the start.

[Asker]

You know the more I think about it I do feel he was deceitful and he was about other things in the very beginning as well.

[Anonymous]

'Marriage is more important than a broken heart though. '

And his independence is more important than losing all of his current / future assets, his children and his freedom.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y4Y8dB2tg8o

[Asker]

I lend him money I’m in better control of my finances. He is not really stable but he is weird about his alone time and is kind of weird about having the dog over even though he had a dog growing up.

[Opinion Owner]

Then it likely just comes down to his freedom. I don't think women realize just how much a man values his freedom because security is more important to them. Even if a woman is independent in the relationship, it's still not the same as freedom.

Concerning this comment:

'My friends boyfriend said he also never wanted to marry but this year they started to look at rings.'

He hasn't changed his mind about marriage at all, he's just allowed peer pressure and expectations to temporarily cloud his true belief. Once they are married, this could cause problems.

At least your boyfriend was honest. I know a woman that spent 7 years before discovering he would never marry...

[Asker]

Well the last part is true but for my friends sake I hope that is not the case I love her and want the best for her.

[dustybiker]

I would stop right there about the “changing his mind” thing. You should never change anyone. They will only resent you for it. If you no longer want the same things you are really just wasting your time.

[Asker]

He might not resent me but it honestly isn’t worth the risk, two years from now I would just feel more time wasted

[Raphaëlle]

Seems like you should have discussed this early in the relationship to find out what you both want from it. Your futures don't match and it can be a deal breaker in many relationships.

[bamesjond0069]

Smart men don't get married nor do they end up alone. All my bozo friends want to get married and can't get a girlfriend. I won't ever marry since I'm too well off and too smart to risk it on a bad financial decision and I always have a girlfriend if not two and ones begging me for marriage.

[misfittoy]

how was his reaction when you left, have you spoken since? maybe he changed his mind because he is scared. if you guys are that in love i dont think you are wasting anything

[Asker]

No i have not talked to him it was just this morning

[ThatOneGuy247]

Some men are scared because they don't know how to get to the 5th stage of a relationship and be in true love - having a strong balance and interplay of all of the 10 supporting pillars of a successful relationship. Therefore they can get cold feet or become doubtful. They can fear divorce. It's one of the biggest reasons why men don't get married.

This is made worse because some country's divorce laws favour women eg. America.

Hope this helps. Good luck with it all.

[ThatOneGuy247]

I suggest you find a man who's able to make you love him for life and have true marriage confidence. Good luck!

[Asker]

@ThatOneGuy247 thanks

[ThatOneGuy247]

All good. You got this!

[Steamnir]

You did the right thing, men tell women what they like to hear not what they want to do

[DermalPunch]

Yeah men lie like this to women all the time. Once they got you hooked they start backtracking.

[SunnyCaliGirl]

At least he told you what he wants for himself early on in the relationship, instead of finding out later

[Asker]

But he didn’t he never said it till now we have been together over a year almost a year and a half and we already agreed to be in “serious relationship” months ago like 6 months ago

[Iron_Man]

I don’t know but I’m not that way I don’t change my mind once I make a commitment

[Dreamclouds]

I kind of agree with him, it is better to be independent then stuck with someone for life, most people get bored after a few years anyway

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Same reason why women change their minds about not getting married.

[LimitedBenefits101]

Smart men dont get married.

[Asker]

Those men end up alone

[LimitedBenefits101]

as if every woman wants to get married lol beside better to be alone than lose your asset! marriage doesn't benefits men whatsoever.

[TroyDT2]

Marriage is too risky under current laws.

[18Uma21]

Just set him free

[ZenJen444]

He didn't like you