I just broke up with my boyfriend we have been together one year 4 months. He told me out of the blue he never wants to get married. We said I loves yous” really early in our committed relationship and we both agreed we wanted a serious relationship months ago together. But this is the first time I had any idea and I feel he was deceptive or changed his mind on marriage. I feel like throwing up inside. I have never loved any man this much in my life. Marriage is more important than a broken heart though.
My friends boyfriend said he also never wanted to marry but this year they started to look T rings. So what makes a man change his mind? I don’t want to invest two more years to be further disappointed. Please help. Also he said he never wants to loose his independence as a reason we live separate and he is 31 never married.
Do you really want to marry somebody that you had to convince?
Personally, not a lot would change my mind on the subject of marriage as an institution. What I want is a civil partnership for tax purposes, and a monogamous relationship in which it is agreed that we will be together forever, but the expensive pageantry and ceremony and misogyny in marriage is enough to make my partner and I not want a formal traditional wedding. Is he opposed to monogamy in general? If so, break up now and save yourself the pain. If he has even an inkling that he doesn't want to commit to one person, then he's not suitable.
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A lot of it is that guys realize a very simple fact; marriage is a hugely risky proposition for men with very little upside/benefits.
It's not that the men think their women will screw them over, it's that they know that any woman could screw them over, and taking that risk at the point of like you're in doesn't really make a ton of logical sense.
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Maybe he will come back after three months alone thinking ⁉️
Okay so let’s consider the following:
Point #1:
He said he wanted a serious relationship but didn’t want kids. He never explicitly said he wanted marriage. You just ASSUMED it would lead into that. However there were no guarantees. Sounds like there was limited earlier talk about marriage too. But when he mentioned “I never want to get married” you acted like he broke an unspoken promise to you despite him never saying it.
Point #2:
You are comparing yourself to your friend who is getting married hence you are more worried about your image. Marrying for “image” vs true love won’t likely lead to a successful long term marriage. You are motivated for the wrong reasons if you are constantly comparing yourself to your friends and family. This leads into…
Point #3:
Women statistically file for divorce more than twice as much a men. Is it because the husband turned out to be a deadbeat? Sometimes. But more often then not women have some sort of magical expectation about marriage. When it doesn’t work out the way they planned they get disgruntled quickly. Men also notoriously suffer more in divorces then women do. Especially if they were the breadwinner.
Now doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have an healthy hope to get married someday. But it sounds to me you are motivated for the wrong reasons. Even if your dream seemingly comes true it might not end well just because you want the IMAGE of everybody seeing you get married.
by the way I recently turned down a informal marriage proposal by a long time female friend despite wanting to get married myself (all my friends and family are married). It actually would of benefited me economically and it would of been nice to go around saying I’m married. Make feel like a “normal guy” at my age.
But despite that I am not in love with her and I know deep down it’s a bad idea. She even gave me permission to see other women if it happened but still I was never a cheater and sure as hell don’t want to be an adulterer. I respect her too but I know it’s a bad idea all considered.
So you let this guy bang you for 12 months in a non-serious relationship ("we both agreed we wanted a serious relationship months ago ") and then you're shocked to learn that he doesn't want to get married. What he's really saying is that YOU have not shown yourself to be wife material yet. Maybe acting like a casual friend for a year is part of that. You can't expect a guy to go from that to thinking you're his future wife in a few months. There would have to be time for you to prove you can be loyal & trustworthy on a deep level. You don't get that in a casual relationship.
The whole system is stacked against a male if he marries, cohabitation, or makes a baby. Not saying any of that is your fault, but it is a thing. He does one of those things and it doesn't matter if he's on the right side of any argument... you automatically win and can probably take half his shit if not all of it.
I actually can't say anything that would help you except finding a desperate guy that needs you for survival. Not a female's idea of the ideal man I know, but most men know and can repeat what I've just said. Any man that has any sense in him wouldn't just walk into that trap. Also you are almost as old as me... it might be time to give up on that dream. If I was suddenly single again, I wouldn't even think about taking all those risks on an older woman. I'd string her along for vagina, but I wouldn't have any real intentions for something long-term... unless I needed her financially for instance.
My life's goal is to be the best husband and father, but wouldn't be caught dead in a western marriage contract. Would you have been satisfied with a Traditional marriage in front of friends and family without the binding contract?
Kind regards,
DoctorSex
This would be cute if you two were in your 20's, but in your 30's it's best to find someone already marriage minded.
Yes you did the right thing. It sounds like he just was lying to you from the start.
'Marriage is more important than a broken heart though. '
And his independence is more important than losing all of his current / future assets, his children and his freedom.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y4Y8dB2tg8oI would stop right there about the “changing his mind” thing. You should never change anyone. They will only resent you for it. If you no longer want the same things you are really just wasting your time.
Seems like you should have discussed this early in the relationship to find out what you both want from it. Your futures don't match and it can be a deal breaker in many relationships.
Smart men don't get married nor do they end up alone. All my bozo friends want to get married and can't get a girlfriend. I won't ever marry since I'm too well off and too smart to risk it on a bad financial decision and I always have a girlfriend if not two and ones begging me for marriage.
how was his reaction when you left, have you spoken since? maybe he changed his mind because he is scared. if you guys are that in love i dont think you are wasting anything
You did the right thing, men tell women what they like to hear not what they want to do
Yeah men lie like this to women all the time. Once they got you hooked they start backtracking.
At least he told you what he wants for himself early on in the relationship, instead of finding out later
I don’t know but I’m not that way I don’t change my mind once I make a commitment
I kind of agree with him, it is better to be independent then stuck with someone for life, most people get bored after a few years anyway
Same reason why women change their minds about not getting married.
Smart men dont get married.
Marriage is too risky under current laws.
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