Does long distance dating (international) work at all?

Question

My girlfriend and I of almost 2 years live at almost complete opposite ends of the world. (her slovenia, me USA). It has been hell at home trying to save to go over and visit. My parents don't approve even though we are both adults, and they actually stopped me from going when I'd finally had enough saved the first time. How do I proceed with the relationship or do I just cut it off? We both love each other a lot and want to be there for each other, the feeling is mutual. She "wants to bother my a**" daily. And I always want to call her whenever I am free. She is full time college over there, while I am part time college and working 2 jobs. (hence why I am so busy most of the time) We both want degrees, and when I told her that we basically fucked an entire semester away with how much we were on the phone with each other and probably should focus on getting degrees first before meeting irl she seemed really really disappointed. Tickets over there cost about 2k, and I'd need another 5k plus travel insurance to visit her long term (talking like a month) if I did that. How in the hell am I supposed to come up with 7k+tax eventually? (ok will probably be 8-9k by the time I actually get to go. thanks biden.) How do I save for such a trip like that? We both want to meet each other IRL too, that feeling is mutual as well. We've sent each other small gifts (I outright told her that I would be sending her birthday gift with her Christmas gift to save money; we both are trying our best to cut corners and save wherever we can and she said that was ok with her)

Now additional details about me. I have a passport already, I got one last year. I am fully vaccinated (not like it fucking matters, but to the entry people it does still), and I have military family that have conducted a background check and have confirmed that she is who she says she is.

If any other questions please ask in comments as I am running out of space in the post content.

WindAtMyBack · Accepted Answer

There is no such thing as international dating. That is not dating, so don't fool yourself. Any real relationship MUST be in person. That's what it's all about.

Meeting someone online is fine. Meeting someone in another country is fine. But it must become local or it can't be a real relationship. It is nothing but wishful thinking otherwise.

The good thing is that you are making a real attempt to get together in person. That is an absolute must. It must be realistic also. Just talking about it doesn't count. Already having a passport is a plus also. Have you checked into it? Is a passport enough or do you need a visa?

Until you meet her and spend some time with her, you don't truly know her. You can get to know a lot about a person online, and in some ways even get to know them at a more personal level. But that is not the same as being with them in person. You might think you love each other, but if you get together in person it might not work out. You might even clash. Some of the biggest arguments in relationships are over little things that are unlikely to come up long distance. You are only seeing a part of this person, not the entire person. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

In the long run, one of you needs to move. It can't possibly work any other way. This involves a lot of legal stuff that you need to check into. One person can't move to another country just because they want to. Here in the US, you would need to sponsor her. That means you need to be able to support her on YOUR income alone. Her income and assets don't count.

With certain types of visas they will look at her circumstances at home. They will look at her job, her living arrangements, if she owns a home, etc. They will want to see strong ties to home. They don't want her to stay after the visa expires. They want her to have stronger ties and motivation to go home than to stay illegally.

I know this is a lot of negatives. I don't see anything wrong with falling for someone in another country. It can potentially be a great way to meet someone. But the Internet and ease of talking to people overseas tends to create a false view of what is involved. It makes the world seem small, when it's tremendously large, with a lot of hurdles that make moving around on a whim not attainable for most people.

You have to be realistic about it. That goes for normal local relationships also. It's not true that "love conquers all". There are a lot of practical considerations that must be addressed. Love alone is not enough.

You are barely able to save enough money to go visit the first time. What about beyond that? What about the move itself if it comes to that? What about supporting the two of you on your income alone?

Know what you are getting into. Put your heart on check and think rationally and realistically. You are smart enough to go to college, so you are smart enough to figure this out and make realistic plans. But to do that you have to push your emotions aside because they will warp your thinking.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

my relatives met... in person... but lived in diff countries. they are married now with kids. Anything can work.

but if you've never met, I don't trust any of those feelings because it's not real until you are in person.

It's easy to love someone on the other side of the planet. what's hard is being with them all the time and finding their human flaws and the reality, and liking and loving them and yourself. then that's really good when you work it out.

So back off a notch emotionally until it's real. The financial stuff is for you to solve...

bubblegunnn · Accepted Answer

Trust me it won't work if there's no meet up irl at all.
My ex is australian, we were really love each other, really want to meet up, he bought us couple bracelet and asked me to choose, and sent it to me, he said he want to visit me after covid pandemic cuz the airport border was closed, and i also could understand it.. and once pandemic was over in my country and let tourist in especially australian, i showed him the news.. sadly he can't make it cuz he was hectic with work and his dad won't let me even tho he traveled to other country alone before.. well yea its fine..

Even tho we were chatting every single days and video calls.. i still want more and it wasn't enough without see him irl, i wanna meet up to be more connected.. without seeing each other in person, i doubt ldr is gonna works.. its different just to see him on screen bro trust me. And day by day my feelings are slowly drifted away, we only lasted around 1,5 year and i broke him up.. nah it wasn't because of the 3rd person between us, its because i lost feeling u know.. it was just flat, unlike before. And always said "i love u too" before bed was cold and meaningless.. i felt like im lying to myself cuz i know i dont love him anymore yet still says it..

We even arranged and planned to do many things when he visit me, but lol.. it just a fantasy i guess. Not happened anyway.. so yea 1,5y without meeting..

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

We don’t know what your goals are?
In order for you guys to be together there is only 2 options that is you go and live in Slovenia with her or she comes to the US asap as she graduated university.
That’s the only way.
As for now you have to finish until she graduates university. There isn’t much you can do. Also try to visit her when you are able to save the money you need. Why this pressure? If you are so pressured it means that you aren’t sure maybe you want to find someone else etc. so think carefully.
Also not trying to protect my neighbors in Slovenia lol but women there tend to be loyal. Well as anywhere we can’t guarantee it there are bad women out there too but I have had many friends form Slovenia in my country ( located in the Balkan) and I can say they are good people. Women love families and are kind. THEREFORE I don’t know your future goals.. what do you want out of this? She might want marriage. To finish Uni and find a job in the US + marry you!!
If this is too much for you it’s ok to give up too.
Your happiness matters 🥺

Guy13 · Answer

LDR never works unless you know God is in it. It’s that simple. Internet feeds fantasy…

coachTanthony · Answer

Find someone who you can date IRL. Unless you have a shit ton of money it never works out.

Anonymous · Answer

It worked for us. We were together two years before going long distance (several hours away) for five years and then living in different countries for over 3 years. Sometimes visits 6 months or more apart. Then we were able to move in together. We just made 17 years and are spending another year apart this yearm. It is not easy, it is not fun, and it most certainly is exhausting. I have many friends who have tried and failed thinking it would be easy and discounting the hardships they would face. I believe the exact words were “you guys did it, it can’t be that bad “. Fuck them.

You have to believe that every day spent with them is better than a day without them. Even when you can’t answer when you will see them again.

You said you both want to meet in real life. I understand stand why your family stopped you. I know of a few people who got caught up internet scams and were making plans to go see some girl who didn’t exist. They would send gifts through certain websites. It was terrible. Additionally, older generations don’t really like the idea of meeting someone online, and they have preconceived notions that you won’t easily break through. For what it’s worth, my parents would have stopped me at that age too.

If you want to pursue this, I would suggest either you or her try to study abroad for a semester. Or maybe teach English in her country. Or that you find a cheaper vacation spot to meet up. Take quality time order quantity and savor it.

Good luck. I know it’s hard.

Anonymous · Answer

If both people are putting in the needed effort and are serious about it, I believe they can. If only one person is making any effort to go meet or you're with someone who is very physically needy, then it most likely will not work out.
I had an LDR a long time ago when I was 15 and the guy I was seeing was also 15. He had already bought the tickets to fly here and we had known each other for a year. Well.. I messed it up and ended up ghosting him because I was afraid to meet him even though he was willing.

Maybe_1day · Answer

I believe it works if both put in effort. I am still in a LDR for 3 years and I saw her twice this year. Now the plan is to bring her over. Until then, I don't see why it shouldn't work. It's about trust and dedication. Go and spend some time together than make your mind up. We've spent 20 days this time, and 15 days the other time. It just made us more closer to each other. But frustrations and arguments are unavoidable. Good luck

midnightmoon05 · Answer

most of the time - no.
few can work…must have money, time
you can have all the love, trust, dedication, loyalty, commitment

if you have no money or time. It will not work.
the worst…you have never met in real life.
Some can have these fantasy, once they meet in person … reality hit…often things end there.

My gag husband we met in person before we even thought that this is any dating site that we were going on a date…things happened and we are together…but took 5-6 yrs… to get to a good place.

my sister and her French husband… also took 2-3 years. They sacrificed plenty to make it work.

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

It's worked before, but it's a crapshoot. You may possibly have better odds of winning the lottery. I've been in three serious LDRs, one from China and two others from the Philippines.

The one is a bit too unstable to hold anything down, but I hope she finds happiness somehow anyway one day. The other two eventually found someone local. Given everything they and I were up against, I couldn't fault them. I wish them and their new husbands the best. They seem like trustworthy dudes so I feel my exes are in good hands. As long as they're both safe and happy, I won't sweat them too much.

It's the crazy one that worries me. If not me, who else can give her the haven she needs? Who else can even tolerate her?

Greedier · Answer

LDRs rarely work. Plus, girls will always be there but degrees won't.

I used to say that when loads of obstacles keep getting on the way of you from doing something, it's because it wasn't supposed to happen anyway. It's not meant to be.

Some things are just out of our control 🙂

LovingJo · Answer

In my experience, no!! I'm a very strong person, but it breaks you, if you can't see one another. If you're happy with no contract or uncertainty, then it may be OK. But I'm a very affectionate paerson, and need contact!! 💯❤️

exitseven · Answer

I was in a 4 year relationship with somebody that lived 1500 miles away. 3 of those years were long distance. It was basiclally 3 years of loneliness and feelings of mistrust and paranoia. I was miserable most of the time and it finally ended with a sad breakup over the phone when I decided that I wanted my life to go in a different direction,

CubsterShura · Answer

Why are we asking this question when it's not a mythical concept but reality for many people on earth? It has worked and is working for many people out there, so it works. Period.

Now, whether it is YOUR cup of tea or not us up to you.

anon1903 · Answer

It won't work out unless one of you guys is ready to relocate. You can find a new job there or she can transfer from her University to some place closer, otherwise you are just kidding yourselves.

I'd say, whenever you're ready, to relocate some other place. Maybe try a live in relationship? You'd need to break all your safes for that. But it'd be a good experience.

You should never give up a relationship without trying.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

You need to set boundaries. It's great that you both want to talk to each other, but you can't talk all the damn time. This is where you step up as a man and be the leader. Coordinate with her to plan a specific time each day when you will chat (no more than one hour maximum), and simply Do Not Contact one another AT ALL outside of that time.

You both need to finish school, or neither one of you is going anywhere.

Crankor · Answer

The most important thing is who if either is going to move where the other one is? That type of relationship is also quite risky during the college years. As far as saving up, if it's going to cost that much just for one trip, how many trips will you realistically be able to take over the next year or two? Is she saving to cone visit you ever?

DiegoO · Answer

As someone who did the same, years ago: I don't recommend long distance relationships at all. Of course, I am refering to nevermets relations.

I even made a bunch of MyTakes, related to it. If you are interested I can DM you, the MyTakes.

Dnice1 · Answer

I'm in one currently and we are about to hit 3 years. I believe they can work. Now they are a challenge but in the end they are worth it no matter how far the distance. Don't give up, have patience and you two will go far.

Fromdusktilldawn · Answer

No, I had some girls where I had a great connection and we could have been couples if they would live closer. But video chat and texting just dont do it. And since I'm still a student, always buying plane tickets would be too much

SantaClar99 · Answer

I was in a long-distance relationship. I was in the United States. He was living in Malaysia. It didn’t work out because we didn’t have enough money to settle in the United States together. If we both earned more money, there was a possibility that it would have worked out. In my opinion, long-distance doesn’t work, unless you both can eventually decide to live in the same city.

SpaceGalaxy · Answer

She will keep it going until you bring her to the US, shows you lots of love and affection, and once she gets her Green Card, Adios Amigo! She will fish for a better catch (in over 87% of cases reported within the past 10 years)

CA4444 · Answer

Well she may be your soul mate all you have to do is navigate those practical ‘details’ as long as you know you’ll meet at some point you can both wait right?

Does long distance dating (international) work at all?

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