How do I live more for myself? Is there something wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

To explain more after doing some reflection I have realized that most if not all of what I do is for others and not myself. When I am in a relationship I am always asking myself what she wants or how can I make her happy and this is a good quality to have but I realize I don't ask myself what I really want in fact I don't even think I know.

Even now I am working towards a better career by being in higher education again but the truth is I am doing it in the hopes I can become a husband and start a family. The idea of raising kids and coming home to my wife's smiling face just makes my heart swell so much. I feel that is a good goal but is that enough? I mean right now I am in my education to make others happy and I don't hate it but its not my dream end all passion. Is that normal?

If I told a girl I was in a relationship in that's the truth of why I do anything and truth is I don't need much or haven't thought about that too deeply would she think that's bizarre? If I said to me one career is not too different from another if I seek a better paying job or one that offers better benefits or both I do it with the intention of being able to support a family not really for myself.

Sorry if this is a confusing question but I guess I want to know if this is a normal outlook? And if it is a bit odd how do I live or do some things that are more for myself if that makes sense. Appreciate any input or thoughts on the matter!

[quaranta]

That can be ok depending on the girlfriend you'll meet. Problem is, a lot (a lot!) of womn have no really deep passion or initiative drive that constitute their "world", rather, their world is often made of bonds and taking care of them (partner, children, friends), or talks related to social matters (even in negative, finding alliance through common enemies) and securing the stability of what they have around. So, they might expect the guy to "guide" them somewhere, where they wouldn't even try, not directly but through involving them in his world of things that is usually bigger than theirs, with interests, passions, quirks and especially initiatives, with slightly "decisive" manners.
This is not true for all women but if you want to broaden your options you should work on being you the guide and the adventurer who brings news, decides where things go and influences for the most what is the right and the wrong through his preferences, not the nurturing figure (or not only, but it's hard to be both at the same time).

Oh the other side, you would match well with women who demand equality at home, and they are not so many as the ones who demand equality outside because one invisible problem under the roof is equality as career but complete inequality as house chores management. While most husbands would do the chores if asked to, they wouldn't manage them, which means they wouldn't automatically keep tabs and remember all the things that have to be done and with the right priorities, integrating them over and over with the next needs. This "management" job that relies on remembering a lot of things of very different nature, responsibility and mental elasticity, is often very overwhelming if the woman has also a job and most women who work are actually in this situation, which leads to burning out, anxiety and depression, because her role as a wife is actually extended to the role of a "mother" too (and nurse), for their clueless husband (no question why a very high amount of married women loses sex drive after a while).
If you are a nurturing figure instead, you would spontaneously take charge of the chores too, managing them and not just executing the requested ones, and about kids too, which constitute a huge overload.
A mature woman around your age who is aware of gender inequality at home (maybe with a failed marriage behind) might actually value your nurturing qualities, more than a random average girl, renouncing to some of the "leader & guidance" aspects she dreamed of in a guy in her 20s. But that aspect would be still attractive regardless, so I would advise to work on that too.
At the moment you are less attractive, less "charming", but rationally better relationship material for the long term. And women 30+ or with bad experiences might tend to select guys more out of rationality and not just out of random attraction, although attraction still matters.

One of the risks of your role is the same as the nurturing, responsible figure in a marriage, which is usually the woman: getting abused. Your tendency to take charge of their problems and needs has the same risk of women facing an abusive man who erodes them slowly yet makes them addicted by crumbles and trapped under responsibilities. This is something you should really really fight against and prepare yourself to spot the initial signs of that dynamic installing, perhaps noticing these possible traits from the first dates already. Being promoted as a slave is not the same as being promoted as a hero, yet both do things for the partner and get rewarded, but in different roles.

Lastly, let's not forget there are bold women who actually prefer spontaneously men who take the nurturing, "following" role in the couple and in the family, while they mind career, initiatives, and be the guidance. Very, very rare type (even more rare if they are straight and not lesbian) but you might meet one, because you never know, just I wouldn't count on that.

[Twalli]

Some people are happier the more they can make other people happy. In other words, they're empaths, they make other people feel better and by doing so, they feel better. When I was able to interact with people, face-to-face, I aimed to compliment at least 3 people every day. I achieved this about 75% of the time. I liked to make people happy because that made the day everyone who met them better and it snowballed. I originally did it to be less shy when talking, but I grew to like it.

[Guy13]

A sweet heart desiring to share love, both quantifiable and qualitatively, is a positive

Needy appearing without a Resume or Accomplishments is perceived Incel/Simp.

I think it is a confidence thing and once School and Career can be envisioned your insecurity to demand or meet your needs will diminish.

[aaron210419]

No, nothing is necessarily wrong with you. First learn to respect yourself, love will come after.