Why do women get so attached after sex and men detach?

Question

I understand that men and women are fundamentally just different. But women get so clingy. She’s should pretend not to care.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Most women (the exceptions mostly being women who have experienced trauma as a child) will bond with the man they have sex with - this is a biological occurrence, as sex causes her brain to release the hormone oxytocin, which is the "bonding hormone." This has an evolutionary purpose: she needed to convince the man to stay with her and to protect and provide for her, because sex typically led to pregnancy, and she would be physically vulnerable during the latter part of her pregnancy and for a while after giving birth, and needed to be taken care of.

It's also the case that this bonding tends to be the strongest with a woman's first partner, and that each partner afterwards will have a weaker bond, until eventually her ability to bond has been completely destroyed. A woman who has slept with 20 guys typically no longer has the ability to bond, or at best, her bond is very weak. This is one reason why casual sex is bad for women - it destroys their pair-bonding ability, and if their body count is still low enough, it causes them emotional pain when they bond and the man doesn't.

It's also why men value women with low body counts, and why men will happily sleep with a woman with a high body count, but will never commit to her. He knows she can't bond with him, and so committing to her is almost certainly going to go badly for him sooner or later. Not all men realize this, but to men who know, a woman with a high body count is only to be used for casual sex - commitments are for women with low body counts who can still pair-bond.

I know that sounds harsh, but this is simply men adapting to biology. And given that all women are born virgins, it's essentially their own choice whether to sleep around and lose their commitment value, or to keep their body count low and retain their commitment value. Men will still happily trade attention for sex with the high-body-count women (when he's single), but only the low-body-count women will get a commitment.

Remember that, biologically, men's mating strategy is to spread their seed, generating as many offspring as possible with as many different women as possible, because that will enhance genetic diversity and reduce the chances of all of his children dying from genetic weaknesses. Even if some die, others will survive. But, historically, he's only going to protect and provide for one (or at most, a few) of the women he's impregnated - the others are on their own.

Chazmatazz269 · Accepted Answer

Generally, men are biologically wired to spread their seed. Women are biologically wired to attach themselves to males who will protect them and their young at their collectively most vulnerable.
It shouldn’t take more than a few generations for that to change based on our current sociological values and systems.

VIVANT · Accepted Answer

Depends on the person not whether it’s a woman or man. There is a lot of unnecessary shame in attachment bc of the cultural pressure to be a narcissist. Consider the derogatory way you wrote this post?

Caring is positive energy and can be powerful when used for good. “clingy” is pathological. You could have just asked why sone people seem seem to care more than others, but the ide s that caring is what losers do is kind if entrenched except for the lucky few.

Thus, People lie. No wants to be seen as a loser. Guys are told women won’t f*ck them if they or they will leave them for a chad if they get “attached”— the most sensitive guys are not going to be honest.

You also don’t have enough of a sample size to determine “women” do this, but you believe it anyhow, bc even tho it posits you in a negative light, it’s a popular cultural trope used to slate women as not in control of themselves, which makes guys feel better about themselves and makes it easier for them to lie and get away with it.

Anyhow, whatever you are, woman or man, I think trying to change who you are is a terrible. It is also useless —you’ll just end up more of the thing you are running from bc it’s in your mind all the time.

Decide what you want abs don’t get mixed up with situations that will go against your goals.

If your feelings intensify after sex, don’t have casual sex. If you’re having to ‘pretend you don’t care’, you should I stop having sex with that person.

The only people who hate when people care are people who don’t want to care themselves. Don’t f*ck with those people then yo don’t have to worry about either you should be a liar or not…

Caring is not a “disease” it is an incredible capability we can do amazing things with it. Once we die we won’t be able to care at all. Being alive is caring is it’s a waste if a life to put energy into trying not to. Just don’t put it where it doesn’t belong.

BlueScorpio · Accepted Answer

No emotional connection. That's why women tend to be a little bit more cautious when sleeping with a man. But it really depends on the person, I had male coworker tell me he was used for sex and he was disappointed cause he actually liked the girl he was with.

Guy13 · Answer

The psychological research reality is, if he is a normal guy who has NOT been neurologically reconditioned by Porn, OF, Insta, body counting, narcotics (weed), and those kinds of things, then the more physical touch that is involved the more emotional the man becomes. The research is exactly opposite of your experience, therefore, there is something else in the background of which you are not aware.

Typically, a woman emotionally bombards guy with dissertation texts and/or endless texting that makes us pause and say, "doesn't she know I already have a Mom and I am not looking for a second nor do I need breathing GPS." The ONLY thing that balances endurance of above is physical touch. Sometimes, the Costs (#TooMuch) are not worth the physical benefit. This too can end in Emotionless sex.

Again to summarize in a formulaic manner: Women + Emotion Connection = Sex while

for Men the inverse is true where Man + Physical Contact = Emotional connection/Love

Hope this is helpful in some way...

SteveSmith1985 · Answer

This is not always the case AT ALL. When there's an emotional connection, guys get just as clingy after sex. It depends on the nature of the sex. If you're talking about your boyfriends... then that's a problem.

But if you're talking about sex that's not sex in a relationship... then guys will tend to be detached (because the post-orgasm clinginess is actually quite intimate... so if the emotions not there, that's how a guy helps keep it separate)

But I don't at all agree that there is a fundamental difference when it comes to clingy after sex. The fundamental difference is more that women (generally) tend to see all sex as 'meaningful'. Whereas guy have two categories 'meaningful' and 'meaningless/for fun'.

So guys will be just as clingy if he considers it meaningful sex... for the exact same reason women get that way. You're sharing emotional-physical intimacy right after sharing sexual-physical intimacy (the two basic types of physical intimacy in a relationship).

But if it's someone you aren't in a relationship with, for a guy, you can separate out the two. You can share sexual-physical intimacy with someone (hooking up, friends with benefits etc)... but since you are NOT feeling, nor wanting to promote EMOTIONAL intimacy... the emotional-physical post-sex clinginess is avoided (or not especially wanted).

Summeroflove · Answer

Because people shouldn’t be having uncommitted sex in the first place. It causes too many problems and isn’t good for men or women.

Many people love excusing it. But they know deep down that they’re literally destroying their soul with causal sex.

At the end of the day. It’s their choice. I don’t choose to be around women who are like that.

caring__1 · Answer

For any species to thrive, the gene pool needs to be diversified, and the offspring needs to be protected. I'm not saying this is ideal in our present day society or we can't overcome our nature, but there is a biological component that has been passed down through evolution. When a guy has sex with a new woman before establishing an emotional connection, he has no problem getting an erection and ejaculating, though, once he's finished, he has this urge to be away from the female he just potentially impregnated and move on. On the other hand, when a woman is penetrated, she starts preparing for a potential offspring by holding onto the guy who just did the deed and is to be there to protect and support the potential new child. These are subtle urges, but it's similar to being intoxicated and experiencing lowered inhibitions. At that moment, they feel necessary.

coachTanthony · Answer

oxytocin is released which creates attachment. They call it the bonding hormone.

JamesDiaz11 · Answer

I don't think a good strategy for women is to pretend not to care- that attitude is what brought us to the fallen stage we currently are. Women getting attached to their sexual partner helps solidify a family unit, and bonds them further. Men also experience a release of oxytocin too (the bonding chemical), despite the idea that they don't care at all- although they probably don't get as attached as females, as quickly.

The reason men may seem to "detach" is because in having sex with a woman, "knowing her," you remove the feminine mystique. The unknown, the ideal, i. e. the mystique upon being removed leaves just a normal person in the place of what drew you. Many men believe once they have sex with a woman that's all there is to know about them- the song Secret Garden describes how this isn't so.

There is also "post nut clarify" that men experience. Our lust is so often mistaken for love- as both feel exciting and have an element of obsession. However, after we finish and our sexual desire is removed we see clearly what we feel toward the girl, and sometimes it's nothing.

Haha456 · Answer

As a very emotionally detached woman, I can say that men are not completely detached. they get some sort of emotional attachment after sex too. but not to the extent of women. Women seem to think that any little type of intimacy means romance. It doesn't.

I dont get attached through sex. In fact, men tend to get attached significantly more than me after sex. I am the type of person who can pretend not to see you on the street after a few sexual encounters. Im cold that way

mobiusforniner · Answer

Because sharing that experience necessarily requires emotion. Some men can block the emotion. But to be truly rubbing skin to skin, caressing, kissing, breathing into eachothers necks, and moaning while moving inside another human being... its all very special and deeply personal and, especially for a woman, she is making herself extremely vulnerable to allow a man to have this access to her body. And even afterwards, the laughing, the holding, the deep breathing... when done with meaning, its the most special experience you can share with another person.

For me anyway, and obviously can't speak for all men, but I get pretty attached after sex, because its the culmination of the relationships feelings and sacrifices in a physical act of union and commitment.

Levin · Answer

If it's pure physicality, once the man has done the deed, there is nothing there once the physical veil has been shattered, he'll not be into you until the refractory period has passed.

If the guy genuinely likes you and wants to get to know you on a deeper level, then of course, he'll love the after sex snuggles.

Women are just as responsible for they are the selectors. You selected a guy who just wanted to fuck you, and then got surprised when he didn't give you any intimacy.

SnowedIn · Answer

But, do they? Is that really true even in a general sense? And is it clingy or is it that she's satisfied and the wants to bask in the glow of sex and passion and orgasms and satisfaction and part of basking is being with their partner? Even if we could pin that to one gender (and I don't think we can) that's not clingy.

But, in answer to your question of "why", I'd say that people attach because they want the connection and intimacy after sex. Those who detach don't want that connection. And the couple has to communicate and find what works for them.

Finally, doesn't context matter? If it's a one night stand or we just met in the club sex or friends with benefits or a long term partner I think the expectations are different -- but again they should talk about it.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

Because sex is the ultimate form of love a woman give a man. It is her being completely vulnerable, being open to accept him for all he is both physically and mentally, and he gives her himself in the process.

The emotional aspect is that when a woman gives that part of herself to a man, she grows attached because she feels all of her emotions in the moment and wants to feel them in return from him. She welcomed him into her world and wants him to be with her from then on as a bond that was formed with that union.

Men don't get attached as easily because on the biological and instinctual level we are supposed to penetrate and be a driving force in the world, conquering each challenge and moving on to the next. Men that get attached to a woman are those that are more grounded and in tune with themselves to the point that time and investment becomes the prize. The more time he spends with her and more touch is involved the stronger he will feel towards her.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I've noticed this too. If I sleep with a girl, I basically already know she's a girlfriend after that point. The only time I've been wrong about that is when she was cheating on some guy and didn't bother to tell me that.

As the guy, I'll tell you it's just about getting that nut off, and if the girl has jack shit to offer personality-wise, I don't have any use for her after getting my nut off. It's like that achievement award bubble that pops up in a video game and then I move on with most chicks. Keeping her around is just going to equal some bullshit like her bitching about me watching "The Joker" for the 90th time while I dance around with two loaded guns.

JDavid25 · Answer

"But women get so clingy. She’s should pretend not to care"

I think the best course of action is to have sex with a guy you know who cares about you.. Trying to detach yourself is only going to get you to hurt other people in the end.. That said, it's not as black and white as that.. Men can generally have sex with women they are not necessarily attracted to if his other head is speaking strongly enough.. And if basically the woman is there for him to get his nut off, he probably won't care for a woman he wasn't attracted to too much in the first place.. Whereas while women do have that sex drive as well, men's are generally on another level.. If the woman was cool and we were attracted to her, we'll definitely get attached.

Massageman · Answer

See Paul Gungor, "Tale of Two Brains", about a 7 minute clip! Men's drive is to want the sex first and the relation/togetherness comes after. Women's drive is to want the opposite- they want the relationship and companionship before they want to have the sex.

Women's hormones build up to climax during sex and are slow to drop. Men build up and after climax, come crashing down like a rock from a cliff during the "refractory" period after orgasm. This can be mistaken for "detachment".

rienna888 · Answer

Yeah, I was dumb and use to hook up with guys expecting a relationship (at least im honest lol) but then they end up not wanting anything more. So now, I usually hold off sex as long as possible until i'm convinced that they have feelings for me, and also if they ask me to be in a relationship. It works, and also try to be as attractive as possible. Yeah I think it's because women get pregnant and need protection and someone to raise the child with, and men can just ditch so we evolved to get attached to men during sex. Also, usually guys are honest, if they don't want a relationship they will tell you. Although some will try to convince you they want a relationship, those are the shitbags. If you're having sex the first date, they already label it as a hook up. They don't know you well, although you're attractive.

Jackblue · Answer

It is largely biological when it happens. A woman's body reacts thusly "I might be pregnant, and surviving without a man when I am pregnant could be quite difficult. I can't expect another man to take care of a child which isn't his so I need to cling to this one." A man's body says "I have possibly impregnanted this woman, if I have she can't get pregnant again for a long time. I have the potential to further ensure the survival of my lineage by impregnating more women elsewhere." Please understand that I am just talking about primal instincts not actual behavior. If our cavemen/cavewoman drives were all that we had we would be animals.

ODC2112 · Answer

It's because of a simple hormonal effect. They are opposing effects of oxytocin and testosterone.
In women, any sexual or parasexual relationship generates oxytocin.
Oxytocin is a small protein hormone. It comprises a sequence of nine amino acids. Oxytocin promotes loving relationships and is implicated in regulating social and sexual behavior. In fact, it allows the formation and continuation of fundamental bonds, such as the mother-child bond and between two partners.
Oxytocin is released from nerve receptors in the skin, nipples and genital organs during the preliminary phase of sexual intercourse for women and during orgasm, both male and female, however for women it is about three times higher. Also, men released testosterone, which is an oxytocin inhibitor.
So women show a strong bond after sex, men don't, to have the same bond they have to have sex with the woman many times.

peedy · Answer

Go back to when we lived in caves
We did our job now we move on to the next
Simple fact our brains are wired differently testosterone and estrogen do different things not only to the body but to the brain as well, women are programed to mate with the best male and men are programed to mate with as many as possible females
Its not right its not wrong its just the way our species developed in order to survive, ask yourself why do men fight because men are expendable and women are more important to the survival of the species

Anonymous · Answer

This is one of the problems created by the proliferation of casual sex in our current hookup culture. When a man and woman have casual sex before they have developed a deep connection and truly care about each other, the hormones released in a woman's body cause her to develop those deep feelings, but not so much in men if they don't already have those feelings. What happens for guys is they begin to sense that she is developing those feelings and it scares them off because they don't have the same feelings yet and they may not be ready for a serious relationship. Commitment can be scary for guys in ways I think most women can't understand. And marriage today is scary as fuck for men. I think even women, if they are honest, should be able to put themselves in men's shoes and understand why most guys are totally turned off by marriage now.

CA4444 · Answer

Well if you have sex when already having some levels of emotions going on, basically you like the guy, then yeah of course you’re going to be more attached the more you ‘bond’ and share an experience with him sex can be very powerful, I’d say even if you have shitty sex you’d get attached lol

i guess for men it’s different they can enjoy it as just a fun/pleasurable experience and then leave? for a woman it’s a big deal to share your body

FilmGuy93 · Answer

It's a bigger act of trust for women. She's allowing a man to be inside her body. And because women's standard for who they'd bang and who they'd date are closer than men's are; the emotional investment the women have in wanting to keep men they sleep with around is much higher.

Elliegirl · Answer

I understand there are one night stands and hookups, but for me sex is a very emotional thing. It can be hard not to feel some level of attachment after doing something so emotional and having him inside me.

Lookingforthetruth · Answer

Women use sex to try and secure a relationship with men above her station. The reason you think men get detached after sex is because these men weren't really that into you to begin with.

It's similar to guys who give women attention, gifts and do special favors for them only to be denied sex/relationship.

Labokachulaa · Answer

I've always wondered this besides the hormone side, I think it varies on a lot of different factors. I've heard some men become like this and women don't like it, but mainly you'll hear of men complaining about the clinginess.

Anonymous · Answer

That's your erroneous view hun. While guys may be stupid, we're smart enough to know typically after you've slept with her she's kind of bonded to you. So it's not that we pull a way. You're just getting a taste of reality. We simply don't have to try as hard anymore.

Swollerbear · Answer

Women use sex as a means to bond in an emotionally impactful way. Men use sex to physically arouse themselves. This is why sexually promiscious women are so insecure.

Sixgunsound · Answer

Look up oxytocin and the effect it has on female attachment surrounding sex. Then look up whether men have this in their system or not. Should be straightforward.

FireGodGoesSeeknFire · Answer

Women get pregnant so their brains are preparing for this long stretch where they will need more care

inhua · Answer

for the same reason men get attached to relationships and women detach easily after relationships

SpokenTruth · Answer

Maybe because women choose the wrong men the men that are out for sex. Speaking for myself if she were the right girl all I would have to do is look at her and I would be hooked especially if I had put my arm around her.

bean2k21 · Answer

Cumming is hard work. We need a sandwich or a drink afterwards.

Berethor · Answer

Because women get pregnant, men don't, women don't want to get pumped and dumped.

snowboarder720 · Answer

Why did you say “pretend to care”? If she really doesn’t care she doesn’t need to pretend.

BJP21 · Answer

Emotional attachment is a thing guys and girls alike. Psychologically when you have sex, it must mean you're wanting a relationship commitment.

AimeeKyle · Answer

I don’t think guys get detached at all…. I think it gives them more of a connection (my POV anyway).

Confusedashell123 · Answer

Basic biology I think is the only reason although I have girlfriends who don’t get at all attached and know men that really do or have

Z1pTD · Answer

Hmm I don't know. In my case it's the opposite

AngryCarl · Answer

Women want to bond with the male so that he will provide for the offspring. Men just want to spread their seed as far as possible.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Not sure. I would definitely get attached, though. That's why I'm waiting for marriage.

LiamJHayden · Answer

The sad truth is some guys are only interested in adding to their body count.

Anonymous · Answer

Men do get attached but those men who want o commit never get the girls, only top guys will have limitless options, why should they commit while having so many options?

Arik_jade · Answer

Because women are emotionally attach and most of men always think that how to get unloaded only.

clubmanager · Answer

Because we are wiser and know how to keep our heads at right place.

LimitedBenefits101 · Answer

That's something I will never understand about women they get so attached and emotional.

Anonymous · Answer

I most certainly do not get detached. It is the deepest feeling of love and intimacy possible and makes me feel happy for the rest of the day.

OddBeMe · Answer

Basic anatomy. You let the guy inside you. We violently bang you which allows us to disassociate.

jimmy2 · Answer

Women are feelings and men are by sight sex done sight gone

Anonymous · Answer

Im a woman and never felt this. However, the guy always wants to keep in touch -

Anonymous · Answer

It’s their parents. They have bad parents. They are more likely become a sex worker after they get rejected by men.

SphynxUK · Answer

I don’t get attached.

dustybiker · Answer

Happy men don’t detach. Find a better man.

msc545 · Answer

Hormonal response. Brief too.

legalboxers · Answer

Im the opposite..

Tracker1958 · Answer

They don't if you pay them for it.

Jltakk · Answer

I've seen more of the opposite.

krin_m · Answer

I'm not sure that is generally true.

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

Because we just see you as a walking hole

Anonymous · Answer

It's called oxytocin.

Anonymous · Answer

Read taoism the art of making love

Why do women get so attached after sex and men detach?

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