My husband decided he wants to live in a pet free home. Has anyone else had to choose animals vs their family?

[sheepiemama]

Today is his birthday and all of a sudden he came to me and said he is done with the rabbits (he brought home first one 3 years ago) and he is done with our new 5 month puppy that is full of energy and commands a lot of attention , and he wants to rehome our 7 year old dog that we raised together.

He said he doesn’t want this lifestyle full of heart break, dirtiness (they’re 2 big rough housing farm dogs and we live in the suburbs) that he wants to put all his attention towards his business his son and me and doesn’t want to split it up to give anything to them, they do demand a lot.

rehoming 2 small rabbits is one thing, but getting rid of my 7 year old and 5 month old puppy that are bonded and bonded to me is heart breaking.

my son doesn’t get along with the dogs he thinks they’re too much, too playful too gross.

I enjoy walking and playing with them, and my husband said they’re taking up a space that the business my son and him require?

can I really not have it all.

he basicly woke up on his birthday came to a realization that he hates this lifestyle of harboring animals = filth and time and nonstop cleaning and making vet appointments.

im dependent on him.
has anyone else had to choose animals vs their family?

can I not have it all? Can there be a wrong time for pet ownership.

this man had me bawling my eyes out. I really hate crying it ruins my energy. Because he said to give up their faces. And that it was a toxic relationship and compared my adoration for them to a mental illness.

and I said I’m sorry I thought you loved them too that’s why we had them,,, he said he loved animals but is sick of filth, and heartbreak that comes with it.

Updates

1 y

I’ve been doing more housework than ever before , to keep up with these guys, take them out on walks and dogparks, and it has reflected in my energy and affections towards my partner.

[abc3643]

TELL HIM TO FUCKING GROW UP!

Furthermore, tell him I am in a similar boat with similar feelings, but, as an adult man, I put my actions where my words were and took responsibility for what I did - which was "permit" (*) my wife to create a life for us with 8 dogs, 2 cats, and a horse on-property.

When I met her, we had none of this and I didn't want any of this. I married her partly because she had a hysterectomy, so we'd have no kids. I wanted to be a DINK (double-income, no kids) so I could save money and retire and live a quasi-decent lifestyle. Now all I do is fucking blow all my time, energy, and money on these 11 animals and that includes 6 border collies, 2 of which are farm border collies.

(*) I wrote "permit" because my wife will do whatever the fuck she wants to do no matter what I say.

Anyway, as you can see, I empathize with his situation. But, as an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and his actions included getting those animals, having that business, and having that son. Furthermore, as a MAN, he should know better...
1. His job is to take care of his family - and, yes, that includes the animals he decided/agreed to have.
2. A man - a mature, adult man - should know not to get himself into hot water.
3. Sadly, this is an example of what I tell everyone>>>

The two most important things in life to learn are:
1. Human Nature. That takes decades or lifetimes to master.
2. Yourself, so you know:
A. Your limits and abilities and constraints
B. What you want and what makes you happy
C. What you don't want and what makes you sad or angry.

He didn't know himself... and now he's in a situation that he doesn't like. Well, TOUGH! He is going to pay the price of learning a hard lesson in The School of Hard Knocks. He needs to own-up to what your situation is because he (helped) create it and adults are responsible for their actions.

So, the bottom line, he needs to grow up. And then he needs to look in the mirror and ask himself who he is because he needs to determine that fast otherwise, one morning, you are going to wake up and he's going to have another immature surprise outburst like this one.

But I want to mention two other things...

1. The situation with the animals is transient. Within 15 years, it will be moot. 15 years goes by very quickly - trust me on that.

2. By his words and deeds, he is teaching you that he is immature and flighty. Worse, is that you now cannot count on him to keep his word which is very bad because you can't plan around him since his needs and desires are now unpredictable to you. If I was a woman, I'd be shocked by this because women need safety and security and a man who is flighty is the very antithesis of a good husband.

You should show your husband what I wrote.

[sheepiemama]

He said today he about hurled because of the smell of vinegar while I was cleaning floor, and the sound of the dog barking during crate training and he said all of us just have to go. He’s just done? He said he is not willing to live with mess or scents another second of his life

[abc3643]

Honey, I don't know what to say because I know that what I would say, you would not do.

What I would say is prepare for WW3. You need to put your foot down and let him know that he needs to take responsibility for what has happened. Furthermore, that, if he follows through, he is endagering your relationship and that your marriage may need to come to an end because you need a man - a MATURE, ADULT man - who sticks to his words and follows through with what he agreed to.

[sheepiemama]

He said he’d go back to just working day and not and not ever come back home and I could just be alone with the animals all day if this is what I choose…

[abc3643]

He needs to go.
Get a divorce.
He's an immature controlling asshole.

SHOW HIM THIS.
NOW.

[abc3643]

AS FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY:

I want you to try and understand this clip because it is important for any adult.

For context, this clip comes from the 1987 movie "Wall Street". Charlie Sheen's character is Bud Fox, a young man at a stock trading firm that is about to get arrested for insider trading. One of his mentors is Lou, played by the late great Hal Holbrook. Lou gives Bud this analogy to help get him through what he will experience that is about to begin.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrKEVZcSxNM

My point in this clip is that you may need to make some tough decisions and find an inner strength that you did not know that you had. That's the point of Lou's advice - the find that inner strength to prevail through hardship.

This issue is more than just about pets.

This issue is about you being married to a boy in the body of a man.
As a woman, you deserve to be married to a man, not a boy.
He either needs to grow up or you and the son need to go.
(PS: You will get custody because his fickleness and abandonment of the pets illustrate to the court that he cannot be trusted as a caregiver and, thus, they will give you primary custody of the boy)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrKEVZcSxNM

[abc3643]

Here is a better clip with context. His entire office already knew he was about to get arrested before he did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wmp8vIKssQ

[OlderAndWiser]

1. You did not say this explicitly, but it sounds like he has given you an ultimatum. Is that how you understand this announcement?

2. My first thought was to wonder whether he hopes you will refuse to give up the animals and he can then have a reason to leave you and blame you for the break up. Has he ever been unfaithful to you? Have you asked him that question?

3. Equally troubling is the fact that he took it upon himself to make this decision by himself, wthout consulting you. If you tolerate this now, won't it encourage him to do this again with other issues or conflcts?

[BlueScorpio]

I can understand the puppy and the rabbits but the 7 year old dog that already has bond with you doesn't seem fair to just ditch. Plus the dog is 7, most people are picky about the age of dogs , they will take the puppy over a 7 year old dog cause they see the dog as already old, broken down, and won't have many years left. Its possible someone will still take him or her but it might take longer. So in my opinion the 7 year old dog should stay. He has to understand that pets are work and responsibility and you can't just throw then away the second it gets too hard or boring. He bought these animals in the home and needs to be responsible for them as well.

[Aerissa_Jade]

There is no such thing as a bad dog, only bad trainers. He can't make that decision by himself, and if he really wants to get rid of them... then he can wait another decade for them to die of old age.

It would be cruel to take one of your fur babies and just give it up for adoption, the poor dog will have no idea what it did wrong and only know that its family got rid of them.

If he needs more space you can always leave, give him more space. People need to think of pets as family members not just some animal that can be given away soon as it becomes a inconvenience.

[jennifer_bloom]

If your pets are healthy, rehoming them will be easy because there is more demand than supply for animals right now due to pandemics isolating people. You could sell them to a best friend or sibling who lives nearby and that way, you can still visit them once a month or so. I think selling them is better than giving them away because if somebody is willing to pay money for them, it means they value and appreciate the animal and are willing to sacrifice for it.

[Apple1996]

I don't blame him. Pets are dirty and too much work. Reason why I refuse to have any especially when having kids at home. Don't need pets on top of that too

[Kori1236]

Tell him to grow up. The animals are a commitment he chose when you both got them. I get his stand point I do, I have two large dogs they roughhouse all the time, they’re shedding dogs, and I’m constantly cleaning up after them. I run the roomba twice a day have to vacuum the carpets in both our rooms daily (roomba is old and doesn’t do carpets well). On top of feeding them; it’s expensive to feed two dogs, and then balancing work, school and walking them/getting proper exercise (because a quick walk around the block is not nearly enough)


But for your husband this was a decision the both of you made to get animals. And while no longer enjoying the lifestyle is valid, it’s not fair to the animals or you. That said it’s also not fair for all that work and commitment to be on you.

[Datboi65]

If you're seriously considering leaving this man over PETS, then lady I have nothing else to tell you.

Does he treat you well? Do you have a roof over your head? Food to eat? Clothes to wear? Do you feel safe around him? Do you enjoy his company? Is he a great leader? Yes? Then that's good enough. If you will leave a husband over some animals, then your priorities aren't straight and you will be wrecking your own home. Guess what? I don't like pets either, they are overrated. Doesn't make anyone who prefers not to have them a bad person, it's just too much of a responsibility for someone who wants to live a peaceful life.

Appreciate what you have, because you will miss it when it's gone. I know many women who would do anything to be in your shoes. Don't fuck up.

[catiecatie]

I’m surprised your son doesn’t like the pets. My thing is have a conversation about what triggered the whole not having pets now. I assume you guys wanted pets even before your 7 year old dog together so 7+ years and it’s just now coming forth. I’d ask that question and then if he’s so dead set on getting them out of the house I’d then say we’ll do you know people that will take these animals? I wouldn’t want just anyone take them, I’d want to know them as well and then make sure they would be a good fit. DO NOT GIVE THEM TO A KENNEL! Some shelters are okay, but I’d still be skeptical. First have that conversation and then go from there.

[Chazmatazz269]

That’s a lot. Most people who don’t live on a farm or suffer mental illness don’t have that many critters. Your kid is weird, and it’s likely that your hubby was either harboring resentments until just now or suffered a mild stroke or other form of brain damage.
If it were me, i’d divorce him and keep the critters. Unlike his, their love is unconditional. Plus, they’ll never hand you an ultimatum. Human beings ARE animals, and lots of animals are susceptible to disease, defect and dysfunction. So there’s no guarantee they won’t turn on you the way your hubby did them. But it’s highly unlikely. If they do, you can just shoot them and bury them in the yard. Good luck getting away with that on your husband! Ell oh ell! I trust animals over people every day of the year and twice on my birthday. Always have and always will. Maybe it’s just me though.

[bamesjond0069]

There can be too much. People who have big dogs in little apartments ARE ANIMAL ABUSERS. If you have farm dogs in the suburbs I'm guessing they don't have space.

Why anyone has a dog when they live someplace the dog needs to be walked is beyond me. No yard. No dog. How about that?

Try being a responsible adult for a change instead of using animals for "your emotional wellbeing" that's what any animals needs is a psychotic owner to treat it like an infant human. Smh.

I love animals but they are animals. If you can't have them get rid of them. They are not your children. Imagine if you lived on a farm and it was time to get the hamburgers or bacon or whatever. People are so pathetic these days.

[sheepiemama]

Yes I have dogs that have to be walked as we don’t have a fenced yard and even if we did have a fenced yard it isn’t big enough for them to be interested in it, as these are herding dogs that love to explore their property.
The issue is because I have to spend hours a day walking them, and supervising them letting them out or else they’re just in the house

[bamesjond0069]

Exactly. So you are unable to accommodate the dogs and a normal lifestyle. Choose one. Either your life revolves around the dogs in which case let the husband leave and let him take the child please or get rid of the dogs. Common sense? Just think for 5 seconds if your husband was in a video game league where he needed to devote so much time to it either he did good in the gaming league or he could have a family... I think it would be obvious which he should choose. And don't think a living breathing dog makes it any different, it doesn't.

[mb120101]

Well if it genuinely bothers him and you love him I would think about it. I doubt something like that would end a marriage, but if he's unhappy with his situation and you care about his feelings I would consider that. Yeah you can tell him to grow or man up but he would still be unhappy. If your pets are more important than him being happy then of course make that decision, if it keeps you happy.

[JustinTheGreat]

Nah I’m sorry you can’t just change your mind and decide to get rid your pets randomly 😭

Pets are part of your family and they have feelings and also get heart broken when being taken away from their owners. Especially a dog that you’ve had for 7 years.
Tell that man to shut up.

[LiamJHayden]

I'm not married with children, so for me I would choose my pets over any girl I was dating. Your situation is far more complex, especially with a child who dislikes your pets. I would attempt a compromise: give up the rabbits, and perhaps limit the dogs to specific areas of the house. My dogs know that my music room and my den are off limits and I can eave the doors open and they stay out..

[sheepiemama]

With 2 farm dogs , one she is our grandma on her last few year years. I decided and asked everyone how they felt about getting her a rambunctious companion, at the time nobody was against. But now they don’t like the new large bouncy happy puppy that is still working on training on issues like potty, no jump, no knocking kids over, no biting, just regular puppy stuff. He isn’t insanely bad just NORMAL puppy dog stuff.
But now it’s too much for my 6 year old son and husband and they’re in the same boat, they want a sparkling clean pristine house no dog responsibility, no puppy to take out , train, or be jumped on,
They Don’t want it!
And I’ve bonded with him so I’m so torn.

[LiamJHayden]

The puppy can be trained. And you can get gates to keep the puppy out of selected areas. But it does sound like you will be the one stuck doing everything. It is sad, because without compromise one or both of you could easily descend into resentment.

[OddBeMe]

1) rabbits suck as pets. Seriously.
2) I get why your hubby says that. It’s a challenge with any animal. I will say a cat is the easiest.
3 ) but having another life in the home brings positive effects psychologically. I work at home a lot and the cat is peaceful.

[sheepiemama]

I don’t like cats, I like my rabbits. I’m choosing the animals over a romantic relationship with this man. If he was for me he would be consistent with the decisions we made together. I didn’t just show up with baggage

[Anonymous]

I don't own any pets. But I had a cat that passed away when I was going to college (not a surprise she was 21 human years). But considering I was the youngest of the kids my parents said we were done with pets. I'm an animal lover but I'm OK to not own a pet and I was ok at that age. As I became an adult I've just never seen a need for a pet. So I'd be ok with a partner who didn't want one. I have enough friends and relatives who have pets that I can love up on when I visit them.

[exitseven]

I wonder what really is the reason behind this sudden change in behavior? Maybe something is bothering him. Maybe the business is not going good or maybe he wants to have a better relationship with his son. You need to talk about this.

[sheepiemama]

Yeah he does want a better relationship with his son , not walking into the big dogs

[Agape93]

It's not up to just him they're you're pets too. Fight for them.

[Agape93]

After all, would you give up your children if he suddenly wanted a kid free home? No, of course not. Pets are your children. Giving them up halfway in life is fucking cruel.

[sheepiemama]

Yes but it’s his home too , he works pay the mortgage, and these 2 big dogs are a lot of work. He doesn’t he even want to get out our bedroom because that would mean facing the music (our dogs galloping wanting to socialize in main house) . If he’s miserable this life isn’t going to work out. I didn’t just bring them home without asking anyone, he just decided they’re too much work than he wants to do anymore , just like that. And he’s making me feel mentally I’ll for saying it feels wrong to kick them all out of our life that easy.

He bought an electric fence, I said are you going to train him to use the electric fence? That takes work, he bought it anyways , then on his own realized it wasn’t magic and you have to love your dog enough to invest the time and care and training into it, and he’s fed up done ready to move on. We’re not in the financial position to move to a home with an acre of land yet.

[sheepiemama]

He wants the nuclear family dynamic and these farm animals in a suburban home are wrecking up his life I guess he decided on his birthday
He said he wasntn going to spend another ounce of energy to pet care taking.

[Agape93]

Honestly, he's pathetic. He's acting like a goddamn child. Besides that, YOU need to fight for them and your own happiness. It doesn't matter if he works or it's his home. It's your home too, your pets too and your life is negatively affected.

[Agape93]

Having pets is not wrecking his life.

[sheepiemama]

I can’t do this I can’t have these animals in his house if he’s going to throw me shade and not lift a finger when it comes to them.
It comes down to he Doesn’t want them just like that. He said he doesn’t want to see our 7 year get more and more broken down and bury her dead body. But like we raised her as a pup? Isn’t that our responsibility? He says he has to start making decisions for me because wanting a clean house is simple and these dogs aren’t worth the upkeep

[abc3643]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HIS HOUSE"?
This is YOUR house too now no matter whose name is on the goddamn mortgage.

Honey, you need to strap on a pair too.

[Agape93]

It's not up to him alone hon. If he can't pull his weight, if he's trying to make you give up essentially a child just because he's a lazy pos, you need a better husband.

I would never tolerate someone doing that to me. The basic disrespect of it alone would piss me off. Making it an order essentially would get me to throw them out. Why are you putting up with this asshole?

[sheepiemama]

If I can crate train this farm dog maybe he’ll change his mind, naw, he doesn’t even want our 7 year old dog that is actually perfect and does nothing but lays there.

hard to do things when he isn’t on board and doesn’t want to give any more energy or time to them.

He doesn’t want to live with pets or care or clean after them anymore

I can’t make him want that. A person has to want it. I can’t make him want it.

Or should I just bare the brunt and work of it all , I do already and he’s jealous of where all my attention is going

[Drumlin2001]

Suggest a compromise, get rid of rabbits and puppy, keep the dog and suggest he gets a vasectomy as if he can't handle a couple of animals around he surely can't handle any further kids

[sheepiemama]

K we’re clear on keeping our older girl.
I keep on making argument for puppy and he just gets back on well they drink water their faces get wet they drip everywhere then put their wet faces on my clean pants I want everything clean and sanitary.
Hard to argue with that, keeping fluffy herding dogs in suburbia is not for the weak.

[LazerBean]

He sounds like a thoughtless person, considering he should have thought of all that before getting any of the animals.

[Kiss_Me]

This is a true wake-up call. Pet are just fury kids. Guess you now know how he may someday view you and the kids.

[Apple1996]

Kids and pets are totally different. I have 4 kids but 0 pets cuz they are dirty and can't stand having them in my house. Even grosses me out to go to a house if someone has pets

[Tina19]

This is one of the most important question i ask on date if they like pet it's a deal breaker if they say they don't i bunny is my world i will never abandon her for any human

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i HAVE to live in a pet free home. Nothing more than a pet fish is acceptable

[dustybiker]

I’d have my attorney draw up the divorce papers while he starts packing.