What does it mean to be on a break in a relationship?

Question

Ok so basically my boyfriend is asking for a break, and before you say anything like, "he's cheating" or anything like that, I can assure you he's not. We may have rushed into the relationship a bit, without thinking about whether it would work in the long run. He is very academically inclined and also has a lot on his plate. Family always making him do stuff, cleaning, going to the store, etc. And he's getting a job soon, with all of that, he really doesn't have a lot of time. And I'm still very sure that he loves me, but the thing is, I have never been on a break in a relationship, it's always been that I've either broken up with them or we didn't break up, y'know? So I'm just a bit confused on what it exactly means? I also have asked him what he wants, but I also wanted to get some other opinions just in case there's something else I should know on my part, things I should expect, like how long a break can last? Does it usually end out ok? And what should I be doing on my time? I understand it's a bit taboo, but it's still something that I need to understand and talk about. Thank you for any helpful opinions

SnowedIn · Accepted Answer

I think, first, that there's no such thing as a "break". I'm pretty certain that this is the way overused reference from the series Friends.

I don't believe there are breaks. You're either in the relationship or not.

I do, however, believe that the partners in the relationship can throttle back and focus on the things that need to be focused on. This happens even in long term, committed relationships and marriages.

You asked a great question, "what it exactly means?" The best advice any of us can give you is to ask him. Only the two of you can define what it means. My understanding of "break" (and this could be flawed) is that you guys are on complete pause. And that's no way to live.

So, you asked for advice. I'd tell you to talk to your boyfriend. Ask him two questions. First, what does he want break to mean? No contact? No messaging? Less seeing you? Less of something else? Second, what's his reason for wanting a break? And the answers to those two questions will interconnect.

I apologize in advance, but I need to be blunt. My gut tells me that he looks at the break as a nice way to let you down or not hurt you. Maybe I'm wrong and I hope I am but that's what my gut says. I don't care how busy someone is, you can still have a relationship. It takes courage to look someone in the eye and say "my studies and this new job are going to take priority and I'm going to message a lot less" but they'll still have contact with you. I don't for a second believe that he's not going to have free time even with all the stuff you listed. So that makes me ask, why a break? Break doesn't make sense.

Finally, unless his answers to the two questions I ask are really good, then a break is an immature, waffley way to deal with things.

Oh, second finally: you asked what you should do with your time. The answer is whatever you want! Kinda liberating. BUT... when you two talk (because you should talk about this) make sure you're both clear. Can you date while on the break? Can you flirt? What are your rules. And if the answer to that is "no" -- that's a red flag (and plays into the two questions). If he wants a break but wants you sitting in silence in your room that's controlling -- even if he doesn't think that's what it means.

So, talk with him. Figure out what he wants. And what YOU want. :) You're very important in this. Not just about him. If it really is about time, maybe you guys keep it to an hour on the weekend. Or lunch one day a week at school. Or something that works for both of you. Which, by the way, is VERY real life.

caring__1 · Accepted Answer

Never trust people who tell you what is going on without knowing the other person and all aspects of the situation. Only your boyfriend can define a break and help you see what he is feeling. It's not uncommon for people to want to please everyone, yet discover that is impossible. We only have a set amount of hours in each day, and sometimes the expectations of one contradicts the expectations of another. It is common for young relationships to fall apart when they're not actively being nurtured.

What tends to be helpful is to have conversations where the focus is on defining terminology. Learn to see things through the eyes of the other person. Never expect others to see things exactly as you do. Make a list of all the terms you associate with relationships, and then seek definitions one at a time. There's no rush; it's just a tool to help each other to see what the other sees. Make sure he always feels safe, secure and special. This means no accusations, assumptions, blame, criticism, demands, rationalizations or telling the other what he should or shouldn't do. Show curiosity and seek clarification, yet don't interrogate or push your perspective as the only legitimate perspective. Be patient, consistent and supportive. If it doesn't work for you, don't stick around kicking a dead horse.

Orion76 · Answer

It means the Person got their eyes on someone else or listening to someone else a break means they are giving it a go if it works they will leave you if not they will come back when they need you since you are on hold, Don’t let anyone turn you into plan B that’s my experience. Good luck

In_Trance · Answer

It means you wanna fuck other people guilt free and have your SO wait around like a chump until you're done.

serious_miss419 · Answer

I’d ask Ross and Rachel

Pterodon · Answer

It’s a breakup

What does it mean to be on a break in a relationship?

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