Why does my boyfriend just expect me to "get over things" when he hurts me?

Question

I don't get angry at my boyfriend often, but the two times I've pulled up an issue I have, he just expects me to 'get over it' instead of talking things out or apologising to me.

He disrespected me by telling his friends about our sex life (details like about me in bed etc) and I said I don't like it and don't feel comfortable. He said I'm overreacting and told me to get over it. I nearly broke up with him over this reaction and he acted shocked and said well if you want to end the relationship over such a tiny issue then that's fine.

The other time, he showed my nudes to his friends and I again confronted him and said please don't do that it hurts me. He again said I just need to get over things.

But it wasn't just the issue, it's the fact that I feel he gaslights me when I get upset at something he did which is disrespectful. What should I do?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

You need to learn to set clear boundaries and expectations, you need to communicate them clearly VERY early in any relationship, and there needs to be serious consequences for breaking them. If you don't do this, you are allowing a sloppy, messy relationship, and so you can't be surprised when your relationship gets messy.

I'm fully on board with your values - I think he was wrong for doing the things he did - but some women would be completely fine with it, so there isn't a definitive right or wrong answer, which is why YOU must set your own boundaries and expectations, and so must he, and then you either accept each other's limits, or you end the relationship right there, based on the understanding that the two of you are incompatible. Still, you have to do the work - you can't just assume that everyone shares your values and boundaries, because they don't. It's up to YOU to filter through people and find the ones who DO share your values and boundaries, or at the very least, respect them.

There ARE things that some girls make a bigger deal than it needs to be, and that they DO need to "just get over" - but in my opinion these issues aren't that kind of thing. I totally understand why you're upset at what happened - but I also know that you didn't do the work to learn about his morals, values, and life-goals to figure out long ago that you had some big incompatibilities - either that, or you knew they existed the whole time but thought you could ignore them and nothing bad would happen. Either way, this is a good lesson in the reality that life doesn't work that way. You have to put in the work, UP FRONT, if you want to be in a relationship that has a chance of lasting - and you have to be willing to walk away when you discover serious red flags - no matter how cute he is or how much you REALLY LIKE HIM.

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

THIS:

"He disrespected me by telling his friends about our sex life (details like about me in bed etc) and I said I don't like it and don't feel comfortable. He said I'm overreacting and told me to get over it. I nearly broke up with him over this reaction and he acted shocked and said well if you want to end the relationship over such a tiny issue then that's fine."

You SHOULD have broken up with him right then and there.
That is unbelievably immature on 5 levels:
1. He broadcast those details.
2. Worse, he doesn't recognize that he did wrong.
3. He's dismissive of what he has done as if it wasn't wrong.
4. He's dismissive of your feelings.
5. He's dismissive of YOU.

And, the nudes... (Well, now you know... NEVER FUCKING SEND NUDES!)
That's just fuel on the fire.

BOTTOM LINE:

>>>>> HE NEEDS TO GO.
>>>>> NOW!

I AM SERIOUS.

DO THIS NOW. You:
1. Read my opinion.
2. Block him on your phone and all social media.
3. Copy my opinion.
4. Email him with an announcement that you are breaking up with him including pasting my opinion into the email.
5. Move on and get a reasonably mature adult man as your new boyfriend.

EmyyWolf · Accepted Answer

Woah. The moment he showed my n-des to his friends…I WOULD’VE BROKE UP! 😒😑 RIGHT THERE, I WOULD’VE BROKE UP. If I’m sending my n-des to my man, my significant other, my lover, my companion, my mate. It’s an act of love and me showing you my vulnerability. My nak—ed self, JUST FOR YOU.

Girl.. I don’t know what type of self respect you have for yourself. But I personally, instinctively.. I would’ve broke up immediately. IMMEDIATELY. 😑.

I wouldn’t even say. “ITS OVER” or “IM BREAKING UP”. I would just disappear. POOF! 🫥

I wouldn’t say anything. Take all my belongings and go. 🖕

I would also contact the police and get law enforcement involved. Because that’s called “REVENGE P*RN”.

look it up. He basically did “revenge p*rn” against you. What better way for a man to say he despises & hates you.. than this.
And him saying to “get over it”. Is a joke. He’s probably even selling your pic online for money. And you don’t even know.
This guy lost any love and respect for you and it’s clear. It’s time to move on.

Thats such a turn off! I’ve would’ve BEEN moved on, the moment he was talking about our intimacy to his g4-Y.. Fa—gt friends 🖕.

jnp11 · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry to say this but I really think you need to leave him.

He has shown you that he doesn't respect you 1st by continuing to talk to his friends about your personal sex life, some people might not care if their parents talks about that stuff with others but you do and have told him, yet he continues to do so. As for him showing others your nudes that is never ok, you sent those for his eyes ONLY. The fact that he doesn't understand or respect that they are for him only shows he 1 shouldn't have them and 2 that he doesn't respect you.

Any good and healthy relationship is built on respect and good communication. You need to stand up for yourself and not let him just get away with treating you like a dumb girl who he can walk all over. Your smart enough to realise what he's doing is wrong, stand up for yourself and don't let him just blow your feelings off.

lightbulb27 · Answer

you used a fascinating word... did you catch it? "boyfriend". What kind of friend would do that to you and disregard your feelings? You wouldn't accept that of anyone else would you? You are very nice, that needs to stop.

I'd just pull the plug on this guy, you are in a long road to help him understand your feelings and accept them. You are stating "must have" boundaries and he diminishes, disregards and puts it on you to not feel that way.

That is torture as you noted because you are letting someone in close intimitely and they disregard your sense of security. There won't be much of yourself left in short time as he tears you down. I have to honestly ask why you said yes to this guy and that's another matter... because he's a selfish idiot. This is important for you to figure out "post mortem"... so you don't repeat.

You could try to explain things by doing the same to him in a way that bothers him, but that is pointless... he isn't going to change without a lot of work.

Hit the eject button, try to find someone that has some empathy after doing a post mortem of the whole mess.

by the way... there are 'wicked' souls and some will hurt you intentionally. I'm not sure that's the case here, the answer to your question as far as I know...he's just a young immature idiot.

That is rooted in his childhood upbringing and personality.

BlackBeauty90 · Answer

First his actions are merely a reflection on what YOU allow him to get away with.

He was talking about you to his peers in a sexual fashion. And though that is common among younger guys when he showed that he DID NOT care about your feelings that first time you should've

BROKEN UP. You even said you "almost broke up".

Why didn't you?

Because by not having the SELF-RESPECT to say to your "boyfriend" SCREW YOU he got it into his head that he can do whatever he likes & you'll just desperately hang on.

And that's exactly what he did by sharing your nudes.

So unless you get some SELF RESPECT & LEAVE do not EVER expect him to treat you with respect among his friends because he has NO REASON to treat you with respect.

Deliciouscookies · Answer

Sometimes, people think that when someone is hurt or upset, they should just be able to "get over it" and move on. But it's not that simple. It takes time to heal from hurt and pain, and everyone deals with things differently. Just because your boyfriend may be able to move on quickly, doesn't mean that you should be able to too. It's important for him to understand that you need time and support to heal and that it's okay for you to express your feelings. Communication is the key to making sure you both understand each other and work together to build a healthy relationship.

lucasnabizada · Answer

Talking about his sex life which includes you is very common among other male peers... Not that you're really supposed to ever know about those conversations, we guys do tend to talk about this stuff... It is not that big of an issue to him because that's not really something you're supposed to know about but that happens constantly... And by the way many girls I dated didn't shy away from explaining that they have conversations with their girlfriends about our sex life and how I was like in bed. Just tends to come up with close friends (not random people he meets).

Showing nudes is CLEARLY OUT OF LINE... That is something else entirely, and if done without consent clearly is grounds for a serious rethinking of who you are dating. He clearly has little respect for you or what you feel if he does something like that. And frankly as a guy i'm surprised he would ever do that considering you are his girlfriend.

cloud9vortex1234 · Answer

It doesn't seem like he cares about your feelings or values what you say when you need it. Maybe you should vet people longer and get know them and ask questions on what they would do in certain situations before you get serious with them. Still, you actually did better by finding out how he handles things even though it's a negative. If his answer is "Get over it" most of the time when you have issues with what he's doing then I would definitely break up. It shows a lack of respect. I don't see anything unreasonable on your part from what I read.

DubiousIntentions · Answer

A better question is, why are you staying with this guy?

Spiritofn · Answer

Once he showed you the level of disrespect of sharing your nudes to his friends... (If you really cared about him.) Leave him for 6 months tell him you'll wait. If it works it works. If it doesn't, tell him "should have known you were a piexe of **** when you didn't give me a promise ring."

AydenHazor · Answer

Both of those things are extremely disrespectful to you and valid ground for breaking up. Neither is a little thing you should just get over. He is definitely gaslighting you, wanting you to feel like you're crazy for being upset and that you have no valid ground to stand on so he can continue treating you disrespectfully and never have to open up to it. That is not a healthy place to be in

AdithyaR · Answer

He's showing that he doesn't respect you as a person by constantly ignoring your boundaries and blaming you for feeling hurt. I suggest you cut the chord and be done with him. He's not worth it.

slatyb · Answer

Because he's a narcissist and is too insecure to ever admit fault.  "What should I do?" End this. He's abusive. Then get some counseling to figure out why you stayed with him so long.

Seriouslyitsnotjayy · Answer

please break up with him, if he does not respect your feelings and can’t apologise  you don’t need him  And the nudes? 🤦🏽‍♀️That is very disrespectful

Random_g · Answer

You already know the answer, what are you still doing with him? Do you love him that much that you can't just walk out or are you afraid of something?

LittleJake · Answer

Talking things through is the best way to “get over things”. If he’s unwilling to talk things through and understand how he hurt you, he’s probably not the guy who is going to be loving and supportive when things really get rough.

abbyjgriffin98 · Answer

I would break things off. He can only hurt you if you stick around and let him.

WhitneySnow · Answer

Break up with him. He disrespected you twice and refused to apologize or correct his behavior either time.

Anonymous · Answer

"I nearly broke up with him" well that right there shows you how dumb you are. instead of (oh I don't know) ACTUALLY BREAKING UP WITH HIM you nearly break up with him. he crossed your boundaries and violated your privacy wtf part of that don't you get? "I feel he gaslights me" Again what part of that aren't you getting? Unless you like being treated like dirt and disrespected which is the only reason you stay with him just so you can come on here and complain about it

jshm2 · Answer

He's an asshole and thinks he can do as he pleases with your asshole.  Clearly wants you to breakup, so he can move on.

LazerBean · Answer

Because he knows you are going to stay with him regardless of how he treats you.

Cassie88 · Answer

Your boyfriend is a manipulative sociopath. Dump him  this instant!

Anonymous · Answer

The very moment he showed your nudes to someone else is the very moment you should have dumped him. Girl get rid of this guy asap

Why does my boyfriend just expect me to "get over things" when he hurts me?

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