My boyfriend doesn't apologize when he hurts my feelings?

[Anonymous]

I should start off by saying that he's not a bad person who says horrible, unforgivable things to me. I'm just really sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. When I tell him I feel hurt, I always expect him to respond with compassion, to saying something like, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," or even if I'm misunderstanding what he was trying to say, I don't see why he can't just gently explain what he meant. Instead, when I tell him I feel hurt, he gets frustrated with me and tells me that I'm always hurt and always making him feel bad about it, which then makes me feel worse. When he doesn't respond with compassion and empathy, it makes me think he doesn't care about how I feel. I think we have communication problems on both ends, so I'm trying to take responsibility for my share of the problem, but it's hard because we just can't seem to understand each other's perspectives. I can't figure out if he just doesn't care about my feelings, or if I'm just doing an awful job expressing my feelings to him. He keeps telling me that I make him feel attacked when I express my hurt feelings, but even when I try my hardest to be gentle about it, he still feels this way. I know you guys can't provide accurate feedback with the limited information provided, but I would like to hear some other perspectives from people who have experienced this kind of thing. Have you ever been with someone who rarely apologized or showed little concern for feelings? How did you handle it? Have you ever been with someone who was getting their feelings hurt often? How did you respond to their hurt feelings, and how did it make you feel?

[Lov2PlezUgurl]

Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't seem to care about your feelings is so stressful and hurtful and wrong I know I was in one with a girl that seemed like she didn't care about me at all when I first realized this is when I experienced mild high blood pressure I didn't know what it was the back of my neck and head was hurting real bad and I couldn't stand to even lay down much less standard or sitting and I was dizzy I couldn't walk and I was like 200 ft from the house and I asked her for help and she looked at me like I was pathetic and I didn't understand I was needing her help and she was walking away and leaving me with an angry face and this was wrong the only girl at that time that I'd ever fell in love with and she didn't care about me at all we would get into a fight and she would go have sex with the first guy she saw didn't even know him love will forgive murder if she will just come back to you they say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all that's bullshit I wish I'd never found out what love was you can't miss something you've never had but getting back to your problem he's never going to change he was raised to be like that his parents and his family weren't close obviously they didn't help each other when another person needed help if you really love this guy I would try and tell him what your experiencing tell him in a letter not face to face talking because then he's going to look at you with contempt and be little you and make you forget what you want to say so write it down in a letter how he makes you feel and and how that makes you feel even worse when he says it's your fault explain it to him like you would explain it to a child that's what I say to people about situations that I know nothing about if you don't know anything about something then someone should explain every little detail to you that's what I mean when I say that but it's going to come down to you either accept the fact that you're going to feel bad for the rest of your life with him or your going to have to leave him to feel good and that is what I had to do I didn't know what anxiety was until I started experiencing it because of her that is the most helpless and uncontrollable feeling and the more you have the anxiety the worse you get because you don't know whats happening if you've ever had anxiety before you know what I'm talking about after I left her a year later she died of a drug overdose heroin there was nothing that I could have done for her she was always headed down that track it's like watching a train wreck nothing you can do about it but the sit back and watch or or walk away I'm sorry but that is the only thing that I can tell you about someone that is so close-minded and uncaring is what you have described

[caring__1]

The object is to address our own issues rather than focus on the other's issues. Conjoint psychotherapy can be helpful for both of you to better understand the other. Do you model the behavior you'd like to see? He may not have learned compassion, but you can help him understand it.

He may feel whatever he says, he says it wrong and ends up getting criticized, so you may find him saying less over time. It's hard to apologize when you are feeling attacked by the other person, or when you feel nothing you ever do measures up. Rather than criticizing him for how he says things, offer alternatives you'd find yourself more receptive to. Focus on your feelings, not his behavior, so avoid using the word "you" whenever possible.

The two of you are having difficulty seeing the other's perspective, so a neutral professional might be very helpful.

[Asker]

Thank you this is helpful

[caring__1]

Glad to be of assistance.

[lovespeony]

It is very difficult to relate to someone like this. Bad people came across me. I left because they made me feel worthless.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It seems he's got a hard time emphatizing with others.

[Bananaman177]

You need to experience what he's experiencing from his perspective.

Have one of your friends pretend that everything you do and everything you say hurts their feelings somehow, and have them constantly demanding that you apologize.

Even though you know it's just an act, if your friend keeps doing it and keeps doing it and keeps doing it, you'll get the picture pretty soon, you'll realize how you really come off and how it really feels to be expected to walk on eggshells around somebody all the time and how truly aggravating it is when you try your best not to hurt their feelings, but your best is just never good enough, and something or other just always sets them off.

In just a week or two, you'll have a whole new perspective on how annoying it can be when someone uses their hurt feelings to try and control you through emotional blackmail.

[Asker]

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. I don't intend to be controlling or demanding. It just really hurts when it feels like he doesn't have any concern for my feelings. Do you have any tips for how I could talk about my feelings in a more productive way that won't come across as emotional blackmail?

[TeeBar]

Your boyfriend may be a boy but he is failing badly at being a friend.
Frankly, he has the makings of someone quite deficient in empathy and could be drifting towards sociopathy. If he keeps treating you like a object, dump him. Whatever else, stop sucking up to his crappy behaviour.

[Avicenna]

It is probably a communication issue on both of your parts. Let him know what you've written here.

[Asker]

I've tried to explain all of this to him, but it doesn't go over well