Should you ask your partner details about their past exes or does it really not matter?

[Anonymous]

The other day me and my boyfriend were having a random conversation about polygamy and monogamy. My boyfriend told me that his second girlfriend that he dated back in 2014 had offered to be in a polygamous relationship with him after they broke up. I didn't ask any questions about it during the conversation because I didn't think of it much and thought it wasn't that important. He only mentioned it because it was relevant to what we were talking about. But days later I am having questions that are popping into my mind. Now I wonder if he was single when she told him this or was he dating someone new, and if so was he talking to this ex while dating a new girl. I also wonder what his response was, did he say yes or no to the offer. And I wonder if he still keeps in contact with this ex today. Should I bring this up and ask him these questions days later after we had the conversation? Or should I not bring it up and not think much about it because it's in the past and this happened before me? Would it cause a problem if I bring this up days later? Should we want to know every little detail about our partners past and their exes?

[Guy13]

I would do two things in this situation. I do not think one should ever discuss the intimate details and drawing a visual from friend to girlfriend to threesome is TMI to me... even if the subject matter was threesome. And, "where there is smoke their is spark or fire... get out before the building caves in on top of you" crosses my mind.

Firstly, since he brought it up there is something he is trying to convey without speaking straightforwardly on the subject. Given this, I would not either interrogate or prosecute him with questions. Allow him space and comfort level to work into the "reason" underlying it. NO pressure.

Secondly, I would pay acute attention to what he is saying without coming off as FBI listening to him. And, I would be aware of "retention of her stuff/memorabilia", "I ran into her brother", "she liked when I did this/that", something reminds me of her..., following her still etc.

He is still connected and i wonder if he has had any recovery time in between her and you...

[Asker]

I don’t think he talks to her anymore. It was a story from the past that he shared because it was related to a conversation we were having. So I shouldn’t ask him any questions about this?

[TrillXHippy]

I’d rather not. If I had a girlfriend what happened between her and her exes isn’t my business and whatever happened in their relationship will never change. The only thing that matters to me is that I hope to never be a past ex

[Asker]

So I shouldn’t ask him about this? Just let it go?

[TrillXHippy]

No you should ask him

[Aerissa_Jade]

It only matters if it matters to one of you... if it doesn't then your good.

I tried the whole thing of not talking about ex's and that but then ran into a awkward place in a store with a current boyfriend when a ex came up to me to say hi and I didn't really remember him very good.

That was awkward when he was like, remember we dated back in... like ohhh, crap.

That is just one of many examples, these days I want to be 100% open and honest and him to be as well. If we hope to have any long term relationships, there can't be any unexpected secrets/surprises coming out in the future, or else the relationship may not survive that. Best to get it out early and be done.

If there is issues, it also ends things early and saves a lot of time.

[Asker]

I can see how that situation can be awkward lol. Yea I agree with what you're saying, it probably is good to talk about things early. If I bring it up in a causal way it shouldn't be a problem. I'll just be honest and say I had a question about something we talked about the other day.

[Aerissa_Jade]

I actually, usually around the 12 to 15th date, might be more depending on where we are at. I say we need to plan a all day date and explain the purpose is to talk, talk about our past, present and future plans. This is a chance to bring everything out, regardless... sexual fantasies, crazy fetishes, kinks, history, etc... anything goes without judgement.

The point being we have all day so if I or he forgets something initially we can be like, oh yeah I just remembered this. As it is easy to sometimes forget something.

I spill my whole history all of it and expect him to do the same.

It has generally worked well.

I think too many people want all this too fast, like the 1st or 2nd date and that is too early or they think it won't matter but then something triggers it in the future.

[Asker]

That is a good idea! I never thought of that. We've just been talking about things as they come up.

[Brando10222]

It's completely normal to ask

[Asker]

So you think it would be ok to bring this up and ask him?

[Brando10222]

Of course! If you want to spend your life with him, don't you have the right to know about his past?

[Asker]

That is a good way to look at it. How should I bring this conversation up?

[Brando10222]

Just say "the other day you shared about your ex"

Ask a question about his ex after saying that

[Asker]

Thank you that is a good way to ask.

[Asker]

Should I ask this over the phone? I was thinking sending it through text might not be a good idea.

[Brando10222]

You're welcome! Do remember that he's Your boyfriend and not a stranger. So you can ask him anything you want

[Brando10222]

Anyhow you want to ask. Go for it