Boyfriend wants a housewife? Any ideas on how to approach/deal with this?

[Anonymous]

I've picked up on some things recently that have made me feel like my boyfriend wants a housewife.

I'm an emergency nurse who's passionate about my job and career and don't want to be working a 9-5 or stay at home cleaning with dinner on the table every night.
I was washing up tonight and commented that I feel like he wants a housewife, and his response was just casually "what's wrong with that?". He said it's good to have a wife who looks after her family.

Any ideas on how to approach/deal with this?

[MrOracle]

I understand that you weren't taught how to choose relationship partners, because almost no one is these days (in the past, this was a common topic), but you can't choose a long-term partner based on his looks, or how fun/exciting he is. Those things work fine for a short-term, casual relationship, but it's a completely different dynamic for a long-term relationships.

For long-term, you need to pick your partner based on his morals, values, and life-goals, and these must be compatible with yours, or you really have no chance of sustaining that relationship for long. You can ignore the incompatibilities for a little while, but eventually things come to a head and you can't ignore them anymore - which is WHY it's so important to figure that out UP FRONT, *before* you commit to each other. People don't do this because it's work and not just "fun", and because they don't want to have to disqualify someone for a relationship that they feel a strong attraction to, but, again, the needs of a long-term partner are VERY different from a short-term partner, and so the process is different. The fact that most people don't do this is why most relationships fail.

It's not your fault that you weren't taught this, but you're an adult now, and you are SOLELY responsible for the men you pick and for vetting those men and disqualifying those who you don't have long-term compatibility with. You didn't do that with this guy, and now you have to face the consequences of that.

It sounds like your career is very important to you. Fair enough, you have every right to make that decision. Having said that, you need to realize that, of the men who are interested in a long-term relationship, most of that group are looking for a housewife, at least while they have young children who aren't yet in school full-time. There are exceptions, of course, but that's a smaller pool of men - and lots of men aren't looking for serious relationships at all, even if they'll happily be in a short-term, casual sex relationship. I say this because you need to know that choosing your career over a family is going to require you find a man among the 15-20% of men who don't want children or otherwise don't mind a career woman for a wife - and this means you won't be able to be as demanding in what you want in other areas (such as looks, popularity, or income), because you've already eliminated 80-85% of men right off the top. It won't be impossible to find a partner, but it probably won't be easy either - expect it to take a significant amount of time and effort.

Assuming you end things with your current boyfriend, make sure you are using morals, values, and life-goals as your primary filters for any future partner, because if you don't, you'll only be right back where you are right now, only you'll be older and less desirable, meaning the quality of the partners available to you will be lower.

Average Social Market Value (SMV), by sex and age

So, either find a compromise that you and your man can both live with, or quickly end it and put a lot of focus on finding a new partner ASAP, as time works against you. You are still in the time of your life where your social value is high, and you have the most men available to you that you'll ever have - but you're on the down-slope, and the cross-over point happens at about age 30, after which your options will be more limited, and worse by the year. The sooner you can solve this problem, the better off you will be long-term.

[Sasha0426]

Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? What is this need you have to tell women they’re no longer lovable when they hit a certain age? And why are you blaming her for this situation?

[MrOracle]

@Sasha0426 Who do you think is responsible for HER life, if not her? Taking responsibility for your own life is NOT a bad thing, it's a GOOD thing. In fact, it's REQUIRED if you hope to be successful long-term. This isn't BLAME, it's responsibility. I'm not negatively judging her, I'm simply explaining how the world works, and I'm giving her advice to lead her to SUCCESS. Success for her is my goal - I'm not trying to keep her from success, but rather to steer her towards it. That often requires some brutal honesty, but just as a coach might be tough on you at times, that coach has your best interests in mind.

As for the age thing, IT'S THE REALITY. I didn't invent it, I don't enforce it, I merely observe it working. I could post you 500 YouTube videos of women talking about experiencing this happening to them - women I've never met or spoken to, so if it doesn't exist, why did all of those women make videos talking about it? Why are there articles about it in every woman's magazine?

I'm merely arming her with the best information so that she can leverage that to get the best outcome possible. Do you want me to lie to her, as most women are lied to, so that it's too late for her when she figures out the truth for herself? I won't do that. Better she hears the harsh truth now, when she still has time to maximize her outcome.

[Sasha0426]

The way I read the first part it sounded as if you were talking to her as if she was stupid.
As for the last part about age, I wish we were taught that at a young age so we didn’t expect anything when we grew older. Because I thought you would find love no matter the age. Guess not.

[MrOracle]

@Sasha0426 As I tried to make clear, it doesn't mean you CAN'T find love when you are older - it means that you won't have access to the more desirable men (because those men can get younger women). When you're in your 20s, most women could get a guy who is really good-looking, or has a high income, or is really popular, or has high status. Those men are no longer accessible to most older women (a handful of exceptionally good-looking or otherwise desirable women have a little longer), so they have to be willing to settle for more average men and more average lifestyles. Lots of women are NOT willing to do this, or at least refuse to accept this truth for a long time, losing even more social value while they wait. Some end up being single forever, and others ultimately accept an average guy and many find that they're actually happy. A few get an average man and always resent him for being average, and are never happy.

[Sasha0426]

What if you’re not looking for status? Just something meaningful?

[MrOracle]

I also agree with you that these things should be taught more directly to women - and it USED to be! - but Feminism absolutely hates this information and has done everything they could to suppress it, as if keeping it a secret would make it untrue. That's not how things worked out, though. Men are constantly blamed and shamed, but overall have maintained their desire to marry a woman in her 20s if they've had the value to make it happen (which means they're the men that all women want), and even more average men who are only somewhat above average still largely only consider younger women (20s or early 30s) for serious relationships/marriage. There is a million years of biology behind this, and changes to those instincts take a very, very long time to change.

[Sasha0426]

I was never taught this. I wish I had been because I had my hopes up.

[MrOracle]

@Sasha0426 I try to explain it, but most women won't listen to this from a man. It's up to women to educate the younger generations, because otherwise there will be more generations of women who miss their best opportunities, and that's bad for everyone.

[Sasha0426]

To be fair, I knew I was going to end up alone. Even in my teens or 20s, men never liked me. But, not everyone is meant to find someone.

[Sasha0426]

Although I do see it as a blessing. I don’t have to go out and try to find someone. That’s a lot of work and I’m really unmotivated.

[BCRanger10]

This is a subject that needs to be addressed directly and intentionally.

Now personally, I'd have to ask the same question. What would be so wrong with a housewife? And make no mistake, it's not just because of home maintenance. Everyone needs to pitch in with chores, cleaning, repairs, and so forth.

If you're newly married and don't have kids, that's one thing though. Where things really take an important turn is when children come into the picture. Children need their mother and their father; this is something that your future husband will need to think about, whether it's this man or someone else. And one really has to ask how fair it is to a child if one of their parents spends all their time working. When I look around and see how underdeveloped, how unhappy, and how depressed and anxious a lot of people are today, one question that I am certain to ask is what was their home life like growing up? What kind of formation did their parents give them?

[PrincessBunBuns]

Don’t listen to these fucking idiots telling you it’s about “growing up”. Yeah, everyone in relationships does their share of chores (sometimes the man or woman does the majority). Just ask flat out, “Hey the other day I said this because…” and then you guys can talk it out.


Depending if you guys find a middle ground, you proceed with the relationship. You either work it out, or break up. There’s nothing wrong with a woman not wanting to be a housewife, some people prefer independence and working— and that’s totally fine. Make the appropriate decision with what he says.

[EmyyWolf]

So you did College or University and graduated and did homeworks and shT.. so that he can turn you into a house wife?

I’D BE OFFENDED. Nope! There are babysitters and maids. If his job pays less than mine, he can be the house wife. At the end of the day, it seems your job pays the bills.

[melanieeeB]

Love this! That's so true!!!

[EmyyWolf]

@melanieeeB
Honestly I wouldn’t mind being a housewife, because I never went to college or Uni because I’m not good at school suffer from A-D-D. I’ve always had a 9-5.
I’m 25 and about to pay my new car off. But I never did school. Housewife still even then sounds like a nightmare because he’d be the one in control, and if things went left, or he started hitting me, or yelling at me.
I have nowhere to go. Because I’m the broke housewife.
I’m basically in prison.

My Dad was very verbally abusive and would yell at the top of his lungs every other day to my mother the HOUSEWIFE. So that should give you an idea of what could potentially happen.

[melanieeeB]

Sorry your mom and you had to go through this!
And yeah I know, my mom, aunt, multiple female friends of them where kinda "sold" off as young girls and they told me a lot about how wrong early marriage and being a housewife with no income can get...

[EmyyWolf]

@melanieeeB
In the Latin community in the 1970’s-1990’s.
You were seen as a sinner and evil if you didn’t marry in your 20’s. If you simply didn’t marry at all you were seen as low value and no-good. You were critiqued by both men and women.
Also, most women ended up having to marry nerd geeks with money. If you married a hot guy you were in love with, but he had no money. You were seen as an idiot.
That’s why we have so much telenovelas with hot guys.
Because women wouldn’t actually LIVE & EXPERIENCE their true passion.

[melanieeeB]

Okay damn, thanks for the input. It's good to know and a crazy different world.. I'm glad it's changing

[razelove]

Really that would depend on you. A lot of guys would like a housewife, many people want many things they won't get. How you break reality to them depends on how involved you're going to be with them after that great reveal. I mean, it isn't a false premise like saying you'll have kids together and getting sterilized or something.

Just talk about it, some people aren't cut out to be at home. It's something you can't know until you have a family anyway. What's the point of even going for that role if you don't have kids? Generally I only fantasize about any woman being in that role, you know, while she's knocked up with my kid, or with my kids, it's kind of strange to talk about it and try putting you in that spot without any.

I'm making an assumption that isn't something y'all are working on if you want to stay on swing shift, kids aren't something you have as a priority there.

[Guy13]

I am not your Momma. If you can not cooperate in this relationship then we are only relationship in assignment and not at a personal level. This is where we are headed unless you get your mind and body fully participating in this "arrangement"...

[Guy13]

If that statement does not register with him then there's a problem. If that statement does not piss him off at least into inquiry or action then there is a bigger problem evident. Try that approach and breaking it down in small bites may be the best approach.

[burlen]

Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your expectations for your career and your future together. You should let him know that while you appreciate the role of a homemaker and the importance of taking care of a family, it's not the only option for women, and you have your own career goals and aspirations.

It's possible that your boyfriend may not have realised how his comments made you feel and that he may be open to discussing your concerns and finding a way to support your career while also taking care of the household. However, if he is not willing to compromise and support your goals and aspirations, it may be a sign that your values and priorities are not aligned, and it may be necessary to re-evaluate your relationship.

Be true to yourself and to follow your own path in life, even if it means making tough decisions about your relationships. Don't let anyone pressure you into a role or lifestyle that doesn't align with your goals and aspirations.

[Angelo75]

Well since both of you have different dreams, I'd say talk... talk... talk... TALK about it.
But it has to come from both of you.
This problem won't disappear on its own. And the longer you wait, the worse it becomes.

Problem is quite straightforward:
The idea in a relationship is about "giving". Not so much about "getting".
But regretfuly somewhere along the lines we've managed to deviate from this principle and went to "what can i GET out of this relationship".

I'm not pointing fingers. What I'm saying is that the "healthy" dilemma in a relationship would have been "Boyfriend really wants me to pursue my dreams and sacrifices a lot for me, but i WANT to make his dreams come true."
Usually in such a mindset it will be way easier to find a solution.

That being said, I'm afraid that in your case you guys will have to compromise.
Maybe you stay on carreer for some years and then become housewife later.
Or you work 3 days a week and be the housewife the other 2 days in the week. The weekend you guys "roll the dice" about what you will do.

But whatever happens, do not sit on this dilemma cuz it will only grow bigger and bigger for both of you if you don't talk about it. Cuz both of you will be thinking "years went by and i STILL haven't gotten my dreams".

Another more painful option is to breakup. :-(
But usually by doing that too quickly will mean that you will tend to develop an attitude of running away for problems in a relationship instead of loyally staying and fixing it.

Either way it'll be your choice cuz no matter how many people on GaG theorize and say what they would do, at the end of the day YOU gotta live with the consequences. So try not to let GaG influence your decision too much.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

My mom is a dentist and took care of the home while the kids were growing up, so I don't see why you have to give up your career?

Secondly, you never give up your career/job and money to 100% depend on someone else as an adult to take care of you as this often turns bad for the woman since she is now under the 100% control of the man that feeds her and puts a roof over her head so this comes with strings attached that you might not like going forward.

You need to understand people wake up with different moods and feelings everyday and life is never constant so you never know how things might turn out in the future so you don't want to be 100% depended on someone financially if he changes on you and you have no place to go nor your own money.

These are the things to consider before you surrender 100% control over to someone to feed and clothe you and put a roof over your head as you no longer have no money or assets to your name if you quit your job.

The reward here is low vs the high risk in doing so.

People can't be fully trusted so think long and hard before you make your decision.

[Pegases]

You don't have to want to be a housewife. You can be whatever you want to be, and if what he is looking for in a woman isn't you, then leave. But what the rest of the folks on this thread aren't going to do, is shame men for wanting want they want, because they have a right to like what they like just like women do. We don't shame women for their laundry lists of qualifications for men, yet most women today seem to have a problem with a man that has preferences. It may not be socially acceptable for men to have preferences, but we don't care. We're going to like what we like, irregardless of what women that aren't what we are looking for think we should like. As for the asker, simply tell him you're not interested in being a house wife, and If that's what he wants, he can then decide to go find what he wants, or compromise with you. It's not complicated.

[OfMiceandMen]

I think you should be pretty flattered that he thinks of you that way. Even though you are not ready, he thought it best to let you know he is serious about you, so he is not wasting your time. Most guys never get around to telling their girl they could marry them, avoid it like the plague, and are often given an ultimatum.

He obviously respects you and wanted you to know he cares about you tremendously.

I think if you tell him where your head is at in the relationship and your not quite there, he'll respect that. I think he just wanted you to know your not wasting time being with him. Once he knows you're not ready, I am sure he would be willing to wait.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Modern woman problems... you'll have to decide if you want the kids and family life or the work and the money. It's up to you though... one of the few 3rd wave feminist arguments where I sort of see their point about sacrificing the older lifestyle in order to be financially dependent. At the same time though... I sure see a lot of women that took that route unhappy as fuck when they hit a certain age. It's like, what are they complaining about... they have the career and money... isn't that what she wanted?

So just consider, just saying to consider, what you give up to follow a certain path. Remember men don't give a shit about your education or career status... We're not chicks. There is shit we actually do give a shit about when it comes to women.

[WindAtMyBack]

You need to talk this out with him, and make sure you both are being honest. This is about core issues about basic directions in life. It can't be swept under the carpet.

I see nothing wrong with being a housewife. Where I live the majority of young couples with kids are traditional families. But it's something you both have to agree to or there could be a lot of resentment down the road.

I'm not sure if his comment meant he actually wants a house wife. Or if he does want one, if he would be unhappy without one. You guys need to talk this out.

[Guy2809]

Well he expressed about something he would appreciate and would enjoy about his partner, if things where to get to the point of forming a home together. If you are not that person, then be an adult and say so. No point in prolonging a relationship until everything falls down because you or your partner are not meeting the expectation that was clearly stated before. Now, that said, he just made a comment. What you need to do is communicate and ask him what he wants or ask about such matter on what he actually expects if he sees a future. Might be he is not sayin "you will be a house wife", but rather "I appreciate a partner who cooperates in household". Don´t assume, talk to him.

[bolverk]

Come straight out and ask what he means by 'house wife' because you and he might have differing ideas about what it is. It is a waste of time skirting around the issue as us guys do not process 'hint' as women do it is better to straight out ask, if he goes silent do not think he's rejecting anything you've said, as guys will mull over a response disassembling it and look at it from all angles.

Does he know how passionate you are about your job & career? And have you asked yourself if you are wanting a familyas from what little you've said it is clear that is what your boyfriend sees as the future.

[sunflower00]

I think you should sit down and have a calm conversation about it. He wouldn’t like to be doing all the housework would he? Show him that you are a human being, you’re passionate about your job and you are not his mother. It’s a relationship, things should be equal

[lightbulb27]

Easy, convert him into a house husband!

you can't change what he wants since he probably grew up with that. maybe he wants someone to clean and have an orderly house, you can hire that out.

It's one area of possible difference among a large potential list. Try to work through it amicably.

[Qinart]

A conversation about it should be the right way to deal with this. Otherwise it could be that you guys are ending up in a situation were both of you don't want to be in. You seem really certain about what you want and what you don't want in this case, being honest about it and also about your concern that you got the feeling he might wants rather a housewife than something else should give you enough answers

[JSmuve]

Ya, there isn't anything wrong with wanting a housewife. Most guys won't tell you this, but we want a woman who's at least as passionate for her family and relationship as she is her career.

You have to ask yourself where he/future family fits in your hierarchy of priorities. You should probably talk to him to see what he wants from a future wife, and see if you fit his vision.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, break up because you are completely incompatible and in future maybe take the time to have a conversation with a potential partner about what they want out of life before you are so deeply involved.

This could have been worked out within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.

[LazerBean]

Just have a talk about it. This should have been talked about way sooner, but it's better late than never. Just ask him point blank exactly what his ideal home life situation would be and what sort of roles he idealizes for each of you.

[slatyb]

Straight ahead. "Are you really looking for a woman who will stay home and raise the children? Because that ain't me babe, no, no no, that ain't me babe. It ain't me you're lookin' for babe, it ain't me you're lookin' for.

[Molly1997]

I’m not sure what you’re asking exactly, but I’m a stay at home mom and housewife and it’s the best thing ever

[Pudsmucker]

It sounds like you want a career and be married too. You may need to explain the facts to him that you want a career. Be prepared to start dating another guy. If the guy really truly loves you he'll accept you the Way you.