Girlfriend has a need for frequent deep conversations, she expects me to lead most of them. Does that sound reasonable?

[Anonymous]

We've dated for 18 months, and she has always had this need for weekly deep and often emotional chats. I personally do not have a great need for those discussions so frequently. If I do go a few weeks without initiating one she will often critiscise me and say I do not care about her. In return I often say why don't you initiate one when we are both free and I will gladly participate. She refuses saying I should want to do it, to meet her need. Am I being unreasonable? It is actually starting to get me down as I regularly feel like I am walking on eggshells around this issue, and the fact I have to come up with new topics to discuss etc. Its actually emotionally and mentally exhausting. Additionally if I communicate incorrectly e. g talk when I shouldn't, accidently say the wrong thing etc I moaned at or she shuts down.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

The fact you say she shuts down when you say or do the perceived wrong thing indicates she's emotionally unstable and/or overly insecure and controlling in that she wants your relationship only to go one way, screw everything else.

Without you summarizing the rest of her behavior she almost sounds narcissistic.

Anyway this is not good for a healthy relationship and you've noticed that yourself when you mention it's emotionally and mentally exhausting dealing with her / her chats. Anything that makes a partner feel this way is simply inconsiderate of the other person involved.

It is why we call people in relationships with PARTNERS because it's supposed to be equal or near enough.

"Deep" conversation about emotions is fine in any relationship when there is a legitimate reason. As example after an argument, weighing in on moving in together, planning a future together. But from the sounds of it she wants these emotion conversations more to assure her insecurities and appease her need that relationship is under her control.

[Asker]

She certainly has insecurities, and trust issues from her childhood. She is always sending me youtube videos about Fearful avoidant and dating tips (which if I don't watch quick enough I get told I don't care), if I go away without her she complains if I do not make contact enough (I ensure I do every day). A funny one is if she gpes to the toilet for a long time (10/15 mins), she will sometimes moan at me for not checking she is okay. Like why would I expect you to not be okay in there? Its does all sound very controlling!

[HuntingGal]

You can do one of two things.

You can suggest she see a counselor for her issues - because THAT is the ONLY way she'll get better - and stick with her.

You can suggest she see a counselor for her issues - because THAT is the ONLY way she'll get better - and leave her.

There's conversations for meaningful reasons as in ANY healthy relationship. And then there's conversations due to uncontrolled anxiety, issues & control as in ANY UNhealthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your girlfriend, but from what you describe, this is a bit controlling. The reason I say this is because you have agreed with your own terms to help her meet her need, i.e., I'm willing to do this when we are both free and have the time for it, but not every week, all the time and she has pulled an ultimatum that if you don't do this, essentially you don't care about her. To not care would be for you to completely dismiss this activity and/or not want to communicate with her at all, but that's not it.

So, deep discussion topic for you for next week, give her the control of the conversation. Explain you see there is definite value in having these deep conversations because she values their importance, but ask her to tell you why it is important that you take the reigns and that you have them so frequently. You might inform her of the different love languages and how people communicate their love in different ways and for you, this isn't through affirmation and time, but through (fill in the blank) and that she needs to see that as a partnership, you both need to find a middle ground where she's showing that she understands how you work and you, her by compromising for say a long once a month chat. Don't dismiss her need for these chats because clearly they are important to her, but actually let her know how you communicate and why things like this can be a bit stressful for you. May work, may not, but for someone who values communication this much, she must also learn to be a good listener.

[HuntingGal]

There's a difference between conversations with meaning & conversations to control. He is involved in an obviously mentally unstable woman trying to control him.

[Pegases]

We all have different needs in relationships in order to be happy. The five love languages helped me realize that. But what your girlfriend needs seems to stem from insecurity, and immaturity. That being said, if she gives you everything you want such as sex, feminine essence, healthy amount of clingy or whatever it is that floats your boat, then it's not unreasonable to meet her where she needs to be met. It's give and take, so if your needs are being met, a convo a week shouldn't be that much to ask for. All great relationships come with compromise.

[Asad1ONE1]

Sex is not something you give. It happens together.

[Pegases]

@Asad1ONE1 clearly... By sex I'm referring to frequency.

[Asad1ONE1]

Same thing. Not gender specific. Can't believe this is 2023 and many people still are victims of outdated myths.

[Pegases]

@Asad1ONE1 no one said anything about it being gender specific.

[hahahmm]

If you want to be a traditional man with backbone, the correct response is to tell her that she needs a girlfriend or other woman to talk to... that you are a man & can't be expected to do everything she wishes or to behave in ways she things would be best for her. If that's not good enough then she's welcome to become lesbian and go find a woman to be with. Sometimes the harsh truth is better than 10,000 words.

Check out my mytakes.

[Asad1ONE1]

This isn't a gender specific issue lol

[hahahmm]

@Asad1ONE1 Why don't you worry about your own opinions.

[CubsterShura]

Different people, different needs. I can't imagine even being friends let alone girlfriend with someone who does not satiate my intellect. Sure, there is a right time and place for them, but I like being surrounded by smart people.

Now, on the other hand, it is her responsibility to also initiate. Because if she's not willing to do it then it just seems like she is not willing to take responsibility for her needs and desires. Let her know that you are happy to discuss any topic she has on her mind, but it is unfair that the responsibility of coming up with topics is you.

[Asker]

I love intelligent conversations also, but most of the conversations she wants to have are about emotions and showing vulnerability. I do not mind doing this some of the time but I cannot initiate it most of the time. Its exhausting!

[CubsterShura]

Emotions and vulnerability aren't necessarily bad topics. Maybe she's looking for more heart-to-heart conversation and finds it emotionally intimate. That could be why she is expecting you to initiate.

[Anonymous]

You have to be cold with this move really let her know exactly the truth that it annoys you. If she doesn’t change or makes it worst then leave her. Until she comes to her senses.
Tell your girlfriend in a relationship you have to adopt with each other thoughts etc meaning for example -if she knows that’s not your favorite thing to do or talk she needs to adopt to it quickly if possible. Because if not it means she isn’t the one why? Because she doesn’t understand you. That’s a good reason to break up actually an important reason.

[DermalPunch]

No, she is a very girl girl and doesn't understand men that well.

I can't say I have a solution but that's what it is

Maybe explain you're a dude and shoot her some articles she can read that explain that men don't process things through and emotional filter like women do.

Explain you're a man and if she wants to know how much you care look at your actions! Not your words.

[Asad1ONE1]

You're 38 and still don't know that you don't understand men or women. You understand people.

[DermalPunch]

@Asad1ONE1 so men and women are the same.

[Asad1ONE1]

People are all different, but yes, there are gender specific differences.

The only REAL differences in the genders are the narratives, double standards, sexism and life experiences that affect gender specific thought patterns and behaviors and insecurities.

It's all "nurture". And that's different enough.

Reality is something else: everyone is different.

Spiritually we are all equal.

[DermalPunch]

@Asad1ONE1 OK.

[hahahmm]

@Asad1ONE1 BS. Researchers went to the middle of the jungle and found young wild apes. They tossed a bunch of human toys on the ground and the make apes chose the toy cars while the female apes chose the dolls to hug & comfort. A lot of you need to stop spouting something because it makes you feel better and deal with facts all around us. There's many examples of males and female biological differences influencing their behavior too.

[hahahmm]

*male apes --- stupid phone.

[DermalPunch]

@hahahmm yeah wasn't worth arguing such an absurd point.

[cherryxox99]

Sounds like you guys dont vibe well.

I used to date some guy who asked me why im laughing at my own jokes. It made me sad for a while that we werent compatible (i realised it later on), even though he might be a good man/potential partner.

True love doesn't make you walk on eggshells, it makes you feel comfortable around each other. Did you tell her how it made you feel? If yea, what did she say?

[Asker]

I told her that I felt like I was walking on eggshells, that I felt like I was expected to always come up with things to talk about and communicate in a way that pleased her. Failure to do so often ends in an argument about how I don't care about her needs. I actually fear talking to her knowing that most of the time I am going be criticised. She has trust issues from her childhood but it seems like she always need reassuring and its bloody exhausting!

[loveslongnails]

Are you supposed to know WHAT she wants to talk about too? LOL And exactly when? She needs to grow up and stop that passive/aggressive bullshit. It's a ploy for attention, and she's "working you". This isn't a good sign at all, and a harbinger of things to come. Consider cutting your loses if she can't work this through with you.

[Asad1ONE1]

Yes many people desire an emotional connection and desire similar views by discussing their thoughts. You guys don't seem that compatible.

The problem is that she expects you too lead which is wrong because unfortunately (and fortunately!), people aren't mind readers.

Conversations and emotional support are a two-way street. I desire this too.

[cloud9vortex1234]

I honestly would be more focused on putting my time elsewhere. That has to be zapping energy away from other activities. To top it off, she doesn't even seem to be lifting a finger when it comes to starting the conversations she craves. If she wants the Deep Conversations bad enough then she should be able to engage more then you. It's not like you have a need for this.

[LazerBean]

No it does not sound reasonable, and furthermore I would say that if you and the other person are not on the same page about such types of communication then you might need to go ahead and find someone who is more compatible with you in that area.

[Anemone978]

If you are walking on eggshells you are not a good fit for each other.. it just won't work when you keep feeling that way... she seems a bit much...

[WindAtMyBack]

Sounds like someone with an entitled princess syndrome.

She's also willful as hell and walking all over you. Put a stop to it.

[Asad1ONE1]

Yes only the "expecting him to take the lead" part. Conversations are a two-way street.

[spartan55]

Wow, she sounds like a real prize. So what is SHE doing to meet your needs. I will guess not a damn thing.

[boggboss]

Sorry are u ok why would u be with someone eho states this is what they ant or need and then get upset that u don't want to do this

[Zayed_]

My advice is to never complain to people about your relationship because that wouldn’t solve everything.

You need to realize that your girl is sensitive and she can’t change that, it’s either you accept that or move on.

[Zayed_]

Anything *

[SnowedIn]

To have the need is reasonable; for the burden to be on you is not.

[Chazmatazz269]

If it’s her need, then it’s her responsibility to conduct the conversation. End of story.

[rabbitzzz]

Maybe both of you should go to an expert therapist.

[Asker]

I suggester couples therapy but she basically told me our relationship was not worth it. Tells me all I need to know.

[Anonymous]

Ohh hell no. I dated a guy who was like that. I left him.

[KrakenAttackin]

She sounds exhausting.