Advice on trusting my boyfriend and not losing my sanity all the time?

[Cass510]

Hey everyone, I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. From what I know he is a great guy. We have such a great time and I’ve never had a question where he was or what he was doing meaning he always told me or he called me to let me know I’m hanging with friends this jobs taking longer than usual, etc.. I have had trust issues coming into this relationship and he has been incredibly patient and kind don’t get me wrong. He is definitely tired of my crap but he has stuck by me because I know he really loves me. We had a super rough time in the beginning of our relationship, and I’ve always wondered if he cheated on me during that time and I have asked him and he’s told me that he wouldn’t cheat on me and that he loves me he would just leave and then he’s giving me chances to change because he knows I’m a great person I can’t help but to this day always question things he tells me. For example, he’s been going to school for construction technology so he can get his electrician card. He’s been going to school for a couple semesters now always at night because he works during the day. This class is on a Friday and it goes from 5 to 9 and even though I know he’s been going to school and this timeframe is nothing new I can’t help but think he’s lying and hanging out with another girl. No nothing is making it seem that way. he always calls me after class. He calls me before class and he seems happy with me. He lets me look at his phone even though he absolutely hates it but I still have doubts and I know it kills him because he trust me and he loves me, but I just can’t do the same. I think a lot about the past and times where we weren’t doing well and wonder if he was doing things behind my back when he was at all these Business interviews when he was a part of an entertainment crew where he had to work with ladies and went to lunch with them after the wedding shoot a question so many things, even though he’s told me about every single one, any advice?

[quaranta]

That sounds extreme, personally I would never be able to endure even 2 months of a partner like you, and I had one (needing to check my phone, needing to call before and after appointments, making me feel monitored etc), but your partner managed for 4 whole years, which is really insane to imagine, the effort he put there is outstanding. So I think now it's time for you to put your part of the effort, afterall the problem is mostly yours and love or not, after a while a partner gets completely burnt out from that because your trust issues throw him constant indirect accusations, it's like if you keep him constantly under threat of an overreaction or a punishment (passive aggressive or not) and of course this makes him feel insulted and walk on eggshells all the time and to invest a lot of stress and emotive energy in that, daily. This feeling of tension and constant fear of your potential emotional crisis he has to stay aware of, is definitely very overwhelming for anyone and on the long run it can kill his interest in you. Maybe he won't cheat, but he might break up at some point, understandably.

Understand the nature of a cheater: people who cheat are also liars in general, they lie about other big things too, and especially have most likely cheated already before, on their exes.
Now, all people see attractive people around and might enjoy looking at them for a couple of times, but that doesn't mean anything because usually, after that time, they forget about them and would not indulge in getting personal with them or any flirt of any sort. Just looking, thinking "wow", proceeding to think about something else, and eventually forgetting about them. This happens all the time for most people, probably to you too. And you can see that from this stage to actually get to flirt successfully with that person and actually cheating, there are several layers of conscious decisions, it's not like you sexually assault a person in an office or on the street but the whole thing develops by steps, where there are a lot of chances to decide to say "no" to.
Said that, you can very well imagine that a responsible person usually would first manage the current relationship (breaking it up), before opening to new potential partners or to flirt casually with others, or would instead work on fixing the relationship, as is able to say "no" at the right steps. While a cheater wants to get the maximum benefit from anything and wants to avoid dealing with a breakup or any responsibility in the relationship. So the difference is in how responsible/mature they are, basically.
If your boyfriend stayed with you for 4 years it means he is very responsible I think and I doubt he would cheat unless he did that with his ex already, so what you should be careful about is if he gets fed up and breaks up with you, not cheating. So it's important you put more effort in overcoming this issue, and if in 4 years of patience you didn't get any improvement alone, you probably need therapy for this, or counseling, anyway an external help.
If you overcome trust issues you'll be able to offer him finally a proper connection in your relationship and he will be slowly able to trust you too (about not having to stay always on alert, slowly gaining again some freedom from all the mental load, with no worries, trusting you won't get triggered).

[quaranta]

And other than that, with this constant threat behind, he might actually get "forced" to hide some details because scared of your reactions even if things are innocuous, and that will fuel your fears even more and so on in a loop. So all the solution of this issue starts from solving your trust issues really.

[dynamicyandere]

If he has a clean track record and he hasn’t done anything that proves or strongly suggests he’s cheating, it’s best to just put your trust in him for the time being. Because, that’s the only way that the relationship can thrive.


Trust is a must.


You may feel like it’s a risk, but it’s a risk you’re going to need to take if you want to be with someone. To be close to someone requires trust. And, trust creates vulnerability. But, it’s the only way for a relationship to work. Trust and integrity on both sides.

[chicosuave]

tbh i wish i had a girl that cared for me like that. that jealous me and monitors me. It makes me feel desirable but i had an ex girlfriend who was over jealous and she took it a bit too far and in the end i was getting repulsed by it. she even stalked me at night. i just realized that. Anyways the best way to becoming less insecure is try and get busy yourself. join hobbies, find a job or join social clubs, events etc etc but stay busy.

[Guy13]

Get rid of boyfriend and keep sanity.