I’m nervous I’m possibly going to tell my wonderful friend/coworker tomorrow that I have a crush on him? Tips?

Question

I’ve been feeling like lately life is too short to wait around and hold back from your feelings.. my friend recently lost her grandma, time has been going by really fast this year in 2023, and I’ve been feeling it consciously with my intuition about a lot of life lessons. I’ve known this guy since November of 2022 but since beginning/middle of February we started talking and knowing one another more. He’s 33, I’m 24 but the age gap doesn’t bother me, he’s been confusing me for some time whether or not he could like me but you never know what tomorrow can bring so I don’t wanna feel like I never tried. Any tips or input?

quaranta · Accepted Answer

I can give you an advice about  how  you should confess. I think this aspect is always understimated because we tend to believe our targets have already made their mind up, and they either have feelings already or not, while the truth is they most likely are in "maybe" but didn't have time or enough inputs to actually start picturing anything else. And the way you confess can make this "maybe" become more like a yes or a no. Consider, also, that men receive less direct approaches than women and so the fact you are approaching him is already a bold chance, regardless, because he would at least think and consider, not automatically reject. The only cases where it's not is when he already spotted you are desperately into him and desperation did put him off already and he had the time to figure he doesn't want you; or, he is already taken. I can tell you my last experience: I confessed to the guy who is my current partner, and I did it in a confident and serene way, not taxing, not desperate, mild but very direct. He was a friend already and we talked quite often, so I asked him via text what he was going to do in the evening, he replied nothing and asked why, and I told him that's because I'm going to sabotage his evening, telling him in the previous week I started to feel cozy about him and specifying how this is only a feeling and not a desire to build anything yet, but that I wanted to be honest and that we should have a call to navigate this for a moment. He accepted, and in some days his brain rewired itself: while he had a crush on another woman, he suddenly didn't have it anymore and became really attracted to me all of a sudden. He said what happened made him feel all "intoxicated" of me. While before that I was just a friend for him, although good looking for his tastes. The key here was to not look desperate and to not look like I had an agenda behind, big fantasies and plans or stuff (well, I didn't have them for real in fact). Because that scares people away, it makes them feel suddenly like "guilty", like having a duty on your regard, like if you have a problem they didn't ask for, that they have to fix, to not make you suffer (as in, to not make your fantasies collapse, which they didn't even know to be included in before). That can drive people away. Show him your feelings in a confident and serene way, showing you know what you want, and that there is no suffering or negativity behind, no strong hopes that he has to refill (and no demotivation either). Just a woman who shows some interest in a man because she appreciates him and behaves like she is aware of what she can offer to men (not clinging to what she can get from them). Independent and positive. And don't demand an answer right away, don't look emotional. Propose a coffee with him somewhere at the end of the conversation, scheduled maybe for the next weekend, while he has some days to think about it. If you're not pushy or desperate he will feel like he has all the space to figure things out and to picture how things could be with you, while maybe he didn't consider it much before. It's important he has some days of peace granted without feeling any pressure, to make the "maybe" more like a "yes". Pressure, desperation and getting too emotional/dramatic/insecure, would make it go more towards a "no".

CelestialDaisy · Accepted Answer

aww I love this just go for it! I did once and I’m glad I did, he didn’t feel the same but it saved me from wasting time on someone who didn’t feel the same. I’m your case I wish you all the best, try to get him alone somewhere private and just take some deep breaths and tell him what you feel. Either way you won’t regret it, best of luck!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

First of all, it's great that you want to be honest with your friend/coworker about your feelings. Here are some tips that may help:

1. Choose the right time and place: It's important to choose a time and place where you both feel comfortable and have privacy to have a conversation. Make sure you have enough time to talk without feeling rushed or interrupted.

2. Be honest and clear: When you share your feelings, be honest and clear about what you are feeling and why. Express your feelings in a way that is respectful and considerate of their feelings as well.

3. Be prepared for any response: Remember that your friend/coworker may not feel the same way, and it's important to be prepared for any response. If they don't feel the same way, try to be understanding and respectful of their feelings.

4. Respect their boundaries: If your friend/coworker doesn't feel the same way, respect their boundaries and give them space if needed. It's important to maintain a respectful and professional relationship in the workplace.

5. Take care of yourself: Sharing your feelings can be nerve-wracking, so make sure you take care of yourself before and after the conversation. Practice self-care and reach out to friends or a therapist for support if needed.

Remember, it's important to be honest with yourself and with others about your feelings. Good luck with your conversation!

Here's an example of what you could say:

"Hey [friend/coworker's name], I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind. I've been feeling like lately life is too short to hold back from our feelings, and I wanted to be honest with you. I've developed feelings for you and I was wondering if you feel the same way. If you don't, that's okay and I respect your feelings, but I just wanted to put it out there and see if there's a chance for something more between us. I value our friendship and our working relationship, so if you don't feel the same way, I hope we can still continue to work together and be friends."

caring__1 · Accepted Answer

People tend to go about this backward. They start by declaring their feelings before they even know how the other person defines a relationship. This tends to lead to awkwardness for both, if the other doesn't have the same feelings.

Since you're already talking, point out the relationships you observe in the workplace. Ask him his thoughts on what he sees as the challenges and beauty they are facing. Ask him what he's learned from his past relationships and how he feels about relationships. Ask him under what conditions would he want to be in another relationship.

If his responses lead you to believe he is open to this topic, you can dig a little deeper by learning how the concept of relationships have developed over time. Here are more questions you can explore together:

When you were young (8-10 years old) and saw people in relationships, what did you believe were the reasons they chose to be in those relationships?

After you had relationship experiences of your own, how did that picture change?

What did you discover about yourself and potential partners as a result of your relationship experiences?

What did you learn from your relationship experiences?

What changes did you make in yourself as a result of that acquired knowledge?

What would be your reason for wanting to be in a relationship? In other words, what can you get from being in a relationship that you can't get by not being in a relationship?

What do you expect of a partner in a relationship?

What can a partner expect of you in a relationship?

Relationship-wise, how do you see your life 20 years from now?

Still-alive · Answer

If this is the Gay guy all ill say is you can go ahead and try telling him but... if things get awkward at work with him after just brace yourself for that possibility. I was in that situation before where i crushed on a coworker. i told her my feelings but she liked someone else and then from then on she wouldn't talk to me normally again. and i had no choice but to keep working and seeing her there... then see the guy she liked come to work and see them embrace each other lol...

anyways. yeah good luck and if you can handle all this if this ends up being your situation by all means go for it. then again maybe it will be ok and he won't avoid you like my crush did.

mobiusforniner · Answer

I'll keep this brief. If this is a job you care about and want to remain employed; your proposal is a very bad idea. Having confessed feelings to a coworker, I can tell you the situation becomes very awkward, HR will get involved and in most cases (including mine) the woman gets the short end of the stick because she's perceived as letting her emotions take priority over her professional performance.

Just don't.

MisterBader · Answer

I'm in a similat situation. I have a crush on a woman I work with. I am hesitating about dating her though because I had one experience dating a co worker that went so bad, I had to find another job. I don't mean to discourage you, but just want to point out the possible downside. Things would probably work out much better for you and I hope they do.

SnowedIn · Answer

BEST WISHES! Good for you for seizing the moment. Don't do it at work Don't make it a long speech Maybe do it as a coffee or drink after work? Don't push him into a corner to respond

Bricealan · Answer

You are not alone. When younger, (29) I was crazy about a girl at work who was 25. She and I had 'played' at work and after work, but she had a boyfriend. I was too chicken to tell her that I liked her a lot, and let that slip away.

bowenw · Answer

I suggest taking it slow in case he doesn't feel the same way towards you. For example invite him to join you for lunch or coffee so you can get to know him better and hopefully determine how he feels about you.

SawerBrown · Answer

Don't play your whole hand. Just raise the anti and see how he reacts.

I’m nervous I’m possibly going to tell my wonderful friend/coworker tomorrow that I have a crush on him? Tips?

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