What do you do when your boyfriend is depressed and unhappy with life?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend says he has always seen life as redundant, but after his grand mother died he really started thinking that more. He says things like he doesn't see the point in doing things if you're just going to die anyway. I talk about cool things I want to try with him and at times he seems excited about them and at other times he is not excited. His insecurities are also showing more. He is self conscious about his body, health and receding hair line and makes self hatred comments sometimes. I tell him that I think he's handsome and that I love so many things about him. But he often dismisses it. Lately with his bad mood he says things like he doesn't need hugs and affection. I have not been smothering him with these things so I don't know why he says it. He also has been hurt in all his past relationships and sometimes I feel like I'm paying for all the girls before me that treated him bad and disrespected him. He said he was going to go to the doctors to get his health checked out and he was going to look into therapy. I don't know how I should handle the situation? He seems depressed. Should I just give him his space and stop calling and texting him. Should I let him come to me? What is the best way to deal with this situation?

[lightbulb27]

You are a saint, please send in your application. At a minimum, you are a caregiver to a guy that has some early life trauma.

I can only guess the losses he faced, like parents maybe? His behavior would have caused other less empathetic girls to ditch him and abuse him, not saying it's all his fault or theirs.

So yea... he needs to own it since he's an adult. Life... is a choice. I can list many things to change, and that is what is required.

* Find God/Christ. If that's hard, start with reading spirituality for dummies! He needs to practice love, hope, faith and putting his attention towards other peoples problems instead of his own, somewhat.

* Change diet. Find the allergens and remove, cut the junk foods/sugar, it feels the gut. The gut controls the brain.

* Address the trauma wounds in his heart, recognize their power influencing him and release them. Replace with positive messages, hope. Many ways to do this. Watch Tony Robbins video for motivation, visit a therapist, watch videos/read books, pray to God, write, join Jewelneverbroken, etc..

* Exercise and meditate...

* Develop good behaviors instead of reinforcing bad ones.

* Look for natural therapies.

Otherwise... he's toast and will be buried. that's reality... Wounds control, his wound is sadness. These should be the "good" days for you two, life actually gets hard at times.

I applaud you for being patient and helping him work through his stuff.

[Asker]

How do I control how I feel? It upsets me. I try not to take it personally but it makes me feel a certain way. When he acts like this it starts to turn me off. It irritates me. It makes me want to be distant. I get turned off and then I don't want to be affectionate, have sex or open up. It makes me want to close up. What do I do when I feel this way. or what do I do so I won't feel this way?

[lightbulb27]

Just be happy in your own self. There is no way around your feelings shutting down intimacy. Who would want to risk reproduction in that environment? nobody... your reaction is normal.
he needs to get his stuff together, to own it, find mentors, thapists, coaches, etc..
I know female married to a guy, he wasn't like that early on but became that way and she stayed with him. But you aren't married... you have choice to stay or go.

[Asker]

Thank you, I didn't know if my reaction was normal or not. But I see what you mean. I do love him and overall he is a decent man. I know he's going through a lot and has been through a lot. I don't want to just give up on him. Should I try to help him find therapists, mentors, and resources to help manage his thoughts and emotions? Or should I let him do it all by himself?

[lightbulb27]

I think you are very normal. This is not an easy task. Yes you can encourage and help, for when someone is down, it's hard to find way up. It may be more difficult for you to help him because people resist those close to them.

* He needs to see value and purpose in life, to have hope, dreams, to live fully in the moment, to have meaning out of his life. His wounds occurred at younger ages. He was traumatized.
The answers to me are in getting his world view right... e. g. find God. That to me is Christianity, but he can start reading Spirituality for Dummies. He has to want it, can't force it. Christianity pumps a lot of the messages above which are essential to the human heart. Other beliefs focus on wisdom... anything that feeds the good will help.
* He was traumatized. So he can do trauma therapy. Therapy is a start. It's obvious how this stuff works... look up Erickson Clark chart for developmental stages. This helps to go and find the wounds, when they occurred, and then work on healing those wounds by Gods love, speaking truth into the lies he believed about them and establishing new thought patterns by practicing good habits/thoughts rather than bad. It's all just programming... beliefs. Again, that gets back to Christianity to me... what you believe... sets you free.
* Group therapy could be very helpful.
* Journaling. Something easy to do he can do on his own.
* Joun Jewelneverbroken, to socialize with others in a forum to better self
* Tony Robbins - e. g. motivational speakers.
* Lastly - cut out all the garbage media, social trauma, etc.. Replace it with things that feed the soul, whatever that is. Rescue some animals, change a childs life fort he better. hand a dollor to a poor person. Find some meaning in life! And repeat repeat.

the journey is yours! you are a good girlfriend and a good person. lmk if you need more help or want to talk.

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I do want to talk and I think I need more help. I want to say more but I think it would be better in a private message.

[lightbulb27]

sounds fine, lmk

[Anonymous]

It's his conditioning. That's problem. He has conditioned him to be sad, probably over his whole life. You should leave him now. I know you aren't going to do that but I'm saying it because I want you to understand conditioning doesn't get better unless you alter it. It will get worse if you don't alter it.

Get him to write down on a piece of paper who he wants to be and then he needs to start living that way. That's how he will shift his conditioning. It won't feel natural at first but he needs to do it anyway. Or you can go talk to someone for years to shift their conditioning but it's gonna take way longer. We live on three planes. The intellectual level, emotional level, and physical level. He needs to change on all 3 levels. His self-image needs to change most of all.

What's happening is he has conditioned himself to be sad. There is subconscious activity activating itself at will making him feel and do what he does. On top of that he is using his higer mentality faculties to reenforce his conditioning even further. Keep thinking negative and see where it gets you 5 years from now. He will self sabotage your whole relationship because he isn't in harmony with it. He doesn't believe he deserves love. That's why he rejects the good things you say and is current self sabotaging. He doesn't know that on a conscious level but it is true. If you don't grow life will get boring and redundant. Get him to stay becoming who he wants to be.

Don't get him on drugs. All the drugs are going to do is numb him out or get the subconscious activity to do what he can make it do himself using his higher faculties. He needs to take conscious control over his mind long enough for his paradigm to alter. That is all. He needs to stop letting the outside control how he feels and thinks. You can think whatever you want. The nervous system doesn't know the difference from what's seemingly real or imagined. That's why humans love movies.

Anyway gl.

[KAYJJAY]

I honestly used to be like that... It is really helpful if you give him space but also let him know that you are always there for him. You're going to want to tell him that you don't completely understand everything that he is going through but if he needs someone that you would love to help him. Keep telling him that he is handsome and that you love him. When he says that he doesn't need hugs/affection what he most likely means is that 1 he doesn't think that he is worth them or 2 he wants to feel like a piece of crap. You can tell him that you know that he doesn't "need" them but everyone wants to feel loved and cared for. If he does look into therapy then great! If not then he probably isn't ready for it yet. Know that it is not your fault that other girls have hurt him in the past, but you can let him know that you understand. (A lot of guys don't like talking about there feelings though so you don't have to talk to him about anything that you think might bother him or that you would rather not do)

[KAYJJAY]

(hope this helps lmk)

[Asker]

Yea I'm feeling that giving him space is the best thing to do.

[AMS700CX4u2]

Give him his space. I would hate to think he is manipulating you, This is something he has to fix, you can't.

[Asker]

Do you think he’s manipulating me, and why? Yes I realize I can’t fix him. I will give him some space and pray for him.

[AMS700CX4u2]

People will sometimes play the wounded card to receive extra attention, or to get their peers to agree to something that they would not consider otherwise. Just a possibility, Kids do it all the time.

[mommymommy]

My mom uses drugs for her depression. They've kept her from suicide

[Asker]

Do you think he might need medication?

[mommymommy]

That's usually the case with depression

[Anonymous]

Find new boyfriend...
Stay away from drama n headache

[LazerBean]

I wouldn't have a boyfriend like that.