Girlfriend's way of showing affection makes me want to be less affectionate?

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing this girl now for 6 months. Everything seems to be going okay. Something that has been bothering me is that she has a strange way of showing her affection towards me.. or at least it's change. In the beginning she was very flirtatious, complimenting me, and making me feel good. Now she responds to my messages very late (I know because I see her active on social media but she isn't responding to me).. it doesn't make me feel good. It makes me not want to be very affectionate with her. I've also noticed that she just isn't as affectionate as she used to be and it makes me feel one sided and I don't like that.

Should I just stop being affectionate towards her and see what happens? I don't think this is manipulation because I just don't feel like acting this way towards her if I won't get it back. I'm not saying that she isn't being affectionate towards me but it just.. isn't on the same level.. So I figure I'll just pull back.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this. Thanks for taking the time to read this and have a great day :)

[shades777]

At least your realizing you have a love language that you prefer, finding the right woman can take time.
Maybe talk to her see why she's not as affectionate as before.

[Asker]

Thank you. It's a tricky thing to bring up because I feel like she's up one day and down the next. I don't like pushing the whole relationship thing. She's kinda like.. if the relationship is good, that's great.. but if it isn't then she's not willing to work towards it being good.

[shades777]

sounds like your playing it by ear, nothing wrong with that but it kind it sounds like you wish there was some consistency on her part

[Asker]

You hit the nail on the head my friend. I have been playing it by ear. One day she likes me and wants to have a life with me and other days, I don't think that I have a place in her life. She struggles with her own mind sometimes. I'm not sure what to make of everything. I'm going to be completely honest with you. We started off as friends and have been doing LD and I'm set to fly over to where she is in a little over a month but I can't really make heads or tails of anything. She tells me that she doesn't want to start over with someone new and doesn't want to let me go.. but I don't feel that on her part. What to do, what to do. I really like this girl but it's been causing me a lot of pain and has slowly but surely make me take my feelings into question.. it's weird because the last guy she was with did this to her and now it's like she's doing it to me.

[shades777]

there's a few ways to approach this, I've dated a few women I thought I would move to be with but life had a different path for me, perhaps thats your path, on the other hand maybe you like her enough to risk it all.

when it feels like it won't happen, it becomes wishful thinking, and to that perhaps its better to let it go.

Whatever you decide its more important than you map out what you want for your life since by default you are the leader, the way i see it...
the man creates the framework and the woman manages the state, and thats how both parties find happiness asynchronously.

All in all, whatever happens this happened for you not to you

[shades777]

I remember this woman i dated when i didn't have my life together and she to me was everything i wanted physically and sexually although there was somethings i wasn't fond of, long story short she ended up leaving me because according to her sister and mom I wasn't good enough and they were kind of right and wrong, i had my own place but no car, and my place didn't have any furniture so that didn't help either but i didn't make enough to take care of her and me, she had a job but quit for whatever reason, which made things way harder.
So her leaving was good and bad, allowed me to save up some money, but also realized she wasn't a team player since ahe quit her job, I miss her but then again I don't. It happened for me not to me, she went on to become a marine and i became a software developer

[Asker]

That's a very beautiful way of putting it, am I I willing to risk it all to be with this woman? She's a flawed person (who isn't).. but the fact that so many of them are shining through and we don't even spend time together in person? I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. She's repeatedly told me that she feels like I can do much better than her and that I'm "perfect". She's just a really amazing girl but her past is weighting her down tremendously. The really unfortunate thing is, she is I think that I'm going to spending this week and the entirety of May figuring that out. When it feels like it won't happen it becomes wishful thinking.. that's beautiful too. I feel like if she was just more consistent with me then we would live an amazing life together. I truly do love everything else about her. What you're saying is very true, I am the leader and I need to focus on making sure that everything in my life is straight and I think that me and her should have a serious conversation about whether we truly do see a life together, I don't want for things to just be on a whim. I just don't like the idea of having conversations like that with her.. like I said, she can be very sporadic. You're right as the man I need to the lay the framework.. I feel like she's taken a lot of hand (power) from me because it feels as though I care more about us being together than she does (that's nearly always a recipe for disaster, or at least manipulation). Can you please explain what you mean by that? It happened for me and not to me? I understand that if something bad were to come of this then that's my fault because ultimately was the one who allowed this person to enter my life and I was the one who was willing to drastically change my life for this person.

[Asker]

.. wait.. it's really strange. As I type this out.. It's hard to believe that I'm doing so much for a person who isn't consistent with me in hopes that things will be better in person.. I dunno. This is a tough one. Sometimes it's so much stress that you kinda just wish it was all over or if the person would just act right.

[shades777]

The phrase,"it happens for you not to you" means that the things in your life are a accumulation to what amounts as your destiny, the experiences you have today serve as the foundation of what's to come tomorrow, and it almost never makes sense looking forward, think of the things you did to arrive to this point in time, happenstance, purely coincidence?
Or does opportunity and preparation actually allign.
A gut feeling is a indication of what the present you wants for your future. Although just a feeling.

The thing is this, whatever your destined for will manifest almost effortlessly as if your Moses parting the Red Sea.

[Asker]

As a man you are expected to have a lot going for yourself and it’s understandable, like you said men set the framework and women work on keep stability. Dating when you don’t have everything in order can be difficult because not many women are willing to go through the building process with you. I commend you for acknowledging that they had a point. It’s hard when a person leaves your life because as much as we would want to blame them for everything going to shambles or for the way they made us feel, they also have their good traits that we have a hard time letting go of. I think the girl that I’m with right now is extremely beautiful inside and out and it would hurt me a lot to see her leave. I would like to believe that everything happens for a reason but that doesn’t align with my beliefs. I do think that we can use everything that happens to use as a force for good, ya know finding the silver lining but I can’t say that things not working out with her would have a net positive.

[shades777]

I think although you may be unsure, I think you have a can do attitude.

Ultimately you can be successful in putting your heart on the line and making that trip... making the move to go be with her will save you from whats known as the pain of regret, one of the most painful things in life is "what could have been" especially if you consider her to be a one of a kind girl.

Thats what I would have told my younger self.

You can't put a price on a woman that completes you, you may oray not find another like her.

[Asker]

That's true. I consider her a one of a kind girl. I don't think that I'd ever be able to find another girl like her every again and I don't want to sit around thinking.. "what if". I am a man of faith so I going to be taking this into prayer and see what answer I get back. I think you're right about that.. You can't really put a price on a woman that's everyone you could have wanted in a life partner.

[shades777]

let her know how special she is by showing her your a man of action and conviction

[Asker]

I feel like up until this point I have always been a man of word when it comes to her. I try my best to follow through with everything that I say to her. I feel like only time will tell whether this is the right decision to make or not (or seeking out the answer through prayer). My biggest worry or doubt about going is that I may end up putting too much pressure on here OR that she might get upset with me and tell me that me coming was a mistake. I don't think I would be able to recover from that. It seems like something that she would say if she was upset because she's said similar things in the heat of the moment.

[shades777]

in the meantime yoy can always just focus on your goals, women love a man on a mission

[Asker]

You're preaching to the choir here brother. I greatly appreciate you sharing this with me. You're very right, women love a man that is focused on something that is other than her. I want to become the best that I can be and focusing on her isn't going to do that. I think that working too hard to impress a woman can lead to your downfall in life. Right now I just feel like I'm trying to survive but I feel like with the next month or so I'll be able to change things around. Especially with the help of Christ.