How to know if you are actually in the wrong during an argument?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend had an disagreement last night over me planning to spend the holiday Saturday night with my friend.
He was saying that he felt upset as to the fact that I didn’t ask him First if he wanted to do something and then talk about plans. Which is something I've never experienced with anyone nor do I still understand now the argument has passed. I didn’t think there would be an issue as I planned to spend Sunday and Monday with him as I thought he would prefer those days over me doing something with my friend on the Sunday. But he was saying that I didn’t think about him and just instantly thought of my friends first when I knew a bank holiday was coming up. I still can’t wrap my head around it to be honest but I don’t see the point in bringing it up again because he is very strong opinionated. What do you do when someone is saying you are in the wrong when you can’t understand how or why it was wrong?

[MrWolf]

Let me try to explain this. Imagine being a guy who has a girlfriend and each time he has a free time he has to inform her before certain amount of time so they can make plans for said weekend or whatever there will be.

How a mind of a man works here. We work, exercise and do our hobby stuff stuff etc in a limited time span because if we have a special someone besides us all our free time goes to that person. So it's expected and needed of use to give 110% of our time to that person. How do we manage either magic or I don't know really but we do. Sure we make mistakes and are blamed half the time for everything. But do we complain nope do we argue nope.

Yet a woman mind doesn't work like this. Because why would they bother to counslt us on something as we are expected to know and understand beforehand. Then we have to read minds and if we don't we are the bad people.

So said girl has a holiday and what she decides is to spend it with a friend? Not with your special someone but a friend. And it's not even discussed nor mantioned beforehand? Why because it's simple to ignore the fact that someone might be upset.

Now imagine if your boyfriend probably was making plans to take you somewhere or maybe do something special just the two of you. Yet was waiting at the last moment to surprise you.

How would he feel if even tough you two are a couple yet for your decisions his opinion ain't important at all. Yet if he does something like this it will be hell on earth if he didn't inform you early about it.

Even tough he voiced his opinion on the matter and you still don't get why he is upset. I wonder why. That guy truly must love you to put up with this behaviour.

Now I am not trying to offend you or point finger just trying to explain something simple as when you aren't single anymore you do have to discuss everything with your partner in life.

[FilmGuy93]

Holidays are generally regarded as more special than normal week days, so I guess I can kind of understand where he's coming from. It really depends on the holiday, in your situation. Is it common practice for people to spend time with their more intimate relationships on the holiday in question? If so, then you're probably in the wrong.

In general, the way you know you're in the wrong with an argument is if what the person is saying makes sense on an intuitive level. Like, regardless of whether you actually agree with their conclusion, if you can follow their logic and understand/empathize with where they are coming from; you're probably in the wrong.

For example: if your boyfriend doesn't like you talking with "Y," and he tells you that he's not comfortable with you talking to "Y;" it doesn't really matter if you think "Y" is genuinely just a 1000% platonic friend because it still makes sense that your boyfriend would be upset if he finds out that you're still talking to "Y." He has indicated that this is a boundary for him, and you are willfully violating that boundary. It intuitively makes sense that someone would be upset about that.

[Blackcupcake]

well communication… if communication doesn’t work, then I do not know how that would work

[Sonorous]

Well, I believe that in such situations, there is no clear-cut delineation of right and wrong. Rather, we find ourselves in a space where the nuances of differing perspectives converge.

Your lover felt a certain unease at your omission to consult him prior to your planned excursion with your confidante. Meanwhile, you, in your judicious reasoning, believed that the time spent together on other days was sufficient. So, let us not concern ourselves with assigning culpability, for it is irrelevant.

What truly matters is the mutual understanding and respect that is fostered in the course of resolving such matters. Therefore, I implore you to communicate, to empathize, and to seek a resolution that is mutually beneficial.

And if an equitable compromise proves elusive, it may be wise to contemplate whether the individual in question is truly conducive to your well-being. 🧙🏿‍♂️