Why do some men and women let themselves go after marriage?

[sheikalana]

I've noticed that some people just stop carrying for themselves after getting married, gain a bunch of weight and just wear whatever. I'm married too and I recognize that there's a lot of things to do in the house, I'm a devoted wife but I wake up every morning and get ready even if I don't have any plans to leave the house. To me is important to always look good around my husband and he does the same too. I don't wear a bunch of makeup in the house and don't dress up but I also don't look like a trash bag. Could this be one of the reasons people loose interest in their partners?

[Peter_Penetrator]

This is why hot women tend to go for a guy with that “dad bod” when ready to settle down.


If a hot woman marries a hot dude with a six pack, then she must maintain herself as long as he does in order to keep him around.


So if a dude has that dad bod, she doesn’t have to work so hard at staying thin.


Once a guy marries, he no longer has the need to maintain himself either. Beer and watching sports makes a six pack grow to a thirty pack.


My ex wife did this exact thing. I am 5’ 6” and weighed 190 lbs when we married. She had a really, really nice figure.


She maintained that figure for about 5 years after we married. She then started nursing school a year and a half after we married and after that she began her nursing career, she started gaining weight. Of course in that same 5 years I started gaining it as well. After 10 years I weighed 220 lbs but not because I let myself go. I take anti depressants. She knew this before we married and I didn’t attend a gym or exercise. So my weight gain was predictable.


The reason my ex gained the weight is due to genetics. Also working 12 hr shifts as an LPN, she lost the motivation and energy levels.


By this time she knew l wasn’t going anywhere, there went her motivation.


She used her weight loss after divorcing her ex husband to find a new man. Eventually me. But because I wasn’t going anywhere, she no longer had the incentive to stay healthy. Even though her mother was overweight and had diabetes, this still wasn’t enough motivation for my ex to stay healthy.


I was thin all my life until my mid 20’s when I began taking anti depressants.


My ex and I have been divorced for two years now, and I presently weigh 185 lbs and I have even added a couple more anti depressants to my regimen. But I am also on thyroid meds to increase my thyroid levels which is dropping the pounds and I am also on testosterone therapy. I didn’t start dropping the weight until 2017. But not until I started the thyroid and testosterone did my weight finally drop lower than what it was 20 years ago.


So as my wife gained the weight, she didn’t take measures to lose it like I have due to my anti depressants being the cause of my weight gain.


So when people marry, their goals in life change. They begin to concentrate on other things other than their own health. We become busy with family and our careers. Because of that we neglect ourselves for the sake of building something as a couple.

[caring__1]

People assume putting forth effort is important to catch a partner, not to maintain a partnership. Once they're caught, people assume they're stuck and should put up with anything. Never win someone with bait and switch (ie going to college or joining a gym to meet higher quality potential partners, without any plan to continue the behavior throughout the relationship).

Some people also give up on putting forth an effort when they realize their expectations of marriage aren't being met. They very often decide "if you're not meeting my needs, then I see no reason to meet yours." This decision is often made unilaterally, with no prior communication. A relationship is a partnership; if you're not making decisions together, the relationship will be undermined.

The norm is another key factor. People want to be normal, even if normal is dysfunctional. I can't tell you how many women have told me it is normal for women to get fat as they get older. If I still ate like I did as a teenager (when I was 6' and weighed 110#), I wouldn't be able to get through doorways. Just because something is familiar, that doesn't mean it's either functional or necessary. I've realized it is a lot easier to maintain my present 6' & 155# than it is to gain and then lose weight.

[sheikalana]

I agree.

[Alli39]

Lives change. Some people simply don't have the time/energy to put towards their appearances as they did when they were young/had less responsibilities. Other people just don't care/never wanted to maintain themselves that way and if their spouse doesn't care too much then choose to refocus their efforts elsewhere. Moreover aging, pregnancy, etc can make staying in shape, etc much more difficult or disheartening so there has to be a shift to align with the reality of their bodies. Long as everyone's happy, I don't see an issue with the fact that this happens.

[Apple1996]

Some people just get comfortable in a marriage so they let themselves go. I don't see it as a big deal tbh. I'm not the same person I was back when I met my husband. I'd rather be comfortable and not feel pressure to look a certain way for him

[KingOfMe1]

Don't you want to give your husband the best of you though?

[Apple1996]

@KingOfMe1 being comfortable is the best version of me

[KingOfMe1]

I'm talking about your looks not everything else. Not talking about makeup and clothes and false looks.

[Apple1996]

@KingOfMe1 dont general looks would stay the same even if a person let themselves go? Our faces don't really change that much besides with age

[Anonymous]

There is a theory that cooming drains our 13th chakra which is the one tied to the sacred megajar in the Orgasmosphere. Makes sense if married couples coom a lot, they lose their connection to our Lord Orgasmos. On the other hand, asking for his permission first and collecting our coom in a jar strengthens our souls. ﾠ ﾠ

[dynamicyandere]

Perhaps it’s because their relationship goal was just to get married.


And now that they’re married, they aren’t putting in the same amount of effort since they’ve already reached their relationship goal.


For my significant other and I, we’re continually putting in effort into the relationship and working on being a better version of ourselves for each other.


Why?


Because our relationship goal isn’t to get married.


Our relationship goal is to have the most beautiful marriage we can have—not just the marriage ceremony, but all the days that follow.


If two people are actively trying to grow and nurture the most beautiful relationship they can have with each other, they aren’t going to stop putting in effort.


It takes continuous effort to continually grow closer to each other and continually better ourselves.

[sheikalana]

Love your comment! Me and my husband do exactly the same. The moment you stop making effort is a recipe for things to go the wrong way.

[dynamicyandere]

Thank you! 😊 And, exactly. I like to think of relationships as gardens that we need to tend to and nurture. If people purchase a garden but then never do any work to care for it or protect it, everything beautiful will eventually die. It’ll become desolate or riddled with weeds—nothing like how it was once before.

[Finchie40]

I wouldn’t expect my wife to make it her mission to l dress up for me every day , now if it made her happy that’s cool , but I wouldn’t expect it from her all the time , once in awhile, if her and I have plans to go somewhere then yes but to expect your partner to have to look good for them every day is silly , i would just want her to be herself and feel relaxed and happy , even if she put on some pounds , I would still love her and care about her , People that focus on looks are people that seek validation from other’s , when you are in love you shouldn’t need validation from anyone but your partner , people that make that their main focus are people that you can’t trust , those are the ones that cheat on each other and act like they have this perfect life when really they are Pieces of shit that only care about themselves and walk around like their shit don’t stink , I can’t stand people
That are that way , it’s like wake the fuck up no one gives a fuck lol

[nastyb]

because you don't have any kids. Just wait till you have 2-3 kids that you not only have to cooking, cleaning, bathing, tutoring your kids, put to sleep, bring to daycare, paying for daycare, feeding, working 8-9 hours a day. lets see how much time you have to do your makeup or design your wardrobe. once you have kids, the kids come first, not your pretty manicure or designing a 5 course meal for your husband. Marriage is about taking care of your family. Marriage is not dating 2.0 where you go on hot dates every night.

[nastyb]

not only this, women tend to gain weight after pregnancy. your looks will go downhill as you age. so if your husband won't stick by you just cuz you don't look 25 anymore... thats not good.

[Jamie05rhs]

You're 100% correct.

And why do they do it?
A culture of complacency, mediocrity, and sloth.

[sheikalana]

People get lazy and complacent as you said.

[Jamie05rhs]

@sheikalana Yes.

[sheenagwapa]

i don't think i will let myself go if i'm not poor...

[sheikalana]

And you shouldn't.

[Anemone978]

We don't have anyone to impress anymore.. so we can dress like shit and be comfortable around each other.. you don't need to like them anymore as long as you do enough so they won't leave you because no one will want them either lol

[strateguy632]

but if you frlt love for him, you want to make efforts, you write "you don't need to like them anymore" what about feeling love?

[sheikalana]

@strateguy632 Absolutely you still need to put some effort!

[Anemone978]

@strateguy632 I am totally taking the piss.. but yeah there still needs to be effort put in just not as much..

[HeartFullOfGlue]

Cause they generally have kids after and you end up focusing on your kid more and more and try to cut prices where they can. Trash food ends up being cheap a lot of the time and you get tired a lot so you end up not exercising. I don't know tho

[Anonymous]

It's their attitude toward health. They don't have a winning attitude toward their health or at least their appearance. Perhaps they don't even think much about it even.
They don't value it.

[sheikalana]

But they used to care about it before marriage.

[Opinion Owner]

The cause of behavior is attitude and focus. Your attitude around the idea of looking good for your husband and your attitudes around acting on that idea are what lead to your behavior.

I know that because you told us that in the post. If someone isn't taking care of their looks it's because of attitude or focus.

They're not working with an idea. Everything begins with an idea. From that point on it is turned over to your attitude toward that idea. If you have a nonchalant attitude toward the idea then it'll probably stop at this stage. If you're jazzed about the idea you then have to set up the right attitudes toward acting on the idea. That is part most people mess up on. They know what they want but they have negative attitudes toward implementation. Maybe they think it's too hard or maybe they think they don't have time. Such attitudes as those are negative in relation to the idea because they lead to not acting on the idea. Even if one is serious about the idea they can self sabotage themselves by having negative attitudes toward the implementation part. Basically that's the problem dieters are having. They aren't operating from the right attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Men often do because there's someone cooking for them and they'd rather bond than work out. Women often do because now they're cooking and cleaning for two and would rather bond. Also if they both have unhealthy eating habits to start with they combine

[Opinion Owner]

My partner can't even tell when I wear makeup lol. He'll come in when I'm stuck on the toliet. Idc about him dressing nice at home, just care to dress for the occasion. Honestly he's come at me with more sexual aggression when I'm dirty with a sloppy bun from cleaning all day than when I'm freshly showered In lingerie. I've also gained weight but we're both working together to be healthy. To each your own thogoodluck lol.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly also... I wonder how many of the men Commenting Also are still just as romantic and generous with their wives as they were from the start.

[Fireguy17]

they just get too comfortable.
Many women have to take care of the kids and then it is a time factor.
They just do not have any/much spare time at all.

[Anonymous]

Because they’re comfortable with their partner and don’t feel the need to dress to impress them anymore

[sheikalana]

I believe you should never take things for granted like that.

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t think that’s taking anything for granted at all…I think if two people in a relationship are comfortable with each other that they can dress how they want and eat how they want it’s a great thing. Having to dress up for someone and eat a certain way just to keep your partner interested seems sad.

[sheikalana]

It only seems sad until your partner leaves you for a better looking woman. I feel very comfortable around my partner otherwise I wouldn't have married him but just because I feel comfortable around him I don't see that as an excuse to stop carrying for myself.

[Opinion Owner]

Not dressing up everyday doesn’t mean you don’t care for yourself though. If I’m not going anywhere then I will stay in my pjs, doesn’t mean that I don’t care for myself in other ways. I like to eat junk food as well, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t eat healthy meals either. Just because someone chooses comfier clothes and chocolate doesn’t mean they have stopped caring for themselves.

[sheikalana]

If you read my post properly I said "I don't wear a bunch of makeup in the house and don't dress up but I also don't look like a trash bag." I don't dress up when I'm in the house either but I wear something comfy and cute not a PJ, I shower everyday and take care of myself everyday there's people who do none of this and then wonder why their partners lost interest. Do I like junk food? Absolutely, we have a day where both of us like to indulge but the next day we go back to our regular diet because staying healthy and looking good is important to us.

[Opinion Owner]

Because you care more about how each other looks. Staying healthy, sure. But if looking good is what’s holding your relationship together then 👍🏼

[sheikalana]

No, it's not. We have strong values in our marriage.

[Opinion Owner]

Good for you. That doesn’t mean people who don’t dress to impress everyday don’t have strong values either.

[Anonymous]

I don't know but i'm excited to see my friend gain some more weight (she's a terrible person by the way)

maybe it's because they're unhappy in their marriage, they don't have to try anymore, they're too comfortable, I don't know

[SolitarySolace]

Probably because they believe they've achieved their goal. The American dream. What's next after that? What they don't know is divorce is also imminent.

[peedy]

They dont even have to be married i would imagine it has a lot to do with age, getting older your body just isn't the same anymore and your attitude your motivation your energy everything is affected

[sheikalana]

You need to motivate yourself! And both people involved should motivate each other as well. My mom and dad been married for more than 30 years and always make sure they look decent around each other.

[peedy]

That's rare the linger people are together thd more comfortable they get with each " I look like shit but the only one going to see me is my wife so its ni big deal" type of mentality because she doesn't care how he looks anyway they become complacent I think is the term or they are sometimes fearfully of tell the truth to avoid an argument "does this make my butt look fat" type thing
Go for your parents but most people aren't like that from. what I've seen

[serious]

Perhaps they just lose motivation and interest.

[inhua]

complacency and "feel good" lies about non-existent love

[Sour-rose]

they found their S. O. ... soooo now they can be themselves together.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes, that could be the reason because couples let their selves go

[OddBeMe]

Ahh…The joys of lifelong commitment and love. Get fat together and still find each other erotically attractive.