Is it appropriate to put your hand on a coworker's lower back?

[Anonymous]

One of my coworkers did that today. We were talking at the printer, and they put their hand on my lower back when I collected my papers to leave. Not just a brush either—which may have been on accident. It felt like their hand was right above my belt, and it lasted a few seconds. They behaved like it was just a regular pat on the back/hand on the shoulder, so I did too, but it felt strangely deliberate and intimate.

We had been talking about our spouses, too, which was probably what made me suspicious in the first place. Besides my wife and exes, nobody has really touched my lower back. I do have a scar down my lower spine and only partial feeling around it, so maybe I'm just more sensitive about that area than average.

Obviously they know I'm married, and they are too. I don't know if they even like men. It just felt weird. I mentioned it to my wife, but we have very different thresholds for touchiness. She thinks that it was probably innocent, I should say I don't like it if they try it again, and I should blame it on the scar if they try to make me seem sensitive because "scars are cool!" So, that's the advise I'm taking, but I would appreciate a second opinion for reference...

[richardcory]

I'd step away if someone did that. If they did it again, I'd tell them I don't like being touched. 3rd time go to HR.

But I'm OK with someone who goes to HR the first time. Its not an appropriate thing to do

[Asker]

Yeah, I probably gave the wrong impression by not reacting. At least I will make sure to correct it if it happens again.

[RavVid]

I think it is strange and I would not like it. Don't make up an excuse re scar. Just object. Seems gay to me.

[Asker]

Well, the scar would be much more believable than using it seeming gay as an excuse. A few coworkers (including that one) know I like men already. I see what you mean though; that would only work for that specific area, so it would be better to leave the reason simply as not liking it.

[RavVid]

Yes, object and challenge.

[sheikalana]

NO! CRINGE AF. I would have snapped if someone did that to me. I don't mind if someone touches my arm or my upper back but there's something about my lower back that really disturbs me.

[WhitneySnow]

Are they a nonbinary person? Either way, if it bothers you tell them you don’t like it.

[WhitneySnow]

To answer your question: no. It’s not appropriate to put your hand on anybody’s lower back unless you’re dating them. Or maybe if you’re giving them a hug to comfort them. But this didn’t sound like that.

[Asker]

I don't think so; I've just been practicing neutral language for people who haven't specified how they'd like to be referred to. I think I will just tell them if it happens again. That seems like the simple option.

[WhitneySnow]

I totally agree with you on both points! Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Probably an accident, they probably touch their spouse out of habit that way, I’m guessing your coworker is a woman

[Asker]

I guess that could explain it since that was the topic of conversation. They aren't a woman, no, but their spouse is.

[Throwawaynowknow]

No, not appropriate after #MeToo or before either