I am in a long distance relationship. He bothers me, but keeps me there because he gaslights his way to make me think he will change but he doesn't. He consistently does opposite of what he says. We been talking online for 4 years. I never been the type to ask for anything but seeing him do things for me while he sees I'm struggling I feel like he's trying to hurt me on purpose sometimes with the way he does things and says. He over helps people in his life and throws it in my face but when I met him I told him how I was struggling with mental health and how I couldn't hold a job. How my family is and how they don't help me at all, but then when I see how he treats others he treats them way better than me. Then when I tell him I deserve better and want a guy who will put me first he says I'm selfish and that no comes first. He lets his friend talk bad about me and when I tell him to say something he will laugh and say that he can't control other peoples actions and what they say, he has mommy issues and acts immature, when I tell him I want to leave he says things like when we are together that I will be okay, but I don't see a future with him because if he cared he would have done all this stuff for me and treated me better. Why is he making my life bad like this? I never done anything to him and he's making me out to be some angry person because he doesn't love me right but he has me by my emotions and says he does care, but his actions show different. For me if I had a life, money, and had what it took to care for others my first priority would be my partner and their happiness but like i said i don't care for that but his priorities and the way he acts is so backwards and wrong like he;s doing it to hurt me and use it against me so im hurt and annoyed. I've talked about it continously since we met. nothing i say he takes into considerations because he's the same person. He said women should listen to man and bascially tries to silence me by being a gaslighter.
Could you date someone who helped everyone financially and supported them but not you and you were struggling to but they didn't care?
Updates
7 mo
by the way these people never ask for help he just does it for them, he sees i'm upset and venting and he doesn't even try to make my life easier or try to help me a bit and i dont even ask for the world. he isn't even emotionally there or shows love much. a relationship shouldn't feel this hard but he gaslights and manipulated my mind from the beginning
Updates
7 mo
he overplays his role as a friend, brother, family member, son but never overplays it as a partner. all he does is talk to me everyday, all day, about non sense.. feels like a waste of time sometimes but i keep hoping and then he uses my hope and gaslights me because he knows what i want to hear..
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
You need to leave, and you already know that. This man does nothing positive for your life, your self esteem, and has way too much control for a guy who doesn’t even have physical access to you.
This is an online fantasy that you’ve only burdened yourself with for way longer than you ever should’ve.
So please, stop putting yourself through this hell, not for someone who brings no value to your life. Your inability to cut him off is the only reason why he’s able to do all this gaslighting and whatever else.
He is only a few block buttons away from losing contact, so why won’t you finalize it rather than make excuses? You can’t love him into changing, you know he won’t change on his own, you know he’s full of lies and broken promises, these are facts that he’s shown and not assumptions or guesses. That’s more than enough, especially if your life is already hard, I’m sure you don’t enjoy this misery so just stop it and help yourself already. Because he’s not helping, doesn’t wanna help, he’d rather watch you struggle.
thanks yeah. its hard because im struggling bad, have been for years.. i have agoraphobia (can't leave the house) no job, family doesn't help, no friends.. I've told him everything so i feel he gets off knowing im hurt by keep doing crap like this. i have a hard time letting go because he talks a ton and is always there but at the same time i feel i deserve better and he's just wasting my time. if i had a life family/friends then things would probably be different for me but im pretty much a prisoner in my own home and would take any attention and with him it became a trauma bond.
Man, trauma bonds are hard to break I know, but it’s not impossible. I never knew a word besides introverted that explained not being able to leave the house, but I experienced that during lockdown, Covid ruined me! I was terrified of getting out and leaving the house after 3 years confined. Like when I had no more money and had to get a job, I’d cry and have breakdowns in the bathroom because of the anxiety and stress. Went through that for almost 5 months last year when I started working, so I feel you on that. But girl you gotta get out of your room at least to work, then if you have money, you can afford professional help for your agoraphobia. I’ve been saving for EMDR recovery, you should look into it for your condition. But I’ll tell you one thing for sure, this man is not helping. Not one bit and he is making everything worse, you acknowledge that much as well, like him using your trauma against you, that is not love. I guess if your family is sucky as well and you’re used to bad treatment then it’s hard to really convince yourself that you deserve better, but you do. You also deserve more than a life confined to your home, you are missing so much and you will regret this one day if you don’t at least try helping yourself. You can’t control it all, but you can control giving a toxic person access to your already bad mental health. This isn’t the attention you want or need.
Do you need to learn what boundaries of respect are and what you expect from those boundaries. once you establish these boundaries when they cross them, you can once warn them then you can dump them. This person, then you have a toxic relationship toxic people need to exit your life always and forever.