How can I secure my needs without damaging my relationship?

[IslaTheWitch]

I'm 46 years old. I have a good job. I have two adult children living separately and one teenager at home. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. I love him, but from the beginning, I knew he was not a person to satisfy all my needs.

As my previous relationship wasn't good, I was happy that I met such a good guy and didn't care about the thrill. But lately, it's something that keeps me bothered all the time.

I had to take care of my own life when I was 17. I ran away from my abusive partner with two small kids when I was 20. I always had to be strong, responsible, and caring.

My husband is a calm and gentle person. I'm quite the opposite, the volcano of emotions and feelings. Inside, I long for a strong person, stronger than me, to give me a feeling of security. And I know my husband can't change himself.

How to make it all work together? I don't want to damage my relationship. Sorry if this text is a mess...

Updates

6 mo

1. Yes we talked many times about it. Before we got married and after. It's literally something he doesn't want to do saying it's seems wrong for him to show any type of "violence" (and we speak about grabbing onto hair stuff here)

2. He gave up counselling after the first session (we tried four years ago) saying we don't need it.

[abc3643]

Wow, this is a very good question and I am not sure how to answer this although my wife and I are sort of the same way. She is explosive and needs to get her emotions under control. I am relatively easy-going and supportive, but if she starts attacking me, I fight back and then she gets upset that I am cruel. Well, honey, I'm sorry, but don't fuck with somebody with nukes. But that's my dysfunctional marriage. (She's been married twice before me; I married her - my only wife - when I was 38.)

=======
I really need to think about your situation.

That said, I think you need to assess what your "feeling of security" is.
You need to partition that "feeling of security" that you need into its sexual fantasy components and your real-life components.

It seems to me that you are longing for a sexual attraction to an assertive, take-charge guy so that, after all these decades, you don't have to be the one in charge.

But, ironically, you ARE secure with your husband who is steadfast and their for you. But, because YOU had to be the take-charge person early in life, after all these decades, you don't have to be the one in charge and you just don't see him as that kind of man. So, again, that's sort of instinctive/sexual...

In short, you want Captain Kirk, but you married Mister Spock.
Perhaps you need something of a Captain Picard - a strong, but calm leader.

Ask your husband who his favorite Star Trek character is and why and you will gain insight into him.

[IslaTheWitch]

I love your way of using Star Trek characters.

And you actually read and understood my message... But I think Picard is still too calm for me.

Thanks for your opinion. I have some things to think about.

[abc3643]

Sounds like you need a Klingon...

[IslaTheWitch]

Or Romulan. It's quite possible 😀

[IslaTheWitch]

"It seems to me that you are longing for a sexual attraction to an assertive, take-charge guy so that, after all these decades, you don't have to be the one in charge."

You got me there. But this is not about how I see him. It's about his limits, and he has the right to say "no.". I just don't know what to do with this "no," as it leaves me in a void.

[abc3643]

I am confused. Can you elaborate?
Are you saying you want rougher, more dominant from him sex, and that he refuses to do it?

=========

Sex is supposed to be the most selfish act you can do. Pure hedonism in which you can truly be yourself - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and feel safe with that.

This is why sexual chemistry is important. If the two people in the couple are not sympatico on their kinks and desires, there's going to be a problem because one of two things is going to happen:
1. One person has to become an actor to appease the desires of the other.
OR
2. One person becomes unfulfilled because the other person won't become the actor.

If somebody has to become an actor in sex, then that person is doing work and not being themselves. But sex is supposed to be about being yourself in the ultimate form of play.

=====
It seems to me that you made the compromise long ago; you forsook sexual chemistry for the real-life stability and love of your husband. Unfortunately, for you, he doesn't want to be an actor and I don't blame him - no one should have to become an actor in the bedroom as it is work, not play. (And, I regret when I was young and stupid that I wanted my partner to be an actor. That was selfish of me.)

Since your husband will not and, frankly, cannot change who he as a sexual being, you've "made your bed and now have to lie in it."

I'd suggest porn, ALTHOUGH alcohol can be more helpful in this...

[IslaTheWitch]

[ChicoFromThe305]

Don't under estimate him, I'm sure if you are ever in danger his protective instincts will kick in, the calm ones are sometimes the most dangerous, calmness helps you think and thinking in dangerous situations is an advantage, reacting with aggression can be self sabotaging.

[IslaTheWitch]

Yeah, he would definitely fight for me in court or public office. He would settle a debt or any legal problems. I know it already. And as I wrote I love him.

But this... let's say more primal need, sits somewhere deep and doesn't want to go away :/

[ChicoFromThe305]

No I mean in a life or death situation he can use his brain and strategize and attack to counter the danger, I think what you want is an aggressive and abusive individual, I honestly don't think you know what you want

[IslaTheWitch]

I think he could logically plan in life-threatening situations, but I'm not sure about the execution. I hope we won't have to test it.

And I think I have a pretty good idea of what I want, but writing about it openly is a different thing

[ChicoFromThe305]

Well I don't know what solution there's to this problem because I don't think you should throw your relationship away but maybe communicate with him and find some closure to your assumptions and see if it's true

[IslaTheWitch]

Thanks for your input. You made me think about some things, which is always a valuable outcome, even if I didn't find the solution for my issue.

[ChicoFromThe305]

No problem, I wish you the best in your situation 💯👍

[Screenwriter]

You're at that point in your life when you're re-evaluating decisions you made when you were much younger and were what you needed for security at the time. You admit that you knew this relationship wasn't all hot and heavy, but it was steady and safe. Something you hadn't had before.

Have you talked to your husband about your feelings? I think couples know each other much better than they let on. Perhaps he's known all along why you married him. Perhaps he realizes you're dissatisfied with "security" alone, but he doesn't know what to say or do.

If this man is truly a good guy, you should be able to be honest with him about your feelings. And I'd suggest the two of you devote some time to couples therapy to see where the two of you can move forward with your relationship.

There are all manners of compromise and ways to improve your interpersonal relationship and not head to a divorce court. Explore them all WITH your husband and see if you both can end up happier and healthier for the years to come.

[IslaTheWitch]

Yes, we spoke about it many times. I'm the person who addresses my stuff first and then looks for other solutions.

But he doesn't feel comfortable with my... desires. Period. And I understand it. I'm looking for a safe solution for myself. But it seems like there is none :/

[Screenwriter]

OK. Have you talked to a therapist; especially one who specializes in sex therapy. It sounds like your desires might be too kinky for your spouse? Is that it?

[IslaTheWitch]

Let's say he is a man for whom grabbing onto my hair is too violent.

[Screenwriter]

So you want to do rough stuff and he doesn't and that's going to be the end of your marriage? You need to talk this out with a professional. And if that's the bottom line, you may have to consider divorce. He's not going to change. Doesn't sound like you are either. It's a standoff. You've hit a wall that can't be breached.

[IslaTheWitch]

@Screenwriter I never wrote, I want to finish this marriage. I'm looking for alternative points of view, opinions, and maybe private experiences. I know my marriage and my husband quite well, but still, in this question, I got perspectives I never thought about and an understanding I didn't expect.

[Screenwriter]

However, it sounds like you want to do something your husband is deadset against and you're deadset for. This is why I suggest a therapist. A sex therapist. This is someone experienced in sexual differences in a couple that might seem insurmountable and how to resolve them.

I said that because it seems you two are far apart on something rather essential in a marriage: good sex.

I don't know that I could be satisfied myself with the situation. The best to you, though. Hope the ideas help.

[scentoflavender]

That's a tough pickle. I wish I had a magic answer for you, or something you can have him do to fix it, but there isn't one. I'm not 100 percent sure of what needs arnt being met, but I have a good assumption. If you can't met them yourself, and he can't do it, you have to ask yourself is it worth risking things for. If it is, try to communicate what you want with you partner. Maybe they'll be OK with them. Maybe they won't. But you owe it to them to explain and give them the chance to say no. Best of luck hun.

[RoseySarah]

Okay Hun it's okay breath and relax and slowly tell us your needs!

Why can't he fulfill them you have been married so long nothing you share with him should be a surprise!

Here is a soft warm calming hug if you need to share privately you can message me.

[IslaTheWitch]

I wish it was so easy. I really thought I am more open (groan in frustration)

[RoseySarah]

Shhh it's okay 👍
You will be fine and things will work out you can talk it over and I'll listen.

[RoseySarah]

Don't want it public it's okay

[IslaTheWitch]

I can't write messages yet, so I think I must change my approach... Life sucks.

[RoseySarah]

Give me a follow and I can message with you.

[BadApple69]

It's very normal for a woman to want to marry the safe secure nice guy but want the bad boy in bed. The two personalities rarely exist in one man.
Many women use this as an excuse to cheat. My girl did... About 11 years ago. Me, I'm the safe secure type and her boss was the bad boy type. They had a thing for 6 months. I found out about it and It didn't end well for anyone involved. She discovered her “bad boy” boss was a coward and I was a tiger. Although I forgave her at the time my love for her was never the same.
So it's NOT my recommendation to have an affair. But maybe try to work your husband into role-play... Do it slowly. Maybe find some good role-play adult videos. I wish you luck.

[IslaTheWitch]

Thanks for sharing.

Unfortunately, it's not a case anymore. And not because of me...

[BadApple69]

Yes it was an old post but one I had experience with. So I wanted to comment. I hope everything worked out for you (but it doesn't seem like it did 😔)

[IslaTheWitch]

Shit happens. Life goes on. Witches don't complain.

[BadApple69]

Are you north or south? Just want to know who I am chatting with 😊
And you can complain... I'd listen.

[IslaTheWitch]

@BadApple69 Central Europe :)

[BadApple69]

@IslaTheWitch lol I'm sorry that was an obscure reference. I asked north or south I was talking about the witches from “the wizard of oz”. The witch from the north was bad and the witch from the south was a good witch. I was asking which witch you are

[IslaTheWitch]

@BadApple69 lol :D Sorry for not getting you right.

Hard to say, As I don't know what exactly bad and good mean in “the wizard of oz”. But will read it and come back to you :P

I am just me. Words enchanter, storyteller and volcano of emotions. I swear, I enjoy whiskey and good company. Probably more bad than good, but who cares?

[BadApple69]

@IslaTheWitch sometimes more bad can be good 😉.
In real life, I don't know any witches so it's very nice meeting you!

[IslaTheWitch]

@BadApple69 my pleasure :)

[YesterdaysChild]

Sounds like you two need some together counseling since you are both involved in the marriage. I hope that for the sake of the marriage he would be okay with that. You can't have your cake and eat it too all the time. Marriage requires work and compromising. You have to give to get, and It is something in that you can't get your way all the time. You two are partners, and should be able to talk about anything with each other. If you have special needs he should fulfil them, and vice versa.

[DB1973]

From what you can describe, you would like to explore…and have security. Your husband has been your anchor in a time when the sails of life were getting blown in too many directions…. Now that you have raised children to make their own decisions and got them off to a good start you would like to set out on adventure. Not a bad thought. Except you feel like you have an anchor you can’t pull up occasionally and enjoy life’s adventures. Maybe your husband has his own ideas of the same goal 🤷‍♂️. If you dont talk about it and come to some kind of compromise to move together in a way that satisfies you and him the sails you ounce despised will take wind.

[monorprise]

Do not confuse your desires as your 'needs'. A need is something you cannot live without which is clearly not true given you ARE LIVING without that.

Everyone desires something they will never have, that you think you could have it does not mean you should have it. Marriage is about security which is why you did in fact marry this man who has upheld his end.

You must accept his limits as he has accepted yours. Limit your other desires to safe areas of fiction.

[exitseven]

You married this guy for his positive qualities. You knew he was not the exciting guy that you were used to be with. Still you married him since I suggest that you think about was a good guy he is and how nice it is not getting slapped around. Treat him to a nice meal and a BJ afterwards

[Nirmroth]

I think you have to make it clear that real life and the games you play in bed can be different and that its okay to be more violent/rough to a partner if it happens with consent.

He doesn't have to give up his personality he just needs to adapt a "bed personality".

Once I realized that, I didn't feel bad and actually started to enjoy throwing my partner around in bed (respectfully).

[worldscolide]

That sucks.. I second the therapy option. You may need it. Can't believe some people are insulting you. Sad.

[IslaTheWitch]

Life

[worldscolide]

by the way if you want me to message you, you have to add me back. Otherwise I can't send you anything. Sorry about that

[lightbulb27]

Therapy to reflect on yoir upbringing and heal those wounds causing angst. Its not your husbands issue its yours but he can support. Find God, go to womens conferences.
Stay away from men.
Figure out what is hormonal, personality , vs wounds to heal.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You knowingly settled for someone who wasn’t abusive and you’re surprised that you’re unsatisfied? I mean, I get it, getting out of a bad relationship like that anything that’s not that feels immediately better and you committed to it. But you might also start investing in mommy porn books to fill your need if you refuse to divorce him and try again in a healthier mindset 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Samantha_Stevenson]

I don't quite understand what is that you actually expect..
Are you saying he is not physically strong enough? Or that he is not rough enough in bed?

[IslaTheWitch]

Question is not valid anymore :D

[Samantha_Stevenson]

Hehe hope it's all solved now

[cloud9vortex1234]

Is he too nice? It seems like it. I definitely don't think you need to leave your husband after the situation you've been in before you met him. You basically want someone who's Dominant. Do you think he would be ok with a cuckoldry type of relationship where a guy could take care of you for the night and have his way with you? I know I'm going to get heat for this, but I don't care.

[Lara_Croft]

God is Good. Pray about it First. Talk to your husband not the GAg community. Tell him about your qualms and insecurities about satisfaction and explore resources and ways to do what is needed

[IslaTheWitch]

Reading the whole question would help, I think :D

[Lara_Croft]

I did tho. Guys on here will mostly tell you to leave your husband. Share your qualms with him. You can't marry someone and always hold back the fact that oh he won't satisfy me fully. What if there's something about you that isn't enough subjectively but he just lauds it over you in his head and you never know it. Tell him your thoughts

[IslaTheWitch]

Read my question and updates. I DID talk to him many times

[IslaTheWitch]

And most of the guys here wanted me to work on this relationship.

[Deepinthought345]

Its not easy to be who you are. Its natural that you go for someone stable to balance out your inner wild child. I guess you look for safe ways to express yourself.

[IslaTheWitch]

I would say you are not wrong.

[IslaTheWitch]

just a test :D

[Deepinthought345]

Haha... I hope we passed. Although this punishment doesn't look that bad 😂

[IslaTheWitch]

g@g is awful in terms of working gifs, so I use my oldest question to test things :D

[SunnyRS]

The first thing you can do is tell him about your needs, I am sure he would listen and at least try to be a more dominant and protective person.
Even if he can not at least he knows what you want.

[IslaTheWitch]

Maybe I should mention it in my original post. Yes, we spoke about it. Unfortunately, it's not something he is comfortable with.

[SunnyRS]

Well what are these desires of yours that your husband isn't even comfortable trying to do?

[SunnyRS]

Sorry you don't need to tell me.
I crossed a line

[IslaTheWitch]

You made me smile. Thanks.

I think I'm not really comfortable to write about it. Some work, I have to do.

[SunnyRS]

Well I didn't do much but if it made you smile then good.

[provokeesmokee]

Go to couples therapy. Hopefully your husband is stronger than you expect and can show you.

[JHAYES317]

Get therapy. It seems like you have a lot of unresolved trauma. Work through that and maybe you won’t feel this need to have this volatile sensation in your life.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Wow! Thats a tough one cause he can't be something he's not

[Drewtate]

Some women are just self destructive.

[IslaTheWitch]

Definitely

[love_conquers_lust]

It takes strength to be calm in the face of a whirlwind of emotions.

[IslaTheWitch]

Tell me about it...

[love_conquers_lust]

That goes for him in the face of yours.

[IslaTheWitch]

I would say, he likes it if he is still in this relationship, right?

[love_conquers_lust]

Ask him. Voice your needs. See how he responds.

[IslaTheWitch]

Asked and voiced. He responded he doesn't feel comfortable with my request.

[love_conquers_lust]

Did you ask why?

[IslaTheWitch]

I did. But the only reply was he feels it's wrong.

[love_conquers_lust]

Does it involve breaking your vows?

[IslaTheWitch]

No, it doesn't. It's just a huge gap in preferences

[love_conquers_lust]

Preferences for what? You’re beating around the bush with everyone here. Pick someone to discuss it with in private if it bothers you. If it was vow breaking, I was going to say listen to @roseysarah and wait out the storm. Anything else, don’t know enough to see how your husband can’t meet you on this.

[RoseySarah]

Dude relax let her do what she wants with her question!
Heaven knows you guys sure do!

[love_conquers_lust]

@RoseySarah Point taken. The account was created today so it’s hard to tell if it’s authentic. She can post anonymously, but that usually attracts perverts and doubters because it’s anonymous. She can come right out and say it here because no one here will ever meet her without her consent, but that’s still scary for some people. Or she can PM someone which is also dicey because of aforementioned reasons. So, I guess she should keep perusing people to see who shares her viewpoints or keywords search similar questions.

I think she should lean on her rock, the foundation of her marriage that she’s invested years in. Not worth blowing up something that is rarer nowadays. If she has some sexual need, it should be her husband who satisfies that. I noticed OP made a reply in another post about a man taking responsibility, That’s the vibe I’m picking up. If the guy is happy, then this should concern him because her happiness should matter to him. It doesn’t SOUND like he doesn’t care. He probably just doesn’t want to do something he’s never done, whatever that is.

[love_conquers_lust]

@IslaTheWitch. I was too hasty and I apologize, OP. I agree with others on counseling. If your husband cares about you that much that he doesn’t want to risk recreating your abusive past, I think he is more capable than he may realize, you as well. I think you’re in a better spot than you may know as long as your husband can find it in himself to be flexible and meet you where you want to go.

[IslaTheWitch]

@love_conquers_lust
It's OK, I don't mind. And thank you.

My husband cares a lot about our family, including me. He is a responsible man (as I take responsibility and bear consequences for my decisions, we both are adults).

I don't question his capability, responsibility, or feelings for me. I simply state we hit the wall, and as I crave something I can't get, I'm trying to see if there are any options I didn't consider.

[love_conquers_lust]

You’re welcome. I hope you clear that dreadful wall denying you access to what you desire.

I’m rooting for your husband. He’s firm in his commitment to your emotional well being and gentle in handling your physical needs. I hope he discovers his mindset may need to be reversed in order to paradoxically meet those original intents. He needs to trust that he’s not disempowering you by giving you what you want, in fact it is you who is in control of yourself pursuing what you desire. He needs to believe that you are in fact strong and that it takes great trust and strength to navigate these waters. If he’s anything like me, he likes to tinker and improve, and would relish the opportunity when viewed in that light.

There’s some gems on this site and a direct keyword search may yield good results. Having your husband just Google what you prefer may pique his interest. You’ve already planted the seed in his head, see if it grows.