Boyfriend going travelling Australia for 3 months without me. Is it ok to feel upset about this?

[Anonymous]

For context me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 3 years and I always knew that after finishing university my boyfriend had a nominal idea of going to Australia for a bit. Whilst everything in me wants to be supportive of him and happy for this adventure he’s about to take, I can’t help but feel a bit abandoned and like my feelings haven’t been considered at all. Whilst I’m in a full time job so can’t go for three months I do have a decent amount of vacation time to take so I suggested he wait a bit and then we could go together, even if just for a month. I also proposed that if he was set on going alone could he not cut the trip down to 6 weeks or even 2 months, but he just hasn’t taken on board any of my suggestions. I’ve voiced my concerns to him about the time difference as well-so not only will we be not seeing one another we’ll hardly be able to even call or message and I’ve said I’m worried about the strain this will put on our relationship and I’m not sure if I could do it, but he just doesn’t seem bothered! So it feels like he knows I’m potentially not prepared for the distance but he’s willing to risk our relationship for the sake of his travels, which feels like shit. After speaking to some of my friends and family they agree with me and they’re all saying that “if someone is willing to leave you for 3 months out of choice or potentially more (he hasn’t booked a return ticket) then they don’t care very much about you”. I just know personally I would never leave my boyfriend for so long and it makes me question his feelings for me if he can do it so easily.

[MrOracle]

On one hand, I completely understand how you feel, and your feelings are pretty normal - most people would feel anxious and sad and lonely about it.

On the other hand, he didn't spring this on you at the last minute with no notice - he made it clear from the very beginning. You made the mistake of dismissing it at the time, thinking it was unimportant, or even worse, that you would CHANGE HIS MIND. That is a HUGE HUGE mistake. If someone tells you something like that, it's because they're warning you up-front about a potential deal-breaker - giving you a chance to walk away, or at least to question them further about the details - before you get too deeply involved with them.

Three years later is way too late to decide you have a problem with it - your chance to have a problem with it was three years ago, when you first found out. Instead, you ignored the problem at the time, or chose to be in denial about it so that you wouldn't have to deal with it then - but it didn't go away, because that's not how life works.

You have two choices at this point - and you had better think VERY carefully about your decision, because you probably won't get a second chance. Your choices are to break up with him right now and accept that you're going to lose him forever, and just move on with your life, OR you can be supportive and encourage him (but also tell him how much you'll miss him and how anxious you'll be for his return) and NOT complain or guilt-trip him. That's it. There's no third choice. Choose carefully.

And if for any reason things don't work out with him, and you end up dating another man, take anything he says ("I don't see myself getting married." or "I've always wanted 6 or 8 kids." or "I never want kids." or "I want to be a nature photographer and travel the world for a living taking pictures." (i. e., he'll never be home) or "I've always had a main girl and a couple on the side." or "In my religion, it's normal to have 3 wives and also to have sex with goats.") SERIOUSLY, and do NOT EVER assume that you're going to change his mind, because you won't. Guys say those things to give you fair warning, so you can walk away if you can't accept it, but if you don't walk away, then you HAVE accepted it, and you have to live with that decision FOREVER. You WILL NOT CHANGE HIS MIND.

[OlderAndWiser]

This is a plan that he had before he met you, right? And he had this notion in place as a reward for completing his studies. He knows that if he doesn't do it now, he most likely will never do it. And your response is to focus on how this makes you feel while ignoring his feelings. How would he feel towards you if he cancelled this plan because of your insistence?

I do understand what you are contemplating with the separation. My fiancée is currently in China, with a 12 hour time difference. However, she calls me once or twice every day. She is visiting family (sister, father, others) whom she hasn't seen in the past 13 years. I encouraged her to go, even though I miss her horribly, because this is what she needs to do for herself.

Are you concerned that he will be unfaithful while he is gone? Are you concerned that you will be unfaithful while he is gone?

This situation brings into focus one of the issues on which couples sometimes falter: how much independence do you need in a relationship vs. how much do you need to do things together. Do you think this is the end of your relationship?

[Anonymous]

You have known about this for years, and only now has it become a problem for you because he is actually making his once-in-a-lifetime trip happen.

If there ends up being a strain in your relationship, you will be a big part of that because you seem like you want to keep him on a leash to make him stay by your side. 24/7 because you are acting like you will die if he isn't near you.

Yes, there will be a time difference, but has it even occurred to you that he would contact you when it's not late at night for you so that you can talk before you head off to bed or leave for work? You are acting like the time difference will mean you will never get to talk. The time difference isn't as bad as you think. When it's midnight in LA, it's 6 p. m. in Sydney, so there are heaps of opportunities to call earlier and talk. You can check the time difference between your own country and Australia by looking up the time difference between New York and Sydney, Australia, or wherever

Also, did it ever occur to you that the reason he is pushing ahead with going now is because summer is about to start in Australia? If he waits a few months because of you, he won't arrive here until the colder months, and he might miss out on some of the things he wanted to do that he might be only able to do during summer.

I don't necessarily agree with you, your friends or your family. This is potentially a once in a life time trip and he is clearly wanting to travel to Australia during summer and you are trying to stop him. If you love him and trust him let him go and stop getting upset or asking for him to cut the trip short. It's 3 months. Not a lifetime.

[BoopBoopBeep]

MHO right here.
OP sounds needy as F.
I hope for his sake you break up with him. If three months of 6-hour time difference is just too much for you to handle life is going to be tough for you

[Opinion Owner]

@BoopBoopBeep exactly! I don't even understand how others haven't picked up that she is needy and trying to sabotage his once in a life time trip that he had planned before they got together. Maybe he is better off breaking up with her so he find someone who will support his trip.

I can already see it. Her getting angry and wanting to break up with him if he doesn't call her everyday at a particular time and accuse him of cheating. Most of us were forced to go longer periods without seeing our loved ones when the world was hit by covid and the lockdowns happened and borders were closed.

3 months will fly by fast and it will feel like they were only gone 2 weeks not 3 months

[Asker]

Hi, thanks for your contributions!
But I do just want to disagree with you on the point you said of “her getting angry if he doesn’t call her everyday at a particular time”. All I’ll say is, for context me and my boyfriend are already in a long distance relationship. We live in different states, we see each other once a month and we probably call once every 2 weeks and I’d describe myself as lots of things but clingy is definitely not one of them, I don’t generally miss people when I’m not with them and I just like my own space to be honest. However in this case, I’m under no circumstances trying to “blackmail” my boyfriend into not going, because I want him to do what he wants. I just would’ve assumed a bit more consideration of how I feel about things after being together for 3 years but there’s nothing. He’s just going end of. Hasn’t even stopped to check I feel ok about it and that’s the problem, not necessarily the trip itself.

[midnightmoon05]

Why didn’t you go with him. Dating 3 years. No ring?

[Valdemort]

It is ok to feel upset, but I think you are for the wrong reasons.


Yes, he'll not be around for an extended period of time, but he will get to experience something which he might never get the opportunity for again.


Put yourself in his situation and think about it: you made a deal with yourself to go to a different country for a couple of months after your graduation, but now your boyfriend is upset with you because 1) he can't come along, 2) you didn't take him into account.
That wouldn't make much sense right? He planned this for himself - I assume before you two got together. As his partner, give him the freedom to explore the world, even when it's without you.


If you're afraid he might forget about you, honestly, simply put he will not be the one for you, which would then be better for the both of you, because then you know!


But aside from that, you're not wrong for being upset. I would hate to be without my partner for three months. But I would love for him to get to see something of the world and realise a dream he has been thinking about for years.


You found a man with a purpose; who makes plans and works his ass of to make them reality. Count yourself lucky and enjoy the time you get to spent without him to learn new things about yourself!

[AviatorTom]

This is something he's planned to do (on his own) for years. Rather than let him know you don't like it and offer all kinds of compromises, why nit show your support for him? Let him know you want him to have a good time and that you'll be here when he gets back. Try thinking more about him than about yourself.

[Bethany22]

I agree, it's a sign he doesn't care. Maybe you should agree to separate for a while and go out with other people during that time. He really seems to not care how you feel, and that's not good.

[NotInterestedSorry]

Than it also shows she doesn't care about him since he made it known from day one this is what he wants to do and she is trying to ruin it for him. It's 3 months not a lifetimes. Get over it

[provokeesmokee]

Sounds like this is something he really wants and intends to do. That's valid. Maybe this has been something he's always wanted to do.

You're valid, too. This would be upsetting.

That said, if you have vacation time, why not let him go and join him there for a bit? Don't make him wait, but meet him there after he's arrived.

All that said, honestly, if he's not willing to hear you out or make time for you, do you really want to date that?

Take the 3 months he's away to really question your relationship and explore who you are outside of it.

[Marcuslrh]

It is a long time and I'm guessing he has probably got a working visa which is 1 year. I know your in a relationship but you new its something he wanted to do you sound kinda selfish you shouldn't let anyone hold you back from your dreams no matter who it is respect for him sticking to his goal as most just give up on them to settle for making someone else happy instead of themselves when your dreams come first. Will it put a strain on your relationship maybe that depends on you both but I have travelled all over the world and met people doing the same while there partner is at home still so it is widely done in the world. I wouldn't want to be the one trying to make my partner feel bad for not following there dreams to do something but if you can't handle that then you might be best letting him go. Like you said why dont you just book a month off work and go meet him while he is already out there it's not like you have to fly out at the same time together.

[Srose66]

My boyfriend went to a wedding without me so I went on a trip to the beach without him. He asked why I went alone I said because you went alone. In a healthy relationship I told him there is reciprocation. I say, use this opportunity to go on your own trip. Go do your own exploring and don't be so available when he wants to find time to chat. One thing I learned in my 57 years is they never understand til you reciprocate. Tell him you made plans while he's gone to go to somewhere you would love to go. Get a girlfriend and go. Whenever my fiance does stupid stuff I reciprocate and you will be so surprised how all of a sudden it is wrong lol. I would make plans for a trip and let him know because he has not made any suggestions for you to go together that you will be doing your own thing as well.

[Anonymous]

Just like a lot of women trying to ruin a man’s fun. I’m sure he’s worked hard to get to this point, let him go. This isn’t about him loving you. Stop trying to make him feel guilty, women pull that type of bs. That’s so screwed up. Using his love for you against him. Grow up. You two have been together for three years. Why didn’t you try to plan accordingly w him if you knew he had planned to do this all these years. That’s your fault. If you’re concerned he’ll be unfaithful while he’s gone then maybe you shouldn’t be in this relationship. Because if he’s that type of man he will still do it regardless. Stop thinking about yourself. If he doesn’t do this chances are he won’t ever.

[exitseven]

this is a once in a lifetime trip. Austrailia is a long way and he will probably never get to go back. He had been planning this for years. I know it will be hard but there is the internet today so you can keep in touch. If you don't let him go he will resent you for it.

[DizzyDesii]

Your offers are compromise were super reasonable. Seems like he just really wants to go alone and is likely seeking a break or hoping it creates distance as to end y'all. I don't know though. I can't wait to visit AU but i’m only trying to go for 2 weeks and i refuse to visit alone

[NotInterestedSorry]

Him wanting go go even if he wants to go alone doesn't mean he wants to end things. He made it known from day one this was something he wanted to do. He didn't just wake up one day and spring it on her. She has had 3 or more years knowing this was what he wanted to do. Sounds like he finally has the money to go and he is choosing to go now because summer legit starts in December in Australia.

Her offers aren't reasonable at all. Why should he have to cut his trip short why should he have to wait a few months to go when if he waits a few months for her to go, he will be arriving in Australia during the colder months.

It's 3 months not a year, not a lifetime. It's 3 months

[DizzyDesii]

I’ve done ldr so 3 months is nothing for me. But it seems knew to her so i can sympathize. He told her he was going but never said when. So yes she's been blindsided by him choosing a time he knew she wasn't available to go. If he wanted togo alone, he could have said that years back to prepare her. And for a presumably always in person relationship, yes to me, three months is excessive. 3 weeks to a month is more than fine but separating for a month without having discussed it beforehand would blindside me and tick me off. I guess we all have our different relationship preferences/values

[MikeTheBartender]

I have been to Australia twice, for starters he doesn't need 3 months. I think it's okay to travel without someone, but that is a long ass time especially when you offered to compromise to 6 weeks.

[NotInterestedSorry]

He had 3 months planned before they even got together. Why should he have to sacrifice his trip and cut it short because she isn't okay with him being away from her for so long? It's pretty selfish when he made his plans known from day 1

[MikeTheBartender]

@NotInterestedSorry he had it planned not booked. I think half the trip is reasonable. Plus assuming he's loyal, why would he want to go 3 months without sex? No trip is worth that!

[Asker]

Second this! A lot of people are answering this as if this trip has always been planned which isn’t the case! It was a very vague idea that he *might* go to Australia it was never a burning desire or a lifelong dream it was just a passing idea which has now manifested. There was no talk of time frame or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Just go on a cruise 3 months without him.
🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t understand why y’all cry so much.

B—tch and cry, day in and day out.

In my case; you cheat, I cheat. You disrespect me I disrespect you. You punch, I punch.

[Staximus]

You knew he had this plan all along. You can't expect him to change it to suit your preferences, that's controlling. He should have asked to go with him for a couple weeks, but then there will be even more sad feelings when you have to leave him there. Let him go. If he loves you, he will come back to you.

[RedInnocent68]

Yes. Australia? You know he’s going to get hammered every night and smash everything that moves. He’ll either never come back or come back and marry right away. What do you want. And what are you prepared to do or let him have?

[craftygoose]

In all honesty someone who doesn't respect your wishes isn't the person you should be with... I would miss my girl to go on a trip for 3 months , maybe he's still single in his head.. some are like that

[NotInterestedSorry]

But he made his plans known before they even got together. Why should he have to sacrifice what could be a once in a life time trip because she can't handle being away from him. It's pretty selfish of her to want him to cut his trip short. It's 3 months. It's not like he is going for a year, it's 3 months only and those 3 months will fly by.

[boggboss]

Not really sure what to say or what u are asking here yes u have a right to be upset

[Twalli]

If you're meant to be together you'll last. My parents did when my mom was in Sweden and my dad was in LA. He was able to visit her once.

[DreamLife7]

Girl he's never coming back 🤣. He used you for 3 years until he finishes college. I think there's another woman in Australia honestly

[Anonymous]

He might end up cheating on u with a Kangaroo. Becareful!

[midnightmoon05]

Stop complaining… go join him!

[lightbulb27]

Yes. talk? solve?

[jimmy2]

Wow yes that wrong of him

[NotInterestedSorry]

No it's not. He told her 3 or more years ago this was his plan to go to Australia for 3 months. He didn't just spring it on her. She has known about it 3 months so he is not the bad guy and it is not wrong of him to want to go.

It's 3 months and if he waits for her he will miss on travelling to Australia during summer. Summer starts in December for Australia. Her wanting him to wait a few months means he won't get to Australia until autumn or winter. Also why should he have to cut his trip short just because she can't handle being away from him. It's 3 months.