Looking for advice, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Looking for some advice or words of wisdom.
Cultural/age differences in relationship

I'm 30, dating a 41 year old Muslim man.
I'm not sure if this is a cultural difference or just a difference in lifestyle/habits/ ways of being and viewpoints.

We've had differences in our relationship. It felt like he wanted me to have specific things in order to commit to me. I. e my own place, which I have now. Even with this now resolved, I find him not making an effort to visit me or offer to come over my way. A big part of me thinks he creates excuses that are superficial and I've grown tired of the goal posts changing as I've compromised an progressed whereby he's not done anything I've requested or suggested that would benefit us both.

Anyway, there was something else we clash on.
Whenever his mum and sister visits they stay at his house and use his on suite. Whenever they stay, it's clear I can't stay over. It's like it's frowned upon despite me staying over once prior whilst his mum was there. He bought them a house for when they visit because he used to complain he needed his own space and felt like a child not being able to do his own thing in his own home, as he often would come home late an his mum would bombard him with calls/texts like he is a teen again.
I feel a bit annoyed to hear that he doesn't create boundries with them, as its me who hears about the fallout. I'm annoyed that he hasn't once suggested they stay at the house he bought them, as it will just take its toll on our relationship.
Last time they visited, I didn't see him for days. It was poorly communicated. He's suggested we meet up romantically at the house he bought them to live in! In hearing that I felt livid. Like why should we have to do that. We are both adults and we are in a relationship.

It really worries me that we won't be able to actually have a relationship/family for our own without our needs being dropped for them, or at least my wishes

[abc3643]

My instincts are to tell you to move on and that no good will come from remaining with him.

Look, a lot of non-Muslims are going to say that women are second-class citizens in Muslim societies.
At the same time, a lot of devout Muslims are going to say that's not so.
So, who to believe?

Well, a good source of objective information is Pew Research which is a famous non-partisan entity.
Here's what they have to say about women and Islam after doing an extensive survey of Muslims in their countries...
========

https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2013/04/30/the-worlds-muslims-religion-politics-society-overview/

REPORT
April 30, 2013

THE WORLD’S MUSLIMS: RELIGION, POLITICS AND SOCIETY

Overview

Overwhelming percentages of Muslims in many countries want Islamic law (sharia) to be the official law of the land, according to a worldwide survey by the Pew Research Center. But many supporters of sharia say it should apply only to their country’s Muslim population.

Moreover, Muslims are not equally comfortable with all aspects of sharia: While most favor using religious law in family and property disputes, fewer support the application of severe punishments – such as whippings or cutting off hands – in criminal cases. The survey also shows that Muslims differ widely in how they interpret certain aspects of sharia, including whether divorce and family planning are morally acceptable.

The survey involved a total of more than 38,000 face-to-face interviews in 80-plus languages. It covered Muslims in 39 countries, which are divided into six regions in this report – Southern and Eastern Europe (Russia and the Balkans), Central Asia, Southeast Asia, South Asia, the Middle East and North Africa, and sub-Saharan Africa.

...

Sharia

Sharia, or Islamic law, offers moral and legal guidance for nearly all aspects of life – from marriage and divorce, to inheritance and contracts, to criminal punishments. Sharia, in its broadest definition, refers to the ethical principles set down in Islam’s holy book (the Quran) and examples of actions by the Prophet Muhammad (sunna). The Islamic jurisprudence that comes out of the human exercise of codifying and interpreting these principles is known as fiqh. Muslim scholars and jurists continue to debate the boundary between sharia and fiqh as well as other aspects of Islamic law.

...

https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2013/04/30/the-worlds-muslims-religion-politics-society-women-in-society/

Chapter 4: Women In Society

In nearly all countries surveyed, a majority of Muslims say that a wife should always obey her husband. At the same time, there also is general agreement – at least outside sub-Saharan Africa – that a woman should have the right to decide for herself whether to wear a veil in public.

Muslims are less unified when it comes to questions of divorce and inheritance. The percentage of Muslims who say that a wife should have the right to divorce her husband varies widely among the countries surveyed, as does the proportion that believes sons and daughters should inherit equally.

In some, but not all, countries surveyed, Muslim women are more supportive of women’s rights than are Muslim men. Differences on these questions also are apparent between Muslims who want sharia to be the official law of the land in their country and those who do not.

...

Wives’ Role
Muslims in most countries surveyed say that a wife should always obey her husband. In 20 of the 23 countries where the question was asked, at least half of Muslims believe a wife must obey her spouse.

Muslims in South Asia and Southeast Asia overwhelmingly hold this view. In all countries surveyed in these regions, roughly nine-in-ten or more say wives must obey their husbands. Similarly, in all countries surveyed in the Middle East and North Africa, about three-quarters or more say the same.

...

Sharia and Women’s Rights
Overall, the survey finds that Muslims who want sharia to be the law of the land in their country often, though not uniformly, are less likely to support equal rights for women and more likely to favor traditional gender roles.

...

Differences between those who want sharia to be the official law and those who do not are most pronounced when it comes to the role of wives.

...

Muslims who favor an official role for sharia also tend to be less supportive of granting specific rights to women. For instance, in six countries, those who want Islamic law as the official law are less likely to say women should have the right to divorce, including in Russia (-34 percentage points), Morocco (-19) and Albania (-19). However, the opposite is true in Bangladesh (+13) and Jordan (+12).

Additionally, in seven countries, supporters of sharia as the official law of the land are less likely to say sons and daughters should receive equal inheritance. And in five countries, those who favor sharia as the official law are less likely to believe a woman should have the right to decide whether to wear a veil in public.

========

So, if you stay with this guy, you need to know where he stands regarding women and Islam. In particular, you need to know what his attitudes are about sharia law.

The Council on Foreign Relations has a decent article explaining sharia law.

https://www.cfr.org/backgrounder/understanding-sharia-intersection-islam-and-law

Understanding Sharia: The Intersection of Islam and the Law
Sharia guides the personal religious practices of Muslims worldwide, but whether it should influence modern legal systems remains a subject of intense debate.

Summary
* Sharia is the ideal form of divine guidance that Muslims follow to live a righteous life. Human interpretations of sharia, or fiqh, are the basis of Islamic law today.
* About half the world’s Muslim-majority countries have sharia-based laws, and most Muslims worldwide follow aspects of sharia in their private religious practices.
* Debate continues to flare over sharia’s place in the modern world, particularly with regard to its teachings relating to criminal justice, democracy, and social equality.

[Tim2nice]

As an ex Muslim I’d strongly advise you to dump him. There’s no future for you. Get out quick

[Carina0]

In Muslims, premarital sex is not something that is very much approved of, so I think that he might want to keep your relationship secret. Generally Muslim men are more comfortable about it, but this man doesn't want to be known as such. You can talk to him about it and tell him that you are uncomfortable and think about whether you really want to go to all this trouble.

[AmeerX]

That guy is just using her for secret relationship and she can't see it.

[Random_g]

I think he is torn apart between his religious beliefs/obligations and you..

I can imagine him be that guy who would ask anonymously "i'm a religious man but i'm in this haram relationship where i reaaaally love this girl but i know my parents won't accept her.. what should i do?"

[Drumlin2001]

Dosen't sound like there's much of a future. You'll always be a second thought behind his family.

[AmeerX]

If he loved you he would have married you. Congratulations, you have been duped.

I am a Muslim too by the way

[Emanon25]

He probably wants to keep your relationship after marriage.

[Asker]

What do you mean

[Emanon25]

Do you want to pm

[Asker]

Yeah ok

[Emanon25]

Okay