Looking for advice. What would you do if you were me?

[Anonymous]

Looking for some advice.

I'm 29 and I live with my older brothe, 30. Although he's never usually home because he's always at his gfs house.

I'm considering getting my own place beacuse his relationship with her is toxic. She has clear drug an alcohol problems, has problems with her ex partner who she claims was abusivean is a drug dealer who does dodgey stuff. She claimed she wanted a restraining order against him, although she's never followed through on that.
She has 2 kids to her ex, an he is still in contact for visiting purposes.

Anyway, she cheated on my bro with her ex and later claimed it was something else that happened. She refused to press charges which is fair enough but to me its a red flag.
Last week she assaulted my bro infront of her two children, he drunk drove home an had scratch marks all up his arms from her supppsedly pushing him down the stairs. He doesn't remember what happened and she states he wouldn't leave her house.

I'm absolutely fed up of the pair of them and feel indirectly involved as he continues to bring her home to stay here. All after everything I've heard from him. I've seen him suicidal over this woman and then I've seen him bleeding from her scratch marks up his arms.

I work in a mentally draining role. I deal with a lot of MH problems on a daily basis an find this all taxing to me and my MH. I advised him of what to do. He didn't listen.

So now I am looking at my options to live alone elsewhere.
I don't know how to politely word this outcome to him.
He's also a bit selfish, he will just come home and tell me she is staying over despite him knowing I feel sick an uncomfortable with it.
I've been in a domestically abusive relationship and this is triggering.
I just don't have the tolerance for this BS.

He's due to come home with her tonight after they've went our for drinks. I am dreading it.
I've barely slept and feel like I'm living in survival mode.

[HollyK21]

Honestly this may have been the outcome even if they were a perfect couple. At some point, one of you was going to get in a relationship, start a family and basically have your own life. It’s like leaving the nest at your parents home, that’s part of growing up. I’m sorry about your situation, especially the triggering aspects of it, one of the worst feelings is being a prisoner in your own home.


I’d say to just try and keep your distance, don’t engage with her at all. If you contribute to rent and he relies on your portion then I guess you can’t avoid telling him you’re gonna move out prior to actually doing it. So once you’ve got your ducks in order, then tell him you’re moving, don’t ask his opinion or tell him why — he knows why. Give him reasonable notice to finding a roommate, usually 30-60 days is standard.


I’m sure this isn’t the route you prefer going, like maybe you feel forced to move before you’re quite ready because of their toxic relationship. But what else can you do? They’re not breaking up any time soon and you can keep subjecting yourself to toxicity and triggers. It’s just time to go, whether he likes it or not.