My boyfriends friend/work acquaintance kissed me while we were drunk. What should I do?

[Beachygirl123]

My boyfriend is away at work and I moved to his city to be closer to him. I typically go out with his friends since I don’t have any of my own friends in this city yet. I trust his friends and let loose around them. They do like to party pretty hard and I told my boyfriend I don’t think I should drink anymore because I tend to take it too far and lose my memory but my boyfriend wants us to drink because he loves going out and having fun together. Well, last week I went out with his friends and his work colleague met up with us while we were out. I don’t remember what happened exactly but I do remember his work colleague kissing me while we were outside in the front yard. I feel so devastated and disgusted that I was so drunk I allowed it to happen. I wanted to talk to his friend to get the details and find out if this really did happen or not but i haven’t seen him out again with our friends since. Should I tell my boyfriend I think this might have happened or do I keep my mouth shut to avoid hurting him over something so meaningless and stupid? Please don’t give me moral lectures, believe me I am already beating myself up over this. I am simply looking for advice. Should I tell him or just be quiet and never allow it to happen again?

[Anonymous]

It’s nice to have mutual friends with your partner, but I do think having your own is important as well and that’s something you should work on. There are apps to make friends, I’ve used meetup and Neighborhood. Given the situation I just think creating some separation from the group would be good, that’s all. Then you don’t have to be seeing and dealing with this friend. Also this part isn’t a lecture but please try getting an idea of your tolerance level with alcohol going forward. If you know drinking isn’t a great idea or you want to do it less, use your own mind and your own judgment, you don’t need the go-ahead from your man. You can still go out without matching his pace, you don’t have to be one of the boys.

[Beachygirl123]

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it and I am working on making new friends. I agree with you. I did quit drinking for a few months and felt great while I stopped but unfortunately I give in eventually because my boyfriend and his friends party a lot and i give in 😔

[Opinion Owner]

It’s ok to drink if that’s what you want to do, even being tipsy is fine, but you don’t have to match your boyfriend, that’s all. Have a drink or two and sip on them, see how you feel. Remember to give your drinks a chance to catch up to you, sometimes you’ll be going hard with the drinks thinking they’re not hitting you until they do later but all at once lol so avoid that. It’s good you’re trying to make your own friends, I’ve been in that boat too when my boyfriend and I moved.

[Light_beam]

@Opinion owner ! that is great and too much to read actually ! but you forgot to answer her question , ABOUT KISSING HIS FRIEND !!!

[Opinion Owner]

@light_beam I did answer it, by suggesting she hang out with other people and create some distance between herself and that friend.

[Faith18letsgo]

Absolutely you should tell him. The whole truth nothing but the truth. It’ll be better coming from you and soon. I’m so serious please listen to me I think your relationship will be totally fine. But I wouldn’t emphasize that he wanted you to drink it’ll feel like you’re blaming him. Tell him ASAP

You are not in the wrong his colleague is. Kissing someone without there permission is wrong. Being kissed by someone you didn’t want to be kissed by just sucks.

[Friendlybro79]

Your answer might be found in if you were to ask yourself would you want him to tell you if roles were reversed and how would that make you feel.

Also, no lecture, because we're all human, make mistakes, and that doesn't make us bad people. For health and safety reasons follow your instincts about not drinking so much. If you stop remembering things, and in essence black out sort of, you're putting yourself in an unsafe situation. Regardless of your boyfriend is with you or not this can't be healthy. I'm not trying to beat you up over it just concerned.

[spartan55]

Cheating is not a mistake. Forgetting your keys is a mistake.

[Beachygirl123]

Yea, blacking out and not being able to set limits for myself with alcohol is very scary. I always knew this was a problem for me but it wasn’t until this happened (something that I never imagined could ever possibly happen) did I realize how quickly you can blow up your life if you continue on this path. Waking up and not being able to remember events of the night or specifics leaves me with the most insane anxiety, I can’t even tell you

[Friendlybro79]

Yeah I'm sure it's very upsetting. So what have you decided?

[Constatine]

you have a boyfriend and kissed another man while being drunk.

Well you lady. being drunk is no excuse what so ever and even do you where "drunk " you let it happen... read... you kissed him back right? or didn't you.

even so it happend and if you truly sorry for what happend you should come clean before someone else tells him what happend. It will be hard and it can end badly , but at least he heard it from you while looking into your eyes seeing that you are sincere about it.

I wish you all the strength to tell him..

[Constatine]

Also this is a good time to thinks over when it comes to much alcohol. you mention in the post below that you aware of the problem

[Beachygirl123]

Yes I know it’s a problem and I have quit alcohol before but my boyfriend puts pressure on me to be in his friend group and keep up with their drinking party lifestyle and that’s hard for me because I really can’t be around that when I quit alcohol otherwise I will eventually give in

[Monalisa77]

She said she didn't wana do it and her boyfriend encouraged her. He shouldve be encoursging her

[Constatine]

@Monalisa77 i understand but she is an adult of 31 years old. But never the less she should do what she needs to do.. she has to think for her shelf.. and do what is good for her.

[Beachygirl123]

I agree but you have to understand that when you have a problem with something you can’t be around it without eventually giving in. I have quit for several months and then always go back to it because I’m always around it. I know it’s on me to make the right choices but it’s easier to do when you aren’t constantly around it

[1stupidrobot]

Absolutely tell him. If his friend tells him first, you'll never have the moral high ground or the benefit of the doubt that comes from telling the truth when you're not being confronted or don't otherwise have to. Honesty in a relationship is a necessity, and it sounds like you already know this. It also sounds like your intentions here are and we're honest and his colleague took advantage, or was trying to. Out of curiosity, where was the rest of the friend group when this happened? Do they usually have your back? You might have some allies in them if they're your buddies and you've never been inappropriate with them.

[Beachygirl123]

The thing is, I really don’t remember and I know that sounds like a cop out but it’s true. I have drank heavily with his friends many times before and none of them have ever made a move on me. His friends have always been respectful of our relationship in the past. I don’t trust my momentary flash memory of one of his friends kissing me enough to come forward because I really lack on the details of the story. I wanted to wait until I see him again to ask him about it and inquire for more information before saying anything but he hasn’t been around since that night. His friends know how much I love my boyfriend so I think it would be hard for people to believe this happened. I just remember that feeling of being kissed and then thinking “what is going on, I need to leave and go home”

[Finchie40]

If you didn’t want the kiss to begin with , you would of pushed him off of you , so the fact that you didn’t push him off , is something you have to really ask yourself as to why you allowed it to happen in the first place , You are best to find out the truth before telling your boyfriend or probably best not to tell your boyfriend at all of you do not want to jeopardize your relationship with him , Yoir boyfriend will more than likely be hurt and devastated and might end up breaking up with you , so before you say anything find out the truth before you open your mouth about anything

[BoopBoopBeep]

Tell him. The risk that his coworker will tell him is always there, and then you're just f'ed because you weren't honest with him.

"I tend to take it too far and lose my memory" You're 31 and this is 2023. Not safe for a number of reasons. Get help.

[BeetleBro2000]

Tell him. Secrets kill relationship. If you tell him yes things might go bad, but if you don't tell him things are guaranteed to go bad. Do you really want to be hiding that from him forever? And the longer you wait the worse it will get. Tell him, quickly. Give him the choice of how he will handle it, as you already have your choice of how to handle it.

[ohmyguy]

good example... not to trust your friend n girlfriend hanging out when u arnt around cause they can't be trusted... n be drunk n drinking too much ir any intoxication of any. kind.. is a lame ass excuse...



trust... gone.. ...

hope it was worth it

[Miristheiss]

If you think going out with other men and drinking is healthy, loyal, respectful behavior while your man is away then you really don't need to date. You are a HORRIBLE girlfriend.

You don't know anything about loyalty and respect.

[Beachygirl123]

My boyfriend only wants me to go out with his friends… he gets annoyed with me when I don’t go hangout with his friends on the weekends. I also told him I want to quit drinking but he said he doesn’t want me to stop drinking but just wants me to stop blacking out but that’s hard to do for me when it comes to alcohol I lose all control. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

[Miristheiss]

He doesn't want me to stop drinking... he just wants me to stop "BLACKING OUT"?

Yeah, this is messed up.

[he-takes-a-part]

You seek moral sanction. That's what I get. Your moral allegiance remains to whom? You answer this. In short run you are gone maybe left. And in long run if left then also both will learn lesson. If together he will in future do tit for tat. You may tell him do this tit for tat and finish this off 1-1. And then we live happily. All said, I'm waiting in the front yard you little slut.

[TheorionMage]

Restrict yourself to non-alcoholic beverages... since clearly, his friends are predatory opportunists.
This is NOT a 'friends with benefits' environment. NOTHING good can come of a discrete full disclosure.

[Anemone978]

I guess you should tell him because you know you kissed him.. And if the friend tells him he will be able to tell if he brings it up to you that you are lying about not knowing..

[ItsChloe1999]

If it was me, I’d keep my mouth shut and deal with it if his coworker tell him. But I’m not the best person to ask as I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve been in.

[WhiteBoyChill]

@KrakenAttackin Well, at least she’s honest

[spartan55]

So, say you don't tell him and hope it all just goes away. You don't think it's going to come out sooner or later. Tell him, and hope for the best.

[BigDog1989]

You're in your thirtys. Partying is over hun. It's time to settle down. My friend who is 34, a couple months younger than me, is married, and is having twins. It's time to settle down and stop the partying

[love_conquers_lust]

Don’t cheat, don’t drink. Not necessarily in that order. It’s obviously bothering you, confessing here isn’t where to find absolution. Face the consequences.

[Monalisa77]

If her boyfriend is being an ass encouraging her to drink what else can she do (other than dump him)

[love_conquers_lust]

@Monalisa77 Good point. I would advise that be brought up so he sees the consequences of his actions. Their “buddy” needs to have his ass chastised too.

I’d say a good compromise when they go out, she doesn’t drink. Or they only engage in sober activities with their friends. Or whatever. Be creative.

[love_conquers_lust]

@Beachygirl123. OP, I wouldn’t gaslight yourself. Whether it happened or not, just the doubt you feel, is another reason to bring it up. Your boyfriend should be understanding, see what he’s made of.

[OddBeMe]

Shrug it off. Unless you really like the guy. But don’t tell your boyfriend if it’s only a kiss. Why bring that storm.

But I like your idea of partying less hard. If I couldn’t keep my loyalties drunk, I’d stop drinking too.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

A kiss is a kiss & you were drink so let it go & move forward.

[Cubus]

Tell him about it. Say you were drunk but you didn't go any further. Say sorry and promise you would never get drunk with other people again. You can't do more.

[soe11]

I don't know what to say, your a mature women, so learn lesson from past mistake.

I hope will get happy and healthy future.

[Luckycharms12]

Can party but don't have get drunk. I'd keep it to yourself. Because he and his friends will fight and he will end it with you because you can't be trusted

[Sasha0426]

So what if he ends the relationship?

[Sasha0426]

I don’t understand why things like this has to be kept a secret.

[Luckycharms12]

Going fuck up a relationship and a friendship. And guys normally turns into a fight over a kiss. Better take it to the grave no it's not nice but best of a bad situation

[Sasha0426]

I mean, would you want your boyfriend to tell you the same happened to him with another girl? Or do you want him to keep it secret?

[Light_beam]

You cheated on him , being drunk is not an excuse , no one forced you to drink..

[Beachygirl123]

Saying I was drunk doesn’t excuse it but it is important detail to understand the context of the situation. It wouldn’t have happened if I was sober so it does matter to mention that

[Light_beam]

no body knows if you actually wanted to kiss him or not.. but very well.. go on and tell your boyfriend that.. see if you have the courage to own your mistake and be honest with him..

[Monalisa77]

Her boyfriend literally encouraging her