Boyfriend spends everyday with his ex wife and kids. What to do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has been divorced for 4 years and we have been together for nearly 3 years. His wife was having affairs and wanted the divorce. My boyfriend spends every day at their home helping out with his boys (which I totally understand) before going to work helping them get up & preparing breakfast and the goes after work usually having dinner etc and returning home later. He also has the boys every second weekend. He’s a great dad (boys are 12 & 15) and I understand him wanting to spend as much time with them but that time is also with his ex. I see him every second weekend and even then he is popping back home to them throughout the day. He says his ex can’t cope with the children so he has to keep going there whenever there is a problem. They also often go out for meals together and even days away. I’ve always tried to be understanding but a couple of people say it’s not right. I don’t have children myself so am careful not to judge. I was married before and my husband had a son who spent time with us but my husband never used to spend time with his ex wife.

[OlderAndWiser]

It doesn't matter whether it is "right" or "wrong" to anyone else. You have been with him for three years and he is not going to change for you. Can you accept living like this indefinitely into the future or do you want more? It is time for you to either accept it or move on.

Some may say that this will change when the youngest reaches 18 but there is no reason to think there will be a magical change on that date, and waiting six years to learn that would be a horrible risk for you to take.

[Asker]

Thank you. Yes I need to think carefully.

[Anonymous]

I've known people who do similar things, and it always seems strange to me. How you or those women put up with it I have no idea.

He's basically living most of the time as if he's still married to her, minus them having sex with each other.

I don't think anything's going on between them, especially if she was having affairs and she wanted the divorce. But in each case I've seen it seems like the ex has some kind of hold on the man, and is quite controlling/manipulative. It's either that they use the kids to manipulate the man purely out of a strange desire for control him and he's afraid she might turn the kids against him, or the guy just hasn't gotten over her fully.

Do the kids have special needs?

[Asker]

Thank you. I agree with what you say and my boyfriend knows how I feel but it causes so many arguments. The kids don’t have special needs but the eldest one is a problem - aggressive, moody and very rude. The ex wife has recently been diagnosed ADHD and he says he has to be there because her mental health means she can’t handle the boys. You’re right, they may just as well be married and I’ve told him that. She is very demanding and at the first sign of trouble she’s on the phone to him & he drops everything to go there. Also, as you say, he may be hoping that they’ll get back together. Thank you for your answer.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, her being demanding and him dropping everything to go there is what I see in all cases.

I asked if they have special needs because I have younger siblings I've taken care of, younger step-siblings and I have young children myself. Even if they're not perfectly behaved (the 15 year old sounds like a normal teenaged boy), older kids are obviously much easier to take care of than younger ones. They should be capable of making themselves breakfast - my kids do because they want to do it themselves rather than have me or their mother make it for them. He doesn't need to be there everyday treating them like babies.

I know if that were me there's be no arguments, I'd be gone.

[IslaTheWitch]

Talk to him.

Show him your perspective because maybe he is unaware of what it looks like from your point of view.

Ask him for his undivided attention because even his kids have to learn that there are situations in which he won't be available.

But without talking, you can't change things between you and your boyfriend.

Make him aware that in the moment you decided to be together, he added you to his responsibilities.

[Asker]

Thank you, I love your last sentence about adding to his responsibilities- so true, didn’t think of it like that.

[IslaTheWitch]

You're welcome.

I hope you will make it to the point you feel comfortable.

Just don't be demanding. Make him understand you. A relationship is a voluntary union.

[WhitneySnow]

He’s just taking care of his kids and being a good father

[AviatorTom]

You are in a unique relationship. He sounds like a great guy, taking responsibility for his kids, and being a dad to them, while still having a relationship with you.

[YesterdaysChild]

And probably still having sex with his ex.

[AviatorTom]

@YesterdaysChild We dont know that.

[YesterdaysChild]

@AviatorTom The odds are he is. People have sex with their exes all the time. They think it is safer than random sex, which it is. This guy is really not ready for dating or a relationship as long as the apron strings are still attached. I'm not saying don't spend time with your kids, but they are exes for a reason. So to be fair to any girl he may date, do them a favor and don't until you are over your last relationship and are ready to move on. I will also note that a lot of people like this go back to their old mate. That would leave anyone else dating them holding the bag of shattered dreams.

[AviatorTom]

@YesterdaysChild Sorry, but the only thing the poster says is that he spends time with his ex and his kids... together, never alone with his ex. That's the sign of a good father, not someone who wants to bang his ex.

[YesterdaysChild]

@AviatorTom I also stated that spending time with kids is great. But... Not with you ex towed along, unless it is stipulated in the divorce decree that there will be supervised visitation with the ex present. Come on! Are you dating your kids or a woman, not your ex? What woman in her right mind would be okay with this unless she can't find any unattached men to date? Do you want to date the man/woman or the whole family?

[madhatters4]

i so long as you trust that there is nothing left between the ex and your boyfriend then you shouldn't worry. he's doing a great thing being so involved in his children's life and providing them with as much support as possible. it is also good when divorced parents can still provide a civil environment for their children

[Radiate143]

Why is he over there so much? There is obviously a lot still going on.

[madhatters4]

@Radiate143 just from my perspective. i love my kids. divorce would be a near impossible reality for me to expect. my greatest joy is being with my kids as much as i can because know they are going to grow up and move on. so if my wife and i were to get a divorce i would still want to spend as much time as possible

i mean do you think he really has something going on with the ex?

[Radiate143]

My boyfriend spends every day at their home helping out with his boys (which I totally understand) before going to work helping them get up & preparing breakfast and the goes after work usually having dinner etc and returning home later.

Are you seriously asking this question?

[Asker]

It does worry me but he assures me not. He tells me she doesn’t cope well and has mental health issues hence he does it for the children.

[Radiate143]

Obviously. Either way, he is still far too enmeshed in that situation. If she really is nuts, then I can understand. I knew a guy once who lived with his baby mother and it was really for the kid. I'm not trusting eniugh for that so Inpassed in the guy butnhe was the exception to the rule. You need to communicate with your guy.

[YesterdaysChild]

@Radiate143 He spends TOO much time there. So much that she sounds like a side hustle. While it is admirable to help take care of your kids, there is the possibility of too much time. I suspect he has not moved on, and the only thing he is doing with the OP is using her for sex. She seems moer like an afterthought than a girl friend. She has to face that the family and ex will always come first. In my opinion, she is just wasting her time instead of finding someone to devote more time and attention to her.

[Radiate143]

@YesterdaysChild well whatever the reason, he is still very enmeshed with his old family. Men take marriage breakdowns much worse than women generally speaking.

[BoopBoopBeep]

You really made it all the way to 45?

He's with "his ex" breakfast through dinner and they go away together for days at a time? Lady you're not even the side chick much less the girlfriend. You're the occassional piece of a$$ that I don't even respect enough to give credible reasons to. Oh she "can't cope?" Then he should sue for custody. But he doesn't, because she does just fine and is rewarding him when he goes "helping out" with her for days at a time while she can maintain her side pieces that she cheated on him with.

She gets the best of both worlds and you get played like a fiddle.

[YesterdaysChild]

I agree.

[Anonymous]

It's commendable that your boyfriend is dedicated to being a good father, but it's important to communicate your feelings openly with him. Express that while you appreciate his commitment to his kids, you also have concerns about the amount of time he spends with his ex-wife. Discuss the impact it has on your relationship and find a balance that works for both of you. It's essential to establish clear boundaries and expectations to ensure your needs are met while respecting his role as a father. Open communication is key to finding a solution that considers everyone's feelings and needs.

[Stefan181]

You need to have a good honest conversation with him about this.
He needs to include you in all aspects of his life if you want to be serious about you.
And then please I beg you... dont come across as if you are jealous of his ex... you dont need to give him red flags.
Maybe try and get him to see it from your perspective and that you feel exclude from a very big part of his life.

My option
Good luck

[Asker]

Thank you.

[Stefan181]

You're welcome

[sunflower00]

I personally think it’s great he’s spending so much time with his kids and is prioritising them - they are the most important. And that will obviously come along with their mother too unfortunately.

[Staximus]

They are divorced. It's his exwife's job to get her ass in gear and get them up and ready for school when they are at her house. It's his job when they are at his house. If she can't handle the responsibility of kids, he needs to go to the family court and have them change it so he has custody them most of the time instead of putting up with her bullshit. It sounds like your boyfriend is his ex wife's chump and just takes what she dishes out instead of standing up for himself.

[strateguy632]

recognize he is a great dad and tell him you noticed and that he should also share time with you

[Asker]

Thank you.

[JacobJordan]

If she can't cope with the kids then your boyfriend should be filing for custody. Clearly she is an unfit parent

[slatyb]

Dunno him and find a boyfriend who will make you a priority.

[DannyUk2017]

Yeah, that's red flag right there i'm afraid..🤷‍♂️

[Daffotul]

Move on, he hasn't moved on from her. So it's your turn to leave him because he is Not worth your time if you won't give you any of his

[Anonymous]

That's pretty odd. To spend so much time with your ex wife

[Iron_Man]

He does all that it sounds like he’s back together with her on the side

[marialucky]

its really bad but ı guess u should talk to him about ur feelings , just try im sure he s understand

[midnightmoon05]

Have you met his kids?

[Asker]

Yes several times. The youngest one is lovely and we get in well. The older one I don’t see much he is rude to most people and won’t join in.

[midnightmoon05]

That’s good.
He seems to be like a good caring father.
What’s your goal with this relationship?
Marriage?

[Asker]

I would like that but he hasn’t mentioned it.

[midnightmoon05]

Almost 3 years…you need to make a decision.

[Radiate143]

That is so sus.

[Longshanks1968]

I'd say you are the side chick

[Joker_]

give him an ultimatum

[Anonymous]

That’s easy, Get rid of him!