Do you think marriages should be couple-centered or child-centered?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I believe they should be couple-centered!

The best of marriages I’ve seen have been the ones where parents love their children deeply, but prioritize each other first.

My dad has always loved my mom immensely, their relationship has not been ideal, but it always made me feel happy to know that in the uncertainty of life, there was at least one thing for certain, one thing truly stable and enduring - my father’s love to my mom.

My mom often prioritized us - children, to which I often advised her against, as I believed the families are the happiest when the couple prioritize each other.

When they do so, then two people who make the family, feel happy and happy couple is better equipped to have happy children too.

I think lots of married couples shift a lot of their priorities onto children instead if themselves and I think that’s a mistake.

Happiest marriages I’ve seen were the ones, where men prioritize mothers of their children and women prioritize fathers of their children.

[love_conquers_lust]

Couple centered. Never stop dating your spouse.

I see the same thing with both my parents and grandparents. My best friend’s parents back in Kansas had a similar dynamic. No one was allowed in their bedroom.

Children pick up on poor relationship dynamics. So it’s important that a solid foundation is established. The core which everything is built around.

For instance, and this is something I disagree with my sister on, she decided to co-sleep with my nephew and still does. I reminded her that wasn’t what was done for us as infants. We slept in our own cribs in my parent’s room.

When I transported patients in a hospital, I got to discharge newborns and their mothers. Nurses made infants crib-ready by the time they were released by keeping them on a flat firm pad in the nursery. They had been used to sleeping by themselves in close proximity of other infants and nurses. It gave the mothers and infants a break.

My sister negated that when she invited my nephew into the bed. I can understand falling asleep nursing while laying down or something, but he is in their bed every night.

It also increases the risk of smothering him. What I read was keep infants in the same room in their own crib for the first year. It reduces the risk of SIDS, it gives both the parents and the infant a break from one another, it keeps babies in close proximity to be attended for nighttime issues, and it reduces separation anxiety while promoting independence. Then they can be moved into their own room after that.

I read it also makes weening them from nursing much easier. I was only there a few months helping take care of my sister and nephew after her operation. I very quickly learned the importance of sleep. Lot of late night crying and lots of attention was needed. It’s healthier for everyone involved if they all get good sleep.

My niece liked to sleep with my parents when she visited. I thought that extremely odd given I never wanted to do that with my grandparents, neither did my sister as I can recall. It made her clingy.

There will definitely be priority shifting. There isn’t enough time in the day to raise kids and maintain every single interest. But the couple’s core dynamic has to be preserved. Kids are fun, but remember who you first had fun with to bring them into this world. Cherish that love.

[love_conquers_lust]

I love the shape of your upper body. Gorgeous picture.

[dynamicyandere]

I believe marriages should be couple-centered as well.


It seems to be the foundation that a family is built on — not just biologically, but in terms of group dynamics as well.


Anything good happening in the marriage will affect the children. Anything bad happening in the marriage will affect the children.


The marriage creates a ripple effect and whatever happens in the marriage is going to affect the children directly or indirectly.


Also, having a healthy marriage is going to equip parents with the right skills and practices they need to be better parents.


Skills and practices like active listening, showing empathy, knowing how to comfort, knowing how to nurture, knowing how to control their anger, knowing how to apologize, knowing how to work through conflicts in a healthy way, knowing how to take responsibility, knowing how to be patient, knowing how and when to compromise or remain steadfast, etc.


There are so many things one can learn from a healthy relationship/marriage that will carry over to how they parent.


The key word is a healthy relationship/marriage.


Dysfunctional marriages will result in dysfunctional parenting and healthy marriages will result healthy parenting.


Children should definitely be treated as a high priority.


But, this is like how on an airplane, you should put on your own oxygen mask on before you help another person put an oxygen mask on — or else you risk both of you losing unconsciousness.


In a similar way, taking care of your marriage is you putting your oxygen mask on before you help someone else with their oxygen mask (parenting your children).


Both are important of course, but there’s an ideal order to address and resolve things.


And I believe it starts with the marriage.

[ethansf]

Well said

[dynamicyandere]

consciousness*

[dynamicyandere]

@ethansf Thanks! 🙂

[DizzyDesii]

I still struggle with prioritizing a partner over a kid so thats part of why I question if marriage is for me. There have been few guys I was willing to die for and I just don’t see it ever getting back to that level of love. I’d die for my (future) kid in a heartbeat. I’d also love the kid unconditionally. I’m not sure if I could love someone who isn’t my offspring unconditionally. I will say I’ve changed my ways for certain men and let a lot of shit slide, including some serious preferences and even what I’d consider a dealbreaker. In a marriage, I’d do/give some of any and everything to keep the spouse happy, but I just can’t say i’d prioritize them over the kid. At the same time, I would not stay in an unhappy marriage just to keep the kid content. there's a lot to consider ig but not really

[DizzyDesii]

My grandma put her husband over her child and even kicked her child out. My mom put her boyfriend over us (outside of the basic providing of food/shelter/clothing). So its hard for me to want to “prioritize” someone over a kid. The way they went about it never sat right with me. I’d just like the guy and i to cherish one another and still make sure our kid is well cared for if not equally

[Screenwriter]

Unless a marriage is couple centered, success for the long-term is unlikely.

A strong set of parents leads to well adjusted, strong children, for the most part.

My family had a power couple as parents and I always witnessed them working together. I never thought I had priority over my father in my mother's mind or my mom in my dad's mind...

Children are part of the family: important and integral, but not first.

[caring__1]

The parents are the role models for the children. How would being inconsiderate of your partner be a quality you'd want to pass on to your kids? Parents have the opportunity to open the eyes of kids and show them the value of consideration for others and belief in oneself. "Do as I say, not as I do" will never lead to positive results. Show them the value of a loving relationship based on consideration and respect. Show the kids by example that they are capable of observing, thinking, addressing, resolving and accomplishing whatever they choose. Insecure, selfish parents have a need to be needed, so they reinforce dependency in their kids. The more parents live for the kids, spoon-feed them and do their thinking, the more they're choosing to create insecure, dysfunctional offspring.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I have thought of this often and do totally agree.

Wise as usual.

[caring__1]

Glad to help. I've seen the results. Parents find it easier to blame the kids or others, without considering their role in creating the results. It's more functional to learn effective parenting before having kids rather than attempt to fix the kids after they are broken.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you, I don’t have children, nor am I married.

I was just wondering for myself. I agree that it’s a huge responsibility that needs a good mental preparation and knowledge.

[caring__1]

Just keep your eyes open when that time does come, and all will be well.

[AviatorTom]

A bit of both, it depends on why the couple got married. Many couples get married to have a family, and that should be their main goal, while others (especially older couples) get married to do things together.

[Apple1996]

Both partner and childern should be a equal priority

[TonyMetal___86]

Plus apples 😄🍏

[Apple1996]

@TonyMetal___86 yess ofc apples are top priority

[TonyMetal___86]

Miss apple's kids love their mom's milk and won't accept another, why? Cause her milk tastes like apple juice, that's a fact 😂

[mobiusforniner]

Gonna go against popular opinion here. My parents were always united together, even in abuse. My dad would often come home from work angry and take it out on me and my siblings. My mom knew it was wrong but it was important she was aligned. She often beat or slapped me afterwards just to show my dad she supported him.

I want my wife to disagree with me when she feels I’m wrong, especially if it concerns raising our children. And I want my children to see that conflict in marriage is ok, provided parents work together to resolve them in a healthy way.

[TheorionMage]

Nature evolves for preservation of. the species conjoined by the challenges of its environment. Not all iterations of a potential offspring evolve 'viable'. Where 'inheritance' of resources is the issue, progeny-failure necessitates hard decisions regarding CONTINUED 'partnering'.

History is rich with examples of such pragmatic pairings~
Fertility timespan often dictates the pragmatic values of the 'culture' of a society's species.
From 1st menses to female menopause there are potentially 13 human cycles per those years, ... roughly 435 +/- ovum. With WHOM those Ovum are chosen to be fertilized, is human life's critical decisions.

Once birthed, humans need nurturing and survival skills promulgated, as with ALL mammalian life forms, for that couple's genes to move forward yet another generation's span. Nurturing is a PERSONAL investment of time & resources in YOUR specific gene's future continuance. ~

[NathanDavis]

personally, my idea of marriage has the main goal of starting a family...

and, if I were to marry someone... it would be with someone that has that very same idea, and someone that like me... would be dedicated to their children and they're wellbeing in every way possible

but... it should be done in a balanced way, not an extreme one, there should be no reason to choose one or the other, both can be done, when things are done well and with the right person

also... I am very much open to a marriage in which we would not have children, and the dedication would be to one another entirely, and our other shared goals, and also goals that we might have of our own... and this of course, would also happen with the right person for it

[CalmUntilAbused]

What You described as Your own experience is most likely the most common pattern in families, and to be honest, as long as the husbands don't end up mistreated, it seems to work just fine. This way, the father's care for His children is kind of passed through His wife. As for the "unloved" men... I guess we kind of understand it. Children will always come first for a woman, even before Her husband.

[Joshydavid25]

I remember hearing a woman say this years ago, that couples should prioritize each other first and then the children.. The argument was sound.. That once the children leave, then it'll be just the two of you once again.. So ai agree.. A healthy marriage makes for a healthy overall family and turns out well rounded, healthy children..

[Djaay]

Americans believe couple-centered is the right way. But take a good look at American children and their problems steming from coupled centered or (me-centered) parents. I believe that as a family growing together with children involved should be (all as -one) as a foundation instead. This way everyone included are a family together , mind , spirit and soul.

[TonyMetal___86]

For the 1st time i fully support something that you have said 😄
Agreed 100%
We will love our kids so much and does anything for them but in the end the husband and wife are the ones who are going to be together forever, god makes a man and a woman one, the unification can't be done with parents, friends, kids or anyone else, the union is only between a man and his wife...

[7Phoenix7]

I think marriage should be couple centered as it's the base of a healthy marriage.

[ethansf]

Couple centered. Spouse is first, then children. The kids will learn what a good marriage is that way.

[DJB72]

God first
Spouse second
Child/children third

Only exception if one spouse is dead. Not divorced, dead.

[Jersey2]

Before kids the couple is all that matters. The children/kids come first. After kids leave the house, the couple comes first again and the kids are still looked after but they are adults on their own.

[sheikalana]

Couple centered until there are no kids. Once you have kids your marriage is going to be child-centered for very long time and it is your duty as parents to create a safe environment for them.

[Grond21]

You are absolutely correct. There are studies that have been done on this, and they backed you up 100%. You're going to be a blessing to your husband because of this knowledge you have.

[Juxtapose]

The person you are going to live with after the kids are gone is your husband or wife. People should really keep that in mind more and prioritize them.. unless they like divorce.

[exitseven]

onec you have kids they become child centric whether you like it or not.

[Staximus]

Anybody who puts their own needs before their child's needs has no business being a parent.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I think you don’t understand the question.

[Staximus]

I think you don't understand parenting. The child is the first priority for good parents

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I was raised by parents who sacrificed themselves for us and for whom we were the main priority.

I’d wish them to pay more attention to their own happiness.

Now I have to carry the burden of making 4 people happy, building up 4 people and supporting 4 people instead of myself.

I’ve been this way since 21 and it’s a burden, parents’ unhappiness is painful for children.

Children will be happy if the parents are.

I’d want me to be strong and happy, so that I’ll never make my children feel the emotions I’ve felt.

Parents make huge mistake when they sacrifice their whole lives for their children.

[Kelly6]

Marriage is always couple-centered, but as kids are born it changes naturally.

its uncontrollable