Ladies, gents, and everyone in between: what would you do if your spouse admitted that they didn’t see your jobs as actual work?

Question

I work as a secretary at our local high school and a library assistant at the local library. I work 50 hours a week (sometimes more). And my husband admitted that he “has a trauma bias” that doesn’t “allow” him to see my jobs as actual work. Therefore, this explains why he sees my one short day and one day truly off as a “luxury,” and has difficulty not expecting me to keep the house clean and organized. He said he is “trying to lower his expectations.” He has been saying that since we got married. How nice of him. He always says I don’t acknowledge him enough when he “helps” me with the dishes or occasionally picking up. I always say thank you multiple times and try to make sure he feels appreciated for “helping me.” But that’s not enough, evidently. Ooo and to top it off, he said he has difficulty understanding because “his mom always kept things up and she works.”

You may ask, “what is his trauma bias?” His mum disciplined him by charging money if he didn’t do his chores because he was working on a film project. His film projects are work; his pharmacy tech job is work. But my two desk jobs that I worked hard for while I completed my masters degree are not work and, therefore, should not make me as tired as they do. 😒 Oh! Here is a miracle! Me and my not work paid for our anniversary couples massage scheduled for today. Imagine that!😮🙃

What would you do in this scenario (because I’m about ready to slap him)?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

He’s comparing you to his mom. His mom supposedly did everything in addition to working, and that’s clearly how your husband wants it to be with you. He doesn’t respect your line of work because he doesn’t respect the dynamics of your home. He wants you to be mommy, able to do everything so that he doesn’t have to lift a finger.
He needs to see how much your work contributes to his lifestyle. I’d either cancel the massages or just go by yourself. If he doesn’t appreciate what you do, he shouldn’t get to benefit from what you do. If you want to be extreme, take a look at where your money goes. If it’s not real work, then it’s not real income, and therefore there’s no reason for you to cover any household expenses.

AutumnSerenity · Accepted Answer

Do what I did: enlist in the military and/or work in government. It just sounds like he’s stressed from his job and thinks you have it easier. I wouldn’t take him on because, at the end of the day, if you two were to win the lottery or have millions in the bank, this would be a non-issue. Chasing money causes stress & arguments and sometimes we say things we don’t mean.

JacobJordan · Accepted Answer

Start laughing and say "okay then you come up with all the money and I'll hold onto mine. You pay for absolutely everything from now until this date next year and then we'll talk"

Wife response: I could never make the amount of money he has even if I worked the rest of my life what he does and did for work is why we have the life we do. And if I were to ever be that foolish he would 100% say the above. He also allowed me to decide if I wanted to work or stay at home before we even got married. In a year I might pull off $60k which wouldn't even cover a 10th of what we utilize. Insulting your partners work is a very bad idea especially when men typically work longer hours then women

AydenHazor · Accepted Answer

I would highly recommend marriage therapy and let the therapist try to drum into his head that your work matters just as much as his and it's not your job to keep up the house, it's a joint responsibility. It sounds like he's using trauma based language to try to get away with being a jerk to you and being dismissive of all the hard work you do both at work and home, knowing that you have dealt with significant trauma yourself and that you might accept that more than him saying he thinks house cleaning is woman's work and is beneath him. With you working over 50 hours a week, if he wants the house kept up, he needs to keep it up himself.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Didn't you realize that he is like this before you got married? HITH did this marriage happen?

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

I've had real work before. I don't consider my current job real work. I don't care what anyone else considers it. I do it and pay the bills with compensation provided because of it, what someone thinks about that has no bearing on the number of zeroes on that check. I do not define myself by my job, now, or at any job in the past. Most of the people I know didn't even know what any of my former jobs were and only slightly more know about this one. Not "real" work? Okay, but I still have to go do it 40 hours/week for that non-imaginary money. If it's fake they can give it to me.

SphynxUK · Answer

I couldn’t live with someone like that. I was bought up to realise a job is a job, whatever that might be. You work, get paid, go home. Housework should be shared and worked around jobs. Just because you have a day off, it doesn’t mean you have to spend all day doing chores. How hard is it for him to put some laundry in the machine? Or dust and vacuum? He doesn’t have trauma. He just can’t be bothered to help because he thinks he’s above it. Ugh!

RealMarek · Answer

Tell him that if what you’re doing isn’t work you don’t see the point in it and would love to quit and stay home. Chores, after all, wouldn’t take 50 hours a week. If he doesn’t want to be the only one who has work, then he should be happy for you to the extent your job has any perks.

Staximus · Answer

Your job is already more of a real job than his, all he does is count pills and fill orders. Take your degree and go get an even better job and then tell him his jobs aren't real jobs. If he's not making money doing the film making, that's not a real job either.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

I would very openly say what I think about his remarks the very first time he made them. I would say how it makes me feel and that I can't see a place in our relationship for such unrespectful comments

mandyfire98 · Answer

He clearly has no respect for you. I personally couldn't be with anyone that didn't respect me.

LazerBean · Answer

TBH he just sounds mentally ill. But sure, tell him that since your work isn't real work that you'll just quit and he can take care of all the providing like a real man is supposed to do.

Still-alive · Answer

You deserve someone who respects you. this guy seems to think you're beneath him. thats not a good relationship dynamic.

sheikalana · Answer

If you're bringing money home how is that not a job?

RedInnocent68 · Answer

Kids play with chemistry sets and make movies on iPhones. His ‘jobs’ don’t sound like work either.

Fireguy17 · Answer

I would say spend a day in my shoes/boots, but since that would be impossible since she doesn't have the traing, she knows what I do is not an easy job and it is not for everyone.

LiamJHayden · Answer

lol He's ridiculous in this. You work and earn money. What he deems it is irrelevant.

HawkPerception · Answer

Hate to say it, but your husband sounds like a shit for that.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Most women work in easy and/or make-work kind of jobs.

JamesRandiDebates · Answer

In all fairness to him, your jobs really aren't work.

OGname2 · Answer

Dump him.

Rc2020 · Answer

He stupid to think that

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