What are some signs that your best friend's boyfriend is manipulating her?

[Anonymous]

My best friend has been given the ultimatum to cut me and her other friends off because we don't like her boyfriend's behaviour towards her. They've only been together 1 1/2 years. It started off well but in the past year it got violent. He grabbed her arm and he's hit her quite a few times when he doesn't get what he wants. He seems to control her behaviour by checking her phone to see if she's contacting us or anyone he doesn't want her talking to. Every time she goes out she accuses her of flirting with other guys and gets violent with his jealousy.

She's cut everyone off now except for occasional small talk (which her boyfriend still doesn't like) as she truly believes that we've treated her boyfriend badly. He has persuaded her that we aren't her friends, that he's her only real friend. It's because I stood up to him hitting her. I'm really worried for her. What are some signs that someone is being manipulated in a relationship?

Updates

3 mo

If I could give all of you MHO, I would. Thank you everyone who answered.

[1ash-Silver]

"My best friend has been given the ultimatum to cut me and her other friends off because we don't like her boyfriend's behaviour towards her"

1. This a red flag , he wants to isolate her so this could mean he is hiding something from her friends (people that sees her) because they will detect something is off and might attempt to save her.

"They've only been together 1 1/2 years. It started off well but in the past year it got violent. He grabbed her arm and he's hit her quite a few times when he doesn't get what he wants"

2. They have been together for that long so hiding her is very strange, no man should hit a woman and this indicates he is forcing her to do things.

"He seems to control her behaviour by checking her phone to see if she's contacting us or anyone he doesn't want her talking to. Every time she goes out she accuses her of flirting with other guys and gets violent with his jealousy"

3. He does not get to decide who she contacts , he has major trust issues and he gets violent. At this point her life is potential danger 😐 , I know people say that we must not get involved but there is a GBV Pandemic. This issue is very serious, he has already traumatized her and if she isn't saved in time she will either be killed or she will not trust a man ever again so he is ruining things for her actual "life partner" .

"She's cut everyone off now except for occasional small talk (which her boyfriend still doesn't like) as she truly believes that we've treated her boyfriend badly. He has persuaded her that we aren't her friends, that he's her only real friend. It's because I stood up to him hitting her. I'm really worried for her"

4. Don't take this to other social media because I have seen this going fatally wrong for the perpetrator , her boyfriend might get seriously hurt or killed by a vigilante and this might be difficult for her and she might feel responsible for it. He has serious issues and he is obsessive. You did your best to help her so far as you stood up to him hitting her.

The sad thing about this is that it is up to her to leave him regardless of what you believe to be correct. You should observe this situation and don't try to fight with him , I hope she leaves but it sounds like he won't allow her to. You have to somehow get a way to gather solid evidence without her or him knowing about it then report him. Hopefully she is not living with him and if she is you can try to prepare for her to leave , she will need some cash if you cannot transport her , she should take everything important with her such as her ID , phone and paperwork. She does not need to take her clothing other than what she has on and she should wear preferably clothing that is comfortable to move around in (not heels or super tight pants) .

She needs help , most of the time women in this situation don't listen to their friends. Does she have family members that care about her , you will do better with help.

[Asker]

Amazing advice and very helpful. Thank you!!

[ZiaCowel2000]

It seems from what you say that yes, he’s isolating her so that she has no one except him to rely on. So that if he does break her heart by cheating or being more physical that it’ll be harder for her to leave.


It also has to be her personality. Like is she a pushover? Does she always have to have a man or be in a relationship? Because I know a few girls who will alway pick the man she’s with over her friends but sometimes the girl never liked her friends etc, it depends on the person. Manipulation is clear if your self aware.

[Asker]

Thank you! It's weird because this is her first real relationship. She had a situationship before but it only lasted half a year. She isn't usually a pushover around her friends (never was around us) so I don't know why she's suddenly accepting all of this. It seems so out of character for her. Do you think the isolating and all of this is planned by him? For some reason, I don't think she knows he's manipulative even tho everyone else who cares for her can see it.

[ZiaCowel2000]

Tbh I don’t know. Some are aware some aren’t. I’m a manipulative person myself by nature. But I keep it watered down and never push my weight onto other where it would effect them.

I don’t know your friend but if he’s dictating her whereabouts it’s not the best environment for her. This is all up to her. If this is her first relationship she might not want to leave since she feels secure in it. Even if it costs her losing friends and only having him. Do you think she’s insecure? Or is she comfortable staying at where she is out of convenience?

[petitedollbabee]

Those are all very clear signs. Also signs of very obvious abuse. Unfortunately you can’t force someone to see how abusive their relationship is. It’s something that they have to figure out for themselves. The best thing that you can do is try to be by your friends side. But if she’s cutting you off because her boyfriend has convinced her to, then there’s nothing that you can do.

[Asker]

Thank you! Yes I thought he was awful but I wondered whether or not it was my business. I'm actually really worried. True, it has to be her decision and no one else's. I just wish I could get her to see what everyone else sees. I want to stick by her, it just upsets me to witness it but I've offered her a place to stay at my house if she needs to.

[petitedollbabee]

You’ve done all that you can do for now, with offering her a place to stay if she needs it. You’re being a good friend, don’t feel discouraged. It is not easy to witness the abuse that your friends boyfriend is inflicting onto her, I know this too from experience. He will be trying to isolate her from her social circle so that she has no one but him. But if you’re sticking by her side and offering her support, then he will not be able to fully isolate her.