Have you ever cheated on your girlfriend...?

I don't know if my boyfriend might be right now or not, but I want to be there for him if he does, as he's coming out of it.

Some signs:

1. He's been criticizing me lately for very small things, even the most harmless of comments.

2. We haven't been making love as much lately, even though I've been flirting with him and trying to turn him on.

3. When he comes over, he stays an hour tops, and he usually comes over to get money, pet the cats, and that's it.

4. He's been spending a lot of time doing things with this one roommate of his, and other times he gets short-tempered when I ask him what he's up to or what he did today. And he won't always tell me where he is when I say "where you at?" (I ask him casually; I intentionally don't interrogate him).

5. He's bought new clothes, gotten his hair cut, become more interested in cologne ...but he's rarely around. I'd like to think he's doing it for himself, but I wonder sometimes if he's trying to impress someone else.

6. A couple weeks ago, he randomly tried a really risque new sex position with me. He's never done that before. And a few months ago, he started carrying a condom around in his wallet. He's never done that before either. And I was already 4 months pregnant with our son (planned; he actually told me months before I conceived that he wanted to have a child with me; I happily agreed).

These are just my worries. I've been trying to remind myself that it's equally possible that he's stressed out, and that he probably ISN'T cheating on me. Fatherhood's a big responsibility, and he's planning on moving in soon (he also wants us to get married). I've told him that I respect his space, his independence, and I encourage him to hang out with his friends, especially when he makes noises that he's busy or wants his space - I tell him there's no pressure between us.

Sometimes I feel like these thoughts come into my head and they're hard to get out. He's cheated on past girlfriends. But he told me he will never cheat on me.

I'm trying to remind myself that he is not. But to put my crazy thoughts to rest, I'm accepting that if in the worst case scenario he IS cheating, then...

How can I be supportive of him? If he's cheating, then I want to be understanding of where he's coming from. I don't just want to be angry or self-righteous. Maybe he's really stressed. What can I do to coax him to share what he's going through? What can I say? Do guys want to be given space once they cheat, to figure out what they're feeling? Does it do them any good to be asked if they're in love with the other woman? How do you have a conversation with someone once they've confessed to you? What are the best things you can say? I want to be ready in case that ever happens.

Men who have cheated ...what would have been your best-case scenario once you were found out or once you told?What would have been the best conversation you could have had with your S.O.?

I appreciate your advice.

  • Yes, in the past
    Vote A
  • Yes, past and present
    Vote B
  • Yes, presently
    Vote C
  • No, never
    Vote D
  • No, but I'm thinking about doing it
    Vote E
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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's obvious that your more down-to-earth and ready for a relationship than this "boyfriend" of yours is currently.

    Equally like yourself, I hate jumping to conclusions unless it's just for protecting myself in a worst-case scenario.. But I can tell you honestly and without a doubt, that you are putting a lot of effort into him and he's not putting any effort into you (or at least it doesn't appear that way).

    I can't honestly say if he's a cheater or not, as I don't know him.. Sure he may sound like a cheater, but it's more reasonable to say that this guy is not the perfect match for you. He sounds lazy, self interested, and not likely a good father-figure.. (No job and buying clothes/cologne/etc for no plausible reason - I could understand if it were for his birthday or because an accomplishment, but he bought those things "just because he could")..

    I hope the perspective has helped but I strongly encourage you to wade cautiously into your decisions.. You don't want to jump to any form of conclusion.

    I don't advise you to use this advice against someone who you think is cheating, for fear you might get stuck in the scenario, but if you find yourself "doubting" the relationship - try to remember the positives of why you care about him (or her, for the guys)..

    Take care and god speed,

    ~ ArtistBBoy

    • Thank you. It's reminding me of all the reasons I love him that keeps me strong...

      I wonder if he will be more invested once our son is born? I sense he's trying (we've been going to parenting classes together). Maybe it would help if we went to relationships counseling, to work out how to give to each other as lovers when we're being parents.

    • My pleasure :).. Sometimes those memories are all we need. We get so caught up in the stress of our daily lives that we forget how much we care about one another... and relationship counseling works very well, but it ONLY works when both parties are willing to go. If he's unwilling then the counseling will fall upon deaf ears.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 13

  • Here's a sneaky way to tell. Take a super fine point marker (pick a color) and put a small dot on the edges of those condoms he carries in his wallet. When you can check and see if the ones you mark are still in their. If it still has condoms and no dot... Well that means he is using them.

    • Holy crap! That's exactly what I did a few weeks ago! I haven't gotten a chance to check, because he keeps his wallet hidden from me... Thank you for the suggestion.

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    • ...Don't markers rub off easily?

    • Not if they are permanent.

  • he is

    he thinks he has you already and is just taking advantage of the fact that you have his child and when he comes he will be more loyal I think

    but before the child comes out he is going to pretend he is single cause its like reliving the single days

    im pretty sure its just cause your his babys mama

    its f***ed up

    but he just is a ego driven man wanting new things while he already has you

    cause he won't get to try other people I suppose after the child is born

    • That's what I'm wondering about. Maybe he's trying to enjoy his independence. Even if he isn't cheating, it still hurts sometimes to feel left out of whatever he's doing. I can't pretend to be "free" or "single" obviously ...but then again, I also don't want to. I bet you're right - he'll settle and be content once our child is born, if I'm enough. And he'll probably find he has more independence than he thinks! Let a bird go free and it will eventually come back.

    • yes if you love something let it go

      and it should come back eventually

      but id just try and talk to him

      if he gets defensive its a sure sign he's up to something

  • He's cheating... plain and simple.

    I read your entire question and everything seemed to be related to stress until you brought up the condom in his wallet. What other reason do you think he would carry one? Convince yourself of whatever logic you'd like, but it's the clear sign that there is another woman. And since you have a baby on the way, you're going to be or remain oblivious to this.

    And to your question, no I haven't.

    • The hard thing is, unless you stumble in on the person you love in bed with someone else, you never fully know. You can suspect and have all the bad signs in the world ...but if you don't know, then should you risk a relationship that has seen happy times, as well as the stability of your son, for your fears? While the condom seems REALLY shady to me, what can I do about it? I offer myself to him, I've tried to ask him about it, I've given him space ...what else is left, short of stalking him?

    • What else is left? Realizing your assumptions are true. They are not fears, they are truth. I told you, convince yourself of any logic, as you just did. Your justifying the good outweighs the bad, and even throwing in your son on the stability issues. You cannot raise, nor want to raise, this child on your own. All this is logical, yes. But the sad fact is, he cheated. And you'll be oblivious to this for obvious reasons. So the only loss here, is your sense in truth.

  • Depends what you mean by cheatging...sometimes you fall in love, you don't plan on cheating, it just happens without you being able to stop it.

    That's diffeerent than just taking advantage of your position, or playing around with bimbos half your age...

    • Great username, BTW..

    • Thank you. Severus Snape was a good man.

      But as for falling in love ...wouldn't you want to be honest about how you feel? Or is lying considered a virtue in this situation? If you respect your partner, yes, you can stop it. You can NOT cheat until you're single, if you value falling in love as a sacred experience.

      If what you were feeling were love, when you fall, then wouldn't you end your unsatisfying relationship to pursue your new one, so your new love would not reside in the shadows?

    • I was honest in this situation. Boy was it fun!

  • by what you have it does sound and seem that possility of cheating could be there. if he's had a history of cheating simply him saying he wouldn't doesn't make it so. the only reason I know this I've read enough on line about it that those areome of the signs. myself other than writing stuff like this here and on yahoo answers personally I've never cheated oin my wife of 40 years now. so maybe one of those guys that has that type expierenceould be of more help.

  • You should get married before having a child, and be sure of the decision. That way you avoid situations like this. :)

    • Umm, people still cheat even after they get married. You're living in a fantasy world if you think everything becomes fine and dandy just because you sign a piece of paper saying you're legally husband and wife..

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    • We would have, but there are some legal stuff we've been working on. It's taking a while. We might have to be satisfied with a commitment ceremony...

      Regardless, when we do get married, I want him to know it's for HIM. Not only because we're going to be parents together (though I find it attractive beyond measure to look at him not only as my lover but as the father of our child), though I want that for our son - but more importantly because I want to make him happy too.

    • But why would I want to trap him in a marriage if he falls in love with someone else?

      It's the thought of him touching me after touching some other woman that makes me feel so hurt. So dirty.

      I really hope there's a reason why he's carrying around a condom that's innocent.

  • I hate to say it, but there is a good chance he is cheating. You should stop having sex with him at all until you can know more. You never know "where" he had been if he is cheating. If nothing else, he is not respecting or loving you, so you have no reason to be putting yourself at risk for someone that doesn't really care about you. The ball is in his court, let him show that he cares before you let him get close anymore, especially sex.

  • I've never cheated on my partner but I have been cheated on and I have been the other person. I'd say that the best-case scenario would probably be that the partner is understanding and admit to some of the fault. It really takes two people to make things work.

    You could try to contact Joey Greco from Cheaters to tail your man. Nearly all of those who hire him, already are pretty suspicious that their partner is not faithful.

    • So the best thing would be to ask if there were something I did...

      I've already done some shady things I'm not proud of to test if he was cheating. At this point I don't wanna breach any more trust. I'm just going to let it go unless he tells me something, or unless I come across something unmistakable. I'm tired of playing games. I just need to work on trusting him now.

  • errr I did on my ex...but that's only because she betrayed me on our break.

  • I cheated because I was young and didn't realize that me and my ex at the time weren't right for each other then... time changes people and we mature. Things would have been so much different now... I just couldn't see past the confusion and the frustration ... I was young she was younger... start thinking that the truth is the only true form of love... ever since then and realizing that if I cheat I will have to fess up... never cheated again... but way more honest now with my feeling and where the relationship actually is

    • Did you ever fess up to your ex about cheating? How did the conversation go, if you had one? Props to you for stopping ...I agree, honesty is the best policy in ANY relationship. It's not worth it to stoop to cheating (or at least, it doesn't seem so to me; I've never done it and never will).

    • Show All
    • What kinds of conditions happened that made you cheat, and what are the ones in future that you could see making you want to give in to that temptation?

    • as I said; then it was pure immaturity. As for the future... loveless sex less marriage... There is a correlation between happy successful marriages ... lack of communication, she cheated and I get pissed and cheat because I would rather even the score that loose her... there are millions of ways

  • Never, I could never do that , I have morals.

  • If he's smart he will break up so techinically its not cheating that's what breaks are for.

  • Guys that don't cheat, don't carry around condoms when they have a pregnant girlfriend.

    • ...That's what I thought.

      The thing that keeps me feeling so stuck is, I want to believe in him and trust him. Who enters an intimate relationship without offering that?

      But what you said, that's what I think. Why would he carry one around unless he were planning to use it with someone else? :-(

What Girls Said 10

  • most men who have cheated will cheat again. from how it sounds, his behavior is really suspicious. I am really impressed by how you're handling this situation. if you are worried, have a talk with him, and tell him exactly what you are feeling and why. also let him know you are very understanding if he is cheating.

    he should respect you enough not to cheat, and I firmly believe there is no reason to cheat, from stress to a drunken night at the bar (I say this because if your black-out drunk, your not going to be physically able to have sex, and if you're just really drunk and cheated, you did it consciously.. you were feeling good and chose to do it). whatever his reason for cheating is, you should really question your relationship, and since you are having a baby together it just makes it harder, which is an even worst situation for him to cheat on you.

    im sure you are stressed too, I've heard being pregnant is Not a relaxing, un-stressful situation.

    he should understand that you need his full attention and if he is cheating, he should stop being selfish by fulfilling his own needs (in one of the worst ways)

    sorry for the rant, just cheaters really get to me.

    keep being optimistic, and if your gut says he is cheating, chances are it is true. but if you really trust him and believe he is faithful, then just talk about what's been bothering you

    • Thank you. I have a hard time getting the courage to talk to him, because sometimes he gets tense and upset when I talk. But you're right; we have to talk about this kind of stuff. Couples need to communicate. I need some pointers on how to bring up issues, especially ones so delicate. If he goes on the defensive, then we'll never work through any of these things.

      Cheaters get to me too. That's why I'll always be faithful. Thank you for your support. :)

    • Show All
    • Might be over a year old, but f*** that first line.

    • link studies proving ya wrong.

  • I have never cheated on someone, but I have been on the recieving end.

    I suppose being supportive would just be to talk it out.

    I am not much help honestly because I do not understand why you would want to make this fellow feel comfortable with you, and be understanding. When someone cheats it is not becuase the person in the relationship did anything wrong, it is something with in them. Furthermore he is not respecting the relationship if he is cheating, so why should you be respectful to him.

  • I've never cheated, but I was the other girl once. It was 6 months ago and I still feel guilty about it. I could never stand hurting another person like that, knowing how much it hurt even me, being on the good end of everything.

  • never cheat, I have no respect for people that do that.

  • Sounds like he might be cheating. You should find out soon for the good of you and your child! If you are pregnant with his child you shouldn't feel bad about asking where he is.

  • I would never cheat.

  • I have never cheated, but my boyfriend did on me last year...

  • he's totally cheating! and normally I would tell a person in that situation to dump the loser and move on. but you happen to be pregnant, so I suggest that you try and work things out as best as you can and try to stay together, for the sake of your child.

  • He's cheating. All men do, either learn to live with it or be alone for the rest of your life.

  • Neeeevvvveeeerrrr!


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