Why is my boyfriend hiding his real feelings from me?

[Anonymous]

I know him for long enough. I know when he feels down but he keeps putting up the facade, that he's just tired or thinking of some complex guy stuff or whatever.

I can see right through him but he doesn't let me in and doesn't open up and says, that everything is fine. I can literally see him going quiet, being physically here but himself being absent, fighting on the inside, looking like he is preserving himself or curled up or flinching and even watery eyes. But he doesn't tell me. He just doesn't speak up. Ugh.

I only know he had a terrible time growing up and that he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents like at all but he is already beyond them and doesn't speak to them for a long time now and he assured me he is over them.

Why do men have to be so stubborn and closed off? It's starting to get to me. Men are confusing and weird. Doesn't he think I'm on his side? It's so frustrating! Can I get to him anyhow or what's the problem if he doesn't even tell me what it is? What is his deal?

[Oliverlogan263]

It sounds like your boyfriend has some major trust and intimacy issues he needs to work through. Here are a few thoughts on why he might be hiding his feelings:

- His rough upbringing probably taught him from a young age not to show weakness or rely on others for support. Those behaviors get ingrained.

- Opening up and being vulnerable is scary - it makes you feel out of control and like someone could hurt you with what they now know. Easier to internalize it.

- He might not even fully understand his own emotions, so how can he explain them? Guys aren't always great at identifying and expressing feelings.

- Admitting something is wrong makes it real, so by keeping up the "nothing's wrong" facade he can pretend to be fine. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations and your worry.

- Doesn't want to burden you or feel like a burden by unloading his problems. Thinks he has to handle everything alone.

The good news is he seems to trust you enough to drop the act around you. Baby steps - keep gently pressing him to share what's up. Let him know hurting alone won't fix it. He can lean on you too. Therapy could also help him work past those defense mechanisms to fully open up. Don't lose hope - keep showing him your shoulder is there when he's ready.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably opened up to other women before and they lost respect for him and rejected him. He learned a few hard lessons before he met you. As hard is it is for him he’s being smart.

Ladies you often set up a horrible catch 22 with your “oh I was a man would open to me emotinally.”

What you really mean by that is “I wish a man would open up to me only at the right time (which I decide) and it better be something that he is strong enough to ultimately resolve on his own.”

Women feel relieved when men share their feelings because it makes a man relatable. Relatable like he is another woman but it does not that it makes her respect him more as a real man.

And as horrible and brutal that as that is it’s just the ugly truth. A man is better off sharing those feelings in a safe environment with a counselor or a close trusted friend but not in front of a girlfriend/wife. He risks losing the most important thing he can ever have from a woman if he makes that mistake: her respect. Especially if he shares his feelings at the wrong moment (and she decides the timings).

I can still remember the deepest insult I have ever taken in my entire life from a woman. The insult was from one ex girlfriend right after I cried in front of her (only time I ever cried in front of her). She responded like I was less then human and that wound never fully healed.

She wasn’t the first woman to do that to me but she showed me absolute finality how women really (subconsciously) view emotional men and it’s heinous.

[Flatmanlewis]

This is the most accurate and profound thing I’ve ever read on GaG.

[Opinion Owner]

@Flatmanlewis the school of hard knocks has a way imparting wisdom on people.

Truth is I wish I was wrong but I’m not. The ugly truth IS the truth. Men are not special just for existing.

[Opinion Owner]

Also want to add that women saying “oh it’s alright if a man shows his emotions” are not necessarily lying. They might consciously truly believe that. But their SUBconscious loses respect for them. Subconsciously they see men showing vulnerability as feminine behavior and the subconscious is where dating, sexual and relationship decisions are made.

A man can only afford to do this in front of a woman IF he has the ability to persevere from what ever he is dealing with. But sometimes he doesn’t. In those cases it’s best he keeps that under wraps.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Encourage his honesty. If you put up a fight with him every time he’s being honest, he’ll learn that he should hide things from you. Try to be understanding, step by step.

That’s the best thing couples can do, be honest, understanding and non-judgmental to one another.

[Avicenna]

He's displaying masculine traits. You need to figure out how to get him to want to talk rather than forcing him to.

[antelope51]

It's not being stubborn or closed off... men are simply are wired differently, and this is a MAJOR way that they are simply different from women.

Hrm... at the risk of getting into hot-bed territory, I'm non-binary (although we can only choose one or the other gender on this site... boo). I've always been at odds with the emotional weepiness and need to over-communicate feelings that hormones play in me. It is one of my huge disconnects with feeling "female." Likewise, I have an MTF friend who said being on hormone therapy has turned her world from black and white to vivid color, because now she has "all the feels."

I hate that feeling. I prefer being cool-headed and logical to a weepy emotional mess that I can't articulate. And as most of my friends have always been men (because we have similar ways of thinking and I don't understand women's motivations or needs to talk everything out either), most of them are not unfeeling, and they will feel things deeply just as I do. But they are no more able to articulate what's bothering them than I am... and when you're stressed and anxious and trying to do anything but obsess over what's bothering you, the last thing you want to do is psychoanalyze your feelings and obsess over them even further.

Stress gets to them. Anxiety gets to them. Relationships get to them. The dog dying definitely gets to them. But do they want to talk it out and have a good cry? Fuck no. It feels better to push it out of the way and go back to feeling neutral and stable in black and white, because all those colors are headache and nausea-inducing, and it overloads us. So when you're asking for us to articulate our feelings, you're asking us, "Does it hurt when I twist your broken arm like this?"

[Flatmanlewis]

He is not hiding them. He’s struggling to sort through them. Speaking from a place of experience the more you pry the harder he will clam up.


Offer him love & support. Remind him that you love him and respect him. Then tell him these golden words: “I think you should speak to a counselor and spend some time on you.” Under NO circumstances make it about “you” or “us” or “you should be able to trust me” or anything like that. If you do you’re sending the message that you want the information in his heart for your benefit, not his.


Having been down this road with a righteous case of PTSD and navigating this in my own marriage I speak with, fortunately or unfortunately, some personal experience. Feel free to DM me for more if you like.

[sage2021]

I've had a guy clam up on me and shut off. He told me that when he has talked before about things, the person used it against him later. So he can't open up.

His childhood must have been pretty rough. I feel bad for him.

What would he do if he was sitting in a chair and you came up from behind and gave him a massage? Ask first though.

[strateguy632]

1, if you know hom a long time he probably is NOT hiding just does NOT feel differently than what he shows. so stop imagined he feels something else.

2, in general we hide feelings to avoid seemed weak

[sawno]

Why do men have to be so stubborn and closed off? Because if you are to far in the opposite end of the spectrum your girl leaves for feeling like you can't take care of yourself and she feels like your her child.

[DarkWinterNights]

Don’t push it. If he needs help he’ll reach out to who he needs to. Women get so frustrated with men not opening up until we do and we can literally see the moment women lose respect for us. Let him resolve his own issues.

[robhazelnut]

If you're truly on his side, would you be unaccepting of his caution?

[spartan55]

Exactly, her motivation seems selfish.

[robhazelnut]

Acknowledged

[exitseven]

It is right there in the guy code. Guys are not supposed to complain.

[Nikki1989]

Most men fail miserably at communicating anything.

[SotiCoto]

ASK. HIM.
Not us.

[KrakenAttackin]

You don't really want to know. If he did tell you, you would likely be disgusted and use it against him later. Leave him alone.

[boobliker]

becouse you girls never show your true feelings untill you split up

[OddBeMe]

Hey! You got to hide your love away. How can she say to me love will find a way?

[In_Trance]

How would anyone be able to answer this except your boyfriend?

[Enginn]

You said it yourself. He is thinking about guy stuff. You are a girl. He doesn't think you would understand anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Because men know better than to be emotionally vulnerable with women.

[Opinion Owner]

The fact that you're so pushy just makes us want to not open up even more. If you're on his side you would let him deal with it however he wants to deal with it without making him feel guilty and stressing him out even more.

[Jmmmfi4]

HE'S A TYPICAL GUY

[stratford]

Men aren't great at sharing their feeligs.