My stepdaughter (18 f) accused me (45 m) of SA. She lied and now my wife just wants me to forgive her. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Me 45 and wife 45 meet 4 year's ago and got married last year. When I first meet Vanessa she was a single parent. We meet through mutual friend's. She told me she had a daughter Emily. I was fine with that. But meeting Emily was a different story. She made it clear she didn't like me, which was understandable. She was a moody teenager who was use to having Vanessa to herself. I didn't push a relationship between me and Emily when me and Vanessa started getting serious. Having a step parent myself, I understand it's important to not force the relationship. I gave her a choice like my stepmother did for me. I made it clear that whether she liked me or not, I would be there for her if she needed me to be.


Two weeks ago my wife came home crying and screaming at me about me SA Emily. I was taken off guard, shocked and confused. She told me Emily said I had been SA her when she wasn't home and that's why she moved out. The police came and I was arrested. The whole neighborhood saw me get taken. It wasn't a nice experience. Long story short, Emily story didn't line up to the time's I was meant to have been home with her and I could actually confirm where I was. She told the truth and said she only said that because she was mad at me and Vanessa for getting married. I was released but my reputation was in shambles. I live in a small community and word travels fast and something like SA is heavily frowned upon. My wife came home and she apologized. But I was mixed up. She said she was protecting Emily and wasn't thinking straight that day. I understand her protecting Emily, but what I didn't understand was her jumping the gun and not giving me a chance to prove myself innocent. She asked me to forgive Emily. But I told her I need to get away for abit. She cried some more but I just couldn't comfort her. I just packed a couple of bags and came to stay with a cousin. What do I do?

Updates

3 mo

Names are fake for obvious reasons

[RavVid]

Difficult situation. I can understand V reacting badly as E probably had a well rehearsed story and V is sort of a victim in this too at a far lesser level of course.

E is an adult who could be expected to understand the consequence of her lies and presumably did seek those consequences. She was also adult enough to accept her mother forming a new relationship.

I don't think you should forgive E. She is an adult not a child. While Police in most places can charge people criminally for making a false report that is never done. In my locality a girl, for attention, ran out of a park screaming she had been raped. It resulted in an elderly gay guy being kicked to death. No charges against the girl over the death.

So far from forgiving E I think you should take defamation action. A small community might understand the situation especially if you are well known within it but there will be segments that don't. Letting E's allegations slide is tantamount to acknowledging the lies as true where as with legal action they will be tested and found to be lies. E should plead guilty.

[RavVid]

Thanks for the MHO and hope it helped. Just want to emphasis that E needs to learn there are adult consequences for her adult decisions. She is no longer a child with child consequences. So I think being sued for defamation would be a good consequence. There is no possibility of getting millions from an 18 yo but there is of getting the truth.

[OlderAndWiser]

You should ask your wife two questions:

1. Why does her daughter deserve forgiveness?

2. What does she intend to do to make sure that this never happens again?

My guess is that her responses will underwhelm you.

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t the police conduct a forensic investigation on Emily? Why is Emily not in trouble for filing a false police report?
You can forgive your wife and stepdaughter if you want, but they need to understand that they both completely ruined your life. Vanessa knew Emily didn’t like you, and she proved that she will always take her daughter’s word over yours.
You have a record now, which can affect your ability to get a decent job. Everyone who knows about you going to jail is going to look at you like you’re a criminal. I work in a small town police department. Sometimes people call police on others, in similar positions as yourself, just for walking down the street and minding their own business.

[RavenDarkheart]

I just now read some of the other replies to this thread. The sad thing is in addition to what you said even years from now, every time he walks into a store or restaurant in that town there will be some people whispering to each other where he can’t hear how they think he really did SA her, then did something to scare her into saying she made it up.

[zeitgeist057]

I agree and I think on one hand he should let Emily know that he understands that she is immature and acted selfishly and needs therapy, but on the other hand, she should expect a defamation lawsuit and criminal charges being brought against her, since consequences of her actions are needed for justice.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Sorry to hear that happened to you. That place seems toxic and unsafe for you.

[Avicenna]

I'm not surprised this happened with a stepdaughter and the formerly single mom reacted the way she did. This is a big potential danger with single moms.

Anyway, you will never be able to trust either of them again, and it is way too risky for you to be around either of them. File for divorce and sue the stepdaughter is my advice.

[blueonblack22]

Whoa whoa. I’m beyond sorry this happened to you. It’s horrifying that a woman (she is legally an adult) can get away with this accusation.

Just a few key points here:

• Emily is legally an adult at 18. She is not a child. Now it could have been even worse if a minor made up this accusation but still she is AN adult. She needs to be treated like an adult.
• Emily has not apologized to you. And no your wife “apologizing for her” does not count. No. She’s an adult and needs to be held accountable for her actions.
• If you are going to forgive Emily do it for yourself and not for your wife. If anything your wife should be beyond furious at her daughter. Don’t forgive just to make things kosher with your wife no. This allegation has already harmed you reputation and could have destroyed in your entire life.

If anybody should be arrested and charged it’s Emily. Did the police charge her with anything? She’s an adult too and she filed a false police report. That is a crime. If there was any justice in this world she should be charged with a crime that has an equivalent punishment you could have faced.

The fact that Emily thought this was an acceptable of action to take just shows what kind of woman she could be as she gets older. Don’t even think about enabling that. She could weaponize this against someone else in the future.

I do believe in forgiveness but it needs to be genuine. I could not immediately forgive someone who almost destroyed my entire life and already destroyed my reputation. I still think she doesn’t realize the gravity of what she did. She needs to at least f*cking realize what she did and how harm she caused.

I really hope all you #metoo dumb fucks out there are reading this story. It’s because of people like you we are now empowering the lowest forms of women to do bs like this.

[Asker]

While most states do indeed have such laws about false reporting, they don't enforce them on women. Their logic is " it will discourage actual victims if we punish false accusers" it's a page right out of the feminist hand book. Laws rarely get enforced on women.

[blueonblack22]

The only way I would stay in that marriage is IF the following criteria are met:

- First talk to your wife and ask her WHY you should forgive Emily. Her attitude matters on this. Because so far it seems she cares more about Emily’s reputation and her own then she cared about what you went through. .
- Demand a YouTube video be recorded with both you and Emily in it. Have Emily start off about confessing verbatim what she did. Then let it cut into you.
- You acknowledge the real SA victims absolutely should report their crimes. After that explain about the absolute living hell you have been through. Talk about how your reputation has been damaged and you now have an arrest on your record that will show up for job interviews, mortgage applications, etc. Talk about what has happened to your life in the small town.
- Have it cut back to Emily that she understands how destructive and heinous a false accusation is. Have her apologize directly into the camera. Also have her tell other women to NEVER do that.
- Have it cut back to you saying you forgive her. But this is testimony of what can happen with false accusations.
- (if you both agree on it prior) hug at the end.

That might seem like overkill at first glance but it’s NOT. Your f*cking name and mugshot would have been in the media if she proceeded with this SA charge.

That’s the only way I could forgive someone like that. Demand above. If she doesn’t want to do it then I’m afraid your only option is a divorce. Do NOT “forgive” her just to save your marriage. This will cast a shadow on your entire life and marriage forever unless it’s resolved.

[blueonblack22]

Also during your testimony talk about how you could have spent years of not decades in prison. Talk about how you be forced to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. Talk about how this would have “raped” your entire life.

This video will accomplish the following:

- It helps vindicate you which you 100% justifiably deserve.
- It punishes Emily BUT it also forgives her. You can give her forgiveness at the end. If you both consent to a hug then do it.
- It raises much needed awareness of heinous false SA accusations are and make some women think twice about that bs.
- It also has you acknowledging that real SA should be reported. But it better be true. Most people do want justice for real SA victims.

[normalice]

Well, no one will believe any accusation she makes again, so there is no longer that risk. The only thing to base your decision to stay or leave on is what you feel about your wife.

As for forgiving her daughter that's optional. When someone wrongs there there are three civilized options: you can work with them to change their state of mind so they don't want to do that anymore, you can cut them off completely, or you can forgive - but forgiveness is just accepting that they will probably always be a shit person, you don't have the energy or will to help them through it, but you share a space. So you're going to stop trying to change them and you're going to stop pushing them away.

But you can't put pressure on the wife to pick a side. That's a trolly problem, as you are no doubt well aware. Don't let how she is handling the situation have any impact on how you feel about her There's no longer a risk and you can separately choose how you're going to handle living with the daughter going forward. Once those two facts are settled in your mind, then consider how you feel about your wife.

[Anpu23]

If you choose to forgive her and move back in, make it absolutely clear that you will never be alone with your step daughter. Never for a moment, she is not welcome to stay in your home, she may not stop by unannounced, she may not contact you in any way.

Further you will file a restraining order. This means that if she does come over you have legal recourse. She accused you of a serious crime, that may have ended you in prison for many many years.

Second she must publish a public apology explaining what she did and why in the local classified section. Something you can refer to if the matter is ever brought up again.

Otherwise leave and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Put yourself in her shoes. Your kid comes to you and tells you that someone did something to them. Your first instinct is to protect your kid.

You also expect that they'd be honest with you and that they wouldn't make a false accusation, especially one so damaging as this - this is why she didn't wait to hear both sides of the story. It's the safety of your kid vs giving an adult who is possibly abusive the benefit of the doubt and putting the kid at risk.

She freaked out and believed her kid just like any normal parent would.

I can understand your feelings about this as well however. This is fucked up. Personally, even though I wouldn't see it as the mother's fault, this is something I couldn't come back from. It would be over.

[Asker]

The only way i would come back is if she publicly apologized, and admitted she lied to the entire town.. Otherwise my reputation in my small town is destroyed permanently.

[blueonblack22]

Put down a hard line on the public apology demand QA. Emily has zero right to privacy for what she did. None.

[gorydetails]

I would say you propose this to Emily and Vanessa:

1) Emily publically states that she lied about being sexually assaulted. On all of her social media accounts that she will make public, in front of the town council, and take out an ad in local media stating such.

2) Vanessa apologizes to you on her public social media and asks for your forgiveness.

3) Emily enrolls in counseling sessions to get over her anger towards you.

Only after these things are done can you consider the process of forgiving them both. If they refuse, then pack up, take your L and get a divorce.

[Asker]

I told them essentially this and they told me I was being ridiculous.. So I had her served with divorce papers

[gorydetails]

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

I’m out. Immediate divorce. Chances are nothing happened legally to her daughter for making a false accusation. You could have ended up in prison my bro. Your wife expects you to just forgive her daughter. Fuck no. You dodged a bullet. Time to dodge a second one by moving out. I know it may hurt you to leave your “wife” but maybe this will make her daughter realize what she did. She ruined a family. Her mother needs to hold her daughter accountable. I can imagine that she might do the same thing later in life to some other man. Take your shit and go. You’re never going to be able to be at home w that little shit there by yourself because of this.

[Ds4739]

Quite the rough two weeks mate.

Not getting into the hindsight, are you sure you want to stay with your wife? There has to be some serious commitment/relationship investment. Unfortunately, marrying someone with older kids is marrying their kids too.

Most states have laws against filing a false police report for this very reason. Some have made exceptions for sa to encourage true reporting; the down side is what happened to you.

My opinion, if you are even considering staying, they have to take an add in the local paper - 1/2 page or more, it has to be noticable - printing a retraction and apology. If they're not willing to do that, I don't know how you could ever trust that relationship. Next thing is you look at charges or lawsuit. Just my thoughts

[Asker]

While most states do indeed have such laws, they don't enforce them on women. Their logic is " it will discourage actual victims if we punish false accusers" it's a page right out of the feminist hand book. Laws rarely get enforced on women.

[DizzyDesii]

Damn. I could forgive but never forget and even though your wife is just being a good mom, I don't know how this is fixable. She’ll want her daughter around but if i werr you, i’d never allow her around me. So we’d get divorced because her kids clearly not going anywhere and after ruining my rep, i’d get tf out and stay gone. I hated my mom dating dudes but i never stooped as low as emily. My mom however wouldn't let me dress down in the house because she always feared her men would look at me sexually because she was sexually assaulted by someone as a teen. Why would she date someone if she didn't trust them around her daughters? And in your case, why stay married to someone who will now always have doubts about you (and if not her then her fam and friends will). This is so fcked

[PeachyPie93]

I would not forgive the daughter those are some serious allegations she shot at you, I personally would not speak to the daughter again. As for your wife, I'm not sure, since she didn't even talk to you, they both arrested you and sullied your name. Is she really the person you want to be with forever, especially with a kid who hates you and would go that far? I personally would sit on it and think, since this is your future. But me personally I don't think I could stay after that.

[pethouse]

Well I will put this in my point of view. Your wife was told by her daughter that you sa her. That’s a big deal. A very big deal. That kind of story can fuck someone up to the point where they don’t connect the dots right away. They say always believe a victim and there’s a reason to that. But people do lie. It’s a fucked up world and people do bad stuff all the time. I think most people with children could somewhat understand why she believed her daughter right away. Having a child raped is one of the biggest nightmares.


I do understand that you’d be upset though. Just be glad that you were able to prove your innocence right away. I will not give you advice on what to do from here because those are all your choices.

[Asker]

While I agree with what you say, what she has done (she being step daughter) has cost me my reputation, my company, my lively hood.. I want her to make a public apology to the entire town, in front of everyone, admitting she lied. That's the only way I can see getting justice for this.

[DarkWinterNights]

A lot of people don’t think very clearly when their children’s safety is concerned. But her daughter lied about something deadly serious and you were irreparably damaged from it. Even being proven innocent has tainted your reputation and there will always be doubt in peoples minds when they see or talk to you. There really isn’t any fixing the situation, the trust is permanently broken and she’s faced seemingly consequences for ruining your life. Since it’s a small town, you may have to leave entirely. It may make it easier if you tell her you just need to be away for awhile and file for divorce in a couple of months when things have calmed down.

[DarkWinterNights]

*She’s faced seemingly *no* consequences.

Also I just noticed she was 18 years old. There is absolutely no excuse for a legal adult to lie about something like that and face no repercussions.

[jaskin777]

Fuck no

1. Instead of screaming she should had talk to u

2. Don't go back in could be another trap


Pack ur shit up and leave don't even give those bitches a chance to be in ur life
U didn't deserve shit on what happ to u

[jaskin777]

They don't deserve forgiveness

[jaskin777]

Forgiveness comes from ur heart NOT. When someone wants ot

[jaskin777]

U can. pm me if uwant to

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this is a weapon used by females all too often and society has been brainwashed by this sick political movement to "believe women." You are just supposed to take their word for it when they accuse someone of sexual assault and men are constantly accuse of something that never took place.

Look what President Trump is going through now with this sick woman who accused him with no evidence at all, just her word against his.

There isn't much you can do about it except move somewhere else where people don't know you.

You aren't the first man whose life has been destroyed by this sick political culture from the left.

[Starrrboy]

She was going to marry you , obviously never saw anything weird or inappropriate coming from you , she knows her daughter doesn't like you... yet she didn't even give it a second thought and went off !.. and no need to talk about her crazy wreckless daughter who thinks falsely accusing a man of sexual assault is okay.. I think neither of them deserve your forgiveness... maybe they truly learned their lesson who knows , but a future with her / them seems risky.. and the damage is done.. imagine living with a person who at some point thought you're a sexual predator.. that's gonna hunt you sooner or later ...

[bolverk]

No, you do not forgive and forget, "Emily" is an adult and but acted like a tween, she should fully own up and tell the community what she did, any 'relationship' between you, your wife and Emily is reliant on that If Emily does not own up it is very likely that your marriage to Vanessa will not last.

Women do not realise how even just being accused of SA can wreck a man's life, it sticks and stays with him even if he is found innocent in a court of law, as the gossips that are in any community will never let it go on the grounds of 'no smoke without fire' reasoning.

[Red_Arrow]

Talk to a lawyer about having your record expunged. Also ask what to do about your situation now. And I would not "forgive" the daughter. And your wife wanting you to do that is a load of crap. Divorce is the only way you can get away from that hell hole!

[JacobJordan]

Nah mate that relationship is over. If she did it once she will do it again. Second thing your wife believed her daughter. Which in and of itself isn't bad. But the fact that she did so blindly means she also thinks you are capable of that. Get out and leave and make sure both the brat and the wife know the reason.

[LiamJHayden]

Divorce and have nothing to do with them ever again. There is nothing to stop the stepdaughter from setting you up and then claiming you really did do it before as well, but she was afraid to hurt her mom or some other BS. Just not worth the risk.

[Somoneelse]

I think you should file a report against Emily for this. She is old enough to understand the concequences of her actions. Telling people you got SA'd by someone just you were mad for him marrying your mother is a bullshit reason. Plus him even getting arrested in fromt of everyone in that small-community by cops adds salt to the wound. So I totally understan you wanting to have some space being away from her. I also completely agree you not wanting to forgive her.