My boyfriend doesn’t care about marriage. Should I stay?

[Anonymous]

So we’ve been together for 6 years. Living together for 5. We’ve been talking about marriage and proposal for a year now. However he did not propose.

Yesterday we had a serious talk about it. To sum it all up: he said that he loves me and ring doesn’t mean anything, marriage is also just a formality. I kinda feel hurt by these words, I feel so dumb, I feel like he was dishonest for the last year when we would talk about marriage - he never said that before. Then he said that after marriage he would expect me to change my last name. And I don’t want to do that. Then he said that then there is literally no point of getting married.

I’m so hurt that I’m thinking of leaving. I know that to some extent he is right, however I expected different answers. Now he feels bad about what happened and reassures that he will propose soon since it’s important to me. But I’m not so sure I want him to do that anymore. I wanted this ring from his heart not because I want it.

Updates

3 mo

To make things clear: it’s not about financial benefits (there is literally none in my country). And to marry him is actually stupid on my side. I come from quite wealthy family, I have my own apartment (on lease obviously), I make more money than he does (double amount). His family is broke. He helps them as much as he can. I’m fine with it. ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.
I don’t want his last name because it’s not random. It’s an ugly word. It’s stupid to take it and pass it to kids (bullying fs)

Updates

2 mo

His reason for taking this long - money. he has no doubts about us, but he is not doing it now because proposal = marriage and he doesn’t have that kind of money now. He had rough past 2 years. Basically his goal is to be a breadwinner first, he is insecure, he feels stressed out etc. So it opened a whole different problem here.
Our goal for now: we are starting couples therapy next week. We’ll see how it goes.

[Finchie40]

That’s up to you , if you truly love someone you would stay by their side no matter what , a piece of paper doesn’t define someone’s love to you. Sadly these days most people are scared of marriage because of all the nonsense they hear about with being married to someone , Most marriages today don’t last , and divorce rates sky rocketed over marriages. Your boyfriend is probably scared of marriage for that reason, and the fact that you don’t want to take his last name could raise some questions of concern as well , mainly because traditional marriage is taking your husbands last name , So if you truly loved your boyfriend , taking his last name wouldn’t be a big deal to you , you would be proud of taking his last name to show you value your partner , unless he has a horrible embarrassing last name then that’s a dofferent story lol Most girls’ that have gotten married , that didn’t take her husbands last name were marriages that didn’t last the long haul , most men feel disrespected by their wives for not wanting his last name , Mainly because Most guys’ have Egos , if he is with a girl that doesn’t look up to him that doesn’t fully appreciate him he automatically assumes he is with the wrong girl , A guy wants a girl that stays loyal and faithful to him , that isn’t afraid to tell everyone that she is happily married to the man of her dreams. When a guy doesn’t feel that from his girlfriend , he won’t marry her , he will care about her and be with her, but he will have doubts that she doesn t look up to him the same way he looks up to her. Love only grows when 2 people choose each other over everyone else in this world , Making each other your top priority over everyone else. Over your friends and over your family and even over your children if you had kids together , Your spouse is supposed to be top priority over all of them , If your boyfriend isn't your top priority over all those people, he won’t want to marry you, because he doesn’t feel totally respected by you. Just because you live with someone and have sex with that someone it doesn’t mean you both are in love with each other , Being in love takes the both of you making each other your top priority , by choosing each other no matter what what obstacles come your way No relationship is perfect , because no one is perfect , so if you want love to grow and to continue growing between you both , you have to choose your partner over everyone else period , the same way your partner should be doing for you. You can’t always be right and your partner can’t always be wrong. When you learn to accept that you can be wrong as well , that makes it easier for your partner to accept that they can be wrong as well , Nobody is perfect , But when you find someone that has your back the same way you have theirs , that’s where love grows between 2 people. If you are the type of girl that has a selfish mindset that thinks your shit don’t stink , your boyfriend is not going to want to marry you , Selfishness is one of the biggest relationship killers , if you don’t know how to remove selfishness from within yourself for your partner , don’t expect your partner to remove selfishness for you , it needs to go both ways.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Why do you want to get married if you don't hate your last name and want his?

Let me guess... is it for tax breaks? Do you have a major debt/debts that you want him to pay for? You have an eye on 50% of whatever he owns? ... Just why do you need to pay a court a small fee to legally recognize your enjoyment of his cock?

Be realistic... marriage is a waste of fucking time for real love. But you sound intelligent and probably understand why I have doubts about why you want it so much.

I'm genuinely curious as to why you want this so much. I was once in this position with my now wife of 20 years. Marriage is dumb in my mind, but we had an extenuating circumstance. She's in the military, gets moved around, and the military won't pay for me as well to be with her unless we are married. That's the only reason I bothered with it. Why the fuck do you want it so bad though?

You just shit testing him instead of being logical?

Real questions... be real.

[Moirine]

Just because you married someone for benefits doesn't mean everyone is. Same as a girl/boy sleeping around in their teen years and thinking it's the same for everyone... It's NOT!

[D_Bone_Steak]

@Moirine I agree 100%, so what is your point?

Or, are you just agreeing with me? I'm just trying to understand if you agree or have a point of contention with my argument. I could extrapolate on that point if there is one.

[Asker]

Wow. There is literally no benefits in my country. In fact - he is in debt and I own my own property. He would win in this. I literally couldn’t care less about finances in this matter

[D_Bone_Steak]

Now you have me really interested in why... is he like an uber-sexy stud muffin or something?

Sorry if I sounded all ethnocentric there for a while (didn't know you from somewhere else)... Here in the States, the ladies, they tend to not even give a guy the chance unless he's got money... or... if he's just a super sexy stud. She'll cheat on her man with money for the stud, but... Usually, they give up on the studs and seek out ole money bags. 😂 ... usually after she's all blown out and starting to age.

[Dela_99]

So why are you acting like prenups are not a thing lmao?

[D_Bone_Steak]

@Dela_99 Prenups get overturned easily in court. They're nothing more than false security for the man. I say for the man because the court holds a double standard for the women... just a fact.

The prenuptial agreement isn't going to go far as soon as the lawyer appointed to her, paid for by you, tells her to say something like "I only signed it under duress."

The only way to avoid all that mess... is to avoid marriage in general. I'm fine with love but when love has to be made legally binding... why are these monkies doing all that shit? Just love each other. But I'm the retard and they're the smart ones. Why? Nobody will tell you one way or the other. But for some reason, men, in general, are pushed to just do it like it's the best thing for them. Just why? I have no idea but anyone's Mom seems to do it and every other woman seems to support it.

Let me ask you woman, what would I have to gain if I married you? ... That's where my logic is coming from. I wouldn't gain anything... especially if I'm already banging the pussy. I would only stand to lose. But feel free to prove me wrong.

Meanwhile... I'll view the marriage institution as a way to enslave men for financial gain.

[PetLover24]

Marriage was designed for a woman to take a man's last name in majority of the world. In history there are only a few cultures or a few exceptions where this did not happen.

So if you don't intend to take his first name, why are you bothering to get married?

You live together - so BY LAW (do you know nothing?) you ARE common law partners which in many areas is similar to marriage anyway. So WHAT exactly IS marriage adding that you DON'T already have? Except for an expensive ring & an expensive wedding where everyone's gonna be like... we're wasting our time & they're wasting their money because they're already "married" by being common law partners.

[PetLover24]

*edit > his last name,

[Asker]

I don't know about law in other countries. But where I am from - it’s a burden to not be married. I literally couldn’t get information from doctor about his health (let’s say he’s in the car crash) - IM NOT HIS WIFE, meaning I am nothing by law here. Yes it’s possible to go to notary office and fix it with a 100 papers and signatures. But you have to think about every little detail before it happens to feel secure

[Dela_99]

This is a western notion in so many countries women do not take a man’s last name in marriage so marriage was not designed for that…

[Avatar12]

He's lying if he says he doesn't want marriage and that a ring means nothing. Sorry what he means is that what you want means nothing and that he won't make you his family.

My sister was saying the same thing to all her exes but then she met someone and said yes 6months later.

Same thing happened with a mate of mine.

He was with someone for 6years, shared a baby with her and kept saying 'a ring means nothing ' but then they broke up and he gave a ring to another woman not long after.

Leave the relationship. To him, you are not worth the effort and sacrifice of marriage.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

You should have talked about these details at the beginning, I knew after 6 months of dating that my then boyfriend wanted to marry me, he made it clear to me right at the very beginning that he wanted to marry me and if I had no interest of such a serious union, then, please not to lead him on.

I was freaked out, but decided he was worth giving up my freedom.

[SoLongPeople]

and you still ended up in the gutter hahahahah

[Paris13]

He Won't Cave. He is Like a Fat Cat in The Cozy Corner With No Worries Nor Wanting Any Legal Strings Attached to Any Women. Yes, Reconsider This. You Want a Family And The Whole White Picket Fence And He Is More Into a Littler Box For One, hun.:((xxoo

[Avicenna]

Depends on how important those things are to you. Only you can decide whether they are indeed dealbreakers.

[OlderAndWiser]

Stay another ten years, post the same question.

[lightbulb27]

I drug my foot a time as well. got married 2 years back and much better. His issues are his own... which are possibly, fears of commitment. maybe you have some fears your own.. about names. That may hurt his feelings. what names do the kids have? There's no way around it... you make family... they end up with a name.

might help to talk about what marriage means to you and share that with him, find out what it means to him, his experience around it and concerns.

problems have to be worked out. But if after working on it you cannot... then you'll have to fight and make a choice.

what ya don't want to do is die on the emotional battlefields to where the flag has no meaning left. that's losing.

my personal advice is to avoid all the complexity, go get a ring, stop making it a big thing and complicated. It's a day that leads to more days. You focus on how to love and how to respect and build life together. that is more meaningful. the ring means priority, trust, commitment to love each other. It is in essence, security to move forward.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Around 7 years is when the woman cheats for around 3 years... a hell that I have in my rearview mirror. It's called the 7 year itch... look it up.

But like they told me when I was in the military... you signed up for this.

[lightbulb27]

@D_Bone_Steak im not so sure that's just women, I think that's humans... and in som cases, dogs and cats... our dog ran away once and our cat made way too many kittens.
heck, I got bored with the same chocolate bar and so I switched it up.
Relationship is work to maintain commitment in the face of ones selfish desires. I think it's just "changes in life" and have to work past them. But whn hormones are a rage, not easy unless strict values holding steady.
Sorry to hear of the suffering, glad in the past.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I know male cats move on (if you don't cut their balls off). They'll go find a new family and visit here and there once in a while. Gotta be living in a place where the cats come and go as they please with their own door to see it.

I think there is something biological behind it... but I'm not a biologist. I'd watch a YouTube video on it though. 😂

[lightbulb27]

@D_Bone_Steak yes lets enjoy some good cat education... here's a good one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN5KIUNfYGA
My group of male cats stayed around my house. Im not an expert by any means, but I think has to do with the food and free massages. Can you believe I'd pet those things even when they'd never had a bath in their life? yuck...
Asker... definitely stick with humans, at least they take showers...

[D_Bone_Steak]

😂 🤣

[Anonymous]

Here are some things to consider. Today, marriage is a minefield for men. Half of marriages end in divorce, women file 80% of them, and men get screwed in divorce. Those are facts that are beyond dispute.

It's also a fact that marriage does not offer men nearly the same benefits that it did their fathers and grandfathers.

For men today, the rewards of marriage are smaller and the risks are greater, so there has to be some compelling reason for a man to decide to take on all that risk. What is that compeling reason? That's a really tough question. I'll just say this... forming a family where he, his wife and his kids all share the same last name is a big one. Taking that off the table removes one the few remaining carrots for men, and it may well be the last nail in the coffin for the institution of marriage in the West.

Modern women are destroying marriage. If you are a woman who wants marriage, you should consider not being a modern woman. That's the bottom line.

[Opinion Owner]

Your updates show a blatant diregard for the reality today's men face. I hope you never say to him what you said here about him being insecure, because you'll almost certainlly piss him off and drive him away. Any man going into marriage today would feel insecure about it.

I hope you do go the couples therapy, I hope you get a good therepist who has compassion for BOTH sides, and I hope YOU find a little compassion for him.

[JacobJordan]

Welcome to being with a man. He doesn't care about the ring, he doesn't care about the wedding he will do those things for you but they mean nothing to him because we are that simple. I said the exact same thing a while ago and a woman on here got very angry that I pointed out the ring and the wedding are for the girl because the guy doesn't care. You need to ask yourself why do you want the ring and wedding? If you both plan to stay together permanently then do you need a wedding? Do you need a ring? Or do you WANT them because then you can show off to your friends and family?

[midnightmoon05]

Move on and take your now if you want marriage. This is not the one for you…you are wasting your time.
I have friends who was in your position… was with a man 10 yrs…no marriage…. By the time she gave up… she was like 35 ish… she was hurt… waited till another 5 years to heal. She met someone around 40… guy has kids… drama… ended… now in her late 40s… empty… story of many women wasting her time… men who loves you will give you what you want… and make u the most beautiful woman in the world.

[Xoxocutekitty]

I would say leave.

I find it hypocritical that he says things like "there's no difference" and also "a wife needs to change her name."

Clearly he has this idea that he's going to share his name with somebody, and yet he has this wonderful somebody in front of him for YEARS. You declining the name change is probably giving him reservations, but I would also have reservations on what else he thinks a wife is and isn't if he cares about syntax so much.

Not all men, but a lot of guys go through life gamifying relationships. If the career and money is there, then he has unlocked the wife mod. If he doesn't feel there yet, no wife for him and there's little you do to change it.

[blueonblack22]

Well if he didn’t love you he wouldn’t of stayed with you for this long. But I can see where you are coming from. You have different expectations then he does on both your futures.

You need to honestly ask him what scares him so much about getting married. He touched on it but not enough in the earlier conversation.

I had an opportunity to get married last year for mutual financial purposes. Not love. I seriously considered it for 6 months but in the end I said no. The biggest reason is I don’t want to be tempted to cheat. Even if it was “allowed” with her adultery is adultery. That’s one line I never want to cross with anybody for any reason.

[Moirine]

You want marriage but he doesn't. A few years in marriage and you'd be blamed for everything because you forced someone to do something they didn't want to begin with. It's like a Christian girl trying to change/tame a worldly man, you can't! Marriage is a sign of commitment, stability, provides security; emotional and mental support, and room to grow with your partner... it's important -_- !!! You shouldn't allow other people's view of the world affect you and the things you believe in and want for yourself. Good luck!

[RavenDarkheart]

I agree with @LaFemmeFatale_1 that is normally something you’d settle before the first six months to a year at most. Having said that though, the time you been together is gone and can’t be relived. If marriage is a big thing for you and he is steadfast against it, you will never truly be happy with him. If you can’t get him to agree to marriage then you should probably leave him. It would be better for you both in the long run, I’m sure he probably doesn’t wake up just planning ways to make you unhappy.

[McLlovin]

If its a formality then ask for a formality. Some of these things that some dudes do string a lot of women along, end up wasting your time with someone you’re not supposed to be with or allowing someone to take advantage of your passive kindness.


Id say this: what do you want? Then ask the person how can we make a compromise where I am happy and you are happy? If that person refuses to make a compromise so both you and them are happy leave them because they are selfish. And let them know that it’s deal breaker for you if it is.


To me getting married is a super serious thing and if i love someone getting married; making it formal, is a very small price to pay. Not saying i should pay an arm and a leg, just saying to do it no one should have to twist my arm to make me formally marry the person I love. Dont let men lie to you, the right woman will make us jump through hoops. l or will effect us in such away that we will change.

[bobalife]

I think everyone is missing the point of your prompt… this is what YOU want and what is most important to you. Unfortunately it doesn’t sounds like HE want and values the same :/ both your points are validated, but at the end you gotta think about what it is you want and what will make you happy. No one wanna get married just because either. No one wanna feel forced into a marriage they weren’t happy to go in and just to make their partner happy. Too many couples divorce and are unhappy for many reasons… do what you think is best for yourself and him.

[TenderFantasy]

Um, feel lucky that your man cares about you enough. My ex only thought of himself enough that he broke it off with me. We didn't even live together. If you feel that you need to leave and not waste anymore time, then you can do that. No one's holding you hostage, but it would probably hurt him! He's saying that even though marriage isn't a big deal to him, he knows it is to you, and therefore he wants to do it/wants to consider it. I couldn't even get my last ex to do that so you should feel good about that!

[Light_beam]

your obvious opportunity to moan :)

[TenderFantasy]

@Light_beam Yes, it hurt me/disappointed me that I wasted almost six months of my life to someone who didn't even really care that much about me and what I wanted. Wouldn't you feel a bitter or angry about that? ! It's not like I'm in my 20's or 30s. I'm about to be 40 and so was my ex! I don't got so much time to waste like that.

[Light_beam]

Well, being serious now.. i would be angry.. but on myself.. I would be angry that i was stupid enough to not choose better.. you get me? no one forced you to be with him this long.. and if something is important to you in the relationship with your partner like marriage or whatever, you should have figured out so early not after 6 months , see?

[TenderFantasy]

@Light_beam Haha, nice try little boy. He LIED and basically made promises he couldn't keep all that time. He kept on saying he wouldn't leave me and that he liked where this was going and that he cared about me yada yada. All lies because now he's gone. He was a Papa's boy to be honest and played video games a lot and still lived with his folks. I was hoping he'd fall for me even though he wasn't the most handsome man I had ever laid my eyes on (probably a 6/10 in looks, 7/10 on his good days). Yeah, maybe one thing I SHOULD have "cursed" myself with was the fact that I was a little desparate for a relationship given my age. BUT!, you can't fault me for trying again to look for love and a boyfriend (something serious) after everything I've been through with regards to love and relationships with men!

[TenderFantasy]

@Light_beam Not to mention the guy wasn't appreciative of the things I did for him in the end when he was breaking things off.

[Miristheiss]

Hmmm, well, to sum up. If you want marriage and you know he isn't really up for that then yes you should end it.

That being said, you want him to marry you but you won't take his last name? Well, you don't really want a marriage then. He should refuse to marry you if you are going to keep your own family name.

We all know marriage is you getting a big day in a white dress and then you get to have the government step in if you two ever broke up and to order him to keep paying you out of his job for your existence. Even though you'd both be broken up, he would still have to go to work 40/50 hours a week and pay you to be alive. That is the current day "perk' of marriage.

[KittyKat90210]

If marriage is important to you but he has no interest... it sounds like it's not going to last. If you're enjoying being with him for now you don't need to break it off immediately. But if his words were that hurtful and it's a deal breaker then maybe it's best to get closure and move on. No matter what I hope things turn out well for you.

[Light_beam]

you don't need to break it off immediately !! Seriously? would you be with a man you already know you will leave soon?

[Anonymous]

No matter what anyone else’s thoughts or opinions on marriage are, the most important thing to consider is whether or not this is important to you. And it sounds like it is. But to him, not so much. And that’s where the hurt is coming from; you two are not as fully compatible as you thought, and you’re making this discovery after so many years together.

I would hate for you to develop resentment towards your boyfriend because he talked you out of something you really wanted and was meaningful to you. And I would hate for your boyfriend to develop resentment towards you for pushing him into doing something he doesn’t want. I think if you do decide to break up, you use this experience as a lesson for any future relationships. The most important lesson being; make your desires known early. If you want to be married, let that be one of the first things any man learns about you.

[pandaking2p12]

You both are around 25 to 26 he may love you but be scared to get married even more so when you refuse to take his last name. I was in his shoes 8 months ago I finally popped the question shw cried then she left for another men which only ended up Reinforcing the idea it isn't worth getting married in 2024 when loyalty means nothing to women. You sound like you only care about the ring and not being his wife just like my ex girlfriend. If you truly want him to be you're husband you would take his last name otherwise what benfit does he have to Marry you? The wedding is all about you, ring all about you all of it is all about you. All he will get to say is I have a wife who didn't even take my last name

[pandaking2p12]

Take his last name I find a new boyfriend

[RingOfFire]

Tough one. After all this time the odds are he will never propose in spite of saying he will. He might just be saying that to induce you to say, "it's okay you don't have to."

I personally don't agree that it is the same thing just living together and getting married. Getting married has a special meaning especially to a woman and that makes it special to a man to want to show her how much he understands that and wants to make her feel special that way.

You need to decide how important it is too you and make your decision accordingly. I agree with you that having to force him into it is a bad idea. I think it is unlikely to last if you do it under those conditions.

[RingOfFire]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN1WwnEDWAM