Getting over fear of intimacy?

[Anonymous]

Hello, 29M and life’s pretty good on the face of it, I'm pretty smart, have a high paying and almost “sexy” (can’t believe I wrote that too..) self employed job in finance and travel a lot taking my work with me I’m terrible with women though, have never had a relationship, only been with women a handful of times while highly intoxicated/high When a women shows interest in me I instinctively raise my defense mechanisms and shut that shit down. Like a women would say “you’re so funny” and touch my arm, I would get anxious and would say something dumb like “I’m not funny at all” in a non sarcastic way making the whole situation awkward It’s gotten even worse now, I get really anxious if any girl shows a tiny bit of interest in me; I will just be waiting for some other guy to come in and start taking with her just so I don’t have to Even when women DM me on insta I’ll purposely respond in a silly unattractive fashion just so they would stop I met a women abroad and we really clicked. We spent a couple of months hanging everyday as friends. She asked me to sleep with her on 3 occasions but I just responded in an awkward fashion. She got pissed off and met some other guy. I then ignored her DMs; she finally told me to fuck off. This particular women was sexually experienced and would have been ok if I told her that I wasn’t. She hinted at it a few times; I often answer questions “politically” when asked about previous relationship. But after a month of hanging out I’m sure she figured it out Initially I was relieved when she told me not to contact her, now I realize I’ve lost a supportive friend with which we shared so many good memories I’m a bit of a closed book when it comes to family and friends. I don’t really talk about my feelings, my past or anything personal really. My closest friends have accepted this I guess I understand this is not healthy, I have intimacy problems

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo man, don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of guys struggle with intimacy and relationships, it's totally normal. Here's what I'd say:

- First off, recognize this is something you can work on and improve. It won't happen overnight but you've clearly got the motivation to change.

- Be kinder to yourself. You don't have to respond "politically" or put yourself down when a girl shows interest. You're a catch too! Own that.

- Baby steps - maybe try smiling and saying thanks when a girl compliments you, instead of denying it. Small wins like that build confidence.

- Could help talking to a therapist too. They can give you tools to challenge anxious thoughts and work through any past stuff holding you back.

- Opening up more with close friends is another step. Practice being vulnerable with people you trust so you're less closed off overall.

- Don't be too hard on yourself over that girl abroad. Use it as experience - now you know some signs for next time.

You've got this man. Keep putting yourself out there, learn from mistakes, and be patient with the progress. One day you'll wonder why you ever stressed so much. Just take it day by day.

[Avicenna]

I think this is an issue you need to address with the assistance of a therapist

[SueShe]

If you have intimacy issues, then this would be better discussed with a specialist that can give you the help only a qualified person can give. None of us at GaG are specialists and all you will get is doubtful answers that will ultimately not help you but actually confuse you even more.

What I can say is that this girl abroad was certainly not the type of person to take your anxiety away. According to your account, she seems only to want to fornicate and that is certainly not the best way to address the problem of your anxiety. She would probably have made fun of you and made your situation even worse rather than to help in any way.

Talk to a specialist, not to a buddy, a friend or GaG. What you need is someone that knows how to address the problem. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

All i can say is same i am just as scared of speaking to men as you are😭💀and yoh know what we should work at our own pace

[Anonymous]

Why do you want an actually experienced woman