If a boyfriend wants to go Dutch all the times, is it ok to refuse to cook for him?

[Vesuvius87]

I'm currently single and a post just inspired me right now. This is what I think of all this:

If he's so much on equality and wants to always go Dutch unless it's my b-day or a holiday then I'll only cook for him on his b-day and the holiday. Sounds equal.

I think one goes with the other. I don't mind cooking (I'm good at it) but refuse to be used again, refuse to spend money on special ingredients (I used to like going beyond just an average dish), time and effort into it. It's called being reciprocal. I don't want to invest too much on someone that's only doing the bare minimum of just being a ''going Dutch'' boyfriend and nothing else, nothing beyond that, someone really worthy.

What would be the point and motivation for me to cook for him if he's being literal on equality and will never invite me out of his own will (without there needing to be a holiday or my b-day)? None

[Ms_Facesitter]

I think it's okay. When we were still dating we also went Dutch every time. I didn't mind because I don't feel comfortable when people do it or gift me something. And if he pays for my food and it doesn't work out, I feel like a parasite.

I did cook for him sometimes, sometimes we'd take turns ordering food. I didn't see it as a trade, I just cooked for him because I like to cook and I invited him to my place. Cooking for someone is one of my love languages. I liked him and wanted to reel him in.

But you are right, it's give and take. If he demands you to cook there is a problem. What I suggest is him buying you the food you need to prepare the meal. It'd be even again. Or the dishes. Mine does the dishes, I hate doing those :p

But also look at other things he does. Mine drives me places when we're going on a date. He picks me up, drives me home.

[Jessica405]

If you are going to share life, then you should share everything. Chores, money, shopping. You do have to take into account how much each earns.

[Vesuvius87]

This pretty much. How is going Dutch all the time (the opposite of sharing) proves he's worthy of commitment in the future?

[loveslongnails]

I think it would make a more effective point if you costed out each meal you cook that he eats with you and go dutch on that too! Charge him for the meal, the wine or beer, figure in an energy cost, add in a labor cost, and hand him a bill for his half. If he balks or bitches, just say " if going Dutch and splitting everything means that much to you, pay up or go get your own food".

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I've been giving and giving and get nothing in return. I got tired of investing so much effort for nothing. Someone that doesn't like sharing and it's all about himself only, how would a relationship like that progress if I were to want to start a family for instance, where there are more financial responsibilities than just only for himself.

[loveslongnails]

Sounds like you have your answer - time to move on.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I was a sous chef I cook all the time. Does he cook? If he doesn't cook AND he wants to go dutch, sure knock yourself out. If he cooks 6 nights a week and goes dutch on Sunday and you only want to cook on birthdays that doesn't seem equitable does it?

[Vesuvius87]

I'm single now but I believe everything has to be reciprocal. My question is referring to men that want to go Dutch because it's equality but do nothing else, don't cook themselves, don't clean and expect us to then move in with them and expect free sex, etc. Those are the selfish types I'm referring. They want equality but don't contribute to anything.

[BoopBoopBeep]

No and I'd also recommend never moving in with him unless he's paying in full for the room and board or something. You don't get to have a traditional wife if you aren't going to be a traditional husband.

[Vesuvius87]

One good thing though is I've never moved in with a boyfriend ever. With the two failed relationship, we lived separately but yeah I still got used.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Well at least you don't have to move OUT that way ;)

[kylee2437]

I’d leave a man that is demanding gender roles but doesn’t want to step up to his gender roles. That’s called being selfish

[kylee2437]

Actually I left a man for exactly this reason LOL. A month of us living together and he watched me clean the house and that was after I worked a 14 hour shift the day before, I packed my stuff. Ain’t no way is he not helping me clean when we BOtH work

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I hate men that not only want to go ''Dutch'' on all dates but don't even help out in other areas either, they then expect us to still cook for him, move in with him, give him free access to sex, etc. Pigs.

[kylee2437]

Oh and that was in fact that he had horrible spending habits. Amazon packages coming to the house everyday.

in my opinion a man wanting to go Dutch shows he has trust issues. Doesn’t want to put all his money on a situation he isn’t certain about

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah if he doesn't want to put any effort on a date at all, then how is the relationship going to move forward towards commitment in the future? How would I commit to a man that goes Dutch all the times?

[kylee2437]

And if you want kids, how is a man going Dutch proving that he’s reliable enough to provide for a kid? It shows he’s too selfish to provide in that aspect already

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. I'm willing to bet if I had a child with that man, he might even be coming home with a new pair of shoes for himself meanwhile the kid would be having the same used clothes. Yeah a man like that would be a terrible choice.

[kylee2437]

That’s what happened the one time I moved in with the guy I went Dutch with while dating. Nauseating the one reason why he couldn’t provide more was his shitty spending.

Honestly I’ll never go Dutch with a man ever again. I’ll absolutely pay for things when I want to but going Dutch? No way

[MzAsh]

Yeah why cook for him when he insists everything be equal?

[PeachyPie93]

I find men who don't give their all are never worth it, I will never waste my time on those kind of men again. Which is pretty much the whole gen at this point LOL.

[CozyCoffin]

If you're living together, do you happen to have set chores or do you trade off? If you don't live together, then why don't you just have him buy the ingredients? If you do live together, then what the hell does that have anything to do with each other? If it's that much of a problem, tell him your concerns.

[jjj101010]

Are u referring to splitting the bill at restaurants? What has that got to do with cooking at home? It’s just one of the house hold chores, paying at a restaurant has nothing to do with it. Or is it that he doesn’t let u pay the full bill and insists on paying half? Are you wanting to pick up the check sometimes and he won’t let u? If so just talk to him.

[Vesuvius87]

If you read my post again, I did said I'm single. This is in regards to any future boyfriend. No for me cooking it's not just a household chore to me. To me it represents being proud of showing appreciation to those I care, proud of showing my feminine side, my dedication, emotions into it.

[Vesuvius87]

Then again I'm not white. I'm Latina.

[jjj101010]

How is cooking showing a feminine side? It’s something that is done by both men and women?

[jjj101010]

It sure how race changes this?

[Vesuvius87]

I know but I like going beyond just making any meal. So what would you think of a man that wants to go ''Dutch'' on all dates, doesn't help out with any household chores, expects me to still cook, expects us to move in with him and give him free access to sex? Wouldn't that be a selfish man?

[Vesuvius87]

It's rather cultural; something some of us are proud of. It's fading though and that's because of the men like those that want equality all the times but at the same time won't contribute to anything and still want the free benefits of the relationship. We're getting fed up with that treatment.

[jjj101010]

Not sure what going beyond making a meal is other than clearing up after. I guess it depends on other things, maybe he pays a higher proportion of the bills, mortgage, gas, electric food bills etc. maybe he does the maintenance and DIY?

[jjj101010]

Not sure what free access to sex means either, were u planning to charge for that?

[jjj101010]

Not sure what the issue is with paying half the bill, if u both earn then u both pay

[Vesuvius87]

The point is no one likes getting their time wasted for nothing. If I'm cooking, contributing to the bills too (I don't mind taking turns and inviting him on some random dates, providing he does too), being supportive, family oriented, obviously loyal, etc... then damn I expect commitment in return at some point. Nothing is done for nothing. Just like if the man comes tired for work, he already committed to her and she isn't working, then it's fair to serve him his good meal.

[jjj101010]

How is he uncommitted?

[Vesuvius87]

If I want commitment (obviously marriage) in the end, how would he be able to prove that (providing he wants the same and has stated he's on the same page) if he's going Dutch all the times?

[jjj101010]

Drop me a message, interested to understand this

[Vesuvius87]

How is a man always going ''Dutch'', putting little effort except on my b-day, still expecting me to cook, still expecting sex showing commitment? Please don't tell me ''oh the love, he's sweet, he loves you''... big deal; romance isn't the whole part of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to refuse to cook regardless. Just like it's OK for him to tell you to change your own tire. You got 2 hands.

Nobody should do anything they don't want to do. But common sense applies. Generally people WANT to make their partner happy. If not why are you even with them?

[NathanDavis]

if you both truly love each other...

these things won't matter this much

just be happy...

[LiamJHayden]

I vet a girl the first two times we go out to see if she is in it for free food. If not, I will continue to date her if she wants and not care about who pays.

[Vesuvius87]

This testing can backfire. It's not about wanting free food but sharing. What if she would like to take turns at times for the sake of wanting to spoil her Partner and vice-versa. This means he pays one day (any day, not necessarily my b-day) and I'll pay another day.

[Vesuvius87]

We can be vetting the man too if he's someone that wants to share or it's always all about himself.

[Vesuvius87]

If he never wants to share, never wants to take turns then why would I share my homemade meal with him?

[LiamJHayden]

My point is that I do not want to worry about who pays.

[dolemite58]

I understand why a guy pays on a first date but if ur in a relationship u should be going Dutch or taking turns paying this isn’t the 50’s anymore.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm ok with taking turns, spoiling each other because they you feel like it; it doesn't have to be your birthday. I'm not ok with always going Dutch.

[Vesuvius87]

It isn't about whether it's the 1950's or not. It's about showing dedication every now and then.

[dolemite58]

So the guy only has to show dedication and not you?

[Vesuvius87]

Read the sentence again. What part of I'm ok taking turns don't you understand? I'm also showing dedication by taking turns. One day he pays and another day I do.

[Vesuvius87]

The going Dutch all the times doesn't sound like someone that likes sharing and how is that relationship going to reach to commitment if they don't share?

[dolemite58]

Oh I see, you don’t mind trading off paying for each other but actually going halves you don’t like

[Vesuvius87]

Yes I like sharing. I don't enjoy not sharing.

[dolemite58]

Would you date a guy a few years younger than you?

[Vesuvius87]

Sure. I would accept up to 2-3 years younger only.

[dolemite58]

Im 34 ☺️😅 do you like white guys?

[Vesuvius87]

I like white, Latino and Asian men.

[dolemite58]

I like Latinas, you should follow me on here

[Vesuvius87]

Okay

[dolemite58]

K I’ll message you when you do

[KrakenAttackin]

The "motivation" is you are interviewing for "wife".

[Vesuvius87]

Why would I put extra effort earlier than him?

[Vesuvius87]

I've done that before and got used.

[KrakenAttackin]

Enjoy being single.

[Jerre]

If it’s a date, he should be paying 100% every date.

[kylee2437]

This! Unless if I offer to pay. It’s a red flag when men insinuate going Dutch

[Jerre]

@kylee2437 yes it is. Find another guy

[Jennz6]

Girls must be obedient to their boyfriends