Does perfectionism cause problems in relationships?

[chiquita]

What are your experiences on this? Tolerating is a problem for a perfectionist in a romatic relationship?

[barney]

Absolutely, perfectionism can stir up quite a bit of trouble in relationships. When you're always chasing after everything being just right, it can make you and the people close to you feel pretty stressed out. Let's say, for example, you want every date night to be flawless or you fuss over keeping the house spotless all the time. They might feel like they're always walking on eggshells, trying not to mess up or disappoint you.

It's not just about the big things either. Even small expectations, like wanting every conversation to go perfectly, can create tension. Your partner might start feeling like they can't be their true, relaxed self around you, worried they'll say or do the wrong thing.

And here's the thing about being super focused on perfection; it can make it hard to appreciate the good moments as they are. Life's a bit messy sometimes, and relationships are too. Holding onto the idea of perfection can keep you from seeing the beauty in the ordinary, everyday love you share.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I never had any problems with it despite testing high on perfectionism on a variety of tests but I think because I'm only a perfectionist to myself. I don't hold other people by the same standards as I do for myself.

For example, I consider myself fat when I no longer have washboard abs. I don't consider other people fat who don't have washboard abs, only myself. I'm a former competitive athlete so I hold myself to the same standards I did growing up with my body.

Yet I'm actually very open to people with very different bodies and even encourage body positivity. So I actually hold other people to low standards, only myself to extremely high standards.

It does tend to get into some hilarious social situations. For example, I refuse offers for drinks and snacks a lot and people ask me why, then I tell them I'm getting fat. Then they get offended like, "You're not fat!" Me: "I consider myself fat now and am trying to cut." Person: "OMG, if you think you're fat, what do you think about me?" Me: "I don't think you're fat at all!" Person: "But I'm so much fatter than you are!"

Like that. 😂 It gets really awkward sometimes.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

As another example, and this used to confuse my ex-girlfriends and also wife, is that I don't want to kiss or have sex until I feel sexy. So, for example, if I ate a garlicky dinner, I'll refuse to kiss my girlfriend after not because I don't want to kiss her, I absolutely want to kiss her, but I don't want her to smell or taste my garlic breath.

So similar to the example above, I got in some awkward situations explaining to them that it's not about them, it's about me. But after I eat some breath mints or brush my teeth, I'm happy to kiss them even if they ate the same garlic dinner and have garlic breath. I don't mind if they have garlic breath, I only mind if I have garlic breath.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

This is admittedly something that required some explanation with all my girlfriends including my wife, but they started to get it and trust it soon after and it posed little problems after.

A lot of people seem to distrust the notion that we can hold high standards for ourselves but not others. But to me it's common sense. For example, we wouldn't expect a physicist to be an expert in biology, right? We wouldn't consider a physicist dumb if they lack expertise in chemistry. We don't hold physicists to the same standards as biologists or chemists. So it would be foolish for a physicist to think a biologist is dumb or vice versa because they lack expertise in the other's field.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Also my perfectionism is goal-dependent. That's why my standards are different for everyone including myself.

For example, let's say a woman who is overweight asks me for advice on how to reach a healthy level of bodyfat. I'm not going to hold her to the standards of a former regional champion like myself as far as training and nutrition. I'm going to hold her to the gentle standard of someone who just needs to reach a healthy bodyfat percentage. So for her I'll just make gentle suggestions like cut down on sugary snacks, liquid calories, try to get a little bit of exercise routinely, slowly whittle away at those unhealthy habits and start gradually developing healthy ones.

Now let's say she reaches a healthy weight/bodyfat percentage, and now she wants to become an athlete. Now I'll start to hold her to the standards of an athlete and suggest a more serious athletic nutrition and training regiment. Then let's say she succeeds there, and now wants to become an Olympian. Now I'll hold her to the standards of an Olympian.

[Malwi93]

are these tests onlkine

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@Malwi93 Yes, one of them is Big-Five if I recall correctly. It splits perfectionism though into two types if I remember: conscientiousness (self-oriented perfectionism and what I have) vs. neuroticism (socially-prescribed perfectionism which is what I generally lack). Yet it gives a fairly extensive breakdown of your personality:
https://bigfive-test.com/

Another popular one includes Enneagram:
www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test

I score like this on Enneagram where I score highest on perfectionism:


That judges self-oriented perfectionism to my understanding. It doesn't judge the social kind (such as holding other people to such standards):

>> Perfectionists believe they must be good and right to be worthy. Consequently, Perfectionists are conscientious, responsible, improvement-oriented and self-controlled, but also can be critical, resentful and self-judging.

[mobiusforniner]

Yes. In a lot of cases, toxic perfectionism is rooted in lower self esteem. Someone desires perfection because they base their worth on the expected standards from someone (or something) else. Failure to achieve the standard crumbles their self worth and their partner is left picking up the pieces.

[WhitneySnow]

They will be very critical of their partners but also of themselves

[Account]

Yes. (I won't elaborate on that for multiple reasons)

[AI Opinion]

Jumping right into the heart of it, perfectionism can sometimes be that uninvited third wheel in relationships, adding a bit of unnecessary tension. Imagine, you're trying to set up a romantic evening. You want everything, from the candles to the playlist, to be flawless. But oops, the playlist shuffles to "Baby Shark" and suddenly, the mood shifts. That's a light-hearted example, but it showcases how striving for perfection can lead to frustration over things that, in the grand scheme, aren't deal-breakers.

From my couch of experience, I've noticed that perfectionists can struggle with tolerance. They have this ideal image in their mind, and when reality doesn't match up (because let's face it, life's no scripted rom-com), they can feel disappointed. It's like expecting every day to be a bouquet of red roses when sometimes, you're going to get a handful of dandelions. Not less beautiful, just different.

However, the friction really sparks when these expectations aren’t communicated or when one person feels constantly under pressure to meet this unattainable standard. Remember, love's about embracing the perfectly imperfect. It’s about loving each dandelion as if it was the most exquisite rose.

So, have you ever felt the perfectionist pressure in your relationships? Or maybe you've been on the other side, trying to live up to someone else's Pinterest board? Let's unravel those stories together. Flirt with the idea of sharing; I promise I'll catch what you throw my way. 😉

[EmmaMary]

REPORTED... SPAMMING/TROLLING.

[jorfan3]

How is that trolling

[mobiusforniner]

From my “couch of experience”. Um…. ok

[slatyb]

If someone constantly rejects their partner's efforts as inadequate, that's a huge problem. I left a relationship with a beautiful and brilliant woman because she was so obsessed with the perfect solution to every problem. FOBO to the max.

[Billlewis]

No. The only potential problem is if I'm not capable of doing as perfect a job pleasing her as she wants.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Perfectionists are usually control freaks, because everything has to be done just right, and if not? Well that's where arguments set in.

[ProbablyClueless]

It causes huge problems! You have the issues with expectations, but you also have issues with the amount of effort each partner puts in, the standards being pursued.

[itsclearlynicholas]

Nope because if I am an actual perfectionist I'd perfectly pick the right chick for me someday one-day maybe I've sometimes come across them lol right women wrong time lol many times. lol woman ♀️👠

[boggboss]

Yes its tends to as its the pursuit at somthing thats not possible

[TheSpaceGnome]

No, perfectionists like myself get along with other perfectionists just fine.

[sheikalana]

Can you give an example of what a perfectionist in a relationship is?

[laly520]

yes
cuz expectations r higher than how reality is working

[RingOfFire]

In a perfect relationship?

No.

[noohair]

Yes, no person is perfect.

[NathanDavis]

everywhere...

[CVNT5]

yes it does

[butterly248]

Yeah

[lildkman1010]

Yes it does