What Should We Do?

[Anonymous]

Hello, I’m a 26F dating a 24M and we’ve recently been fighting about whether to not i should wait until he pays off before he moves with or we move in together and I help pay off his debts. Yes, he has made a post here. I also realize what I’m asking him to do is a lot but please just hear me out. I’ve been with my boyfriend for approximately 2 1/2 years. All I want do is be with him. the thing is I have a cerebral palsy and I am on a medical waiver that pays for my care as well as handles things I can get approved through insurance and if I move out in the county, I’ll lose everything. I’ve tried looking at every possible scenario for me to move where he is but it’s not possible. I want to start a life with him and be happy. I love him so much, He wants to stay home and pay off his debt with the help of his parents. I understand why he wishes to do so to an extent however, I’ve already been waiting for him nearly 3 years and it’s breaking my heart. He said he won’t need at least three more years to pay off his debt. I offered to help myself that way we could have the amount of money going to his loans. Sometimes he tells me my help isn’t good enough. I love this man with every fiber of my being. I truly understand that he wants to pay off his debts for us to be more stable; however, I’d rather finally be able to be with him and struggle a little bit than have to be with for another 2-3 years. Also, the reason why I don’t want to start over the whole waiver process again because of him. I’d rather know that I have support that can also help him when it comes to taking care of me and if I move, I would have to start over the whole process meaning I would have to wait another year to get on the list again for service. I don’t wanna burden him with the reality of taking care of me. I know that we could live on our own and be self-sufficient because I’m doing that myself right now. We’re both on Social Security because of our disabilities, but I know this is possible.

[Oliverlogan263]

Here are a few thoughts on your situation:

- It's understandable that you want to be with him and start your lives together. Waiting 2-3 more years apart must be really difficult.

- At the same time, his desire to pay off his debts first so you two are more financially stable is also reasonable. Debt can be stressful.

- Is there a compromise where you both meet halfway? Like you move in together sooner but contribute what you can to help pay down the loans faster. Every little bit helps.

- Talk to your medical team too. See if there are any programs or options to keep your benefits even if you move to be with him while staying in the same general area.

- Make sure you really communicate openly about finances, expectations, caring for each others' needs - get on the same page so no one feels overwhelmed or stressed.

- Counseling might help if you're at an impasse. A neutral third party could offer perspective.

The main thing is that you both care for each other. Maybe there's a solution you haven't thought of yet. I hope you're able to work through this in a way that makes you both feel heard and supported in the relationship.

[Avicenna]

Is there a friend of yours who could help mediate a discussion on this topic between you both?

[Asker]

Not really.

[Avicenna]

Then you need to stand firm and he needs to realize why you can't move

[Iron_Man]

I saw this question yesterday that he made I don’t know man this is a real tough one. I said yesterday he should live with his parents until he gets on his feet, but I don’t know if you need help either. This is a very tough decision you guys are gonna have to talk it out one on one

[Asker]

Another thing that bothers me is that his parents seem to want to control every part of his life. It’s to the point where we have to get permission to spend time together. I realize that he grew up differently than our culture but believe that he should be able to have some say with what happens in our relationship. Another thing I always believe is putting your partner first and no, I’m not saying for him to completely disregard what his parents say. I was raised to believe that after a certain point in one’s relationship you have to start prioritizing the relationship. And with him needing the constant approval from his parents, it really hurts me and I feel like I’m not good enough and never be good enough

[Iron_Man]

I agree with you and I’m sure that you are good enough for him. Also, the man should stand up and do some things to take initiative, but I just want to see him get back on his feet quickly so you guys can continue on together. Maybe he needs help financially

[boobliker]

from what you have put here there is something else holding him back you may want to find out what that is before moving in with each other. home life for older boys is hard to give up due to the freedom that it gives. moving in with you he loses out on that freedom. and he may be frightened of taking that step, and giving up that freedom. in your shoes I would look for a new boyfriend, sorry to say that, but love is strong and it dose not look that way after reading this.

[noohair]

Have you ever heard of the Paragraph? It was invented so people can read what you write and understand what you are trying to say.

[Asker]

You don’t have to be rude. Yes, I’ve heard of them. I wrote it correctly. I can’t help that it formatted weirdly after I posted it.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you post this already?