Does my husband gaslight me?

[Anonymous]

Hello!

I need an opinion on this.. how would you feel if your partner would say " I know you are doing your best effort but I don't receive it / or feel it".

Is it a form of gaslighting?

When he says this to me I feel like all my effort is canceled.. because as humans I think we always want to see the other person happy or satisfied with our best effort for improving the relationship, and this is not what I want to hear from him.

[Anonymous]

That’s a tough one. I can see how it would make you feel that way. I think it’s a good idea for the two of you need to talk, ask him exactly what does he mean by he can’t feel it. What would it take on your part to make him feel it? I’m not saying he’s correct, just ask what he thinks is lacking. I wouldn’t interrupt if he actually starts telling you. Men tend to not talk a lot when they’re interrupted, when their feelings are cut off. Because let’s face it this is a feeling. It may be hard to bite your tongue to just listen, but if you want an answer you’ll have to. Then think about what he says. Don’t get emotional. Think, is what he saying true. If not then come up w a good response. How can we work on this. We all have different ideas of what working hard is. Some people work a 40 hour week, maybe even a little less. I work about 24-36 hours OT, so I could easily say well you don’t work as hard as I do. Do you feel like he works hard? Can you see it in the proof as far as what does for the two of you as a couple or is it mostly just for himself?

[Anonymous]

But how is this gaslighting? You know how often guys and men feel like things when girls and women say things like "women don't owe you shit" or act bitchy when a guy or man makes sweet gestures and buys things to make her happy. Respect is given both ways but I just feel like as a guy, girls and women don't care about a guy's feelings. I don't get why certain terms are attached to males and females when its the same actions.

For example, a guy who sleeps around is considered a player and cool, if a woman or girl sleeps around she's a slut, the guy or man should be held to the same standard. If a girl or woman goes to make a guy or man happy she's considered incredible and if a guy or man is unappreciative he's an asshole that should be dumped right away. If a girl or woman acts that way, is unappreciative, the generic response online when it doesn't mean much is ohhh leave her, but often I hear more people say what did she do wrong, if she's not happy she should leave him, even if he's trying his best to make her happy, again this goes both ways. You two need to sit down and talk.

Because I don't like using certain terms like that because I feel like its a cop out word. We're all adults, if we talk properly I think many underlining issues can be solved. I know some girls will read this and not agree with my stance but it's simple with me, communicate and respect and ill give it back.

[LazerBean]

I don't know for sure since it's hard to tell when you're not there seeing it yourself. But I don't necessarily think he is. He acknowledged that his brain knows that you were doing the best that you can, but that his emotions just aren't matching. And that happens sometimes. And all he can do is to try and forces emotions to match. Honestly I'm not sure what else you can do, except keep talking him through it and seeing if maybe he will go to therapy or something

[DishLady]

"Cancelled" is too common a phrase for this generation. Consider for a moment that the guy shouldn't have psychological power over you. Be strong. When he says that, then tell him to go do it himself... to show you himself...

This passive aggressive bit is not ok. If you want him to do something -- go tell him. Period.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating through the complexities of communication in a relationship is like walking through a never-ending maze of emotions, isn't it? The phrase your husband uses, "I know you are doing your best effort but I don't receive it/ or feel it," dances on the thin line between expressing feelings and potentially gaslighting. It's crucial to dig deeper. Is he acknowledging your efforts genuinely but struggling to connect with them emotionally? Or is this a subtle way to undermine your efforts, leaving you feeling invalidated and questioning your perception? Love, conversations about feelings should build bridges, not barriers. Perhaps it's time for an open-hearted chat about how his words affect you and explore what both of you truly need to feel loved and valued. Remember, love is about understanding and growing together, not leaving one feeling lost in translation. 😊💖

[MzAsh]

He’s trying to get you to do even more. I wouldn’t buy into it. What’s he doing to put in effort for you?

[ProbablyClueless]

No, that's not gaslighting, it's just being shitty and unreceptive. Gaslighting is when you do something and then deny that you did it to make the other person look or feel crazy.

Suppose your husband makes repeated jokes about your weight and says you eat too much, but when you confront him about the way his comments made you feel; he says that you're being too sensitive and that he doesn't think you are overweight.

[Asker]

Well he does that too.. he says something and a few min later he ask" when I said that? Your mind created it " . He also throwing stuff and scares me everything when we have an argument.

[ProbablyClueless]

Gotcha. Yeah, THAT is gaslighting. Him telling you that he doesn't feel loved by the way you express your love is kind of disappointing, but it's not necessarily a lie.

Have you and your husband figured out your love languages? It might improve your relationship to know how each of you process love.

[StarWarGirl]

Ask him what can make you feel it or make you feel receiving it? Where is problem how should you be doing it instead.

( I'm not telling you to necessarily follows what he says to do but his response may clarify you is it Gaslighting or true genuine concern.)

Then decide yourself.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Well it certainly must feel demoralising to hear that.. In future though, don;t even try. Then the next time he asks why you act as if you can't be bothered, say to him, well I tried that and you kept putting me down.. THIS is what you get because of it!

Eventually the message will get through if you do it right!

[dustybiker2]

So ask him what he expects, and further ask him to say so in a kind way.

[WhitneySnow]

It’s not really gaslighting but he’s definitely not being appreciative of your efforts

[SotiCoto]

Gaslighting is undermining your perception of reality. What you're describing isn't in the same ballpark.

[DextroShade]

That wouldn't qualify as gaslighting because he isn't trying to make doubt your own memory of events.

[laly520]

doesn't seem like gaslighting to me maybe he is trying to communicate sth with u?

[jahaims]

No, that is him communicating how he thinks and feels lol.

[KrakenAttackin]

He's not gaslighting you, he's just completely dissatisfied with you.

[spartan55]

Best effort regarding what?

[RedInnocent69]

Probably. And thinks you’re cute when you argue.

[war_daddy]

try harder you loser whiner

[JayBones2469]

No. You are paranoid