Why do guys always insist on paying?

[Anonymous]

Why do men always insist on paying for everything when going on dates? I get they are trying to be polite, but sometimes the woman offers to pay and wants to pay. I know I should be "grateful" and see it as a polite gesture compared to a guy wanting me to pay for everything, but it does kinda bug me that guys do that. Especially for me cause I'm very independent and he already pays for all the gas (as I don't drive), and he drives 40 minutes just to come over (and then 40 minutes back). I feel bad him paying for everything: food, movie tickets, snacks at theater, gas money, etc. and I contribute nothing. Makes me feel insufficient.

[Anonymous]

I don't... but then I get tired of mind games. Like oh, if she pulls out her wallet, and I don't immediately say something, then I'm making her pay and I'm a pig for taking her out and "making" her pay... or a girl stupidly plays with fumbling with the wallet with no real intention of paying... or if she pays, that makes us friends only and I've lost every chance because I, again, "made her pay"... or if she offers to get popcorn or snacks because I got the ticket, if I don't immediately pay for everything, I'm a cheapskate and therefore unattractive... on the other end, if I pay, I don't expect something (brown chicken brown cow) out of them for doing so - I don't play that game either. If I pay, no strings attached, other than MAYBE being a pleasant date or showing up when we made plans. If I do the asking (pretty much every single time), then I am happy to pay the first time or two (I tend to think that whoever asks should pay the first time if it's a date, but... I know... it's not likely a woman will ask me out, so I will ALWAYS end up paying for the first date). I think that if a woman insists I ALWAYS pay every meal or every date, then I probably wouldn't be interested in a fourth or fifth date if there's no "counteroffer." Again, I don't mind date one, maybe date two. And the counter offer doesn't ALWAYS have to be "financial" it could be something simple like planning date four or five... But if it seems like she's just going for something to do, or for that free meal, with no interest in me... I would probably lose interest pretty quickly.

I DO offer to pay; it's not my last battlefield I will die on... but sometimes I like to pay, even if it's not officially a date. It's five bucks. It's not going to destroy me. Sometimes it's just being kind.

I've had it where I buy one, get one free offer... and of course, they usually get "the free one" - I don't have an issue with it - and I expect nothing in return. I don't hold it over someone, either. Sometimes it's just a good thing to do, or I got a little lucky, so I'm spreading the luck around a little.

I don't use it as a manipulation tactic or a test. I'm not going to stop seeing a woman if I paid for my own coffee and she asked me out. Of course I'm bringing enough money for my coffee (even if she offered to pay), just in case. The only thing that would make me uninterested in a second date is something where she acted completely entitled, or said some really racist crap, or some other horrible thing. But paying/not paying, it's not on my radar as a way to laud it over someone.

I'm not trying to play a mental chess game where every tiny thing is a test and if I only do "ok" then no more dates for me. If that's the game, I'm fairly ok with taking the "loss" and not seeing her again.

[Phoenix98]

Because if I am taking you on a date as in I make the offer, make the plans and all then I should and will be the one paying because I am taking you out.

It's got nothing to do with your independence or being a "strong independent woman", wouldn't matter if you a millionaire. If I take you out on a date I will be paying for it because it's the proper thing to do.

I am not going to take someone out and then expect them to pay for it that's a ridiculous notion and it should die a quite death.

But if it bothers you that much then sit him down and have a conversation with him and explain to him what you just explained to us. And come to a compromise like he pays for one date then you pay for the next one or or you guys split it or whatever works for y'all.

And no one said y'all have to go out to eat if you know how to cook suggest that one of these days he comes over you cook him a nice meal at your place or something. Or he gets dinner and you get desert, etc. Or instead of him coming to you why don't you go to him? Or you can take him on a date then that would give you the excuse to pay for it because your taking him out. Lots of ways you can go about it.

Another way you can think about it is he's paying for the date but you can pay him back by being making him laugh, enjoying the date and having a good time. He's going through those lengths because he obviously likes you, enjoys being around you and likes your company so capitalize on it and make sure he's having as good of a time as you are.

But either way let him know your worries, communicate with him and come to a agreement that works for both of you.

[Asker]

Except there are times we go on dates and I ask if he wants to go do something somewhere. I've tried talking to him about it several times. I can't go to him, as I don't own a car and don't drive, so he already pays for gas to drive 40 minutes to my place, so least I can do is pay for food or something else if he pays for gas money.

[Phoenix98]

I see.

[Caroline91]

Wish there were more guys with your attitude! I think it does largely depend on circumstances. For example, when I was a student and dated another student, we mostly did inexpensive stuff, occasionally doing something more expensive, then sharing costs. But when I dated older men who had the money, I let them take care of the tab. However, I always reciprocated with something... Coffee date, going for ice cream then people watching, a picnic. I also, dressed nicely and did my best to be my authentic self and someone enjoyable to spend time with. I showed appreciation for his efforts, literally told him how much I enjoyed it and said "thank you" for inviting me. I think respect and sincere appreciation go a long way and usually lead to another date! And I really appreciate that you don't have the attitude of expecting sex as payment. You're one of the good ones!

[Billlewis]

@Caroline91 Well said, ma'am; believe me when I tell you that we regard you as one of the good ones, as well;)

[Caroline91]

@Billlewis Thank you!

[Phoenix98]

@Caroline91 Just the way I was raised, but I mean even if you are lacking money you can do dates that don't cost a lot and thanks.

[Caroline91]

@Phoenix98 Absolutely. For me the emphasis was always on spending time together, getting to know each other better, and enjoying that time.

[Phoenix98]

@Caroline91 Exactly.

[OlderAndWiser]

In my generation, it is the norm and expected that the guy will pay for everything. And that does not mean that the guy is entitled to "something" in return. The only time a lady has offered to pay for a date was when we were in a relationship and she was taking me out to celebrate my birthday. But if a lady had offered on any other occasion, I would have been gracious and accepted her offer. Rejecting an offered gift can be perceive as a hostile gesture and I would never want to give a woman that impression.

If guys are dating to find a long term partner, then dating is like auditioning for the role of leading man, and you are auditioning for the role of leading lady. A man wants to demonstrate that he is capable of taking care of you and providing for you.

[AviatorTom]

We don't insist on paying, it's what is usually expected, and a historical maxim. I have no problem sharing the bill or even when she pays. I've had first dates when all of that happened.

[coachTanthony]

Because they are suckers! lol

[MrOracle]

Then sit down and have this very conversation. Make sure he knows that his efforts and inclinations are appreciated, but that you feel like you are taking advantage of him unfairly and not pulling your weight, and that it's important to you to do so. And going forward, you either split the bill or you trade off paying every other time or whatever you decide to do.

The important thing is that you DO NOT HOLD THIS AGAINST HIM LATER - meaning you can NEVER, EVER use this as an argument against him, because he was clearly prepared to pay for you forever. You may think I sound crazy for saying this, but trust me, this is exactly the kind of thing a lot of women will throw in a man's face later on when she's upset, and that is an attack on the core of who a man is. It's the kind of attack that cause some men to commit suicide, and others homicide, and in any case would almost certainly end the relationship. At best, it's a relationship nuclear bomb for which there is no recovery.

[hahahmm]

Do they? If a man always insist on paying in today's world then he's being foolish because no woman is worth it today. He is giving her traditional relationship benefits when she's 1.) not traditional, 2.) not in a relationship with him.

For guys who don't want to believe this, you don't have to but stick to dates that cost $0 or close to zero if you're looking for serious relationship material. If you just want sex, I guess you're trying to buy a hooker who says she isn't a hooker & I get that too.

[hahahmm]

And you (OP) say you feel bad if he pays. That's interesting because I have heard a long list of reasons why women don't like a man to pay & I never heard that one. I heard stuff like:
If he pays then he will think that I owe him sex.
If he pays then he will think I owe him something.
If he pays he will have the legal right to put me in chains and sell me into sex slavery.
Blah, blah, blah.

[JacobJordan]

The guy pays because it is his responsibility. Guys have not changed we still approach dating and relationships as men. Women meanwhile are being conned into thinking men want more. Guys have told women what we want from them for years. We don't care about your career never have. We don't care about your money. Only in the last 40 or so years have women ruined themselves by working and being "independent" no one that is in a relationship is independent. Not the man not the woman. "Independent" is merely a sign that said person shouldn't be in a relationship. i would advise you lose the "independent" mindset before you truly are independent and then wonder why you can't find a man

[RingOfFire]

Millions of years of evolution and a man's natural instinct to be the provider in a family. And nature's purpose for a romantic date is to get male and female together so they can procreate to ensure the survival of the species. By paying for the date, the man is demonstrating his natural ability to play the provider role.

Women in their normal natural state, whose minds have not been twisted by woke propaganda, appreciate this gesture and reciprocate with respect and a desire to return the gesture with a demonstration of their willingness to show off their ability to play their own natural female role.

This is the essence of what makes romance so rewarding.

[Zenpanda]

You can thank toxic masculinity and social media for that.
In my opinion, the one whom invites the other pays for the date itself.
Other costs can be shared if so desired.
Communicate if you want to do things differently.
Like the next date being on you.

[Asker]

I'll ask him if/when he wants to go out he still refuses to let me pay and he is a stubborn little shit about.😂

[TommyMountainFigure]

Because we were brought up to have respect for women! A woman agrees to go on a date so it's only right the guy pays.
That said, I wouldn't sit there and argue over it.. I'd go to pay, and if she says 'I want to pay' I'll say 'If you're sure.. thank you!"

[Asker]

I get being respectful and if the guy asks girl out, but now that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, I will ask him when and if he wants to go go on a date, and he still refuses and is a stubborn little shit about that he pays.😆

[TommyMountainFigure]

If that is all you have to complain about... consider yourself lucky :P

Besides, there is nothing stopping you going out and buying him a nice present.. so that next time he pays, say 'well then.. this must be for you!'

[dustybiker2]

Word it differently "Do you mind if we share this bill?" Long before it ever comes. You're more likely to get takers without an awkward-onlooker-waiter wondering who they are going to hand it to. Setting out clear motives only helps in early dates too. Clarity builds trust and respect.

[SugarSugarplum]

Because a man dating with intention (to marry and start a family) wants to show you that 5 years from now when you have two kids and a minivan, he'll be able and happy to provide for you and your many kids.

A man who's just looking for a fun weekend would be happy to let you cover the bill.

[Caroline91]

Yes! What you said!!

[snowboarder720]

That all makes complete sense.
It’s definitely gender roles placed by society that men should pay. It could also be his love language. If you don’t feel good when he pays just tell him. Explain to him that you feel cared for and you appreciate his generosity but this time you’ll pay. Explain to him your love languages that way he’ll know how to show love to you in a meaningful way.
He should totally understand.

[paledreams]

I'd rather split it 50 50 🙂👀😅 - hell the irony is, if she cane back for a second date second time around ; I have zero to lose so hence I don't date, yet if I did date - 50 50 split - she don't like, I pay the full bill, and politely reject any future date - and i strut 🎵👔

[paledreams]

So to answer your original question in one simple Arnie phrase word: "wrong" lol or Fat Controlled from Thomas quote "wrong" lol 😅😆

[paledreams]

*Fat controller from Thomas" dang I ruined my own witty comment

[LiamJHayden]

This can be a damned if you do, damned if you don't for a guy. Even if she offers to pay, it might very well be a sh*t test and if he lets her she ghosts him for failing.

Anyway, if I ask I pay. Mainly because once we get past two meet ups and I am sure it is not about free meals, I like to go to nice places that might wreck her monthly budget for all I know.

[RebelinSteel]

Nah I don’t insist, I will at times but I went through a lot of dates with the girl paying or it is was split. If I chose to, such as she’s at university, then yes I pay, rest of the times it’s just common sense and communication.

[DishLady]

Why do women always insist on arguing about being treated KINDLY? MY GOD. 🙄🙄🙄

[Unit1]

No idea. I can't really answer this question.

As I see it it opens an attack vector for users, foodie calls and gold diggers and then the relationship can't be confirmed, that it's not founded based on expenses covered by the guy.

[Billlewis]

Because on some level, it's like having sex with you;)

[Asker]

Clarify?

[Billlewis]

Although paying for your dinner is a far cry from being physically intimate with you, it is, nonetheless a highly personal experience, and the added appeal of sacrificing our time, effort and resources, knowing all the while that this is a long shot to begin with, is something that I find deeply fulfilling, whether it goes any further or not.

[nawtee_me]

For those of us that do offer to pay. And I say offer because it is not worth it to offend a girl who doesn’t want you to pay. But it was instilled in me by my parents to always offer and be willing to pay for the date.

[TopShelfMan]

I'd rather split the bill or the woman can pay sometimes. If I paid every time I would feel used like an ATM.

[SotiCoto]

Not applicable. They don't always insist on paying.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

If he went on a date with you is because he at least likes as a person and just wants to be nice to you.

Just accept the nice gesture.

[AngryCarl]

If the guy asks you out obviously he should pay. If you offer to pay half and he agrees, it makes him look cheap.

[Shy_Steve]

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel otherwise he is not going to know.

[ICanSmellTheCosmos]

I don't. I go Dutch on principle. She's not a prostitute, so I'm not gonna pay for her time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe because he is stepping up. Not that you can't, bur merely he can too and he will. Shame, to you freeloader birches.

[Anonymous]

Why do women feel the need to get made up for dates? The same, Social conditioning.

[CrabCakes11]

Because they have fragile egos

[Anonymous]

Because all of us have experienced women who expect men to pay, and many of those women offer to pay for half and then judge the man if he accepts.

This is a woman problem, not a man problem.

[Asker]

I wouldn't judge him. He already pays for gas money as I don't drive. From his house to my place is already 40 minutes. I get being polite, I also hate feeling in debt and like I'm mooching off him and his money or something.

[Opinion Owner]

Good for you for not judging him. Unfortunately, there are plenty of women who would and do. This issue is a big frustration for men, since women have been all about abolishing traditional gender roles, yet this one persists because women won't let it go. Men have to err on the side of caution when it comes to paying lest they set themselves up for failure. This is a problem only women can solve.

[Anonymous]

Men don't and if they don't pay the bill they are crucified. Women refuse to date you if you don't pay 100% of the bill.

[Zenpanda]

You asked this exact same question 14 minutes ago

[Asker]

One for each category.

[Joshgag2000]

I don’t pay for anyone

[Gabriel-Chicanito]

T' Greaten'is chances of scoring!.

[Anonymous]

Men go by tradition

[whistlingwh0res]

$exxx